Ugly UO Items of the Whatever: Where is My Snap-Crotch Bodysuit?

I recently looked at my passport photo circa 1994, and I'm wearing a maroon thermal babydoll dress and this vest I got at the famed, now defunct Esprit outlet in South City (was it in South City? I don't know) that was made up of a sort of patchworky, men's tie style fabric in navy, grayish blue and maroon. It wasn't that ugly, actually, for 1994. I also accessorized it with a tiny fake cameo necklace. It was so Clarissa Explains It All!

Anyway, nobody is going to buy this fugly denim vest for $48. Not just because it's shapeless, and kind of acid washed, but because I SAW THIS DAMN VEST AT GOODWILL FOR $2 AND NOBODY WANTED IT.

This "Bird Printed Bianca Tunic" is a real gem. Now that everything is this weird length where it's too short to be a dress but too long to be a top, no one know what to do any more. Urban has solved this by just making it a skanky dress, but it's not like she looks alluring. She looks overmedicated (my god, the fast paced life of an Urban Outfitters model!) , and so do those sad little birds. Even though I've spoke in the past of how I'm sick of birds being stuck on everything, at least birds in general are pleasing to the eye. But they're not pleasing if they're lavender and stuck haphazardly on something teal. This whole look is just so depressing.

First of all, why does everything have to created in the murkiest of all colors? Why is everyone so afraid to wear, I don't know, red? Personally, I have trouble going out in public if I am wearing a gray sweater and jeans, and feel depressed and drab and "What would Dolly Parton think?" and all that, but finding cute things in a bright color that's not mustard nowadays is nearly impossible.

But let's get down to the business at hand, the Lux Andover Onepiece, a "menswear-inspired romper." Kind of like my menswear inspired Esprit vest. In fact, I think they may have actually copied this from a "vintage" 1994 design. I can just imagine the Urban designers staying up late at night, pausing stills from Clarissa Explains It All and Blossom to see just how the sunflower is placed on Mayim Bialik's (Side note: she once bought a 1940's suit at my mother's clothing store- so glamorous!) hat or studying the boxy shape of Melissa Joan Hart's crop top, velvet choker, and shorts combo. Anyway, the point is, this is hideous and has NO SHAPE whatsoever. It's like, the waist is kind of a drop waist, but not really, and it's kind of loose, but not really. It is, however, 100% stupid looking.

What is with the hair on these models? It looks like they combed through it with Vaseline. I guess they are trying to be edgy. Well, there is nothing edgier than this butter yellow, Oversized Hoodie Vest, a real steal for something acrylic at $72. You know how I said I felt depressed when I had to wear boring clothes and neutral colors? Well, I would rather rock that onesie in the previous picture than be forced to wear this. Aside from the obvious fact that short-sleeved hoodies are stupid, the sloppy, floppy fit and gaping armholes are just so fug.

Looking at this makes me want to, much like Mayim Bialik, don a fitted 40's suit like this and do up my hair and try to avoid this "pajamas as daywear" look as much as possible.

Lastly, this Bias Stripe Sweater, which they claim is "retro", which I guess means "late 80's." But really this reminds me more of those filthy poncho pullover things that hippies wear all the time. God do I hate those. They always look like really itchy, and like they have never been washed, and always come in colors like "dishwater and gray." Anyway, this sweater, like the one above, is of the slouchy and gaping acrylic-blend variety. I think the picture speaks for itself, and it's saying, "I am so depressed and I have Vaseline in my hair and am wearing a sweater that's color is described as 'purple combo.'"

It's times like this I think the war against sacks is really unwinnable. I can just imagine the photographer on these shoots, screaming, "Okay, look lank. Lanker! Do you hear me, I said LANK!"