Why Neutrals Are Called "Neutral" and Other Lessons

Now when I look back on my outfits from high school, I'm kind of filled with shame. I mean, I can understand the thoughts (I hate school/my teachers /advertisements /"the man"/everyone in every single one of my classes/The Backstreet Boys [Yeah, it seems funny now, but they were actually really popular]/The Paul Frank monkey) and inspiration (David Bowie/ glam rock/ Nancy Spungen/ 1960's "scooter girls"/ some sort of vague riot grrrl thing) behind them, as well as the urge to look extremely different from my Gap-clad classmates, but I guess something was lacking in the execution. I didn't look good with a very short haircut courtesy of my friend while watching Empire Records, or turquoise blue hair (Punky Colors over Manic Panic/Special Effects, okay?), or fishnet shirts (for layering!)

When I discuss my terrible outfits circa 2000 with my friends, they are like, "Well, it was the best we could do at the time/I totally thought you looked awesome/were courageous for wearing that hot pink children's tutu." And this is true. We didn't have a lot to work with, and we were sixteen. We were supposed to be dying our hair magenta and painting our nails black and layering oddly and sneering at everyone and writing our angst on our Converse in Sharpie. To do any less would have been, you know, conforming.

So that's why I find Miia (the one on the top) kind of weird. I mean, yeah, no one could say she looks bad- she isn't really risking enough to do so. But to show such restraint, such a neutral color pallete, such a carefully planned and trendy-- without one stop at Forever 21 (Back in my day, we went to Wet Seal, only it was called Contempo Casuals, the best name ever, and we called it "Contrampo") is just wrong. Miia, only four years ago, you were ten. You have your entire life to dress like Charlotte Gainsbourg and wear gray sweaters over black pants or whatevs. Also, you announce that you like "unconventional combinations like high-waisted shorts with romantic, delicate shirts" but that's not unconventional! Hipsters wear high-waisted shorts with everything these days, especially delicate shirts. As pointed out in a previous post, even Rhianna wears high-waisted and has that hat, so let's not pretend you don't get your fashion inspiration from Nylon/various twenty-eight year olds/The Sartoralist.

So, by contrast, I bring you Juulia, also 14 (As mentioned previously, everyone on Hel Looks appears about ten years older, on average, than their purported age, Miia and Juulia included, but let's say they really are 14 are Ulla is only 26, Tomi is only 16, and Jani is only 25- and straight) Juulia looks liked I wished--or perhaps now wish-- I could have looked in high school, or maybe how I thought I looked, but anyway. The point is, she looks kind of trashy and 80's and punk and has huge hair and is even rocking the forbidden leggings as pants, but she looks amazing, in a Plasmatics/drag queen/brown cowboy boots paired with checkerboard print kind of way.

Juulia, like Miia, looks kind of too perfect to 14, but she looks perfect in a much more awesome, risky, and strange way. She says, "I like to wear jewellery and a big hairdo. My style role models are Madonna in the 80's, Joan Jett and Mötley Crüe." Now these are high school role models I can get behind. If you don't want to look like Joan Jett in high school, at least a little bit, then you have no soul.

Actually, I used to have this (alright, it's still there) photo of Joan Jett wearing, like, a purple leather jacket and mega eyeliner singing stuck to the mirror in my room, and once my friend Emily put on eyeliner using Joan as inspiration, and everyone was like, "You look like Joan Jett!" to her. And by everyone, I mean our small group of friends.

So though we are not all fourteen any longer, and shouldn't pretend we are so that we can wear purple knee socks with green striped tights and dye our pigtails blue, we should all remember that even if we are in our twenties we still have plenty of time to wear black cardigans and tan scarves and look appropriate.