$500 Old Tee shirts Tie-dyed in a Bucket Soon to Follow!

I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately, but you, as one of my five to six readers, should probably not bother checking back until the new year. However, I am posting about something that needs commenting, and that is the hot, hot new accessories line Lanyard, the necklaces of which are shown above.

Simone mentioned these to me, and then I read about them in Bazaar. That's right, Bazaar! Bazaar was like, "Neon is so in! Get the look before anybody with the necklaces by Lanyard. Most under $200." First of all, it's called Lanyard. It's like someone making accessories out of literal shit and calling the line "Excrement." Secondly, most are under $200? That means people are paying $200 to wear a nylon lanyard around their neck. The same nylon lanyards that cost like .25 a yard and you wear to camp. Of course, these are artfully tied into knots, and we all know how hard it is to tie a knot. Normally I'd say that you could just make one at home, but why would you want to? You could also link together rubber bands and wear them around your neck, or piece together promotional polo shirts from tech companies and make them into a dress. We could all do a lot of things.

Of course the "designer" is some Williamsburg-based "art student" who I'm sure is totally lacking in money and connections, but makes up for all that with his stunning talent.

Simone Thinks She May Be a Nazi

It took me a while to realize this, but I realized recently that I hate Heidi Klum. I don't really like any of the judges on Project Runway that much, because they all have boring taste and thus tend to praise the safe and trendy, and Michael Kors' khaki-clad, blown-out hairdo-ed jetsetter aesthetic (I actually wrote that description before I found that image, to give you an idea of how completely boring and one-note he is as a designer) has always struck me as repulsive, but at least he and fellow judge Nina Garcia actually do have experience in the fashion industry.

Heidi, on the other hand, has experience stuffing her fake boobs into various overpriced bras and panties and sitting in front of wind machines. Oh, excuse me, she's a "jewelery designer," a title I'm she would have gotten even if she didn't model. But seriously, she doesn't even model actual designer clothes, she models for Sports Illustrated, as well as partaking in the rather hilariously pageant-esque Victoria's Secret runway show.

Anyway, my point is, as a judge, she doesn't display any sort of knowledge about the industry. Her comments are always like, "To me, it looks...cheap, no?" Or, "What is that? It is so ugly, it looks like it came from the basement, yes?" (Sorry to make fun of her as non-native English speaker, but, you know, she deserves it.) She certainly doesn't seem to base her critiques on stuff she knows, just her personal opinion. Which lead her to wear that tie-dyed number, and that elegant white-gloved look above.

What's more, she exhibits little to no creativity in her personal style and is usually seen on the show wearing the latest glittering sack dress in a muted color/black. Her overall appearance, from her beige extensions to her Mystic tan to her fake boobs to her crappy clothes, is just totally bland. And, as a host, I find her boring. I hate that Bravo shows always hire some model to host when someone like Tim Gunn would do a much better job. And on more than one occasion, she has called people fat and reacted with horror to "plus sizes."

PS: Also, who buys a hot pink, ostrich-print Birkin? That purse costs like $3,000 and is supposed to be classic, which is stupid and all, but getting the Malibu Barbie version is just so trashy. Of course, wearing it with a paint-splattered trucker hat or whatever that is finishes the look.

PPS: Classy!

Things I Bought at the Flea Market, Or: I'm a Failure, Or: Fuck You, Craigslist!

Today I am switching things up a notch, and posting photos of myself/posting on a more reflective and personal note. Right now I am depressed because I did not get that tutoring job, and I am sick of applying for jobs that don't sound that great and talking up my lack of experience which they are clearly not impressed by anyway. All the descriptions on craigslist are like, "Are you [buzzword]? Are you [buzzword]? Are you committed to helping the hottest, number fourteen marketing firm in the Bay Area? Do you want to design our website? Would you like to promote this vodka? How about finance, or web design? HOW ABOUT WE REQUIRE A YEAR OF EXPERIENCE FOR THIS UNPAID INTERNSHIP? DOES THAT SOUND FAIR TO YOU?" Ugh!

Anyway, looking for jobs post-graduation is hella depressing, particularly because I am sorting through all my old school papers because I have nothing else to do, and I feel like I'm not living up to the promise of my sixth grade self, who wrote a relatively historically accurate short story about Vikings with real Viking words in it, based on her favorite educational magazine, Kids Discover. (Also, in seventh grade we had to create our own themed magazines and my theme was books. The title? Bibliophile. No joke. Like, I wish I could travel back in time and be like, "Really, twelve year old Mary? Bibliophile? You're lucky you don't go to a school where dorks get beat up.")

So, in conclusion, here are some things I recently purchased at the De Anza Flea Market, where I watched my mom's booth for awhile and the buyers are so cheap I felt like stabbing a large amount of the customers. I really wanted to stab this old Russian or German or something lady wearing leopard print pants in particular, but they were numerous in amount.

Also, flea markets have really gone downhill! Most of the merchandise is the same stuff you get at dollar stores, like crap imported from China, and the booths full of truly old things are few and far between.

I spotted these heads at a booth, and they were $20, so I was like, "I'll think about them." Then I thought about them a lot and I decided I couldn't live without them and then I couldn't find the booth and I got kind of panicked but luckily I found it and now I have more useless decor for when I move out. They're from the 50's. The boy head looks gay, gay, gay. I think he's wearing lipstick.

I mostly rummaged through this box of stuff because this shaky old man was very insistent and I felt bad for him or something. He showed me this amazing Victorian pocket watch he had too but I didn't buy it because it was $50. Every time I looked at something for more than half a second, he'd shriek, "Set it aside!" I ended up putting all this random stuff aside, like the inside of a watch. Anyway, I did buy this from him for $4, which wasn't so cheap, but I do like it. I think it's a tie pin but I chose to wear it in my hair.

I know I should have edited out all the trash in this one, but whatevs. Also, let's pretend you can't see my bra through the dress. This was $8. It looks like a 40's knit dress but it's from the early 80's I think.

Here is my squirrel pin that I took from my Mom's store, Mary's Exchange. It was there to jazz up the dress. I did not buy it at the flea market. I always feel frumpy in my glasses so I took them off for this shot.

Photos of Inspiration

Ugly UO: Shall It Never End?

What a steal, this "Palm Tree Printed Bianca Tunic" has been marked down to 7.99! I know I'm always talking about my dreams of dressing like a baby prostitute from 1982, but an item like this just kind of makes me face the sober reality of that particular situation. Maybe it wouldn't be all gold lamé hot pants and orange Candies and huge earrings. It could be as sad as this. And it's like really, boots? You're pairing boots with a long t-shirt that has palm trees on it? Okay, I guess.

You know, Delia's now has full pages of models in their underwear. And it's just like, I don't think the fourteen year olds who buy from Delia's and Urban need to see these images. They're nothing wrong with laying the lingerie on the ground and taking a picture of it like that. They don't need to see these jutting hipbones and protruding clavicles, okay? You've already made them feel bad enough about themselves with your bony, lank-ass models fully clothed.



And now back to these shorts, which, of course are polyester. These are so wide-legged (thighed?) that probably both the model's legs could fit into one of them. I'm really not against shorts in general, but these are so bulky and pleated they look like they should be paired with a raspberry, shoulder-padded blazer and wave bangs, Also, this is bordering on a formal short, a trend I thought was dead, but Urban seems to be clinging onto, with their cold, lifeless hands that are probably wearing ironic rings and whatnot.

This UO Artist Series Zip Up was originally a very overpriced $78. I guess what you are paying for is this gorgeous original artwork by LA-based artist Wil Lin, which looks a lot like the artwork I criticized recently, but more clothed. This is an example of when an artist and a designer "collaborate" which means the artist's designs are pasted on a sweatshirt. And seriously, why did they hire this dude when they could have just copied this exact drawing from the doodles on a twelve year old girl's math homework? (This is kind of a good idea for a clothing line, actually.)

These are called the Cheap Monday Jogging Pant, but we all know we are not actually supposed to jog in them, as evidenced by the fact that the model is wearing some sort of weird slippers. Okay, does anyone remember the name of those pants that everyone had in the early 90's that were really brightly colored and patterned and had an elastic waist and a little label in front? Something like ZAMZ or JAMZ? (then again, what wasn't called that in the early 90's?) I had a pair that were bright yellow, bright turquoise, black, and maybe some other colors. They were a real psychedelic freakout. These are more like a panic attack, but they're along the same lines.

Dick In a Box Withstanding...

Recently (well, over the summer) Gerard asked me why I hated Justin Timberlake. What I want to know is, why does our generation like Justin Timberlake? And not just ugg-wearing sixteen year olds, but lesbians! The "writers" on Pitchfork! Hipsters! Have you ever gone to a hipster party and not heard Justin Timberlake at least once? For some reason, Justin Timberlake seems to be untouchable as far as criticism goes. Well, I have my reasons, and they are forthcoming.

First of all, his music is bad. I'm all for catchy/shallow pop music, but "Sexyback?" Was there a hook in that song? I know everyone loved it (maddening!) but to me it just sounded like him moaning. "Sexybaaaaaack." That's how the song went. Besides that, could his music be any more overproduced? His actual voice is totally unrecognizable in all his "Future Sex" songs. Also, he doesn't write it, he "cowrites" it. With a team of producers. Like Ashlee Simpson.

"Future Sex/Love Sounds." What kind of douchey title is that? It sounds like the name of a terrible modern art show. Of course, this is coming from someone who named his first album "Justified," so what can we expect? It's like, really? Future Sex/Love Sounds? Do you think you are Miles Davis or something?

When beginning this post, I was like, I'm going to googleimage search him and I know I'll find an appropriate picture of him right away. I wasn't aware that he played guitar, myself, but it's more the look on his face that fills me with rage. This one, this one or this one would have been good too. Another thing that bothers me about Justin is that he is considered to have "soul." In fact, he opened a soul food restaurant in New York! Just think, you can go to Moby's vegan "tea bar" or whatever the hell that is and then head on over to experience the taste of authenticity (ohmygod this website is so funny!)

Another much-admired quality of Justin's is how stylish he is. Yeah, he dresses pretty well now that less ugly styles are popular, but let's take a short trip down memory lane and remember when he dressed like this. I remember, at the time, being horrified by this outfit. It's not like you were forced to dress this way in the year 2000. It's not like anyone forced you to wear cornrows. (I guess the soul was trying to escape there.) Clearly he is dressed by some trendy-ass stylist, as evidenced by this so four years ago look.



Which brings me to my final point, that he was in Nsync. If you went to high school during the period when boy bands were actually popular, and not even just boy bands like Fallout Boy but boy bands who were always posing like closeted gay Christian high school drama club members in matching outfits and everyone was all taking it seriously, and one of the "hot one" dated and wore matching outfits with Britney Spears, and that band wasn't even as good as the Backstreet Boys because we all know the "Backstreet's Back" video where they were dressed as monsters was pretty awesome, then I guess you feel some sort of adolescent bitterness towards a member of the band who got really successful. I mean, I'm fine with a Ricky Martin level of fame for Justin, and feel that's deserved (especially the current level, but even during the madness that was the "La Vida Loca" craze.) But nothing more!

PS: Looking up pictures of NSync is actually really funny and worth your time.

By the way, I think you have to cut and paste like half of those links into the address bar but it is 100% worth it.

Perky Nipples and Vacant Eyes: Women Depicted in Art

I occasionally look at a livejournal community called Black Cigarette, which is really kind of amazing. There are lots of posts like this, written by amazingly pretentious seventeen year olds who think their love of French New Wave/Audrey Hepburn/The Royal Tenenbaums is really beautiful and special and amazing (not to say that some normal people don't post there or whatever, but that's the general vibe.) This post on movie quotes is also pretty mind-blowing.

Anyway, there was recently a post on modern art and it's depictions of women, with the main poster commenting on her love of "gorgeous lips and sullen eyes and nipples and hipbones!" The point is, it repulsed me to no end, with its endless parade of naked, idealized, vacant, passive, cartoony women drawn like hipster Bratz dolls, a lot of which kind of reminds me of doodles I did in high school, but, you know, more offensive. I really can't believe the proliferation of this kind of art! This community is full of young women who are supposed to be artsy, but no one seemed to be able to find any art depicting women you know, doing something, besides maybe licking their fingers.

Simone is more of an expert in this than me, but I can't believe not one of them mentioned Amy Cutler, Kiki Smith or Kara Walker, all (very famous, established) artists who regularly depict women as so much more than docile little nymphets- and who a lot of the crappy artists are basically ripping off.

Anyway, I just love this painting on wood up top by Audrey Kawasaki, who apparently paints the "best proportioned faces and the sweetest supple bodies." The two chicks making out and the girl in her underwear are really making me think, and the vague manga style (ohmygod, there's so much more of that!) is pretty fresh.

Ugh. Does this work by "John John Jesse" look like Suicide Girls fan art or what? The whole tableaux with the octopus and the used condom and the naked girl, and how the octopus is wearing a crown, it's very daring.


Oh man! First of all, I hate how every single "surreal" artist thinks the most "surreal" thing ever is a fugly barren landscape; it was ugly when Salvador Dali did it but now we have someone who is copying Salvador Dali but adding the crucial element of a skinny little female in a trendy dress with her skirt blowing up. I mean, Dali's nudes were offensive and all too, but at least they weren't this retarded. By Fuco Ueda.
This is the kind of art that looks like the doodles I did in high school, but mine didn't have girls with leaves stuck to their tits. We have already seen this style, which is a rip-off of 70's stuff, in Calvin Klien ads and on the cover of this Donnas album and it is just fucking everywhere!

I can just imagine the artists (Nadia Hunt) being like, "I guess I'll draw a leaf...now a girl with long hair flowing into the leaf...now a girl with shaggy hair....how about a flowy plant to add to the mix?" It must be a laborious creative process!

This one's a picture by Cedric Rivrain of Kate Moss topless, doing it with a swan. Look at her face! Even the real Kate Moss looks more coherant! Look at all the wacky stuff these ladies are doing: being naked for no reason, hanging out with crazy animals in bleak landscapes, showing their boobs...the list goes on and on!


A topless girl in the bushes, looking frightened and drugged. This one evokes a lot of questions, like, "Why is she topless in the bushes?" Not to be sexist, but I can't believe this is the work of a female artist. It looks like the work of a balding forty-five year old who tries to pick up fourteen year olds on the bus to pose for his "erotic art." By Jessica Mccourt(!)


God, this is so tacky and ugly! Are these people just copying pages out of Vogue or something? By Lori Earley.
Just lovely. Really evocative of "artist"/douchebag Jeff Koons, airbrushed porn stars, maybe a little Paris Hilton, lingerie catalogues...

Yeah. Seriously. This is seriously a painting that someone painted. If I went to a gallery and the work of "Sas Christian" was on display, I would definitely feel the urge to destroy it a la that guy who took a chainsaw to Michaelangelo's Piata in the 70's. But what I really want to know is, what is under that red t-shirt? I bet it's boobs!


God, this is so offensive! She's eating out of a dog bowl! And the exploitation of cephalopods in these is perhaps even more offensive than the anime porn. By Junko Mizuno.


This is derivative of Tank Girl, except that Tank Girl was a positive force for young ladies, and everyone was really into it in 1995 when cyber clothing was popular. This piece by Camilla D'errico takes all the cyber hideousness of 1995 with a much added dash of confused and busty twelve year old.

I'm so glad that all this art is totally free of body hair. I, for one, appreciate the shading on the naked crotch of the red-haired one. I love how the women in this one are ostensibly supposed to be some kind of selkies/mermaids/sea creatures, but they also found the time to apply makeup, get boob jobs, and squeeze in a Brazilian! Who says today's modern water sprite can't do everything? By Esao Andrews.

And, finally, this piece of crap by Aya Takano, of two retarded adolescent blow up dolls about to make out.

I'd like to end this with a quote from the post: "I don't like Audrey Kawasaki. I think sometimes she gets too close to kiddie porn. But I know what you mean about painting of women. Intoxicating."

Haven't these people ever heard of the male gaze, for christsakes? Don't they know that these images of women as passive"muses" and sexual objects is pretty much the oldest and most typical subject there is? What do we get from these images that cannot be gotten from a crappy fashion ad? All in all, it's sad this art is bad and popular and all, but it's even more sad that it's popular among young women.