Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Ugly UO Item of the Day: A Touch of Blossom

Shockingly, this Kimchi & Blue Jacquard Animal Vest has been reduced from $42 to 11.99. For a long time, designers, and whatever you call the people who invent the clothes for Urban Outfitters, have been trying to make vests happen. And, by "a while", I mean literally like four or five years. And they haven't caught on, because they're pretty stupid, and serve no purpose. They look great in a dandy-ish, three piece suit-ish kind of way, or maybe if you're Patti Smith, but the vest is not an easy item to pull off.

This vest, however, screams "BLOSSOM!" to me. It's "poly-nylon jacquard" and I'm not sure what exactly that is, but it sounds very unpleasant. All in all, this belongs on the floor of Ross. Doesn't it look like one of those poly suits they have at Ross for 24.99? Have I mentioned that the print is snakeskin? Oh man, that makes it even worse!

Hel Looks: Our Friend Sasu

Sasu, who is inspired by "90's Rave and Gortex shoes" (Do you know how many times I've heard 90's rave being cited by fashion-y people as a source of inspiration? More than zero times, which is way too many.) is one of those people who I'd point out to, like, my mom and be all, "Ugh! Hipster fashion!" and she'd say, "Him? But he looks homeless!"

I think he looks more like an early 90's punk crossed with Micheal Jackson crossed with someone who steals the souls of children in an Alabama barn, but the point is, it's not good. Is Sasu, who is only supposed to be 24, really going to look back in this outfit and think, "I'm glad I tucked those tapered plaid leggings into my white Reeboks?" Or, perhaps, "That baby blue and black leather short-sleeved jacket with the sweaty backwards white baseball cap- it took my look to the next level."

What's so curious to me is the fact that his shoes are Raf Simons and shirts are Comme des Garcons, meaning they cost upwards of $200, if not upwards of $500, but he still has the head of someone who slept last night in the bus station.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Jeans of Death

These unfortunate-looking Drainpipe Corset Waist Jeans from Topshop recently caught my eye. Obviously, there's not that much to say- they make the rather forlorn-looking model's butt look very long and flat; they literally have a separate button-up corset part that ends somewhere far past your bellybutton and appears to be made of a different color denim, and they have cheesy strategic fading and whiskers.

Perhaps worse are the Cheap Monday jeans above, which I don't have a specific link to (but I can direct you to this gallery of horrors on the Cheap Monday website- don't look if you have a weak stomach) because, unlike the Topshops, they couldn't even be worn if you were dressing up as Tiffany for Halloween. They're just really, really high, and really, really unflattering. It must take like ten minutes to zip up your fly in these babies.

While these jeans on their own scare me, what scares me more is the question they force me to ask: is this the future of denim? Will people really re-embrace this look? Is it going to be really hard to find normal jeans soon? Questions like these make me want to stockpile jeans like these and these, and hunker down for the oncoming denim apocalypse.

Worst of the Worst

The photo to the right is of a "clothing" "designer" named "Carrie Mundane" (Hey, guess what? You're only allowed to name yourself something like that if you're in X, okay?), "designer" of a line unfortunately (but appropriately) titled Cassette Playa. That's right- cassettes! Remember the early 90's when we totally listened to tapes all the time and then remember the 2000's where, like, we draw pictures of them with hearts on them, and like, referenced them all the time because it's soooo cool? And "playa" is a nod to the "hood", which is ALSO really fun to embrace ironically, especially if you are some privileged white rich kid who clearly has connections to famous people and that's why we keep hearing about your ugly clothes?

First of all, the website, if you haven't gone to it yet, is purposely designed to look crappy, but with lots of neon and graphics that are supposed to make us nostalgic for 1992. Her clothing line, which really celebrates the coked-out hipster in all of us, also is supposed to make us nostalgic for 1992, and is full of looks like this one. (Yes, that's something someone, after being seduced by the too cool for school wacky backgrounds and mullet wigs- mullet wigs, people!- has paid money for.)

What is wrong with people in their early twenties? How about, instead of dressing like the early 90's threw up all over you, in the most faddish, trendy, hideously ugly way possible, how about, I don't know, coming up with something new? How about appreciating something for being genuinely attractive and aesthetically pleasing instead of just how ironically cool it is? How about not being a massive tool wearing pleated turquoise Bermuda shorts? How about it?

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Crazy In Love....With this Outfit!

This 2004 Video Awards look courtesy of Miss Beyonce Knowles received a lot of flak. However, I still have it saved on my computer, two and half years later, because I think it rules so much. Before people started wearing formal shorts as some sort of bizarre trend, Beyonce rocked the gold lamé hot pants suit, complete with huge frosted hair, rhinestones, and massive hoop earrings. She looks like a cross between 60's era Priscilla Presley and Ann-Margret, and 70's era Pam Grier. It is, in a word, fierce.

GFY didn't like this outfit for a multitude of reasons, one of which was that it made Beyonce look fat. "Elephantine", I believe, was the word they used. Now, GFY isn't a fat-hating blog or anything, but in this case, I have to disagree. Sure, this outfit emphasizes the fact that Beyonce doesn't (or didn't used to; she has lost a lot of weight and quite a bit of sass since this picture was taken) have skinny legs or narrow hips, but to me, that's not a bad thing. Much like the Rinko Kikuchi outfit, it's refreshing.

If you're going to go for a glam, trashy, Las Vegas style look, please, don't go for the Pussycat Dolls route and just dress like a tawdry mall rat/ho who shops at Rave. Take a cue from the Beyonce of old, the one who had huge hair and wore feathers and danced with Prince in another picture I have saved on my computer and may have been my wallpaper for awhile. If the Beyonce of the early mid 2000's taught us anything, it's that glitz doesn't mean having to dress like the late 90's and early 2000's Britney Spears. We can do better, and, for a time, Beyonce did.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Sacks: Part One of a Long Series

One of the biggest trends to hit in '06 was the sack dress. And what a trend it was! Clothes have remained relatively fitted for the past ten or so years, so perhaps it's only natural that things get loosened up- a seemingly refreshing change after years of baby tees and jeans with too much spandex. But the sack dresses of today just look a bit too much like, well, sacks.
In the 60's, sack dresses were popular too- but they had a certain modish, a-line structure to them that made them seem fresh and carefully constructed. Sure, they weren't for everybody, but they looked really good on fake-pregnant Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. The dresses today don't have any structure. Most of them just hang from the collar like a smock, looking way more like maternity wear than something poor Rosemary ever wore.

A good example is the "Kate & Kass Dominique Brown Dress" on the upper right. This dress is so horrible I truly cannot bear to look upon it. It's barely a dress. I don't even know what it is, but of course the description on not only dares to say it was inspire by both Rosemary's Baby and Gloria Steinem (how did it get so trendy to dress like Gloria Steinem when most young women today are totally unversed in feminism? I guess that's a separate issue.) Of course, they also suggest this would look "great with a belt at your waist or hips." Belts are not for creating a waist when the dress you are wearing is shaped like a garbage bag! Whatever you are wearing should have enough shape on its own! Belts are merely for emphasis, or perhaps holding up one's pants!

The frightful thing on the left is also a sack dress, but in a slightly different vein. This Marc by Marc Jacobs "Dee Dee Dots Dress" from has an almost cocoon-like shape. There's an attempt at some sort of structure with the seaming at the top, and then that tapers off, leaving the fabric to huddle around the model's knees, obscuring her figure totally on the way down. These kind of dresses drape in such a way that no matter who wears it, they look like a saggy blob. Plus, is that denim? I mean, it doesn't say it is, but it looks like denim to me. Wearing denim dresses is always a big mistake. This dress is $358, and really makes me long for the days when Marc Jacobs designed cute things.

I know dresses in this shape are hot right now, but they're never flattering if their shape doesn't somehow echo, and in turn, flatter, your own. Besides that, everyone who bought one of these dresses is going to look at photos of themselves in ten years and wonder why they were wearing a smock, and if they were pregnant when the picture was taken.

Ugly UO Item of the Day: Played Out

This Lux Cropped Sunset Dolman is one of those pieces of clothing that makes you ask, "Isn't this trend over?" The item description boasts that it's "finished at the front with washed and faded retro-style graphics."

I ask you: haven't we had enough with the faded, retro-style graphics? I remember coveting a t-shirt made by, like, Dawls in some catalogue when I was in eighth grade that had a faded retro style graphic on the front that said "The Pink Fairy Motel" or something on it. That was 1998. So, here, we are, nine years later, and the powers that be are still trying to be all, "Hey, does this look like it came from a thrift store or what?" The truth is, it's STILL not that hard to find an ugly old t-shirt at an actual thrift store that advertises some sort of cheesy destination that you can then, in turn, wear ironically. You can get one for real, instead of paying $32 for this terrible offering. But why would you want to?

Need I mention the dolman sleeves, the cropped cut, or the Flashdance style neckline? Once again the model looks pissed, or maybe like she is going to cry, and I don't blame her. This cotton-poly nightmare is offered in three gorgeous colors, so don't miss out! After all, this hot, innovative "faded retro-style graphics" trend may not last another nine years.

Nightmare on Bubble-Hem Street

Hot off the heels of my other jumper post, I'd like to call attention to another big, jumper-related mistake, in this case, part of an eBay auction.
How many trends can we pack into one hideous, but pretty small, garment? We have the horrible raspberry and baby pink plaid, which is a nod to the current popularity of tartan prints (I guess), we have a bubble hem (do bubble hems ever look good unless they're 1950's Balenciaga? No.), and we have the jumper styling. Plus there's the sackiness, which is real hot this season.

Combine these things with fake pearls, some plastic bangles, an asymmetrical baggy t-shirt and huge sunglasses (I like huge sunglasses, and always will, but they're still a trend, if a dying one) and the overall look is sort of Strawberry Shortcake meets hipster meets Paris Hilton. Or something. Either way, it's definitely bad. Please, try to limit trendy pieces to one or two, and, for the love of god, don't over-accessorize your jumper.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I Liked It

Here's a new feature I just invented, entitled "I Liked It." This feature is for when everybody else thinks an outfit someone wore was really ugly, but I liked it. This is inspired by the time Beyonce had huge hair and wore gold hot pants to the Grammys or something- I'll post on that later.

Anyway, Go Fug Yourself made fun of this look, worn by Rinko Kikuchi of that movie Babel, which looks kind of racist and annoying even though I haven't seen it (Why isn't it about Brad Pitt getting shot and Cate Blanchett saving him? Wouldn't that be way more interesting? I feel like that whole movie must be Brad Pitt yelling, "Damn it, listen to me, you evil foreigner! I have to save my wife!")

Anyway, this dress kind of looks like she is being attacked by sea creatures. And it's happening in the ocean, and they're all hovering around her ankles. Which is a lot more interesting, and pretty, than, like, whatever Jennifer Garner wore. It's an unusual look- perhaps even a weird one, but it's such a light, well-crafted, beautifully made dress in a soft color (I mean, it wouldn't have worked in hot pink) and she's wearing it with minimal accessories, and I think she's really cute. It's refreshing to see something sort of witty and playful than another reedy, botoxed starlet strapped into yet another glittering prom dress.

PS: Speaking of which, what the hell happened to Rose McGowan? She used to be so pretty and normal looking, and now she looks like Teri Hatcher.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

House of Pain's "Jump Around"

The current jumper trend kind of came out of nowhere, but guess what? I don't hate it. It does look stupid a lot of the time, but sometimes it looks cute in a playful, mod way. In fact, when I started seeing jumpers everywhere, I thought to myself, "Hmmm, I never thought of wearing a jumper. Maybe I should get in on that." But it's hard to actually purchase and wear something that's so popular at the moment- sometimes it's better to wait out the trend to make sure you really like it and aren't just swept up in a trendy fervor.

Anyway, though jumpers can look cute, they often don't. They often look Clarissa Explains It All-ish or like you are wearing your little sister's school uniform. I'm sorry to the girl on the left, who is wearing a jumper I saw at Anthropologie, but this look doesn't even get Clarissa status. It's really more Charles in Charge-ish. I know this jumper was probably at least $80, if not $240 or whatever ridiculous prices that store charges now, but seriously, this is a look that should not be repeated, let alone re-made. It hangs off the body because it lacks real shape, the mustard color (which, puzzlingly, appears to be the hot shade of the season) is a real hard sell, and the super 80's (I'm sorry to mention the 80's again, but the unmitigated 80's resurgence is so puzzling to me) styling brings up the trendiness factor while upping the all-important "Why pay so much for something when you could get something equally foul for $5 at a thrift store?" factor.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Hel Looks: Mimosa

Here on our right we have Mimosa, another Hel Looks pick. Mimosa looks like how I imagine trashy Russian girls at my school must have dressed in the 80's. Instead of wearing skin-tight t-shirts with strategic cut-outs and the Bebe logo in rhinestones, they would have gone for a more Dynasty/big hair/faux Chanel/white purse thing.

According to the interview, Mimosa (if that's a given name, clearly you will turn out to be either a hipster or an exotic dancer, so I guess she went with the more socially acceptable choice) who is 18, confesses that she thinks "her style "is classic and feminine" and that "Kate Moss and Sienna Miller have a great style." I'm not a huge fan of either of those ladies, but Mimosa has really branched out from the typical Sienna clone. I mean, those are, if such a thing is possible, baggy white leggings. And that one highlight! What makes someone choose one highlight like that? She also says that loves "60's clothes like Chanel jacket with golden buttons" even though there is nothing remotely 60s looking about this getup.

Mimosa's look basically takes the 80's thing to the next level, so much so that though I know she is dressing in an ironic, hipstery way, she looks more like she has just blasted off twenty years into the future, a la Marty McFly, to arrive in the year 2007. Thus, all I can really only see her doing is driving around in the Camaro her father, Alexi the Mob Boss, bought for her, turning off the latest news about President Reagan and blasting the Bon Jovi and Sheena Easton she loves so much, on her way to look for a heavily shoulder-padded blazer from Contempo.

Ugly UO Item of the Day

Man, this Kimchi & Blue Mexican Blanket Sweater sooo ugly. At first you think, what were they thinking? But after much consideration, I guess they were trying to go with that boho/hippie/MK Olsen/"Oh, I just threw on this ratty old defeated-looking sweater that I found on the ground" type of thing. Only that type of thing pretty much never works, and reimagining it in the colors of a Fruitopia commercial from the mid 90s's doesn't work either. It kind of has that "Grandma's afghan" look, but is way uglier, and the description of the garment on the website (Yes, it does contain the phrase Aye carumba!) indicated they were trying to go with a cringe-inducing "ethnic" thing.

The model knows what's up. She knows never to wear something that has "blanket" in the title. That's why she's giving us all that bitter but sassy-looking smirk.

Pick this up at your local Urban Outfitters- it's a real steal at $88, especially considering it's acrylic. Even though 99% of the people who buy this will be white and suburban, maybe they can tell people their abuelita knitted it for them in Mexico or something. Just throw on their Tibetan prayer beads and Chinese slippers that they also got at Urban Outfitters to complete the look.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

That Whole Played-Out MisShapes Thing

Could this guy look any more like a douche? He is on some "street style" website, I don't know which one. Maybe he is French, or Czech, or something. Who cares. I just can't believe people who dress like this are still being photographed as if they have something to offer us, and people are still like, "Wow, I can't believe he dared to wear an early 90's Mickey Mouse sweatshirt with nerd glasses! Could he be more cutting edge?"

This whole ironic 80's gold jewelery/ironic Disney clothing/bandanna/Goodwill glasses was always obnoxious. Dressing purposely ugly and out-of-date as some sort of postmodern joke has been perhaps the worst sartorial trend of this young century, and just goes to show what shallow aesthetics us young people have today. It's like we can't even tell what we like and what we like "ironically" any more. But what makes it even worse is that is the 358,9456th guy to dress like this, and he's still being plastered all over the internet like it's some kind of revelation. This guy is my enemy.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Naomi from "Mama's Family"

When I was a kid, I thought Naomi, from Mama's Family, was really beautiful. She was always wearing, like, an off-the-shoulder orange knit dress with huge hoop earrings and some weird early 80's perm. I still sort of admire the style of Naomi, because I have a bit of a soft spot for trashy-looking ladies who are influenced by the late 70s. Sort of a Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver look-it's trashy in this really pure, kind of charming way, with lots of oversized gold jewelery and hot pants and roller skates and big curly hair and maybe oversized hats. There's an attempt at fanciness with this look that I guess I just sort of love, even though I know it is also one which one must usually keep a safe distance.

Anyway, the point is, I could see Naomi wearing this "Striped Pom Pom Sweater" from However, no matter how much I appreciate Naomi's style for what it is, this top is very, very wrong, especially in the context in which it is presented. I can't imagine anyone wanting it, and not just because of the terrible shape/color/curtain-ishness, but because the model looks like she wants to kill you and everyone else for being placed inside this ruffled horror.

And like the Urban Outfitters pants below, the stylist for the shoot seemed at a total loss concerning what to pair this number with, and finally were all, "I guess these track short looking things?" If you're going to pair this top with something, don't tone it down. Don't hide what it is. I say gold pants and oversized hoop earrings. That's how Naomi would have done it.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Ugly UO Item of the Day

There are so many ugly things at Urban Outfitters, I could probably list a new one every day and never run out. But today, I will focus on these "Lux Drawstring Linen Pants." They're drawstring. They're baggy. They're heavily pleated. They're "high rise." They come in a color I personally might call "tobacco." And they're linen, a fabric I find both ugly and unwearable, as it wrinkles as soon as you touch it, and looks sacklike even if the garment is trim and well-tailored. These pants would look like a sack no matter what they were made out of, but the fact that they're linen makes them even worse. I like how they've paired them with what looks like shiny black leather pointy-toe flats, as if that matches. When I see these pants, I see them paired with a rumpled tunic made out of hemp, or perhaps something tie-dyed, and a pair of crusty Birkenstocks. But if I had my way, I would probably choose not to see them at all. Will the young people of the world spend $58 to look like a 53-year old man who sells homemade bongs at the flea market? Time will tell.

Isn't That, a Little, like, Babyish?

One could argue a trend on eBay is not one that will necessarily be repeated on a wider scale, but this has been going on for such a long time that I personally feel the need to complain about it: sellers forcing themselves into children's clothing, advertising them as "vintage mini dresses", and then people paying outrageous amounts of money for them. It's like the emperor's new clothes, people! (Enlarge the pics above. You'll see what I mean.)

Isn't it obvious to everyone that the dress at right, which literally went for $212.50, is merely a little girl's dress from the 80's? I realize nautical is in and all, and the model pulls it off relatively well, considering it originally came from Gymboree, but the point still stands: it's pulled way too tight across her chest, making the little plastic buttons appear as if they're seconds away from popping right off, it's not really vintage, and not looking like a giant fool in it is going to be no easy feat to pull off. What really bugs me about this trend is that it's one thing to go to Goodwill and find a children's dress, and get the idea to squeeze into something made for an 8-year-old because you realize you can rock it in some perverse way, but bringing this personal realization into the public arena and selling it as a "look" kind of takes it out of the realm of quirky personal style and into, I don't know, grifting people who desperately long to have their own?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Hel Looks: Oh, the Jeans!

One of the striking things about Hel Looks is the jeans. People who are on the edge of fashion in the way that these people are simply cannot wear regular jeans, even though, in my mind, jeans are one of the few things that should remain pretty regular: no patterns, no "interesting" shapes, no strategic fading. But people like this are always proclaiming the skinny jean over, and the new, high-waisted, pleated, acid-washed jean the wave of the future for the next three months. And frankly, it disgusts me. Lets take a look!

To the layman, it might look like Tiia (above left), 36, simply doesn't know what kind of jeans are flattering or in style. But the rest of her stylish look, and her proclamation that she just bought these jeans, and that "They are great because they're baggy and light blue" confirms that no, these jeans are intentional. They remind me of when I made my dad go with me to Gap kids to get a new pair of jeans in sixth grade, and I chose this faded, baggy, tapered pair that I secretly knew were ugly even then, and I always blamed my dad for making me feel rushed because he couldn't handle the mall. Tiia's look screams to me, "Yes, they ARE ugly! That's the point!"

While Osku's, age 20, Pete Doherty/slam poet style is certainly debatable (as is his proclamation that "Embroidery is my future"), it is really his companion, Joona (age 18....everybody on this site looks literally ten years older than the age they are listed) who peaks my interest. I believe these types of mega-tapered, rather jodhpur-esque jeans are called "carrot tops" and they are pretty much the most unflattering shape possible. Do you long for the stumpiest, shortest looking legs one could have? This is a prime example of the fashionable quest for newness and novelty upending any notion of taste or looking good. But we can't blame Joona. She would make her own clothes, if she "just had time." She's a busy girl who spends all her time "on religious happenings." How un-chicly chic, not unlike the pools of saggy denim bagging around her ankles!

Hel Looks: Part One of a Series

Hel-Looks is a Helsinki-based website that features pics of Helsinki young people with unique street style. These types of sites have been very popular lately, and indeed, they are pretty addictive, even though often I feel something crucial to the "looks" of these trendsetters is avoided: they are huge, trendy hipsters.

However, if you've ever read a "Street Style" type interview, you know the number one rule of hipsters being interviewed about their taste is to avoid at all costs words such as "popular", "trendy", or "I picked out this rhinestone-studded t-shirt because self-conscious irony is all the rage these days." Instead they're all, "Well, my style is pretty random and crazy!" Nobody ever admits they're dressing in the look of about a million others, though that would be the truly unique thing to do.

Anyway, Hel-Looks does feature a range of fashions, from Japanese-style lolitas to people wearing Victorian frock coats, but they also feature quite a lot of persons such as the one above. And the accompanying interview never fails to be totally, totally pretentious. I don't know if things are lost in the European translation or what, but people are always like, "Nothing inspires me at the moment. Fashion is dead. My pants are by Comme des Garcons." Or, "What's hot right now? Sadness. Feelings and moods. And wearing ties around your ankles."

I like Vesa, age 25 (the guy above)'s explanation of his style: "Nu rave and renaissance, the time of Christopher Columbus and baggy shapes inspire me – but always with a touch of Nazi Germany to avoid a too clowny and buffoon look!" The truth is, I can kind of see where all those elements have come together to form this particular look. And, hey, if you need to throw in touches of Nazi Germany to keep your style from looking "too clowny", (Does he succeed? He does look like an evil raver Nazi clown from the not-too-distant future, no?) that clearly says something about the extremity of your style, now doesn't it? The leggings say, "I love my jammies" but the neon pink latex mask says, "Don't get too close."

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

An Important PSA: Skirt is Not a Dress

Skirts and dresses: one might think they would be completely non-interchangable as garments. After all, you don't see people walking around with their arms stuffed through the legs of shorts, or wearing socks stretched over their heads. But, somehow in the past two years or so, people started hitching up skirts over their boobs, and, at times, belting them for "definition." (Random belting is a dire problem itself that will be attended to in time.)

The problem therein, is that dresses are made to fit breasts, hips, and waists, and the a-line skirts people are forcing into dresses are just made to fit waists, and usually just flow over one's hips. Therefore, making them into so-called "dresses" creates a triangular or lampshade-like appearance. (As seen at bottom right)

Adding a belt, as shown in the photo at left, just makes the areas not constricted by the belt pouf out. In case you've been wondering, it doesn't hide the fact that you're wearing a skirt and not a dress. It simply highlights the fact that you've added a belt to the skirt you're wearing under your armpits for some reason.

And if you're wondering just what to do with that long, patterned a-line skirt, here's some advice: throw it away. Those types of skirts are ugly to begin with.

Because Perky Boobs are so '05.

Is there really that much to say about this gem? It's from Urban Outfitters, but they no longer have it in the red. This post probably should have been combined with the former one, because aren't they just two peas in a saggy, polyester pod? This top would really be pretty cute if it were actually fitted to the body instead of looking like it was torn off the top of an early 80's Mormon librarian's dress. It's amazing, because we know her boobs must be somewhere on her chest, but visually, it's like they're hanging out somewhere around the waist. I wonder why this color is gone- how do people see a photo like this and think, "Yes! That's the top for me! And I have just the diaper-esque bubble skirt to complete the look!"

Is it, like, "Vintage?"

I love vintage clothes, really I do. But, too often, "vintage" is taken to mean "anything I don't remember seeing on Friends." Some 80's might pass for vintage, but it's a slippery slope.

There are a LOT of polyester 80's dresses around. For one thing, like the cockroach, polyester just survives. For another, it's cheap and there were a lot of these lovelies made. But go to a "vintage store" in NYC and they'll have hundreds of stained Dynasty-era poly dresses lined up like so many $180 precious jewels, as if you can't just go to Goodwill and get a probably cuter one for $6.

The picture on the left, which I'm sorry to say I stole off the internet, is a prime example of these frumpy and terrible dresses that Ferris Beuller's seceretary totally wore. Guess what? They're wildly unflattering. They're not well-made. They're not unique. They were originally made for old ladies for a reason: once your boobs have reached your waist, you might as well accentuate that. The girl on the left, I'm sure, doesn't have the bod of an 80-year old. But with this shape dress, she is fast on her way to achieving it. Look, I know it's trendy to wear a "vintage" dress with your "slouch" boots and maybe "belt it" somewhere along the way, but guess what: that doesn't make it okay. You're going to look back on pictures of yourself and wonder why you spent your youth in a high-necked sack. Mark my words.

American Apparel Offers Another Timeless Staple

God, I hate American Apparel. From the constant defending of the company because "Like, they don't have sweatshops" to former CEO Dov Chaney's wacky hipster mustache and leering, perverse attitude/ advertisements, sometimes I feel like this brand was foisted upon the (young, hipster) American public as some sort of social experiment: Would they fall for it? $28 for a t-shirt? But of course!

Among their ugly, ugly fall offerings (They love the tunics and the sacks over at AA!) comes these gorge leggings, priced at a totally reasonable $38, even though you can get an actual pair of wool cable knit tights for cheaper than that. First, there's the colors. Lemon yellow and aqua blue: always wearable and lovely. Then there's the fact that that they're acrylic and cable knit. Good god! Acrylic is the worst fabric on the planet; it balls up and looks like hell after you've washed it once. Basically, I'm wondering where the sweatshirt is that goes with these beauties. I know what it looks like, because I wore when I was nine: It's oversized, white, and has large, multicolored puff-painted flowers on it. The flowers have mirrors glued inside, so they'll reflect the horror in the eyes of others. You might want to casually pose in this combo on your front steps with your new binder on your first day of fourth grade, as I chose to. The sad thing is, I bet some coked-out twenty-three year old has that sweatshirt right now, and is wearing it to MisShapes tonight.