Wednesday, January 31, 2007
This vest, however, screams "BLOSSOM!" to me. It's "poly-nylon jacquard" and I'm not sure what exactly that is, but it sounds very unpleasant. All in all, this belongs on the floor of Ross. Doesn't it look like one of those poly suits they have at Ross for 24.99? Have I mentioned that the print is snakeskin? Oh man, that makes it even worse!
I think he looks more like an early 90's punk crossed with Micheal Jackson crossed with someone who steals the souls of children in an Alabama barn, but the point is, it's not good. Is Sasu, who is only supposed to be 24, really going to look back in this outfit and think, "I'm glad I tucked those tapered plaid leggings into my white Reeboks?" Or, perhaps, "That baby blue and black leather short-sleeved jacket with the sweaty backwards white baseball cap- it took my look to the next level."
What's so curious to me is the fact that his shoes are Raf Simons and shirts are Comme des Garcons, meaning they cost upwards of $200, if not upwards of $500, but he still has the head of someone who slept last night in the bus station.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Perhaps worse are the Cheap Monday jeans above, which I don't have a specific link to (but I can direct you to this gallery of horrors on the Cheap Monday website- don't look if you have a weak stomach) because, unlike the Topshops, they couldn't even be worn if you were dressing up as Tiffany for Halloween. They're just really, really high, and really, really unflattering. It must take like ten minutes to zip up your fly in these babies.
While these jeans on their own scare me, what scares me more is the question they force me to ask: is this the future of denim? Will people really re-embrace this look? Is it going to be really hard to find normal jeans soon? Questions like these make me want to stockpile jeans like these and these, and hunker down for the oncoming denim apocalypse.
First of all, the website, if you haven't gone to it yet, is purposely designed to look crappy, but with lots of neon and graphics that are supposed to make us nostalgic for 1992. Her clothing line, which really celebrates the coked-out hipster in all of us, also is supposed to make us nostalgic for 1992, and is full of looks like this one. (Yes, that's something someone, after being seduced by the too cool for school wacky backgrounds and mullet wigs- mullet wigs, people!- has paid money for.)
What is wrong with people in their early twenties? How about, instead of dressing like the early 90's threw up all over you, in the most faddish, trendy, hideously ugly way possible, how about, I don't know, coming up with something new? How about appreciating something for being genuinely attractive and aesthetically pleasing instead of just how ironically cool it is? How about not being a massive tool wearing pleated turquoise Bermuda shorts? How about it?
Sunday, January 28, 2007
GFY didn't like this outfit for a multitude of reasons, one of which was that it made Beyonce look fat. "Elephantine", I believe, was the word they used. Now, GFY isn't a fat-hating blog or anything, but in this case, I have to disagree. Sure, this outfit emphasizes the fact that Beyonce doesn't (or didn't used to; she has lost a lot of weight and quite a bit of sass since this picture was taken) have skinny legs or narrow hips, but to me, that's not a bad thing. Much like the Rinko Kikuchi outfit, it's refreshing.
If you're going to go for a glam, trashy, Las Vegas style look, please, don't go for the Pussycat Dolls route and just dress like a tawdry mall rat/ho who shops at Rave. Take a cue from the Beyonce of old, the one who had huge hair and wore feathers and danced with Prince in another picture I have saved on my computer and may have been my wallpaper for awhile. If the Beyonce of the early mid 2000's taught us anything, it's that glitz doesn't mean having to dress like the late 90's and early 2000's Britney Spears. We can do better, and, for a time, Beyonce did.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The frightful thing on the left is also a sack dress, but in a slightly different vein. This Marc by Marc Jacobs "Dee Dee Dots Dress" from shopbop.com has an almost cocoon-like shape. There's an attempt at some sort of structure with the seaming at the top, and then that tapers off, leaving the fabric to huddle around the model's knees, obscuring her figure totally on the way down. These kind of dresses drape in such a way that no matter who wears it, they look like a saggy blob. Plus, is that denim? I mean, it doesn't say it is, but it looks like denim to me. Wearing denim dresses is always a big mistake. This dress is $358, and really makes me long for the days when Marc Jacobs designed cute things.
I know dresses in this shape are hot right now, but they're never flattering if their shape doesn't somehow echo, and in turn, flatter, your own. Besides that, everyone who bought one of these dresses is going to look at photos of themselves in ten years and wonder why they were wearing a smock, and if they were pregnant when the picture was taken.
I ask you: haven't we had enough with the faded, retro-style graphics? I remember coveting a t-shirt made by, like, Dawls in some catalogue when I was in eighth grade that had a faded retro style graphic on the front that said "The Pink Fairy Motel" or something on it. That was 1998. So, here, we are, nine years later, and the powers that be are still trying to be all, "Hey, does this look like it came from a thrift store or what?" The truth is, it's STILL not that hard to find an ugly old t-shirt at an actual thrift store that advertises some sort of cheesy destination that you can then, in turn, wear ironically. You can get one for real, instead of paying $32 for this terrible offering. But why would you want to?
Need I mention the dolman sleeves, the cropped cut, or the Flashdance style neckline? Once again the model looks pissed, or maybe like she is going to cry, and I don't blame her. This cotton-poly nightmare is offered in three gorgeous colors, so don't miss out! After all, this hot, innovative "faded retro-style graphics" trend may not last another nine years.
Combine these things with fake pearls, some plastic bangles, an asymmetrical baggy t-shirt and huge sunglasses (I like huge sunglasses, and always will, but they're still a trend, if a dying one) and the overall look is sort of Strawberry Shortcake meets hipster meets Paris Hilton. Or something. Either way, it's definitely bad. Please, try to limit trendy pieces to one or two, and, for the love of god, don't over-accessorize your jumper.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Anyway, Go Fug Yourself made fun of this look, worn by Rinko Kikuchi of that movie Babel, which looks kind of racist and annoying even though I haven't seen it (Why isn't it about Brad Pitt getting shot and Cate Blanchett saving him? Wouldn't that be way more interesting? I feel like that whole movie must be Brad Pitt yelling, "Damn it, listen to me, you evil foreigner! I have to save my wife!")
Anyway, this dress kind of looks like she is being attacked by sea creatures. And it's happening in the ocean, and they're all hovering around her ankles. Which is a lot more interesting, and pretty, than, like, whatever Jennifer Garner wore. It's an unusual look- perhaps even a weird one, but it's such a light, well-crafted, beautifully made dress in a soft color (I mean, it wouldn't have worked in hot pink) and she's wearing it with minimal accessories, and I think she's really cute. It's refreshing to see something sort of witty and playful than another reedy, botoxed starlet strapped into yet another glittering prom dress.
PS: Speaking of which, what the hell happened to Rose McGowan? She used to be so pretty and normal looking, and now she looks like Teri Hatcher.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Anyway, though jumpers can look cute, they often don't. They often look Clarissa Explains It All-ish or like you are wearing your little sister's school uniform. I'm sorry to the girl on the left, who is wearing a jumper I saw at Anthropologie, but this look doesn't even get Clarissa status. It's really more Charles in Charge-ish. I know this jumper was probably at least $80, if not $240 or whatever ridiculous prices that store charges now, but seriously, this is a look that should not be repeated, let alone re-made. It hangs off the body because it lacks real shape, the mustard color (which, puzzlingly, appears to be the hot shade of the season) is a real hard sell, and the super 80's (I'm sorry to mention the 80's again, but the unmitigated 80's resurgence is so puzzling to me) styling brings up the trendiness factor while upping the all-important "Why pay so much for something when you could get something equally foul for $5 at a thrift store?" factor.
Monday, January 22, 2007
According to the interview, Mimosa (if that's a given name, clearly you will turn out to be either a hipster or an exotic dancer, so I guess she went with the more socially acceptable choice) who is 18, confesses that she thinks "her style "is classic and feminine" and that "Kate Moss and Sienna Miller have a great style." I'm not a huge fan of either of those ladies, but Mimosa has really branched out from the typical Sienna clone. I mean, those are, if such a thing is possible, baggy white leggings. And that one highlight! What makes someone choose one highlight like that? She also says that loves "60's clothes like Chanel jacket with golden buttons" even though there is nothing remotely 60s looking about this getup.
Mimosa's look basically takes the 80's thing to the next level, so much so that though I know she is dressing in an ironic, hipstery way, she looks more like she has just blasted off twenty years into the future, a la Marty McFly, to arrive in the year 2007. Thus, all I can really only see her doing is driving around in the Camaro her father, Alexi the Mob Boss, bought for her, turning off the latest news about President Reagan and blasting the Bon Jovi and Sheena Easton she loves so much, on her way to look for a heavily shoulder-padded blazer from Contempo.
Man, this Kimchi & Blue Mexican Blanket Sweater sooo ugly. At first you think, what were they thinking? But after much consideration, I guess they were trying to go with that boho/hippie/MK Olsen/"Oh, I just threw on this ratty old defeated-looking sweater that I found on the ground" type of thing. Only that type of thing pretty much never works, and reimagining it in the colors of a Fruitopia commercial from the mid 90s's doesn't work either. It kind of has that "Grandma's afghan" look, but is way uglier, and the description of the garment on the website (Yes, it does contain the phrase Aye carumba!) indicated they were trying to go with a cringe-inducing "ethnic" thing.
The model knows what's up. She knows never to wear something that has "blanket" in the title. That's why she's giving us all that bitter but sassy-looking smirk.
Pick this up at your local Urban Outfitters- it's a real steal at $88, especially considering it's acrylic. Even though 99% of the people who buy this will be white and suburban, maybe they can tell people their abuelita knitted it for them in Mexico or something. Just throw on their Tibetan prayer beads and Chinese slippers that they also got at Urban Outfitters to complete the look.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
This whole ironic 80's gold jewelery/ironic Disney clothing/bandanna/Goodwill glasses was always obnoxious. Dressing purposely ugly and out-of-date as some sort of postmodern joke has been perhaps the worst sartorial trend of this young century, and just goes to show what shallow aesthetics us young people have today. It's like we can't even tell what we like and what we like "ironically" any more. But what makes it even worse is that is the 358,9456th guy to dress like this, and he's still being plastered all over the internet like it's some kind of revelation. This guy is my enemy.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
To the layman, it might look like Tiia (above left), 36, simply doesn't know what kind of jeans are flattering or in style. But the rest of her stylish look, and her proclamation that she just bought these jeans, and that "They are great because they're baggy and light blue" confirms that no, these jeans are intentional. They remind me of when I made my dad go with me to Gap kids to get a new pair of jeans in sixth grade, and I chose this faded, baggy, tapered pair that I secretly knew were ugly even then, and I always blamed my dad for making me feel rushed because he couldn't handle the mall. Tiia's look screams to me, "Yes, they ARE ugly! That's the point!"
While Osku's, age 20, Pete Doherty/slam poet style is certainly debatable (as is his proclamation that "Embroidery is my future"), it is really his companion, Joona (age 18....everybody on this site looks literally ten years older than the age they are listed) who peaks my interest. I believe these types of mega-tapered, rather jodhpur-esque jeans are called "carrot tops" and they are pretty much the most unflattering shape possible. Do you long for the stumpiest, shortest looking legs one could have? This is a prime example of the fashionable quest for newness and novelty upending any notion of taste or looking good. But we can't blame Joona. She would make her own clothes, if she "just had time." She's a busy girl who spends all her time "on religious happenings." How un-chicly chic, not unlike the pools of saggy denim bagging around her ankles!
However, if you've ever read a "Street Style" type interview, you know the number one rule of hipsters being interviewed about their taste is to avoid at all costs words such as "popular", "trendy", or "I picked out this rhinestone-studded t-shirt because self-conscious irony is all the rage these days." Instead they're all, "Well, my style is pretty random and crazy!" Nobody ever admits they're dressing in the look of about a million others, though that would be the truly unique thing to do.
Anyway, Hel-Looks does feature a range of fashions, from Japanese-style lolitas to people wearing Victorian frock coats, but they also feature quite a lot of persons such as the one above. And the accompanying interview never fails to be totally, totally pretentious. I don't know if things are lost in the European translation or what, but people are always like, "Nothing inspires me at the moment. Fashion is dead. My pants are by Comme des Garcons." Or, "What's hot right now? Sadness. Feelings and moods. And wearing ties around your ankles."
I like Vesa, age 25 (the guy above)'s explanation of his style: "Nu rave and renaissance, the time of Christopher Columbus and baggy shapes inspire me – but always with a touch of Nazi Germany to avoid a too clowny and buffoon look!" The truth is, I can kind of see where all those elements have come together to form this particular look. And, hey, if you need to throw in touches of Nazi Germany to keep your style from looking "too clowny", (Does he succeed? He does look like an evil raver Nazi clown from the not-too-distant future, no?) that clearly says something about the extremity of your style, now doesn't it? The leggings say, "I love my jammies" but the neon pink latex mask says, "Don't get too close."
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
The problem therein, is that dresses are made to fit breasts, hips, and waists, and the a-line skirts people are forcing into dresses are just made to fit waists, and usually just flow over one's hips. Therefore, making them into so-called "dresses" creates a triangular or lampshade-like appearance. (As seen at bottom right)
Adding a belt, as shown in the photo at left, just makes the areas not constricted by the belt pouf out. In case you've been wondering, it doesn't hide the fact that you're wearing a skirt and not a dress. It simply highlights the fact that you've added a belt to the skirt you're wearing under your armpits for some reason.
And if you're wondering just what to do with that long, patterned a-line skirt, here's some advice: throw it away. Those types of skirts are ugly to begin with.
There are a LOT of polyester 80's dresses around. For one thing, like the cockroach, polyester just survives. For another, it's cheap and there were a lot of these lovelies made. But go to a "vintage store" in NYC and they'll have hundreds of stained Dynasty-era poly dresses lined up like so many $180 precious jewels, as if you can't just go to Goodwill and get a probably cuter one for $6.
The picture on the left, which I'm sorry to say I stole off the internet, is a prime example of these frumpy and terrible dresses that Ferris Beuller's seceretary totally wore. Guess what? They're wildly unflattering. They're not well-made. They're not unique. They were originally made for old ladies for a reason: once your boobs have reached your waist, you might as well accentuate that. The girl on the left, I'm sure, doesn't have the bod of an 80-year old. But with this shape dress, she is fast on her way to achieving it. Look, I know it's trendy to wear a "vintage" dress with your "slouch" boots and maybe "belt it" somewhere along the way, but guess what: that doesn't make it okay. You're going to look back on pictures of yourself and wonder why you spent your youth in a high-necked sack. Mark my words.
Among their ugly, ugly fall offerings (They love the tunics and the sacks over at AA!) comes these gorge leggings, priced at a totally reasonable $38, even though you can get an actual pair of wool cable knit tights for cheaper than that. First, there's the colors. Lemon yellow and aqua blue: always wearable and lovely. Then there's the fact that that they're acrylic and cable knit. Good god! Acrylic is the worst fabric on the planet; it balls up and looks like hell after you've washed it once. Basically, I'm wondering where the sweatshirt is that goes with these beauties. I know what it looks like, because I wore when I was nine: It's oversized, white, and has large, multicolored puff-painted flowers on it. The flowers have mirrors glued inside, so they'll reflect the horror in the eyes of others. You might want to casually pose in this combo on your front steps with your new binder on your first day of fourth grade, as I chose to. The sad thing is, I bet some coked-out twenty-three year old has that sweatshirt right now, and is wearing it to MisShapes tonight.