Fugliest Shoes EVER!!!

Whilst browsing through Simone's Elle magazine featuring new pre-spring fashion shows or whatever the hell is going on right now (plus an article about Beyonce where she is referred to simply as "B" because I guess she doesn't go by Beyonce anymore? Is this true?), I came across this page, and I literally gasped in horror at the supreme fugliness of the shoes in the collage below. (Simone scanned it in for me, as these shoes are just so "latest five minutes" I couldn't find a style.com photo.)

Yes, all these shoes are fugly. In case you haven't noticed, the way to create an of-the-moment shoe is to start with a really massive platform, and then start gluing random shit to it. Maybe some metallic, or some fringe. Pyramid studs? Yes, please! Oh, there is some extra space near the toe! How about a chunky chain-link strap, or maybe a dangling robot charm? I think the Rodarte shoes mentioned in this post fall neatly under this category, as do the Louis Vuittons and Pradas also in the collage, and the shoes I have selected below.



But let's get down to the really, serious issue, the blue satin monstrosities in the lower left corner:


To quote the way screams were written in the Babysitters Club series, Aughhhh!!!! It's a blue satin platform espadrille in front- so, it's shaping up to be fugly anyway, because espadrilles are usually ugly and it doesn't make sense to pair the casual, ratty-looking rattan sole with a glossy, fancy fabric, and also the toe and platform (of the moment! of the moment!) are gross and huge and weirdly square, but the really scary part is how, once the back of the shoe is reached, the rattan disappears and we have a spindly, shiny black heel. And ballet strap lacing! Why?! It's like this shoe is the mutant, deformed child of two ugly shoe parents.

God, Marc Jacobs, I can't believe I used to like you! And now you have a Spongebob Squarepants tattoo and design shit like this. He needs to stop working out and get back on the coke and stop Mystic Tanning and start wearing vintage Mickey Mouse sweatshirts with Converse again.

Old Marc:

New (actual photo of Marc Jacobs/not image from gayhotornot.com):
PS (Edited to ADD): I can't believe I wrote this entire post neglecting to mention that Simone literally VIP partied with both B and MJ during her highly glamorous trip to the star-studded Miami art thing, Art Basel. Also, she saw Mystery, Matador, and his various people from The Pick-Up Artist! And they were talking about "the game!" Also, the ho who won Paris Hilton's BFF, whoever that is! God, that is several, several steps up from the Paul Giamatti* sighting I recently had in NYC, am I right? PPS: *Bitch looks no better in person!

Diatribe Against Sacks #158

Dear Reader(s),

So I haven’t posted in a long time because my room burned down, and then I was going to do my first post with before and after photos of my room, and a lot about how deeply, deeply ironic it was that I, of all people, had to lose my stuff, because most of it was part of a vast and varied vintage collection, and I had like 120 dresses or something, as well as stuff that I can never, ever get again, and certainly not for that price because eBay is totally through the roof with the prices right now, like who else is buying these early 1940’s dresses and bidding them up because I certainly never see anybody wearing them, but whatever. Most people could just go to H&M and replace their stupid clothing, but I would have to spend my time looking in attics abandoned during the Depression.

The point is, we had a fire, which is also what I always use as an excuse now for not doing something, as in “Well, of course I haven’t sent out that form yet- we had a fire.”, but the insurance people are going to fix up my mother’s house that I shouldn’t have been living in anyway since I am 24, and they are also giving me a really, really large amount of money for all the things I lost. So even though I will never be able to get back some of the things I miss very much, I guess I can at least afford some overpriced replacements. (Though there are some items that make me pretty bitter when I think about them, but more on that later.)

So I do promise a post about fire and fashion soon, but, in the meantime, I’m just going to review this Marc Jacobs collection Naira pointed out to me. This is for his more expensive line, not the Marc by Marc line which was also really ugly. It’s supposed to be neutrally slouchy and vaguely vintage inspired like all his collections are now, but I don’t know why he bothers with these vintage references anymore.

The above look is a good example of that. The jacket kind of looks like 1940’s men’s leather jacket, and the pants kind of look like a Katherine Hepburn-ish 40’s pleated pant, but these looks have been echoed throughout the 80’s and 90’s and the pants, at least, everyone is doing now because people are trying to get away from skinny jeans.

It’s very hard to do “slouchy” as a look, as it often just looks sloppy and shapeless, which is kind of the theme for this collection. The look to the right, with the hideous floppy gray pants and the muted sweater that says "HARDCORE" for some reason (wouldn't it be more accurate/funny if it just said BORING or perhaps BLAH...?) is accompanied with a mauve bag. Everything has about as much color and creativity as the chairs you wait in at the bank. To me, it's unfathomable that you could design anything you wanted, out of any materials, having access to every resource in the world, and then come up with this.

What’s annoying about Marc Jacobs is that he seems to be consciously rejecting the colorful, playful exuberance of his earlier collections by designing so many beige woolen sacks, but it’s not like he’s being revolutionary. Everyone’s designing sacks and pleated pants in muted colors. In his effort to change, he’s just become like everyone else. Also, he’s supposed to be designing like three different lines so he probably doesn’t do anything anyway, except for Zone diet and talk about his newfound love of health, over-tanning and closely cropped hair, ie, looking like a stereotypical gay.

Whoa Oh Oh, Good-bye Seventies!*

Sometimes I think people who don't like vintage don't like it because they go into vintage stores and just see a bunch of mustard polyester. The truth is, there's ugly vintage too- it's not as if everything made thirty years ago is automatically cute.

Most of Marc Jacobs' collection seemed based on this type of vintage, the kind that isn't really quite cute enough to be interesting. Whereas he used to be inspired by interesting vintage (40's puff sleeved blouses, 60's Peter Max-esque psychedelic prints, 70's granny dresses) today he just seems to imitate whatever dull, boxy 70's piece fell within his line of sight. That, or add some large buttons or oversized zippers to something.

The spring 08 collection is rife with such pieces. There were a few cute looks, also pretty much rip-offs of dresses from the early 70's (but at least less ugly ones) but the majority was like the stuff above- totally lacking in what I might call "pizazz". Ooooh, he stuck some different fabric on it! He added an extra row of buttons! The hemline is asymmetrical! Besides, Chloe already did an ugly patchworky early 70's rip off collection in the same muddy colors.

What I want to know is, why are designers copying looks that we can find at vintage stores- almost any vintage store? In fact, I found plenty of similar stuff on eBay in about five minutes- (go here, or here or here or here) most of which is much cuter than whatever foul mustard box with random faux 70's fabric attached to it Marc Jacobs is trying to put you in this spring.

*"Props" to those who get the reference made in this title!

Wherefore Art Thou, Marc Jacobs of Olde?

I used to looove Marc Jacobs. He was a designer who didn't take himself too seriously, got inspired by (or, perhaps "ripped off", but still) vintage styles, and was responsible for a million trends- big buttons, fifties-style party dresses, tromp l'oiel, a return to mod that occurred before the current return to mod. I used to covet multiple Marc Jacobs pieces every season, and there are still a few I wistfully think about. There was the luxe LV line, the slightly cheaper namesake label, and the "diffusion" label Marc by Marc Jacobs that sometimes sold things I could think about buying, if they were on sale. (The look on the bottom left is Lily Cole wearing Louis Vuitton in one of my all-time favorite runway outfits, only a few years ago.)

However, Marc Jacobs doesn't design like that anymore. First, his Marc line became a tired retread of stuff he'd done before- hey, another vintage inspired coat with big buttons, but uglier! Then his runway shows really started to fall apart- well, in my opinion. For instance, this Spring 2006 look, while much heralded in Teen Vogue, really signalled the beginning of the end for me. Soon it was all saggy turtlenecks and pleated jeans and that layered collection everyone liked so much even though it included a floor-length denim skirt.

The pictures above (click!) are an example of the new Marc, a collection I might call "extremely frumpy" or "I can see how you were trying to do an early 80's YSL/40's thing but it failed." The look on the right reminds me of the long, shapeless rayon shirtdresses people wore in 1996, particularly with that fascinating black leather belt. The middle look, the puzzling sequined blouse with collar/shapeless black maxi skirt, neither plays the two pieces off each other well nor fails to make the wearer look like a slightly flashy 75-year old virgin. The last look seems to be nod to 40's era Joan Crawford-esque power suits, but efforts to "modernize" it have simply made it depressing. In fact, if there's one word to describe Marc Jacobs new collection, it would have to be "depressing." That, or "frumpy."