Friday, November 30, 2007
Ugly UO: Shall It Never End?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Dick In a Box Withstanding...
Recently (well, over the summer) Gerard asked me why I hated Justin Timberlake. What I want to know is, why does our generation like Justin Timberlake? And not just ugg-wearing sixteen year olds, but lesbians! The "writers" on Pitchfork! Hipsters! Have you ever gone to a hipster party and not heard Justin Timberlake at least once? For some reason, Justin Timberlake seems to be untouchable as far as criticism goes. Well, I have my reasons, and they are forthcoming.First of all, his music is bad. I'm all for catchy/shallow pop music, but "Sexyback?" Was there a hook in that song? I know everyone loved it (maddening!) but to me it just sounded like him moaning. "Sexybaaaaaack." That's how the song went. Besides that, could his music be any more overproduced? His actual voice is totally unrecognizable in all his "Future Sex" songs. Also, he doesn't write it, he "cowrites" it. With a team of producers. Like Ashlee Simpson.
"Future Sex/Love Sounds." What kind of douchey title is that? It sounds like the name of a terrible modern art show. Of course, this is coming from someone who named his first album "Justified," so what can we expect? It's like, really? Future Sex/Love Sounds? Do you think you are Miles Davis or something?
When beginning this post, I was like, I'm going to googleimage search him and I know I'll find an appropriate picture of him right away. I wasn't aware that he played guitar, myself, but it's more the look on his face that fills me with rage. This one, this one or this one would have been good too. Another thing that bothers me about Justin is that he is considered to have "soul." In fact, he opened a soul food restaurant in New York! Just think, you can go to Moby's vegan "tea bar" or whatever the hell that is and then head on over to experience the taste of authenticity (ohmygod this website is so funny!)
Another much-admired quality of Justin's is how stylish he is. Yeah, he dresses pretty well now that less ugly styles are popular, but let's take a short trip down memory lane and remember when he dressed like this. I remember, at the time, being horrified by this outfit. It's not like you were forced to dress this way in the year 2000. It's not like anyone forced you to wear cornrows. (I guess the soul was trying to escape there.) Clearly he is dressed by some trendy-ass stylist, as evidenced by this so four years ago look.

Which brings me to my final point, that he was in Nsync. If you went to high school during the period when boy bands were actually popular, and not even just boy bands like Fallout Boy but boy bands who were always posing like closeted gay Christian high school drama club members in matching outfits and everyone was all taking it seriously, and one of the "hot one" dated and wore matching outfits with Britney Spears, and that band wasn't even as good as the Backstreet Boys because we all know the "Backstreet's Back" video where they were dressed as monsters was pretty awesome, then I guess you feel some sort of adolescent bitterness towards a member of the band who got really successful. I mean, I'm fine with a Ricky Martin level of fame for Justin, and feel that's deserved (especially the current level, but even during the madness that was the "La Vida Loca" craze.) But nothing more!
PS: Looking up pictures of NSync is actually really funny and worth your time.
By the way, I think you have to cut and paste like half of those links into the address bar but it is 100% worth it.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Perky Nipples and Vacant Eyes: Women Depicted in Art
I occasionally look at a livejournal community called Black Cigarette, which is really kind of amazing. There are lots of posts like this, written by amazingly pretentious seventeen year olds who think their love of French New Wave/Audrey Hepburn/The Royal Tenenbaums is really beautiful and special and amazing (not to say that some normal people don't post there or whatever, but that's the general vibe.) This post on movie quotes is also pretty mind-blowing.
Oh man! First of all, I hate how every single "surreal" artist thinks the most "surreal" thing ever is a fugly barren landscape; it was ugly when Salvador Dali did it but now we have someone who is copying Salvador Dali but adding the crucial element of a skinny little female in a trendy dress with her skirt blowing up. I mean, Dali's nudes were offensive and all too, but at least they weren't this retarded. By Fuco Ueda.
This is the kind of art that looks like the doodles I did in high school, but mine didn't have girls with leaves stuck to their tits. We have already seen this style, which is a rip-off of 70's stuff, in Calvin Klien ads and on the cover of this Donnas album and it is just fucking everywhere!
This one's a picture by Cedric Rivrain of Kate Moss topless, doing it with a swan. Look at her face! Even the real Kate Moss looks more coherant! Look at all the wacky stuff these ladies are doing: being naked for no reason, hanging out with crazy animals in bleak landscapes, showing their boobs...the list goes on and on!
A topless girl in the bushes, looking frightened and drugged. This one evokes a lot of questions, like, "Why is she topless in the bushes?" Not to be sexist, but I can't believe this is the work of a female artist. It looks like the work of a balding forty-five year old who tries to pick up fourteen year olds on the bus to pose for his "erotic art." By Jessica Mccourt(!)
God, this is so tacky and ugly! Are these people just copying pages out of Vogue or something? By Lori Earley.
Just lovely. Really evocative of "artist"/douchebag Jeff Koons, airbrushed porn stars, maybe a little Paris Hilton, lingerie catalogues...
Yeah. Seriously. This is seriously a painting that someone painted. If I went to a gallery and the work of "Sas Christian" was on display, I would definitely feel the urge to destroy it a la that guy who took a chainsaw to Michaelangelo's Piata in the 70's. But what I really want to know is, what is under that red t-shirt? I bet it's boobs!
God, this is so offensive! She's eating out of a dog bowl! And the exploitation of cephalopods in these is perhaps even more offensive than the anime porn. By Junko Mizuno.
This is derivative of Tank Girl, except that Tank Girl was a positive force for young ladies, and everyone was really into it in 1995 when cyber clothing was popular. This piece by Camilla D'errico takes all the cyber hideousness of 1995 with a much added dash of confused and busty twelve year old.
And, finally, this piece of crap by Aya Takano, of two retarded adolescent blow up dolls about to make out.I'd like to end this with a quote from the post: "I don't like Audrey Kawasaki. I think sometimes she gets too close to kiddie porn. But I know what you mean about painting of women. Intoxicating."
Haven't these people ever heard of the male gaze, for christsakes? Don't they know that these images of women as passive"muses" and sexual objects is pretty much the oldest and most typical subject there is? What do we get from these images that cannot be gotten from a crappy fashion ad? All in all, it's sad this art is bad and popular and all, but it's even more sad that it's popular among young women.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Boot Season is Upon Us
PS: I really called the whole "bootie" craze of aught-seven with this post, didn't I? Everyone knows all those booties are just copies of styles made in the 30's and 40's, right? Right?
Monday, November 19, 2007
I Love the 70's : Part One of a Series
I don't know why exactly, but lately, I have been really obsessed with the 70's. I kind of feel like the 70's were the last hurrah in terms of well-designed and unique everyday objects like toasters and televisions, and the way everything was always brown and orange and avocado green is kind of cool even though technically those colors are kind of fug.Another thing about the 70's is that feminism started to come into the mainstream, and, for a brief period, was actually kind of cool. Looking at 70's ads, you see all these images of grinning women doing karate kicks and or being park rangers or what have you because suddenly it was hip to not be a docile housewife or generally passive looking (for brief time.)
Look at all these active ladies (except the one who is getting the man to change her tires, but whatever.) I also love the quote next to the woman in the pool.
Whatever is going on with Joan Jett's boots (it looks scenic) in this photo, it's amazing.
This is a film still from a Pam Grier movie (Coffee?) and boy are those bellbottoms fabulous. The whole set-up of the shot and the colors are really great.
For the past ten years or so, I have been planning- when I have some money-to have a custom made velvet suit in the style of Mick's here, with a tight fit and bellbottoms. It's going to be dark purple. Anyway, this photo is amazing on many levels.
I just stole this photo of this kid's 1970's era bar mitzfah off the internet. I love the lady on the left's boots and skirt combo, and the way photos from this decade often have this kind of glowy yellow light. Sunday, November 18, 2007
Seal of Approval
I have to say, it's impossible to hate Amy Winehouse. Like, really impossible. Sure, her music is pretty blah and most of the time her 21-inch hips are stuffed into some boring outfit that looks like it came from Aeropostale by way of Crackton, but I tell you I don't care. The way she looks like a homeless B-52 and her hair is five feet high and looks like it is hiding buried treasure and her teeth are fucked up and she has her real nose and her eyeliner looks like a five year old did it and I'm always reading stuff like, "Amy Winehouse reportedly told the BBC to 'piss off'" or "Amy Winehouse left her VMA in the bathroom," well, it's all pretty endearing. I mean, I know supposedly she's a drug addict, but so is everyone else and they never do it with such style, you know?PS: This title comes from, when, in high school, Naira and I would give the "seal of approval" to people we didn't hate. Not very many people received the seal, so it was a rare honor. Probably like ten people got it or something. And they all should have got tattoos and formed a secret society of people we kind of liked, but not enough to be our real friends.
PPS: Also, Gaby saw Amy Winehouse in an Aldo last summer- class! That's all.
Sometimes Even Looking Like Egon Spengler Can't Save You
Thursday, November 15, 2007
RitS Presents: Advice from a Fashion Genius
Anyway, even though it's not usually a good idea to follow all the prescribed fashion rules, it's a good idea to know them because they are based in some ideas about symmetry and balance, however out of whack. If you have big boobs, you want to balance them with the rest of your body, creating a harmonious look.
The looks above, all from the less classy forever21.com are looks that, generally, will not work so well with a larger bust. The first dress, which almost might work in a flapperish way but is probably really ugly in real life, provides no definition for the boobs, not even one seam or pleat, as well as no waist definition, so the whole thing will just hang down from the bust like a curtain. The second top, which no one should ever even try on or think about buying anyway because it's poly satin, would work if the neck was more of a v or scoop style, but as it is will just make you look like you are all boob. The last top, again, doesn't provide any definition for the boobs, creating a sports-bra type effect, and cuts across the bust in not the best place.
These dresses, also selected from f21, also will work well. The first one works for the same reasons a wrap dress does- it has a nicely defined waist, room/definition for the boobs, and a flattering v-neck. The second one is kind of blousy, but the elastic waistline gives it shape, and the sheer fabric showing the v-neckline will show off a little cleavage without being in your face. The last dress also hints at cleavage but the bow makes it demure, and again it has a shape and a waist and blah blah blah. Sunday, November 11, 2007
RIP, Wednesday Addams
For a time in the mid 90's, it seems like it was possible to be famous and not look like Lindsay Lohan looks now. Juliette Lewis, Christina Ricci, even Drew Barrymore were all kind of considered to be hot, but in a quirky, offbeat way. (Remember when Drew Barrymore was all about being bisexual and wearing daisies in her hair and was kind of weird? I thought she was sooo beautiful when she looked like this and this. I thought it was so edgy when she dyed her hair black.) Looking at this photo of Gaby Hoffman and Christina really makes me kind of sad. They're just at a premiere or something looking totally normal, like they picked their own clothes and put on their own eyeliner and semi-combed their own hair. And they were famous! Little girls liked them!
The point is, I also thought Christina Ricci was totally cool as well. Obviously she had played Wednesday Addams, a character my friends and I thought was totally badass even though my friend Lucy never let me play her in games and I always had to be one of those terrible blond girls. Then she was in Now and Then, which is a great movie for young girls, and she played this surly tomboy character and it was awesome.
Then she got older and she started wearing lots of black eyeliner and looking angry and showing up in outfits magazines said were "unflattering" and she was all rebellious and stuff and she seemed like she really didn't care about buying into that evil Hollywood game and all. It was just so cool that she seemed kind of smart and slightly chubby and awkward and normal looking. It seemed so appropriate she would, at fourteen or whatever, react to fame in this way instead of having a weave and smiling a lot and being the sort of creepy idealized teen starlet.
I'm sure the pressure of being even semi-normal looking in Hollywood is very hard to bear, and it really just seems to be getting worse and worse in terms of letting people look different. Every time I see a photo of Christina now, looking all hungry and bony in some fugly designer dress, it makes me shed a (metaphorical) tear for the girl who once wore lots of black and flame capris and looked pissed off and seemed like she had the potential to be interesting.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
"Owner of a Lonely Heart" is Stuck in my Head
Anyway, it's all very fascinating,- I really love that long gray tank dress old MK is showing us in the last picture. It looks very flattering, unique, and well-designed. Apparently "The Row" has sold really well, probably to the same public that buys Britney's perfume and The Jaime collection by Jaime Pressley. I'm really sure that all these "designers" are constantly hard at work on their "designs."
Also, I just spent like twenty minutes trying to find this one photo of Fergie's line for Kipling (remember those hideous nylon bags with the monkey hanging off them that were really expensive and I dreamed of owning in seventh grade?) that I saw in an old People magazine and stared at for like five minutes in order to make a reference to Paris Is Burning in relation to them, but of course I couldn't find the right one, so the pic at the end of this post will have to do, even though it doesn't look nearly as Paris Is Burning as the other one.
But, I admit, I don't really hate the Olsens. I hate aspects of the Olsens, many aspects I guess, but I guess what I appreciate about them (mostly Mary Kate) is that they sometimes look completely psychotic in the name of fashion, and, in their own troll-like way, seem very devoted to it in a way that other self-proclaimed fashion-loving starlets (Lindsay Lohan, for instance) don't. They don't just wear the latest trends their stylist put them in, and sometimes they look crazy, and not just because of their blank and hungry eyes.
As a visual aid, I've added this photo of Mary Kate super Stevie Nicks-ed out at the supermarket, or the one above where she is wearing the fur jacket. She kind of looks like a crazy old lady in these pictures, or a fashionable gremlin. I also really felt jealous of this beautiful vintage lace dress Ashley wore to the premiere of the classic film Troy. I mean, technically I'm against all they stand for, but I'd rather look at photos of the Olsens clothes than of most famous people. 
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
How Boys Should Dress
This is from some fashion spread. It is the gayest picture ever and I love it. Something about severely side-parted hair is so very retro and neat. Clearly they are all listening in through the door at the boys school on to other boys with side-parted hair jerking each other off.
These guys opened up a Viktor & Rolf fashion show last year. The mist, the tailcoats, the aforementioned side-parted hair, it's all so silent film. I love that they are dancing together too.
This is a film still from somewhere (sorry, I should really be checking my sources here), also looking more than a bit gay. I love that roll-neck cardigan with the tie, it's so proper-1920's man and looks so neat and cozy at the same time. It looks like he is wearing a high collar with rounded tips instead of pointy ones, which is also very 20's.
This is from The Sartorialist, and I think the guy is dressed for some Scottish something or other. Anyway, it is all pretty amazing, especially the matching tartan suitcase. Pulling off a double-breasted blazer with shorts is no mean feat, you know?
I'm pretty sure this is from Clara Bow's It (anyway, it's definitely Clara Bow) where she plays a shopgirl wooed by some homosexuals and wears lots of cute clothes. I love how, in silent films, men always wore tons of eyeliner with their perfect suits. I think this might have been some sort of holdover from stage makeup, and it always makes everyone seem like that much more of a glamorous dandy. The man in the forefront has the high rounded collar again, a cut-away jacket, and baggy pants- kind of a fancy version of the Charlie Chaplin look I talked about in an earlier post.
This is from the same fashion spread as the top pic. The plaid shirts and sweaters and vests look very 40's altogether. 
I guess I liked this image because it looked old even though it's just the kid who played Cedric in the Harry Potter movies. On second thought, he looks kind of thuggish compared to the more neatly-turned out men in this post. Where is your tie, young man?
This is from the Sartorialist too. Ohmygod, he's got a monocle! He looks like Teddy Roosevelt, and the way his red vest and handkerchief goes with his gray suit is great.
