Trend Report From American Apparel: Sagging Mauve

These are from their vintage selection, priced at $38. As far as shorts go, it is difficult to get more unflattering than this. And shorts are often extremely unflattering.

Here are some more of their lovely pants in similar styles, from their hot new line, "1993 Hospital Waiting Room."

Yes, whether it is greige, mauve, beige or a washed-out puce, they offer a stunning array of colors and looks.


Or maybe those pale mint poly pleated pants were too sleek-looking. so how about this really, really dumpy looking skirt, which is made of polyester khaki chiffon? I already made fun of a very similar skirt, but whatever. The very first post I made on this blog was to hate on American Apparel, and that was three years ago. And look where I am today!!!


I am sooo sick of these dishrag-y tank tops that are always in this dingy color and hang down saggily in order to reveal your naked sides and bra. This one is a particularly fetching design.

Or what about this also polyester but pink polyester satin scarf? It's $26!!! My theory is that American Apparel has tons of scraps lying around and to make use out of them, they're like, "Use this leftover fabric for a 'Wrap It Yourself' beret or take these colored strings and braid them into a 'String Harness' for only thirty bucks!"

Speaking of unflattering shorts, everyone is wearing these 90's style shorts right now. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what makes them so ugly, because I like the idea of high-waisted shorts, but everyone looks really lumpen in this particular style. I think they smush down people's butts while simultaneously creating a pouch-like area in front. In fact, you might say even say that the fupa/flat ass look is the look du jour.

Ohmygod what the hell these clothes are so unbelievably ugly. Like, what the hell?! Do you know what I'm saying here??????? What is wrong with everyone????

More gross tops that look like they are from the 1994 Victoria's Secret catalogue. The textured one is nylon and costs $78. Basically, you are paying money to look like what Dov Charney jerked off to in the 90's. It's a real honor.


Speaking of being jerked off on, here are the photos they show on the website for their $64 jersey sheet set, which comes, exclusively, in white and gray, perhaps the grossest color for sheets. I know all American Apparel ads look like this, but maybe this one is a little more haunting? A little more of a human-trafficking vibe? Oh, who even knows anymore. It's all so distasteful.

Best of Lookbook: We Still Love Saggy Clothing, Looking Waifish

This is entitled "coffee & novels" even though I bet he is really drinking a skim soy latte. This guy seems very influenced by the Olsen Twins. I say he can do better! I'm tired of people saying gay gays dress better than straight men. They both dress bad. I guess this guy has some flair, but it's misplaced. A few more examples:

It's like they're in a costume, but they don't know what they are supposed to be. I guess I appreciate the campiness of it, but I think lots of gays seem to dress in parodies in a sort of version of masculinity, hence the the male cast of Jersey Shore in the Village Voice queer issue, illustrating the "guido ideal." But these looks, like all the looks here, are desperately high-fashiony, except I guess the guy in the headband, who looks more Portland 2008. No one seems influenced by anything cool or really belonging to an interesting subculture, just by what is trendy.






This is a big look for girls. It's a kind of swaddled, diapery look. Everyone is into pants with saggy apendages, like dropped crotches and voluminous ankles. More neutral. More 90's. I think maybe the two bottom ones are wearing the same flowy skort? Isn't it weird that not long ago these ladies would be wearing low-rise Sevens and Juicy suits? Like the guy above, they strive for a rumpled "I just threw this flowy skort on," look.




Also hot: tucking something voluminous into a pair of 501 cut-offs and posing with a fashion hunch.



In: long hair for the ladies. But, not curly, wild long fair. That's gross. It's lank and straight, like the pleats in your shorts. And bowler hats and faux vintage sunglasses and skorts or at least a really big shirt with no pants. Standing knock-kneed and unsteadily, as usual.

Who wore the Smiths T-Shirt Better Competition:

That first guy looks your sixth-grade dream date, whereas the second guy is doing the ubiquitous pigeon-toed 90's floral thing. Which goes to show that gay guys dress no better than straight guys, but also that everyone also dresses the same, basically. Also, that everyone is, as usual, harboring the delusion that they alone control how they dress.

Urban Outfitters in Charge, of Our Hopes, and Our Dreams...

Hey, I'm back. Back with yet another Urban Outfitters post, brought to you today by those timeless style icons, the cast of Saved by the Bell and the slightly weaker Saved by the Bell rip-off I used to watch on Saturday mornings, California Dreams (the theme song promised "Surfer dudes with attitude" and they certainly delivered.) Also, some Charles in Charge thrown in.

You know, my last Urban Outfitters post was so popular that I got over thirty responses- thirty of which I had to delete because they were all Japanese porn-related--- from those lured in, I can only assume, by the loaded combination of words I had inadvertantly made part of the post, words that included pussy/naked/Japanese/model. Will it happen again? Also, why are people posting on my blog when there is plenty of real pornography on the internet? Anyway, more creative posts are coming, but for now, this is easy and stuff.
First of all....


Ohmygod!!!!!! An oversized purple or teal washed silk blouse!!!! Ohmygod! This is what my mother wore in 1991. It is everything that is bad about the early 90's- the boxy shapelessness, the bright yet somehow passive color, the washed silk. You know, whilst recently watching an episode of Golden Girls, I zeroed in on Bea Arthur's outfit, and realized I need only add leggings to make it completely indistinguishable from that of a sexy youngster of today. I could totally see that teal blouse on Dorothy. In a peacock blue (also on the website), on Blanche.


Yeah. The first and last are elastic waist skirts, "refashioned" (a pocket's been added!!!!) by those at Urban Outfitters. These skirts are not even Saved By the Bell, the first couple of seasons. They are 1996 Saved by the Bell. The New Class, people. As for the sleeveless chambray blouse tucked into the skirts, it just goes to show that we learn nothing from the mistakes we have made in history. Not that I was going to make a Holocaust reference and thought better of it or anything.

Actually, I have nothing against this skirt itself (the top is another story) except the fact that all these full, high-waisted skirts so popular these days (and I love full, high-waisted skirts) are all made so fucking short! They look beyond infantile! Suddenly, it's super frumpy to have anything longer than knee length! On ebay, vintage sellers are destroying vintage dresses by hemming them into awkward minis! Then everyone's going to end up hating all their clothes because they are so weirdly short when hemlines end up dropping again!

Okay, this skirt on the right I do have something against. It's very Jessie Spano, though, so worth being in this post.















And lastly, these pants. These high-waisted chambray pants. These pants you can probably buy in a Sunday coupon book for $9.99, right next to the oh-so-lifelike sleeping premature baby doll named Baby Chriseee that costs only six installments of $29.99. If I was the stylist for Urban Oufitters, the pants would be paired with a holiday sweater and the model would be cradling that doll, and everything would be snug in its natural environment.

PS: Edited to add for no reason! Horrifying photos of baby dolls from the internets! Aughhhh! If there is any more proof that we need feminism to be a part of people's lives, it is the fact that women actually purchase these dolls.