Pregnant Celebs and Their In-Demand Spawn

It certainly doesn't take a "trendwatcher" to recognize the current and hot, hot, hot trend of celebrities under 25, like, getting pregnant. Jessica Alba, Katie Holmes, Ashlee (oh Ashlee), Christina Aguilera, Nicole Richie, Lily Allen, and, of course, little Jamie Lynn are all included in this category, and the media's obsession with, and breathless scrutiny of, this subject is seemingly endless. We are subject to the constant examining of every female celebrities' stomach and whether or not there is a visible "baby bump" -possibly the grossest phrase in the English language. (Which is great, because these ladies aren't really examined closely enough to see if they've recently gained or lost weight.)

Magazines pay millions for photos of the newborns because everyone is desperate to see how exactly Joel Madden's DNA will be transferred onto a baby's face, even though babies all look the same (like little blobs, duh.) At the same time, we get glowing reports of pregnancy from the stars, gushing about how it's the most important thing a woman can do and how complete they all feel.

This fascination with motherhood is pretty disturbing for a few reasons. The first is, all these women are really, really young. While it's certainly possible to be good mother at 22, it's not very far into adulthood to make that kind of commitment. However, young female celebrities have always been coded as older than they are, from posing for photoshoots in their underwear at fifteen to being called out as "sluts" when they're less-than-perfect. In Jamie Lynn's case, the media initially pegged her as a slut, but now since she's keeping the baby (wtf) they're back to reporting what a good little mommy she's going to be. As soon as a female is past puberty and in the public eye, she may as well be 35, nevermind the fact that she's a child herself.


What is most disturbing, though, is the simple fact that it is, indeed, a trend. Female stars historically have not gotten pregnant at a young age because they put their careers first; now, being pregant seems to be a calculated career move of its own. It's like a hot new role for them to play, guaranteeing immediate attention and admiration. How many times have we heard that Jennifer Aniston is a cold bitch for not wanting a family and that's why Brad was driven into Angelina's (surprisingly) fertile arms? A lot! For the "bad" celebrity girl (Richie, Aguilera) it makes them appear softer, more wholesome. Now when they pose naked for a magazine cover, it's in a dreamy, Earth mothery pose, surrounded by their little cherubs or proudly displaying their pregnant stomach. For the "good" stars, like Alba, it's cool to be pregnant too because obvs being pregnant is every good girl's dream, just like wearing a white veil on your wedding day and giving up your career to have a child.

It's hard work being pregnant, and harder work raising a kid, but, more than anything, the media seems enchanted with the ethereal and stereotypically feminine concept of motherhood and how great it is, not its possible drawbacks, multiple challenges, and ultimate reality. Raising a child lasts far longer than being pregnant and the pre-toddler years, but to the media, it's just babies, babies, babies! These women (well, some of them) should be famous for their talents or skills or wearing assless chaps in a mud-filled boxing ring, not because they're fulfilling God's master plan.

Lastly, everyone famous names their kids, like, Wheatley or Savannah 3 or Lula Mae or something retarded like that. All these kids are going to grow up to have coke problems and be in lame LA bands anyway, y'all.