Pez Defined

Way back in 2005, my friend and I wrote an article we published in our terrible school paper, and since it sort of relates to fashion, and because the young people of today (aka the three people who read this blog, most of whom have already been emailed this anyway) really need to hear about this. I've added some visual aids- though keep in mind, Pez doesn't stop at Hot Topic. It goes far beyond that.- to Urban Outfitters, and far, far beyond.

R U PEZ?

Many people at this college are. You may see them scooting by on unicycles, or making comments they think are funny in class. Sometimes they have kazoos. It’s more than just things you do or own or wackily wear in a jaunty fashion atop your head. It’s a mindset. A way of life. If you are Pez, you view the world through Pez-colored glasses. Of course, you can be Pez in disguise. Your sober appearance may be hiding a Pez-filled soul. But once you open your mouth, your cover is blown. Rarely, someone will look Pez outwardly, but not have a Pez attitude. Rarely. Barely ever. But it could potentially happen.

Not everything Pez is bad. In fact, there was a time when mullets were funny and Adult Swim was new. Tim Burton isn’t a bad filmmaker, and who doesn’t go in for 80’s nostalgia occasionally? But combine all these things, and you’re treading dangerous water.I’m sure you want to know- are you Pez? Be honest in your answers. Don’t lie. If you are Pez, you’re not alone. In fact, you are surrounded by Pez peers. Feel free to embrace it, to embellish what is already Pez in your life. (Do you have an alcohol-themed poster or sign on your door? If not, think about getting one. It’s like saying, “Watch out world. Johnny Pez is on the loose!”) Of course, if you’re horrified when you find out you’re Pez, there is hope for you. The first step is realizing what you are. Then you should probably change. Or whatever. Give yourself a point for every “yes!”

1. Have you ever named a pet Bob? Or, do you think that is a kick-ass pet name?

2. Are t-shirts with sayings like, “[This deity] is my homeboy,”; “I see dumb people,”; “I just do what the voices in my head tell me to,” something you would include in your wardrobe?

3. Can you tolerate more than one episode of Spongebob Squarepants?

4. Do you think any of the following things make for comedy gold: Ninjas, cheese, mullets, pants, monkeys,robots, Jesus in wacky situations, commercials for Adult Swim. (Give yourself a point for each.)

5. Are you like, totally obsessed with Tim Burton movies?

6. Do you add emoticons on "the Net"? (Give yourself an extra point if you have a livejournal.)

7. “All the good anime is the real Japanese stuff nobody knows about. I can’t even watch this Americanized crap.” Would you agree with that statement?

8. Do you think any of the following pretty much rock: Fairies, Invader Zim, Vanilla Ice, professional wrestling, Mr. T, 80s cartoons like Thundercats, wearing fairy wings and stripey tights (especially together.)

9. Do you regularly vocalize your fear of clowns, and possibly suspect that clowns are both evil and out to get you, and then vocalize that also?

10. Do you often discuss your own weirdness,craziness, and/or dorkiness?

11. Is Ralph Wiggum your favorite Simpsons character?

12. Do you like to express your politics with Che Guevara shirts or bumper stickers that make use of the double meanings of the word “Bush?”

RESULTS!!!!

0-5: You’re not Pez. Perhaps if you scored a four or five, you may be flirting with the Pez lifestyle, bu tit should be okay- we all have a little Pez in us. But don’t let it get out of control. Maybe think about joining the resistance. :

5-15: You’re low-level to moderately high Pez. Maybe you have a t-shirt with a witty saying or raise your hand in class to talk about your struggles with depression. But you could go either way- there’s time to turn back from Pez, especially if you’re in the lower numbers. Or it could get to a more advanced stage. :P

15-25: You are Pez. :D25+: Wow. :o You should be proud of yourself, because you clearly take things to the proverbial “hoop.”There’s no, “Am I Pez? What type of personality do Have? What am I all about?” You’re mega-Pez. You’re a Pez dispenser. You’re a god among all things Pez. So settle back with a nice bottle of Jones soda, pop in your Season 3 Sea Lab DVD, and take pride in the fact that you’re just like everybody else….to the extreme!!!