Trendspotting: Boxy Frumpy Fur Coat

In some ways, I'm glad the strong shoulder is back. There is a certain 1940's vampy powerfulness to the strong shoulder. Alternately, there is a certain 80's boxy frump to it as well, particulalry because 80's shoulderpads don't have a very defined shape and look more linebackery than not. Anyway, I guess the time is now to wear an ugly 80's fur coat. Don't they all look like they're having fun?

PS: Topknot optional.

PPS: I'll let you in on a fresh little secret: Rolling up a pair of baggy pleated pants! It's a whole new look!

Hel Looks: Jan and Vesa Wear Harem Pants for Their Own Reasons

Not to be xenophobic, but this, right here, is why Americans think they hate Europeans. Do these guys know they are a walking stereotype? Their names are Jan and Vesa. Jan says: "Martina Aitolehti and Heidi Montag inspire me now." As for Vesa, "Fashion doesn't inspire me at the moment. Sports and keeping fit do!" I guess Martina Aiteolehti is like a a Finnish Heidi Montag. It's curious they're proclaming that these women/subjects inspire them when clearly, what they're inspired by is this guy. What is with these fashion victims trying to take this anti-fashion tone? At least embrace it! You're just making it all the more pointless!

How Guys Should Not Dress

I've been a pretty terrible blogger lately- but I've been working a lot so I don't always have the energy to make fun of stuff. (However, in a short burst of energy I actually did recently make an "iMovie" that will soon be posted here! Stay tuned!)

But here's a trend I'd like to see die! Guys, particularly fashion gays, wearing huge jackets and legging-like pants, particularly with some kind of bowl cut on top.


Let's start with Hannu, 22 . He likes "light blue jeans and shoulder paddings but the shorts are the best." Hannu's actually maintained this hairdo for a year, which is a style that didn't really work for the Beatles but really doesn't work if you're pairing it with a deep v (shudder) and some gross old 80's child molester jacket. Speaking of child molesters, have I mentioned that hairdo?


This is Joona, 18, in the avante-garde gay uniform du jour. He says that "homeless people with their ragged and oversize clothes inspire my style," which is always a creative/culturally sensitive answer. Also the fact that everyone on earth now has a bowler hat for some reason has managed to influence his style.


Ohmygod. Jesus christ. Jussi, the guy on the left, looks exactly like the guys in my high school who wore trench coats and mirrored wraparounds and read graphic novels and played World of Warcraft. The only difference is that he's doing it for avant-garde reasons, and his clothes are designer. More to the point, they fit really, really bad. All these tight pants on guys are not even good, solid, tight pants, they're all wrinkly and gross, and the oversized blouse is giving him man-boobs. Then we have his ladyfriend, in the lady version of this outfit. I'm not sure if if I've mentioned it here, but it's time to give wet look leggings a rest. Really. Right now. Stop wearing them. Pull them out again in 2011 and just see how they feel.


This is more just another example of these BADLY FITTING "tight" pants guys are wearing nowadays. These weird, saggy leggings just emphasize that, as a guy, you probably have no ass, or at least one small enough to make it look like you have no ass if you wear these terrible pants. Not hot!!! Also, this is not a even a fashiony look. All those skater boys who dress like they are seven even though they are 22 also wear these pants.



Here are some more. The guy in the bowler jacket has gone with the fugly 80's jacket option to add volume, while the other guy in the bowler hat is just wearing a long whiteoversized turtleneck sweater, like we all did in 1989.



In conclusion, this look really looks good on on no one. But it really, really doesn't look good on guys because they already usually have larger upper halves and smaller legs, so this sillouhette just makes them look perched on gross little spindly ostrich legs. Also, everyone is too chic to wear anything besides beige, as usual.

Coming soon:

Harem pants: Sexy on ladies but- Even SEXIER on guys?

Time to Do the Man Pants*

Whenever a catalog or whatever tries to sell women something oversized, they always call it "the boyfriend cardigan" or "boyfriend jean" so it's like, "Hey, ladies, there's nothing butch about it! You just borrowed it over the course of your heterosexual relationship!"

Personally, I am all for androgyny in dressing, (not that it's something I personally feel I can pull off) but, of course, only if it's done right. Important things to consider: cut, fit, fabric, amount of tapering. If rarely works to just wear something that was made to fit baggily on someone larger than you, no matter how dominatrixy the other items you pair it with. Case in point: the look above. Even if you pair it with the ever-so hot Chanelish mom purse already harped upon, and a pair of patent leather shoes, and -gasp- a bodysuit, you are still wearing Jerry Seinfeld's jeans. And that's not flattering, to woman, man, or anyone in between.


Here's another lady, this one claiming to actually be wearing her boyfriend's pants. Well, I hope she didn't buy them for herself, because the fit on them is terrible, and the crotch is a saggy mess. Again with the Chanel bag, and this when went for that whole "contrasts" thing that is so hot right now, wearing a polished, ladylike look on top and trying to even it out with some khakis. Ugh. I feel like people are literally afraid to step out of the house looking elegant/polished, so everyone needs to add cut-offs so they don't look like they're trying so hard. It's tiresome!

Here's another one, this time from hated The Sartorialist blog. She is French, and you know how people love to talk about how great French/European taste is, even though you if have ever been to Europe you know that's not true. Or, if you have ever seen a European tourist walking around in socks and sports sandals and a soccer jersey, you also know this is not true. Or, if you consider the ongoing popularity of techno, you know it's not true. But Vogue and stuff is always being like, "Oh, the French girls, they are so effortless and lank and they wear beige and do not brush their hair, they have the je ne sais quas we bourgeois Americans can only hope for." Anyway, this girl falls into that French girl category, but she also fits in to the clicheed items category- ooh, a bowler-esque hat! A blazer with a crest! A plaid button-down shirt! Ugly tapered man-pants! I don't need to go to Paris to see this shit, I can find it all at Urban Outfitters.

I almost don't want to criticize this one, because at least she's going for full-scale androgyny and not sexy androgyny, but it's still real bad. If you want to obscure the female form and all, you don't have to do it by wearing baggy, ill-fitting things that make you look like an 80's gnome. Try a well-structured jacket with a strong shoulder or a nice crisp pair of pants or something. What's the point of trying to look menswearish if you're just going to look like Don Johnson? How about James Spader in Pretty in Pink as an 80's style icon instead?
Who else feels that she should have skipped the annoying Duckie, skipped the "I would only be considered attractive for a short period in 1985" Blaine, and just gone straight for James Spader, clearly the hottest one? (Though, technically, she should have said "See ya!" to all the guys in that movie and headed off to art school, but we all know John Hughes liked to keep the womenfolk down.)


Here's another one with a pair of baggy, tapered jeans. God, the way she has them rolled up over those Big Ugly Shoes just kills me. I just find that shape so weird and wrong. And again, it's that whole "contrast" thing where it's supposed to look good because it's paired with things that don't match, but, really, it just doesn't match.

Anyway, I think I've posted this photo of Katherine Hepburn before, but I'd just like to emphasize that what is traditionally called menswear can look great on women, and women should not be afraid to go for this look of they want. But part of what makes men's clothing different from women's is the added structure, which you're just not going to get from any old tapered pant that you bought yesterday because you saw someone else wearing them, dudes. Secondly, a huge, puffy pair of 501s, even paired with Chloe knock-offs and a bustier, make you look like a squat little gnome, albeit one who's devoted to the early 90's. It seems like so many people are adopting this trend because it's supposed to be so unexpected, and besides the fact that that doesn't make up for it being ugly, soon we really will be sick of looking at it.

*Clearly, the title of this post is a reference to a That Petrol Emotion song. Clearly.

Hel Looks: Leggings as Pants

On Hel Looks, there's been a terrible leggings-as-pants outbreak, as well as a bit too much of that "doth protest too much" attitude. Let's take a closer look!
I guess Bjørt, 21, saw MK's outfit in the post below and decided to get on that. She's also added one of those mom bags I dislike, proclaiming her "favourite outfit is high-waisted pants or shorts with a loose top." Bjørt is boring, man. I would have never taken her picture.

Ida is only 19, and she is "wearing similarly coloured leggings and stockings on top of each other and second hand men's jacket." More accurately, she is tucking her shirt into her leggings. She is wearing spandex stretch lace leggings and tucking a t-shirt into them. If that is not a fashion crime, I do not know what is. Apparently she loves " like over-the-top things like crazy patterns, lace, shoulder pads and too long or too big clothes." Um, do you mean 80's clothes/What happens to be popular right now? Quirky!



Nora, who is only 23, says "My brother forced me to wear this shirt tonight...I think wearing leggings is out, except the ones with superugly patterns!" I am so sick of hipsters being like, "Oh, I chose this because it is so ugly!" You didn't choose it because it was ugly, you chose it because it was trendy. When everyone's clothes are "ugly" in the same unique way, then they are just popular. As we know, there is no true ugliness in hipster clothing anymore. And unless she was held at gunpoint, there is no real excuse for that jewel toned shoulder-padded blouse. Also, I don't support ever wearing this look, but if you are, at least add some Grace Jones hair or green false eyelashes. That wispy mullet and makeup-less face looks like Kristy McNichol's head pasted on Cher's body. Or something. It's disturbing.


Mariana, 27, says, "I don't wear labels, only second hand. This is one of my 20 euro outfits. I don't like to look like everyone else. I really like the 80's. Although I work as a stylist, I hate fashion." No, you don't. You don't wear an outfit this aggressively ugly and also hate fashion. You just can't put on any liquid/crushed velvet sequined batwing top and any pair of silver leggings with those trendy Wayfarer-esque cheap plastic sunglasses they give away for free, and pretend you just have a "whatever" attitude about the whole thing, even if you did mistakenly (I guess, if it even matters) pair it with old brown cowboy boots.

Why Neutrals Are Called "Neutral" and Other Lessons

Now when I look back on my outfits from high school, I'm kind of filled with shame. I mean, I can understand the thoughts (I hate school/my teachers /advertisements /"the man"/everyone in every single one of my classes/The Backstreet Boys [Yeah, it seems funny now, but they were actually really popular]/The Paul Frank monkey) and inspiration (David Bowie/ glam rock/ Nancy Spungen/ 1960's "scooter girls"/ some sort of vague riot grrrl thing) behind them, as well as the urge to look extremely different from my Gap-clad classmates, but I guess something was lacking in the execution. I didn't look good with a very short haircut courtesy of my friend while watching Empire Records, or turquoise blue hair (Punky Colors over Manic Panic/Special Effects, okay?), or fishnet shirts (for layering!)

When I discuss my terrible outfits circa 2000 with my friends, they are like, "Well, it was the best we could do at the time/I totally thought you looked awesome/were courageous for wearing that hot pink children's tutu." And this is true. We didn't have a lot to work with, and we were sixteen. We were supposed to be dying our hair magenta and painting our nails black and layering oddly and sneering at everyone and writing our angst on our Converse in Sharpie. To do any less would have been, you know, conforming.

So that's why I find Miia (the one on the top) kind of weird. I mean, yeah, no one could say she looks bad- she isn't really risking enough to do so. But to show such restraint, such a neutral color pallete, such a carefully planned and trendy-- without one stop at Forever 21 (Back in my day, we went to Wet Seal, only it was called Contempo Casuals, the best name ever, and we called it "Contrampo") is just wrong. Miia, only four years ago, you were ten. You have your entire life to dress like Charlotte Gainsbourg and wear gray sweaters over black pants or whatevs. Also, you announce that you like "unconventional combinations like high-waisted shorts with romantic, delicate shirts" but that's not unconventional! Hipsters wear high-waisted shorts with everything these days, especially delicate shirts. As pointed out in a previous post, even Rhianna wears high-waisted and has that hat, so let's not pretend you don't get your fashion inspiration from Nylon/various twenty-eight year olds/The Sartoralist.

So, by contrast, I bring you Juulia, also 14 (As mentioned previously, everyone on Hel Looks appears about ten years older, on average, than their purported age, Miia and Juulia included, but let's say they really are 14 are Ulla is only 26, Tomi is only 16, and Jani is only 25- and straight) Juulia looks liked I wished--or perhaps now wish-- I could have looked in high school, or maybe how I thought I looked, but anyway. The point is, she looks kind of trashy and 80's and punk and has huge hair and is even rocking the forbidden leggings as pants, but she looks amazing, in a Plasmatics/drag queen/brown cowboy boots paired with checkerboard print kind of way.

Juulia, like Miia, looks kind of too perfect to 14, but she looks perfect in a much more awesome, risky, and strange way. She says, "I like to wear jewellery and a big hairdo. My style role models are Madonna in the 80's, Joan Jett and Mötley Crüe." Now these are high school role models I can get behind. If you don't want to look like Joan Jett in high school, at least a little bit, then you have no soul.

Actually, I used to have this (alright, it's still there) photo of Joan Jett wearing, like, a purple leather jacket and mega eyeliner singing stuck to the mirror in my room, and once my friend Emily put on eyeliner using Joan as inspiration, and everyone was like, "You look like Joan Jett!" to her. And by everyone, I mean our small group of friends.

So though we are not all fourteen any longer, and shouldn't pretend we are so that we can wear purple knee socks with green striped tights and dye our pigtails blue, we should all remember that even if we are in our twenties we still have plenty of time to wear black cardigans and tan scarves and look appropriate.

Hel Looks: Fanny Pack Attack

I remember, in eighth grade, circa maybe '97, my friend and I had a portentous discussion about fashion whilst sitting on the schoolyard.
"Do you realize that everything comes back in fashion?"
"So the 80's are going to come back." [Note: This seemed so impossible at the time that I didn't quite believe it.]
"Like acid wash!"
"And those sweaters with geometric designs on them!"
Then we just sat there in horror, thinking about it, even though we were probably both wearing huge jeans and ringer t-shirts and ball chain necklaces.

The thing about certain clothing coming back in style is that it's not going to happen on its own. Batwing blouses don't come creeping out of thrift stores to land, blousily, upon the backs of hipsters. No, people choose to embrace these clothing, picking out acid wash denim tunics and multicolored nylon windbreakers as if they were ripe fruit. Emilia, 28, then, is certainly old enough to remember the 80s with the same horror, but instead of learning from these mistakes, she has embraced them, accessorizing her baggy tunic with something I have unfortunately had to make a new label for: the fanny pack.

What's really sad is that the '90's are are already coming back, so don't be surprised if the hipsters of tomorrow are sitting around in wide-leg jeans and baby ringer tees, talking about how they admire the style of Bush's Gavin Rossdale and talking about, I don't know, the Lemonheads or something.

Miika and Waltsu and Their Psychedelic Nu Rave Rainbow

Boy, do these guys look like fun! All aboard the Nu Rave train! Next stop, some Swedish store that sells neon orange, green, pink, black and blue razzmatazzberry track jackets that look like the ones you wore as a kid but cost ten times as much! Hey, how about adding some brightly colored Ray Ban wayfarers knockoffs? I know those banana colored pants are working for you, but how have you considered something more brightly colored or patterned?

Oh, Waltsu, you're such a cut-up when you say "I try to look as gothic as possible. Do I succeed?" I can see your entire psyche is infused with such irony, and boy, is that successful!

Hel Looks: Whatta Bargain

Sebastian, 17, is really proud of his jacket, which he got in Estonia for fifteen cents. Well, let me tell you something, Sebastian: that jacket looks like an Estonian sold it to you for fifteen cents. It has "Former Soviet Block" written all over it, and I for one, would not wear it if paid far more than that.


How can these loudly colored, early 90's nylon windbreakers have become popular? Paired with a fashion mullet, hideous yellow 80's shades, tight pants that accentuate his oh-s- voluptuous frame, and what appears to be some kind of purse, he doesn't look so much fashionable as he does like an actual Estonian youth from 1992, one who is just catching on the trends of the American 80's. Did he also find a broken Right Said Fred cassette tape in Estonia and rush back to Sweden to tell his friends he only paid $5 for it? Because it probably would have been a better deal.

Hel Looks: Sofia

To the untrained eye, Sofia's blouse may look like a bunch of third graders embellished a silk Goodwill shirt, but all non-peasants would recognize it as the "most exclusive gift" Sofia has ever received. I mean- duh! You can't find lace trim and primary-colored balls just anywhere!

Anyway, the top is hideous on its own, but then your eyes are drawn to the random belting going on, in the form of a huge elastic red waist belt that takes up half her midsection. (Supposedly, the belt over the blouse look is on its way out, but it's obviously not dead yet.) And in case all that wasn't enough, there's always a pair of shiny blue legging-looking pants to cuff above your socks and pumps combo. And why not top it off with a swingy leather purse? Those aren't really ugly/just old enough for hipsters to start wearing ironically again or anything.

In her interview, Sofia says she likes "simple clothes." I guess by "simple" she means "like what everybody wears, but more shiny and clown-like."

Hel Looks: Our Friend Sasu

Sasu, who is inspired by "90's Rave and Gortex shoes" (Do you know how many times I've heard 90's rave being cited by fashion-y people as a source of inspiration? More than zero times, which is way too many.) is one of those people who I'd point out to, like, my mom and be all, "Ugh! Hipster fashion!" and she'd say, "Him? But he looks homeless!"

I think he looks more like an early 90's punk crossed with Micheal Jackson crossed with someone who steals the souls of children in an Alabama barn, but the point is, it's not good. Is Sasu, who is only supposed to be 24, really going to look back in this outfit and think, "I'm glad I tucked those tapered plaid leggings into my white Reeboks?" Or, perhaps, "That baby blue and black leather short-sleeved jacket with the sweaty backwards white baseball cap- it took my look to the next level."

What's so curious to me is the fact that his shoes are Raf Simons and shirts are Comme des Garcons, meaning they cost upwards of $200, if not upwards of $500, but he still has the head of someone who slept last night in the bus station.

Hel Looks: Mimosa

Here on our right we have Mimosa, another Hel Looks pick. Mimosa looks like how I imagine trashy Russian girls at my school must have dressed in the 80's. Instead of wearing skin-tight t-shirts with strategic cut-outs and the Bebe logo in rhinestones, they would have gone for a more Dynasty/big hair/faux Chanel/white purse thing.

According to the interview, Mimosa (if that's a given name, clearly you will turn out to be either a hipster or an exotic dancer, so I guess she went with the more socially acceptable choice) who is 18, confesses that she thinks "her style "is classic and feminine" and that "Kate Moss and Sienna Miller have a great style." I'm not a huge fan of either of those ladies, but Mimosa has really branched out from the typical Sienna clone. I mean, those are, if such a thing is possible, baggy white leggings. And that one highlight! What makes someone choose one highlight like that? She also says that loves "60's clothes like Chanel jacket with golden buttons" even though there is nothing remotely 60s looking about this getup.

Mimosa's look basically takes the 80's thing to the next level, so much so that though I know she is dressing in an ironic, hipstery way, she looks more like she has just blasted off twenty years into the future, a la Marty McFly, to arrive in the year 2007. Thus, all I can really only see her doing is driving around in the Camaro her father, Alexi the Mob Boss, bought for her, turning off the latest news about President Reagan and blasting the Bon Jovi and Sheena Easton she loves so much, on her way to look for a heavily shoulder-padded blazer from Contempo.

Hel Looks: Oh, the Jeans!

One of the striking things about Hel Looks is the jeans. People who are on the edge of fashion in the way that these people are simply cannot wear regular jeans, even though, in my mind, jeans are one of the few things that should remain pretty regular: no patterns, no "interesting" shapes, no strategic fading. But people like this are always proclaiming the skinny jean over, and the new, high-waisted, pleated, acid-washed jean the wave of the future for the next three months. And frankly, it disgusts me. Lets take a look!

To the layman, it might look like Tiia (above left), 36, simply doesn't know what kind of jeans are flattering or in style. But the rest of her stylish look, and her proclamation that she just bought these jeans, and that "They are great because they're baggy and light blue" confirms that no, these jeans are intentional. They remind me of when I made my dad go with me to Gap kids to get a new pair of jeans in sixth grade, and I chose this faded, baggy, tapered pair that I secretly knew were ugly even then, and I always blamed my dad for making me feel rushed because he couldn't handle the mall. Tiia's look screams to me, "Yes, they ARE ugly! That's the point!"

While Osku's, age 20, Pete Doherty/slam poet style is certainly debatable (as is his proclamation that "Embroidery is my future"), it is really his companion, Joona (age 18....everybody on this site looks literally ten years older than the age they are listed) who peaks my interest. I believe these types of mega-tapered, rather jodhpur-esque jeans are called "carrot tops" and they are pretty much the most unflattering shape possible. Do you long for the stumpiest, shortest looking legs one could have? This is a prime example of the fashionable quest for newness and novelty upending any notion of taste or looking good. But we can't blame Joona. She would make her own clothes, if she "just had time." She's a busy girl who spends all her time "on religious happenings." How un-chicly chic, not unlike the pools of saggy denim bagging around her ankles!

Hel Looks: Part One of a Series

Hel-Looks is a Helsinki-based website that features pics of Helsinki young people with unique street style. These types of sites have been very popular lately, and indeed, they are pretty addictive, even though often I feel something crucial to the "looks" of these trendsetters is avoided: they are huge, trendy hipsters.

However, if you've ever read a "Street Style" type interview, you know the number one rule of hipsters being interviewed about their taste is to avoid at all costs words such as "popular", "trendy", or "I picked out this rhinestone-studded t-shirt because self-conscious irony is all the rage these days." Instead they're all, "Well, my style is pretty random and crazy!" Nobody ever admits they're dressing in the look of about a million others, though that would be the truly unique thing to do.

Anyway, Hel-Looks does feature a range of fashions, from Japanese-style lolitas to people wearing Victorian frock coats, but they also feature quite a lot of persons such as the one above. And the accompanying interview never fails to be totally, totally pretentious. I don't know if things are lost in the European translation or what, but people are always like, "Nothing inspires me at the moment. Fashion is dead. My pants are by Comme des Garcons." Or, "What's hot right now? Sadness. Feelings and moods. And wearing ties around your ankles."

I like Vesa, age 25 (the guy above)'s explanation of his style: "Nu rave and renaissance, the time of Christopher Columbus and baggy shapes inspire me – but always with a touch of Nazi Germany to avoid a too clowny and buffoon look!" The truth is, I can kind of see where all those elements have come together to form this particular look. And, hey, if you need to throw in touches of Nazi Germany to keep your style from looking "too clowny", (Does he succeed? He does look like an evil raver Nazi clown from the not-too-distant future, no?) that clearly says something about the extremity of your style, now doesn't it? The leggings say, "I love my jammies" but the neon pink latex mask says, "Don't get too close."