Ugly AA: We are Still "Inspired" by the 90's Because There's Nothing Else Left

Great, an Andy Kaufman shirt with the huge, hideous face of Andy Kaufman on it. You'd think we'd have gotten over our short-lived fascination with this guy after that Jim Carrey movie came out, but he is probably one of Dov Charney's personal heroes or something. I hope this goes on sale.

The look du jour. Flimsy fabric, tent-like volume, huge armholes.

This look is so nasty. This is the kind of dress pregnant Christian teens in Lifetime movies wore in the year 1996, with gelled poofy straight bangs in front and a perm in back. This and the next look from their vintage collection!
The 90's was the lumpiest, most colorless decade of them all. And now they are back with a shapeless, murky-colored vengeance! From floppy denim shirts all bunched along the sleeves to prints featuring your finest tans, blacks, and grays.

"What's going on? Why am I wearing this?" I've already posted this shirt before, but this one has cut-out sleeves. Also, do these ladies need some mousse or what???

So, as we all know, American Apparel is like, for gay rights and workers rights and stuff, but they do hate women (why else would they start a sheer poly maxi skirt trend?) in classic patriarchal fashion. This is your typical ad.

BUT! These are their male models???


And this? A brown turtleneck tucked into baggy-crotched, huge pair of khakis? On this guy?! Talk about a double standard. Where are the bashful, vaguely "ethnic" hunks with their dicks showing through their sheer underwear?

How very reassuring for the male American Apparel shoppers.

Trend Report From American Apparel: Sagging Mauve

These are from their vintage selection, priced at $38. As far as shorts go, it is difficult to get more unflattering than this. And shorts are often extremely unflattering.

Here are some more of their lovely pants in similar styles, from their hot new line, "1993 Hospital Waiting Room."

Yes, whether it is greige, mauve, beige or a washed-out puce, they offer a stunning array of colors and looks.


Or maybe those pale mint poly pleated pants were too sleek-looking. so how about this really, really dumpy looking skirt, which is made of polyester khaki chiffon? I already made fun of a very similar skirt, but whatever. The very first post I made on this blog was to hate on American Apparel, and that was three years ago. And look where I am today!!!


I am sooo sick of these dishrag-y tank tops that are always in this dingy color and hang down saggily in order to reveal your naked sides and bra. This one is a particularly fetching design.

Or what about this also polyester but pink polyester satin scarf? It's $26!!! My theory is that American Apparel has tons of scraps lying around and to make use out of them, they're like, "Use this leftover fabric for a 'Wrap It Yourself' beret or take these colored strings and braid them into a 'String Harness' for only thirty bucks!"

Speaking of unflattering shorts, everyone is wearing these 90's style shorts right now. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what makes them so ugly, because I like the idea of high-waisted shorts, but everyone looks really lumpen in this particular style. I think they smush down people's butts while simultaneously creating a pouch-like area in front. In fact, you might say even say that the fupa/flat ass look is the look du jour.

Ohmygod what the hell these clothes are so unbelievably ugly. Like, what the hell?! Do you know what I'm saying here??????? What is wrong with everyone????

More gross tops that look like they are from the 1994 Victoria's Secret catalogue. The textured one is nylon and costs $78. Basically, you are paying money to look like what Dov Charney jerked off to in the 90's. It's a real honor.


Speaking of being jerked off on, here are the photos they show on the website for their $64 jersey sheet set, which comes, exclusively, in white and gray, perhaps the grossest color for sheets. I know all American Apparel ads look like this, but maybe this one is a little more haunting? A little more of a human-trafficking vibe? Oh, who even knows anymore. It's all so distasteful.

Trend Report from American Apparel

Gaby sent me the link to these mesh harem pants, the glam "new" style from American Apparel. Reviews confirm that, upon wearing, "Men stare and women compliment!" Wow, men stare, do they? What a commendation! It's so hard to get that to happen! I might just have to slip these on and visit a bodega and let the sheer mesh harem pants do the talking, if you know what I mean! And then I can just transition to a gallery opening or a prix fixe meal or an Opening Ceremony trunk sale and I'll fit right in there too!

Says the reviewer, "I wear it with just a basic bodysuit underneath and a narrow belt on top. You cant find anything like this anywhere else!!" How about a mid 80's workout video? What I hate about American Apparel, besides the fact that they suck in every way, is that it's all about mixing frump with slore. All your sluttiness has to be coded in this weird flowy crotch and lank greasy hair or whatever to distance you from the non-ironic, non-pretentious, "run-of-the-mill" ho who you are so much better than. Speaking of which:

What the hell is up with this?! I've noticed this "new trend" at such places as Topshop, the worst store in the world besides American Apparel and also Opening Ceremony: the long shapeless sheer skirt. Finally, we can combine the dowdiness of a calf-length skirt with the sheerness of your favorite teddy. There us nothing more elegant than a cloud of polyester chiffon on a hot summer's day, especially with a thong underneath. Trust me, since you can see your butt though this, men will stare!

Also, these are the worst:

Also, let's give these monstrous, infantile hair bows a rest:

And lastly:

Visors?! Someday I'm going to take the stock from a dollar store and put new prices on everything and change the sign from Dollar Up to American Apparel and wait for patrons. Half the time I see an old Asian lady on the street carrying recycling I think she is an American Apparel type, and then sometimes the reverse happens.

Trend Report from American Apparel

You'll be the laughingstock of simply everybody if you don't rush out to purchase THE latest accesory, the scrunchie! That's right, scrunchies!!! I bet you are kicking yourself for throwing out that final moldy scrunchie you found festering in a drawer in your parent's house from sixth grade, because they are back in all over again! Finally! We here at AA like to deem them an 80's accessory, except that unfashionable people are STILL wearing scrunchies in 2009 because they are just that ugly and cheap. It's time to take advantage of that overlap right now!

And at $6 each, these scrunchies are a real steal!!! But snap them up soon, because they are "limited edition." Someday each one will be worth over $1,000! So scrunchie it up, and when you see that woman working at Arby's in her own scrunchie, remember to smile with satisfaction that you re-started to wear scrunchies right in the nick of time, before that teenage girl still wearing lenseless glasses (poor thing) is doing it!


Take a cue from this hottie and wear seven, eight, or even nineteen at once. But be sure to wax your crotch because the next trend is really going to blow even the scrunchie out of the water....




The high cut swimsuit! We here at American Apparel find that using voluptuous models is simply trashy, so we hire really skinny models to stick their butts out and show off their lack of cleavage because then it's not pornography. Also, we just love models who like kind of ethnic, but nottoo ethnic! (Gross!) Anyway, get ready for the legs of your swimsuit to be cut to your elbows just like in 1989! Ultra-flattering and super comfortable, it's the look of the summer!

As a cover-up, try the aptly named "Le Sac" dress, a dress that is cut like a sack with some cords through it that you can wrap around your body however you want. But don't just wrap any cords around it...

Though these were originally really cheap at $30 (that's $10 per strip of fabric!) they've been reduced to only $24! Think of all the fun, creative times you'll have wrapping these babies around your sack!

And last but not least....
The up-to-the-moment harem pant updated with our cool "Afrika" fabric just like all the "Afrikan" prints that were popular in the early 90's and may have had some political element which has since been erased! Anyway, you'll be left in the dust if you don't have at least one garment with a notably saggy crotch this season! Unparalled comfort, too, unless you are wearing them over a high cut bodysuit, which, of course, you are.