My Ankles Are Collapsing: The New Boot

Simone has been telling me, for quite some time, to do a post about this weird reverse boot-trend, cousin to the slouch boot, that has taken a foothold (no pun intended!!!) in the fashion world. It's a little bit 80's, a little bit avante-garde, a little bit clubfoot.
Here is a collage I made:
Just kidding! This was actually from this blog, which I will trust you to make your own opinions about. Anyway, how inspirational as usual that every designer designed the exact same thing at the same time.

Here is a closer look at the designer inspiration, by Rick Owens:
As you can see, it's a look of general ankle-collapse, a boot-cut shape melded onto your shoe. Also, for awhile now, showing the heels of shoe has been so over. It's all about the "covered platform," so you can achieve the "clubfoot look" so high in demand. I guess everyone is clamouring for as much as a diagonal line between their toes and the top of the boot that they can get.

Here are the "down market" versions, this time from Free People who are owned by Urban Outfitters"This is a weird, unsuccessful slouch bootie. The model's skinny ankles are dwarfed by these rectangular nightmares. "Obscure the shape of the foot!" I can hear the designers yelling. "The foot is dead!"

Alright, these UOs don't fit in with our theme 100%, except that they do make your feet look horribly misshapen, so I guess they actually do fit into the theme. Anyway, this combines the too-hot-right-or at least-was-hot this-summer woven huarache oxford with the bootie, which is also very popular. But more than anything it reminds me of the wildly fug Nikes everyone wore in high school, which also made one's feet look like a solid block. So buy those now, dudes, because they're probably going to be back soon! God, the year 2001 was, like, soooo awesome! I'm so ready for the revival.


What can I say? Fringe is hot, booties are hot, block-like cankles are hot. So there's no way you can go wrong in these!

These Free People shoes are taking the slouch boot trend about ten steps to far. Maybe I mention elephantiasis too often on this blog, but really, these just scream elephantiasis, loud and clear.

These are Urban Outfitters, and combine 1. The woven trend 2. The misshapen foot trend 3. The weird partially covered heel trend 4. The puzzling, but seemingly still being pushed--and, to an extent, I guess, worn even though I have never actually seen anyone wear them in real life because they make no sense---open toe boot trend. These also fall into the big ugly shoe trend, as they certainly have that "Medieval torture device" look.

These look like a column of shit. Next!


Come on, people! Are there fully formed boots hiding under this bizarre curtain? Could these look any sloppier? Are they made of linen or something? Don't you trip over these since they pool to the floor? Don't the ends get wet and shredded as they drag on the ground? Why the square toe? Why not just get any old pair of boots and tuck an old rag into the top?

This one looks like it belongs in a medical oddity museum, worn by a Renaissance-era person with some sort of foot disorder. It's funny, because the spry little elfin bootie was sort of the look of last year, but now since everything's taken such a lumpen turn, whoever designs these things decided to combine the two trends-obviously with poor results.

Anyway, the moral of this post is one that that has already been mentioned time and time again, yet still rings true: Do not combine seventeen trends at once on your person. And think "Would I be caught dead in these two years from now?" and "Why, exactly, do I long to wear them today?"