When Not Wearing a Huge Bow Underneath Your Boobs Isn't Enough

You know when you put on those oversized Jackie O sunglasses, and the black satin opera length gloves with the ring and the evening bag, and you've added some black tights and expensive, ugly shoes that look like they could kill a man (but not in a good way) and then, finally, you've put on that baggy denim-look parachute-esque but also satin trench thing to wear as a mini dress?

I mean, I know all about these things, but after I've put them all on, I know something crucial is missing from my outfit- a huge black bow belt to top it all off! No, not at my natural waistline, or even the drop-waist created by that mess of a jacket, but right under my boobs! Yes- perfection! I could gaze in the mirror all day, looking like discarded wrapping paper from a fancy party for people with bad taste, all stuffed into a trash can.

How to Dress like a Fictional 13-year old from 1992

Mary Anne Spier was always the shyest babysitter, and her weird father always picked out clothes for her and thusly forced her to wear pleated skirts and braids and loafers and bobby socks all the time, which was supposed to be old-fashioned and preppy but really just seemed creepy.

But in one book, Mary Anne broke loose and got a sassy short haircut and started wearing oversized shirts and leggings in wild shades like lavender, and the rest if the BSC was really mean to her because she wasn't a dork anymore or something, even though the BSC was supposed to be about empowerment.

My point is that this girl is Mary Anne. And that everything she's wearing is very bad. Particularly that plaid sweater.

How to look Like Someone You Would Avoid on the Bus

I had saved the above picture awhile ago, not just because the model looked like she should be raving on a street corner with track marks on her arms, but because the top (probably Chloe or something) was the ultimate in blousy, sacky, unflattering fug. (In fact, it looks a lot like the "dress" in the post below.) I especially like how it shows off her bony, concave sternum- it's like looking at the underside of a sting ray! Anyway, then the same top showed up again, on a real, live (though rather dead looking) human being.

I've already criticized Kirsten Dunst for wearing floppy gray things and going (unsuccessfully) braless, but I would have hoped she would avoid the whole "meth addict chic" aura that surrounds this charming ad campaign. However, I was wrong. She totally went with that, and raised me a jean jacket. My goodness, are these images horrifying. Not unlike the idea that actual money- several hundreds, I imagine- of actual dollars, was spent on this top, soon after someone actually selected it as a good thing to buy, and eventually- the worst crime of all, perhaps- putting it on their person.

The World is her Gynocologist

Ohmygod! Not a week ago I criticized this skank in this post for wearing a belted blousy tank top and nothing more. Apparently, she was too beautiful and well-dressed for just one street style blog, because now she has showed up on The Sartorialist. I'm sorry, but those who are showering accolades upon this look are sheep- sheep, I tell you! Here I am, walking around in truly beautiful clothing, and no one has ever taken my photo for a street style blog, and this girl gets her photo taken twice! Twice! Not that I'm jealous or anything. "Miffed" would probably be the correct word.

Definitely not an Alaia

I know I said I kind of had a thing for jumpers, in a certain context, but let me tell you: this ain't it. The Tyler Argyle jumper, with its psuedo-primary color scheme and loose fit, is really infantilizing. It's basically a floppy tube, made out of the crappiest/grossest feeling of all materials, polyester-spandex. Ugh. and the pattern is so Cher Horowitz it's not to be believed. Can you imagine an adult walking around in this? On the plus side, I think the model is real cute.

Aesthetics, or Why Is Everything So Ugly?

Today, there are few things uglier, or more wasteful, than the appliance. Everything is encased in dull gray plastic, and even when brand-new can't be expected to last very long. Things are made to break, to be disposable, and once they are disposed of, they sit in a landfill, never decomposing and looking ugly and plastic and leeching into groundwater forever. However, this wasn't always the case!

Until not so very long ago, things like household appliances were made not only to be beautiful and well-designed, but to last. Instead of making something that would break and then be replaced, it was assumed that things would wear well and be repaired if broken. (Today, it's the opposite- it's almost never worth it to get something fixed, when you can just buy a new one.)

This is the case with numerous old things- clothing, automobiles, furniture, and more. But it particularly struck me in regards to appliances simply because today they really are so cheaply made and unbearable to look at. Look at the hearing aid to the left, as streamlined as a 1930's tuxedo- or the wooden radio up top, with its cleverly designed deco-esque speakers and warm wooden finish, or the truly gorgeous green portable typewriter- today I try to hide my radio out of sight, but these things were designed to sit on a shelf and look just as beautiful as anything purely decorative. It looks like someone put time and care into creating then, not as if they just came out of the same mold as everything else.

More than anything, I find this disposable phenomenon depressing. One might hope, with the current "green" fad and new focus on environmentalism, things might change. Personally, I just feel sad that this attention to detail and aesthetics has gone by the wayside, creating a throwaway economy that will leave behind a pile of ugly plastic garbage.

How'd you Like to Join the Big Top?

Remember, during PE, there used to be that activity where they got out a giant parachute and you were supposed to run around under it and on top of it and and it was the funnest PE activity ever, way funner than being forced to run a mile or getting hit in the head with an "ultimate" Frisbee? How about recreating that parachute in dress form, only in white? What if it made you look if as if you had flipper arms? Then I'd say yes.