My Ankles Are Collapsing: The New Boot

Simone has been telling me, for quite some time, to do a post about this weird reverse boot-trend, cousin to the slouch boot, that has taken a foothold (no pun intended!!!) in the fashion world. It's a little bit 80's, a little bit avante-garde, a little bit clubfoot.
Here is a collage I made:
Just kidding! This was actually from this blog, which I will trust you to make your own opinions about. Anyway, how inspirational as usual that every designer designed the exact same thing at the same time.

Here is a closer look at the designer inspiration, by Rick Owens:
As you can see, it's a look of general ankle-collapse, a boot-cut shape melded onto your shoe. Also, for awhile now, showing the heels of shoe has been so over. It's all about the "covered platform," so you can achieve the "clubfoot look" so high in demand. I guess everyone is clamouring for as much as a diagonal line between their toes and the top of the boot that they can get.

Here are the "down market" versions, this time from Free People who are owned by Urban Outfitters"This is a weird, unsuccessful slouch bootie. The model's skinny ankles are dwarfed by these rectangular nightmares. "Obscure the shape of the foot!" I can hear the designers yelling. "The foot is dead!"

Alright, these UOs don't fit in with our theme 100%, except that they do make your feet look horribly misshapen, so I guess they actually do fit into the theme. Anyway, this combines the too-hot-right-or at least-was-hot this-summer woven huarache oxford with the bootie, which is also very popular. But more than anything it reminds me of the wildly fug Nikes everyone wore in high school, which also made one's feet look like a solid block. So buy those now, dudes, because they're probably going to be back soon! God, the year 2001 was, like, soooo awesome! I'm so ready for the revival.


What can I say? Fringe is hot, booties are hot, block-like cankles are hot. So there's no way you can go wrong in these!

These Free People shoes are taking the slouch boot trend about ten steps to far. Maybe I mention elephantiasis too often on this blog, but really, these just scream elephantiasis, loud and clear.

These are Urban Outfitters, and combine 1. The woven trend 2. The misshapen foot trend 3. The weird partially covered heel trend 4. The puzzling, but seemingly still being pushed--and, to an extent, I guess, worn even though I have never actually seen anyone wear them in real life because they make no sense---open toe boot trend. These also fall into the big ugly shoe trend, as they certainly have that "Medieval torture device" look.

These look like a column of shit. Next!


Come on, people! Are there fully formed boots hiding under this bizarre curtain? Could these look any sloppier? Are they made of linen or something? Don't you trip over these since they pool to the floor? Don't the ends get wet and shredded as they drag on the ground? Why the square toe? Why not just get any old pair of boots and tuck an old rag into the top?

This one looks like it belongs in a medical oddity museum, worn by a Renaissance-era person with some sort of foot disorder. It's funny, because the spry little elfin bootie was sort of the look of last year, but now since everything's taken such a lumpen turn, whoever designs these things decided to combine the two trends-obviously with poor results.

Anyway, the moral of this post is one that that has already been mentioned time and time again, yet still rings true: Do not combine seventeen trends at once on your person. And think "Would I be caught dead in these two years from now?" and "Why, exactly, do I long to wear them today?"

It's That Talentless Girl from The Hills! And She Looks Like Blossom!*

Here is a great example of a trend overload, on immensely talented performer/nose job recipient Ashley Tisdale. A bad trend overload. Now that all those trends that used to be reserved for the hipster set, from the "Indian inspired" Minnetonkas and Pocohantas bands to an overuse of scarves to oversized glasses to old lady purses, to huge men's v-neck t-shirts, have been taken up by all the preppy girls, the only way you can even tell a hipster from a standard mall JAP these days is the Mystic tan, am I right?

Anyway, Ashley has on a myriad of hipster-to-normal trends, starting with an ugly oversized t-shirt that is supposed to look like vintage but was probably $60 at Diesel. Also, a horribly fugly Chanel "vintage" style bag. Again, this mom-purse trend with the long straps is real hot. One of my fashion pet peeves, as I have mentioned many times before, is a carrying a bag that is not appropriate for the look. Usually, ladies tote around elaborate leather purses with lots of hardware and pair them with their sundresses or Juicy suits or whatever. This is no exception. I know in her case, it's supposed to look funky, but really it looks tired, besides being totally inappropriate. Then the colored jean, which we are all sick off. And finally, fringed Uggs! Uggs are out (sort of) and Minnatonkas are in so we'll just combine them!

At first thought, I didn't see Ashley, I saw her feet, and I thought she was someone with that "tree" disease as seen on TLC that perhaps some of us have been horrified by. Speaking of which, TLC should rename itself "The Sideshow Network" because every single thing on it is like, "Two Ton Dad!" "Two Ton Mom!" "The Littlest People in the World!" "The Man Who's Arms Exploded!" I mean, I'm not saying I don't watch these specials on occasion, but it's interesting to note that the freak show is still alive and well, albeit with a thin veneer of "education" over it.

Alright, I'm done talking about that. now, moving on to someone from The Hills! A lesser person from The Hills! Whitney Port! Who's that? Some ho!


Auggghhhh!!! It's so 90's! Remember how often things were selectively plaid all the time in the 90's? Maybe you had a jean jacket with plaid flannel sleeves and a hood? Or a pair of overalls with a plaid pocket? Well, we all know that this has been the year that plaid and flannel have surged out of control because we're all so ready for the grunge era #2, so plaid patchwork is probably coming soon.


Just look at it! It's so shapelessly short and boxy. Is this a new garment or is it from 1992? Is she wearing friendship bracelets, too??? Seriously, are those John Lennon glasses with the purple lenses going to come back soon? I had a pair of those I thought were really cool and this one extremely cold winter when I visited my family on the east coast my mother and I got our picture in the paper and I was wearing them because I thought it would keep the cold out of my face and my grandfather framed the photo even though I looked strangely deformed in it. Probably due largely in part to the glasses.

Here are some predictions for Fall '09:

*I tried to think of a different title because I feel I mention Blossom too much on this blog, and haven't I used this reference before? Probably.