Ugly UO: Shall It Never End?

What a steal, this "Palm Tree Printed Bianca Tunic" has been marked down to 7.99! I know I'm always talking about my dreams of dressing like a baby prostitute from 1982, but an item like this just kind of makes me face the sober reality of that particular situation. Maybe it wouldn't be all gold lamé hot pants and orange Candies and huge earrings. It could be as sad as this. And it's like really, boots? You're pairing boots with a long t-shirt that has palm trees on it? Okay, I guess.

You know, Delia's now has full pages of models in their underwear. And it's just like, I don't think the fourteen year olds who buy from Delia's and Urban need to see these images. They're nothing wrong with laying the lingerie on the ground and taking a picture of it like that. They don't need to see these jutting hipbones and protruding clavicles, okay? You've already made them feel bad enough about themselves with your bony, lank-ass models fully clothed.



And now back to these shorts, which, of course are polyester. These are so wide-legged (thighed?) that probably both the model's legs could fit into one of them. I'm really not against shorts in general, but these are so bulky and pleated they look like they should be paired with a raspberry, shoulder-padded blazer and wave bangs, Also, this is bordering on a formal short, a trend I thought was dead, but Urban seems to be clinging onto, with their cold, lifeless hands that are probably wearing ironic rings and whatnot.

This UO Artist Series Zip Up was originally a very overpriced $78. I guess what you are paying for is this gorgeous original artwork by LA-based artist Wil Lin, which looks a lot like the artwork I criticized recently, but more clothed. This is an example of when an artist and a designer "collaborate" which means the artist's designs are pasted on a sweatshirt. And seriously, why did they hire this dude when they could have just copied this exact drawing from the doodles on a twelve year old girl's math homework? (This is kind of a good idea for a clothing line, actually.)

These are called the Cheap Monday Jogging Pant, but we all know we are not actually supposed to jog in them, as evidenced by the fact that the model is wearing some sort of weird slippers. Okay, does anyone remember the name of those pants that everyone had in the early 90's that were really brightly colored and patterned and had an elastic waist and a little label in front? Something like ZAMZ or JAMZ? (then again, what wasn't called that in the early 90's?) I had a pair that were bright yellow, bright turquoise, black, and maybe some other colors. They were a real psychedelic freakout. These are more like a panic attack, but they're along the same lines.

Dick In a Box Withstanding...

Recently (well, over the summer) Gerard asked me why I hated Justin Timberlake. What I want to know is, why does our generation like Justin Timberlake? And not just ugg-wearing sixteen year olds, but lesbians! The "writers" on Pitchfork! Hipsters! Have you ever gone to a hipster party and not heard Justin Timberlake at least once? For some reason, Justin Timberlake seems to be untouchable as far as criticism goes. Well, I have my reasons, and they are forthcoming.

First of all, his music is bad. I'm all for catchy/shallow pop music, but "Sexyback?" Was there a hook in that song? I know everyone loved it (maddening!) but to me it just sounded like him moaning. "Sexybaaaaaack." That's how the song went. Besides that, could his music be any more overproduced? His actual voice is totally unrecognizable in all his "Future Sex" songs. Also, he doesn't write it, he "cowrites" it. With a team of producers. Like Ashlee Simpson.

"Future Sex/Love Sounds." What kind of douchey title is that? It sounds like the name of a terrible modern art show. Of course, this is coming from someone who named his first album "Justified," so what can we expect? It's like, really? Future Sex/Love Sounds? Do you think you are Miles Davis or something?

When beginning this post, I was like, I'm going to googleimage search him and I know I'll find an appropriate picture of him right away. I wasn't aware that he played guitar, myself, but it's more the look on his face that fills me with rage. This one, this one or this one would have been good too. Another thing that bothers me about Justin is that he is considered to have "soul." In fact, he opened a soul food restaurant in New York! Just think, you can go to Moby's vegan "tea bar" or whatever the hell that is and then head on over to experience the taste of authenticity (ohmygod this website is so funny!)

Another much-admired quality of Justin's is how stylish he is. Yeah, he dresses pretty well now that less ugly styles are popular, but let's take a short trip down memory lane and remember when he dressed like this. I remember, at the time, being horrified by this outfit. It's not like you were forced to dress this way in the year 2000. It's not like anyone forced you to wear cornrows. (I guess the soul was trying to escape there.) Clearly he is dressed by some trendy-ass stylist, as evidenced by this so four years ago look.



Which brings me to my final point, that he was in Nsync. If you went to high school during the period when boy bands were actually popular, and not even just boy bands like Fallout Boy but boy bands who were always posing like closeted gay Christian high school drama club members in matching outfits and everyone was all taking it seriously, and one of the "hot one" dated and wore matching outfits with Britney Spears, and that band wasn't even as good as the Backstreet Boys because we all know the "Backstreet's Back" video where they were dressed as monsters was pretty awesome, then I guess you feel some sort of adolescent bitterness towards a member of the band who got really successful. I mean, I'm fine with a Ricky Martin level of fame for Justin, and feel that's deserved (especially the current level, but even during the madness that was the "La Vida Loca" craze.) But nothing more!

PS: Looking up pictures of NSync is actually really funny and worth your time.

By the way, I think you have to cut and paste like half of those links into the address bar but it is 100% worth it.

Perky Nipples and Vacant Eyes: Women Depicted in Art

I occasionally look at a livejournal community called Black Cigarette, which is really kind of amazing. There are lots of posts like this, written by amazingly pretentious seventeen year olds who think their love of French New Wave/Audrey Hepburn/The Royal Tenenbaums is really beautiful and special and amazing (not to say that some normal people don't post there or whatever, but that's the general vibe.) This post on movie quotes is also pretty mind-blowing.

Anyway, there was recently a post on modern art and it's depictions of women, with the main poster commenting on her love of "gorgeous lips and sullen eyes and nipples and hipbones!" The point is, it repulsed me to no end, with its endless parade of naked, idealized, vacant, passive, cartoony women drawn like hipster Bratz dolls, a lot of which kind of reminds me of doodles I did in high school, but, you know, more offensive. I really can't believe the proliferation of this kind of art! This community is full of young women who are supposed to be artsy, but no one seemed to be able to find any art depicting women you know, doing something, besides maybe licking their fingers.

Simone is more of an expert in this than me, but I can't believe not one of them mentioned Amy Cutler, Kiki Smith or Kara Walker, all (very famous, established) artists who regularly depict women as so much more than docile little nymphets- and who a lot of the crappy artists are basically ripping off.

Anyway, I just love this painting on wood up top by Audrey Kawasaki, who apparently paints the "best proportioned faces and the sweetest supple bodies." The two chicks making out and the girl in her underwear are really making me think, and the vague manga style (ohmygod, there's so much more of that!) is pretty fresh.

Ugh. Does this work by "John John Jesse" look like Suicide Girls fan art or what? The whole tableaux with the octopus and the used condom and the naked girl, and how the octopus is wearing a crown, it's very daring.


Oh man! First of all, I hate how every single "surreal" artist thinks the most "surreal" thing ever is a fugly barren landscape; it was ugly when Salvador Dali did it but now we have someone who is copying Salvador Dali but adding the crucial element of a skinny little female in a trendy dress with her skirt blowing up. I mean, Dali's nudes were offensive and all too, but at least they weren't this retarded. By Fuco Ueda.
This is the kind of art that looks like the doodles I did in high school, but mine didn't have girls with leaves stuck to their tits. We have already seen this style, which is a rip-off of 70's stuff, in Calvin Klien ads and on the cover of this Donnas album and it is just fucking everywhere!

I can just imagine the artists (Nadia Hunt) being like, "I guess I'll draw a leaf...now a girl with long hair flowing into the leaf...now a girl with shaggy hair....how about a flowy plant to add to the mix?" It must be a laborious creative process!

This one's a picture by Cedric Rivrain of Kate Moss topless, doing it with a swan. Look at her face! Even the real Kate Moss looks more coherant! Look at all the wacky stuff these ladies are doing: being naked for no reason, hanging out with crazy animals in bleak landscapes, showing their boobs...the list goes on and on!


A topless girl in the bushes, looking frightened and drugged. This one evokes a lot of questions, like, "Why is she topless in the bushes?" Not to be sexist, but I can't believe this is the work of a female artist. It looks like the work of a balding forty-five year old who tries to pick up fourteen year olds on the bus to pose for his "erotic art." By Jessica Mccourt(!)


God, this is so tacky and ugly! Are these people just copying pages out of Vogue or something? By Lori Earley.
Just lovely. Really evocative of "artist"/douchebag Jeff Koons, airbrushed porn stars, maybe a little Paris Hilton, lingerie catalogues...

Yeah. Seriously. This is seriously a painting that someone painted. If I went to a gallery and the work of "Sas Christian" was on display, I would definitely feel the urge to destroy it a la that guy who took a chainsaw to Michaelangelo's Piata in the 70's. But what I really want to know is, what is under that red t-shirt? I bet it's boobs!


God, this is so offensive! She's eating out of a dog bowl! And the exploitation of cephalopods in these is perhaps even more offensive than the anime porn. By Junko Mizuno.


This is derivative of Tank Girl, except that Tank Girl was a positive force for young ladies, and everyone was really into it in 1995 when cyber clothing was popular. This piece by Camilla D'errico takes all the cyber hideousness of 1995 with a much added dash of confused and busty twelve year old.

I'm so glad that all this art is totally free of body hair. I, for one, appreciate the shading on the naked crotch of the red-haired one. I love how the women in this one are ostensibly supposed to be some kind of selkies/mermaids/sea creatures, but they also found the time to apply makeup, get boob jobs, and squeeze in a Brazilian! Who says today's modern water sprite can't do everything? By Esao Andrews.

And, finally, this piece of crap by Aya Takano, of two retarded adolescent blow up dolls about to make out.

I'd like to end this with a quote from the post: "I don't like Audrey Kawasaki. I think sometimes she gets too close to kiddie porn. But I know what you mean about painting of women. Intoxicating."

Haven't these people ever heard of the male gaze, for christsakes? Don't they know that these images of women as passive"muses" and sexual objects is pretty much the oldest and most typical subject there is? What do we get from these images that cannot be gotten from a crappy fashion ad? All in all, it's sad this art is bad and popular and all, but it's even more sad that it's popular among young women.

Boot Season is Upon Us

Wow, aren't these boots nice? I guess the color combination is sort of weird, and I kind of would prefer if the brown was white, but I love the cap toe! So vintagey! They'd look great with a full skirt. They are by Steve Madden, but they're his fancy line, so they're actually by "Steven Madden" for added class. Remember when Steve Madden shoes never cost more than $60 and were always platforms? How times have changed. Steve Madden also got indicted semi-recently. In case you are wondering what he looks like I found a picture. Ugh.

Am I crazy, or are these awesome? They look like a combination of those orthopedic shoes old ladies used to wear but don't seem to much any more, and something really mod, like they were just made to be worn with a double knit, blocky 60's dress, like this only less ugly. I can't imagine these being too hot of a seller, especially since they are patent.

PS: I really called the whole "bootie" craze of aught-seven with this post, didn't I? Everyone knows all those booties are just copies of styles made in the 30's and 40's, right? Right?

I Love the 70's : Part One of a Series

I don't know why exactly, but lately, I have been really obsessed with the 70's. I kind of feel like the 70's were the last hurrah in terms of well-designed and unique everyday objects like toasters and televisions, and the way everything was always brown and orange and avocado green is kind of cool even though technically those colors are kind of fug.

Another thing about the 70's is that feminism started to come into the mainstream, and, for a brief period, was actually kind of cool. Looking at 70's ads, you see all these images of grinning women doing karate kicks and or being park rangers or what have you because suddenly it was hip to not be a docile housewife or generally passive looking (for brief time.)

Also, something about being a 1970s youth in a Dazed and Confused type of way, driving around in your car and smoking pot because apparent;y you didn't get in trouble for that or something and listening to songs like Brontosaurus by the Move and Sweetleaf by Black Sabbath (songs I would link to if I had the internet smarts) that are kind of like dumb rock songs, but in a good way. I used to be into the 70's because of Richard Hell and stuff, but now the more mainstream aspects of the decade are calling to me.

Anyway, I think this obsession may have began when I lost out, on eBay, on the onesie pictured above. It's by the classic 70's jeans brand "Landlubber" and I think about it kind of a lot. At first bidding on it seemed like a joke, but as the onesie-less days have gone by, I'm starting to think these denim-shortalls may have filled a hole in my heart. Anyway, I really need a pair now and if any of you see these in real life or the internet, you have to make sure I own them really soon.

So here are a few pictures of the 70s that I am into. I have a lot more, so I'll probably do another 70's post pretty soon. Maybe tomorrow! Who knows?

Look at all these active ladies (except the one who is getting the man to change her tires, but whatever.) I also love the quote next to the woman in the pool.

Whatever is going on with Joan Jett's boots (it looks scenic) in this photo, it's amazing.

This is a film still from a Pam Grier movie (Coffee?) and boy are those bellbottoms fabulous. The whole set-up of the shot and the colors are really great.

For the past ten years or so, I have been planning- when I have some money-to have a custom made velvet suit in the style of Mick's here, with a tight fit and bellbottoms. It's going to be dark purple. Anyway, this photo is amazing on many levels.

I just stole this photo of this kid's 1970's era bar mitzfah off the internet. I love the lady on the left's boots and skirt combo, and the way photos from this decade often have this kind of glowy yellow light.

Seal of Approval

I have to say, it's impossible to hate Amy Winehouse. Like, really impossible. Sure, her music is pretty blah and most of the time her 21-inch hips are stuffed into some boring outfit that looks like it came from Aeropostale by way of Crackton, but I tell you I don't care. The way she looks like a homeless B-52 and her hair is five feet high and looks like it is hiding buried treasure and her teeth are fucked up and she has her real nose and her eyeliner looks like a five year old did it and I'm always reading stuff like, "Amy Winehouse reportedly told the BBC to 'piss off'" or "Amy Winehouse left her VMA in the bathroom," well, it's all pretty endearing. I mean, I know supposedly she's a drug addict, but so is everyone else and they never do it with such style, you know?

PS: This title comes from, when, in high school, Naira and I would give the "seal of approval" to people we didn't hate. Not very many people received the seal, so it was a rare honor. Probably like ten people got it or something. And they all should have got tattoos and formed a secret society of people we kind of liked, but not enough to be our real friends.

PPS: Also, Gaby saw Amy Winehouse in an Aldo last summer- class! That's all.

Sometimes Even Looking Like Egon Spengler Can't Save You

There's nothing like a hideous women's sweater from the 80's to let everyone know what a fun guy you are. It practically has puff sleeves, dude. You look like a moron. I could comment on the Bill Gates glasses, but what is there left to be said?