So Very Far Away

Dear Readers, I was going to post a naked picture of Prince or something to go with this post, but I'm on a Mac and don't know how to save things, so I am not going to. Anyway, I'm on vacay and can't post but I will soon. Love, your proprietor

The Little Tramp, but Not in the Lindsay Lohan Type of Way

Whenever people post photos of inspirational outfits, it's always seems to be of lank girls clad in gray and skinny jeans, or of Mary Kate, perhaps the original lank girl in clad in gray and skinny jeans (though for awhile she was doing this sort of whacked out/goth/Stevie Nicks thing that I sometimes found kind of endearingly over-the-top.) Why does inspiration for people who are "into clothes" always seem to come from things that are already trendy?

Anyway, I recently saw Charlie Chaplin's City Lights, a movie filmed in 1931. While I usually love the women's clothing in these movies (and it was indeed adorable), I also kind of felt the urge to dress like Chaplin in his tramp persona, with his fitted plaid waistcoat, baggy pants, too-tight cutaway jacket, and little cravat. (Plus the thick black eyeliner that men always wore in old movies! With a three piece suit, no less!) I love how everything looked battered but went together so well and fit in such a specific way- and there's something so crumbling and dandyish about this look, which I love. Not to be all

"derelicte"/upper middle class, but come on, even the homeless used to have a better sense of aesthetics.

Admittedly, I don't think I could pull off this look, and think my general fear of vests won't help, but I did remember I'd saved some awesome pictures of Shalom Harlow in a Chaplin-inspired photoshoot. She looks a lot awesomer than if she were wearing a saggy American Apparel t-shirt and those oversized glasses everyone has that fill me with rage, you know?

When Not Wearing a Huge Bow Underneath Your Boobs Isn't Enough

You know when you put on those oversized Jackie O sunglasses, and the black satin opera length gloves with the ring and the evening bag, and you've added some black tights and expensive, ugly shoes that look like they could kill a man (but not in a good way) and then, finally, you've put on that baggy denim-look parachute-esque but also satin trench thing to wear as a mini dress?

I mean, I know all about these things, but after I've put them all on, I know something crucial is missing from my outfit- a huge black bow belt to top it all off! No, not at my natural waistline, or even the drop-waist created by that mess of a jacket, but right under my boobs! Yes- perfection! I could gaze in the mirror all day, looking like discarded wrapping paper from a fancy party for people with bad taste, all stuffed into a trash can.

How to Dress like a Fictional 13-year old from 1992

Mary Anne Spier was always the shyest babysitter, and her weird father always picked out clothes for her and thusly forced her to wear pleated skirts and braids and loafers and bobby socks all the time, which was supposed to be old-fashioned and preppy but really just seemed creepy.

But in one book, Mary Anne broke loose and got a sassy short haircut and started wearing oversized shirts and leggings in wild shades like lavender, and the rest if the BSC was really mean to her because she wasn't a dork anymore or something, even though the BSC was supposed to be about empowerment.

My point is that this girl is Mary Anne. And that everything she's wearing is very bad. Particularly that plaid sweater.

How to look Like Someone You Would Avoid on the Bus

I had saved the above picture awhile ago, not just because the model looked like she should be raving on a street corner with track marks on her arms, but because the top (probably Chloe or something) was the ultimate in blousy, sacky, unflattering fug. (In fact, it looks a lot like the "dress" in the post below.) I especially like how it shows off her bony, concave sternum- it's like looking at the underside of a sting ray! Anyway, then the same top showed up again, on a real, live (though rather dead looking) human being.

I've already criticized Kirsten Dunst for wearing floppy gray things and going (unsuccessfully) braless, but I would have hoped she would avoid the whole "meth addict chic" aura that surrounds this charming ad campaign. However, I was wrong. She totally went with that, and raised me a jean jacket. My goodness, are these images horrifying. Not unlike the idea that actual money- several hundreds, I imagine- of actual dollars, was spent on this top, soon after someone actually selected it as a good thing to buy, and eventually- the worst crime of all, perhaps- putting it on their person.

The World is her Gynocologist

Ohmygod! Not a week ago I criticized this skank in this post for wearing a belted blousy tank top and nothing more. Apparently, she was too beautiful and well-dressed for just one street style blog, because now she has showed up on The Sartorialist. I'm sorry, but those who are showering accolades upon this look are sheep- sheep, I tell you! Here I am, walking around in truly beautiful clothing, and no one has ever taken my photo for a street style blog, and this girl gets her photo taken twice! Twice! Not that I'm jealous or anything. "Miffed" would probably be the correct word.

Definitely not an Alaia

I know I said I kind of had a thing for jumpers, in a certain context, but let me tell you: this ain't it. The Tyler Argyle jumper, with its psuedo-primary color scheme and loose fit, is really infantilizing. It's basically a floppy tube, made out of the crappiest/grossest feeling of all materials, polyester-spandex. Ugh. and the pattern is so Cher Horowitz it's not to be believed. Can you imagine an adult walking around in this? On the plus side, I think the model is real cute.