Ugly UO Items of the Whatever: Where is My Snap-Crotch Bodysuit?

I recently looked at my passport photo circa 1994, and I'm wearing a maroon thermal babydoll dress and this vest I got at the famed, now defunct Esprit outlet in South City (was it in South City? I don't know) that was made up of a sort of patchworky, men's tie style fabric in navy, grayish blue and maroon. It wasn't that ugly, actually, for 1994. I also accessorized it with a tiny fake cameo necklace. It was so Clarissa Explains It All!

Anyway, nobody is going to buy this fugly denim vest for $48. Not just because it's shapeless, and kind of acid washed, but because I SAW THIS DAMN VEST AT GOODWILL FOR $2 AND NOBODY WANTED IT.

This "Bird Printed Bianca Tunic" is a real gem. Now that everything is this weird length where it's too short to be a dress but too long to be a top, no one know what to do any more. Urban has solved this by just making it a skanky dress, but it's not like she looks alluring. She looks overmedicated (my god, the fast paced life of an Urban Outfitters model!) , and so do those sad little birds. Even though I've spoke in the past of how I'm sick of birds being stuck on everything, at least birds in general are pleasing to the eye. But they're not pleasing if they're lavender and stuck haphazardly on something teal. This whole look is just so depressing.

First of all, why does everything have to created in the murkiest of all colors? Why is everyone so afraid to wear, I don't know, red? Personally, I have trouble going out in public if I am wearing a gray sweater and jeans, and feel depressed and drab and "What would Dolly Parton think?" and all that, but finding cute things in a bright color that's not mustard nowadays is nearly impossible.

But let's get down to the business at hand, the Lux Andover Onepiece, a "menswear-inspired romper." Kind of like my menswear inspired Esprit vest. In fact, I think they may have actually copied this from a "vintage" 1994 design. I can just imagine the Urban designers staying up late at night, pausing stills from Clarissa Explains It All and Blossom to see just how the sunflower is placed on Mayim Bialik's (Side note: she once bought a 1940's suit at my mother's clothing store- so glamorous!) hat or studying the boxy shape of Melissa Joan Hart's crop top, velvet choker, and shorts combo. Anyway, the point is, this is hideous and has NO SHAPE whatsoever. It's like, the waist is kind of a drop waist, but not really, and it's kind of loose, but not really. It is, however, 100% stupid looking.

What is with the hair on these models? It looks like they combed through it with Vaseline. I guess they are trying to be edgy. Well, there is nothing edgier than this butter yellow, Oversized Hoodie Vest, a real steal for something acrylic at $72. You know how I said I felt depressed when I had to wear boring clothes and neutral colors? Well, I would rather rock that onesie in the previous picture than be forced to wear this. Aside from the obvious fact that short-sleeved hoodies are stupid, the sloppy, floppy fit and gaping armholes are just so fug.

Looking at this makes me want to, much like Mayim Bialik, don a fitted 40's suit like this and do up my hair and try to avoid this "pajamas as daywear" look as much as possible.

Lastly, this Bias Stripe Sweater, which they claim is "retro", which I guess means "late 80's." But really this reminds me more of those filthy poncho pullover things that hippies wear all the time. God do I hate those. They always look like really itchy, and like they have never been washed, and always come in colors like "dishwater and gray." Anyway, this sweater, like the one above, is of the slouchy and gaping acrylic-blend variety. I think the picture speaks for itself, and it's saying, "I am so depressed and I have Vaseline in my hair and am wearing a sweater that's color is described as 'purple combo.'"

It's times like this I think the war against sacks is really unwinnable. I can just imagine the photographer on these shoots, screaming, "Okay, look lank. Lanker! Do you hear me, I said LANK!"

Have I Mentioned that Beyonce Looks Good Lately?

I just want to say again that I am glad Beyonce looks like this and is dressing like this again, instead of looking like this, even though the caption of this photo said that she should fire her stylist or whatever. Perhaps the bottom half is looking a little control-top-ish, but seriously, I love Beyonce and her bedazzled outfits and her huge weave and copious amounts of rhinestones so much. I also love that she looks curvy and womanly all the time and is wearing sheer gold hose with a bodysuit or whatever the hell that is, when most of her peers wouldn't/couldn't rock this outfit looking sickly thin.

When she wears stage clothes like these, she never looks like some trend-addicted stylist dressed her in the latest thing a la Rhianna and her high waisted pants of doom, she just looks like Beyonce. Which, as previously stated, is kind of like looking like Cher. Which is awesome.

I Am Sick of Looking at This Bitch

Welcome to my newest feature, "I Am Sick of Looking at This Bitch." I may have to edit my Shia LaBoef and Dita Von Teese posts to include these words, as they too fit well within the category.

Anyway, today I am featuring Lauren "LC" Conrad, former star of Laguna Beach and current star of The Hills. People are always talking about this show, asking, "Is it fake? I have a friend who works in LA and he says he saw them reshoot a scene? Do you think it is real?" etc. I will tell you right now, the stupid show is hella fake, much like the highly nauseating train wreck Rock of Love, all those shows like The Bachelor and Do You Want to Marry the Rich Hunchback that used to be popular during the reality craze of '02, and even Top Model, to an extent.

Anyway, I really think it's time old LC, like her doppelganger Blandy McBlanderson --whom she somehow eclipsed in fame even though they are the same person-- to finish up with her fifteen minutes, her cushy "internship" at Teen Vogue (which SUCKS, by the way, and doesn't even hold a candle to the late ElleGirl) and get off the various media sources she is constantly on, showing off her boring face, attire, and weave. She is one of those girls who are always saying things like "I live for fashion!" which to them means going out and buying the latest Juicy suit or fugly it bag and pairing everything with leggings. Away with you, LC! We are at least ready for some other Mystic-tanned twenty year old who looks forty to step into the spotlight and take away your fame. Hopefully one with some sort of stunning drug problem, for we love that sort of thing nowadays.

Why Neutrals Are Called "Neutral" and Other Lessons

Now when I look back on my outfits from high school, I'm kind of filled with shame. I mean, I can understand the thoughts (I hate school/my teachers /advertisements /"the man"/everyone in every single one of my classes/The Backstreet Boys [Yeah, it seems funny now, but they were actually really popular]/The Paul Frank monkey) and inspiration (David Bowie/ glam rock/ Nancy Spungen/ 1960's "scooter girls"/ some sort of vague riot grrrl thing) behind them, as well as the urge to look extremely different from my Gap-clad classmates, but I guess something was lacking in the execution. I didn't look good with a very short haircut courtesy of my friend while watching Empire Records, or turquoise blue hair (Punky Colors over Manic Panic/Special Effects, okay?), or fishnet shirts (for layering!)

When I discuss my terrible outfits circa 2000 with my friends, they are like, "Well, it was the best we could do at the time/I totally thought you looked awesome/were courageous for wearing that hot pink children's tutu." And this is true. We didn't have a lot to work with, and we were sixteen. We were supposed to be dying our hair magenta and painting our nails black and layering oddly and sneering at everyone and writing our angst on our Converse in Sharpie. To do any less would have been, you know, conforming.

So that's why I find Miia (the one on the top) kind of weird. I mean, yeah, no one could say she looks bad- she isn't really risking enough to do so. But to show such restraint, such a neutral color pallete, such a carefully planned and trendy-- without one stop at Forever 21 (Back in my day, we went to Wet Seal, only it was called Contempo Casuals, the best name ever, and we called it "Contrampo") is just wrong. Miia, only four years ago, you were ten. You have your entire life to dress like Charlotte Gainsbourg and wear gray sweaters over black pants or whatevs. Also, you announce that you like "unconventional combinations like high-waisted shorts with romantic, delicate shirts" but that's not unconventional! Hipsters wear high-waisted shorts with everything these days, especially delicate shirts. As pointed out in a previous post, even Rhianna wears high-waisted and has that hat, so let's not pretend you don't get your fashion inspiration from Nylon/various twenty-eight year olds/The Sartoralist.

So, by contrast, I bring you Juulia, also 14 (As mentioned previously, everyone on Hel Looks appears about ten years older, on average, than their purported age, Miia and Juulia included, but let's say they really are 14 are Ulla is only 26, Tomi is only 16, and Jani is only 25- and straight) Juulia looks liked I wished--or perhaps now wish-- I could have looked in high school, or maybe how I thought I looked, but anyway. The point is, she looks kind of trashy and 80's and punk and has huge hair and is even rocking the forbidden leggings as pants, but she looks amazing, in a Plasmatics/drag queen/brown cowboy boots paired with checkerboard print kind of way.

Juulia, like Miia, looks kind of too perfect to 14, but she looks perfect in a much more awesome, risky, and strange way. She says, "I like to wear jewellery and a big hairdo. My style role models are Madonna in the 80's, Joan Jett and Mötley Crüe." Now these are high school role models I can get behind. If you don't want to look like Joan Jett in high school, at least a little bit, then you have no soul.

Actually, I used to have this (alright, it's still there) photo of Joan Jett wearing, like, a purple leather jacket and mega eyeliner singing stuck to the mirror in my room, and once my friend Emily put on eyeliner using Joan as inspiration, and everyone was like, "You look like Joan Jett!" to her. And by everyone, I mean our small group of friends.

So though we are not all fourteen any longer, and shouldn't pretend we are so that we can wear purple knee socks with green striped tights and dye our pigtails blue, we should all remember that even if we are in our twenties we still have plenty of time to wear black cardigans and tan scarves and look appropriate.

:(

When I saw this picture of Lily Allen, I thought, "Another one bites the dust." (That is corny, but I did think it.) I know there are plenty of blogs discussing weight in Hollywood, but whatever. It's depressing. I mean, I never really liked Lily Allen or anything, but I was like, "At least she has unique personal style and is mouthy and writes her own music and has a normal body," which is far more than we can say for most female musicians.

Anyway, even though she was often quoted as saying she had issues about her body since becoming famous, and saying alternately that she liked herself the way she was and didn't care about fascist beauty standards and all, now that she is significantly thinner she's all, "I did it for me! I never felt pressured! Now I'm healthy." Apparently she also wants to become an actress so we'll see if a blonde weave and spray tan are also on their way too.

So, without fail, anyone who does not fall within a particular standard gets made fun of and loses a bunch of weight, and then In Touch is like, "But now she's too thin!" and then maybe they gain a little back and In Touch is like, "Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, who does not treat her, says Kelly Clarkson is too fat again, and 'a friend' estimates she eats fifteen cheeseburgers for breakfast" and it's all a vicious cycle!

When model Sophie Dahl became famous (as well as semi-embraced by the fashion industry), it was a real breath of fresh air. She probably gets more work now.

Hillary Duff during her overly made-up, Peaches Christ stage looked a lot healthier than during her lank, Rachael Zoe/Urban Outfitters, skeletor phase.

I'm not sure why, but I find Angelina Jolie, really, really boring. The only time I've found her attractive was when she had that weird bowl cut/an amazing "cyber" wardrobe in Hackers, and maybe (also pre-nose job) in Foxfire because it is about a girl gang and all, but the point is that she seems to have lost a bit of something besides like fifty pounds.

Okay, I know nobody cares about Laura Prepon from That 70's Show but she used to be really pretty and unique looking! I can't believe even red hair is too crazy for Hollywood!

Alright, no explanation needed for this one.

When Ashlee became popular and had that show on MTV, for some reason Simone and I became obsessed with her. We used to sing her terrible single "Pieces of Me" all the time and her show was totally amazing. Her whole thing was that she was different and rebellious and she did "crazy" things like dye her hair black and get a cartilage piercing and then of course she got a nose job and lost hella weight and it was the only the veneer that was keeping things interesting and you're like, "Who are her fans now?"

Liv Tyler has been looking a lot less statuesque lately.

And then of course Lindsay Lohan, who also used to be pretty curvaceous and had red hair and now pretty much looks like everyone else. Simone and I also used to love Lindsay, though her album Speak was no Autobiography by Ashlee, but still, she seemed kind of likable during Mean Girls but it's all over now!

Anyway, I don't think any of these people were particularly fascinating as performers, artists, or human beings, but the fact that it's pretty much impossible for anyone to stay marginally unique or different looking in Hollywood just isn't sending a very good message to both little girls everywhere and about our society as a whole. There's just so little variety in fame, and it does seem like we're moving farther and farther culturally from a time when Katherine Hepburn was a big star or Patti Smith got a major-label recording contract or whatever. I mean, I know Hannah Montana has fucked-up teeth but somehow I don't think that's enough.

Photos of Inspiration

Welcome to my new feature, titled "Photos of Inspiration." Basically I just post some of the nine million photos stored on my computer. The first and last are of Victorian albinos. I don't know anything about the middle one, though obviously it looks like a children's book.

How Not to Wear High-Waisted Jeans

For awhile, I have kind of wanted a high-waisted pair of jeans, to wear in a 1970s /Dazed and Confused kind of way (For some reason I've been really into the 70's lately.) However, I'm not really sure if I could pull them off, or if having hips will make them look awful and awkward, or whatevs. I do know they would have to be a dark wash with a slightly wide flared leg to balance them out. I also have vague plans to try on a pair as a blog experiment and take a picture in the mirror of a dressing room.

Well, Rhianna is wearing a pair of high-waisted pair of jeans on the always relevant TRL to the left, and man are they fugly. Why not just get a pair of acid washed Levis from 1991 then buy these probably $250 ones? So unflattering, and I can only imagine the back view. Plus that weirdo tube top/beanie hat combination looks really awkward. This is one of those outfits where some retarded stylist probably dressed her up and Rhianna was just like, "Okay!" because let's be honest, what does Rhianna ever do but follow orders? It's not like she writes her own music or anything. And that boxy, double-breasted dress-thing that the veejay (are they still called that?) is wearing's no picnic, either.