Big Ugly Shoes Won't Go Away and More Stuff That Also Won't Go Away

Maybe if you were full on glam rocking these boots, they would be cool. They need something like a skintight glitter jumpsuit to balance things out. Paired with saggy denim shorts, gauzy blouses and sheer shirts, they are just clumpy and awkward. I saw a girl recently wearing the glitter version of these ubiquitous shoes and cut-offs just like in the photo above. It was a train wreck. But it's always sad when you see girls struggling in their heels when they could be wearing Converse and looking a lot better.

And speaking of saggy cut-offs, please stop wearing them!

At least where them with an old t-shirt. But instead, people insist on this revolutionary concept they themselves invented, mixing "high" with "low" and cut-offs with heels. It's very fresh to do this, as opposed to the "too perfect, matching" look people always say they are against but no one really wears because it is out to match.

Speaking of the last photo, another trend I hate is the intentionally unlaced lace-up boots. To me, the appeal of lace-up boots is the tight, clean, laced-up look:

The crotch and boot combo is red-hot on this one!!!!



I guess this girl is twelve years old so maybe I shouldn't be criticizing her fashion choices. Again though, those American Apparel disco spandex pants are meant to be worn with a disco slut outfit, like Olivia Newton John in the last scene of Grease, not with a brown sweater and a pair of Timberlands you swiped off a hobo. Good job on the space nails, though. Speaking of which: ever since I got into space, space got really popular: space conspiracy?????

Perhaps the trend I hated most this summer was the insanely low cut arm hole, especially on a dude:


To me, this is the last thing to highlight on anyone, and Jared Leto must be well into his 50s by now. He is posing with some evil developer here who helped destroy New York, making Jared's shirt bitterly ironic. He's also wearing one glove omg what a douche.

Sea of Fug Shoes

I think "monstrosity" is probably the best word used to describe the monstrosities that are currently in vogue.

Lenny Kravitz Wears Hooves

Hahaha. Ohmygod. Remember when Lenny Kravitz wore low-rise jeans and wraparounds? Now he is turning into a cliched neo-goth-fashion-gay type, even though he must be well over a million years old at this point. Also, remember when that song about how he wished he could fly up to the sky so very high was inescapable and everyone on earth was constantly subjected to it was also the worst song ever???? Nice drapey leather messenger bag, fool. What are you carrying in there, your ipad and some books of poetry?

Hooves! Hooves! Hooves!

The hoof looks especially great with something voluminous on top, or maybe in a pretty normal outfit like the last girl, for a dash of that "I don't know why I'm wearing hooves!" je ne sai quois. I know I posted some hooves in my last post, but I just wanted to make sure all my readers got the memo to wear hooves.

Ugly Things I Saw at Bloomingdales

These Micheal Kors shoes were such terrible monstrosities. I don't know how people walk in these things, or why they walk in them. Michael Kors is such a hack. He has his name on zillions of pink windbreakers and other low-quality crap made in China, and he is such a jerk on that terrible show no one watches anymore, Project Runway. So many 'designer' names are totally meaningless, and represent nothing but the fact that the "designer" signed an agreement four years ago. But like celebrity names, I guess they sell a brand, or in this case, hideous shoes.

Believe it or not, this was not in the "Barbara Bush Summers in Nantucket" collection. This was in the young! hip! trendy! section. I know they are going for prep, but no true prep would wear that aborted Snuggie in the middle. Anyway, we are reaching some really frumpy times. I wonder if, next in fashion, we will go back to the mid 80's Mormon look, with boxy skirts hovering around our ankles, wide puffed sleeves and a huge collar- more of a Jessica McClintock/ Laura Ashley look. We're already half way there! More than half way, really.

Edited to add later: enlarge that second photo to see the horrible crotch on the pants!

Cute Vintage Shoes on eBay I Found That Don't Fit Me

Ladylike 70's high-heel oxfords, size 8.

70's rubber soled platforms, size 6. So comfortable! And so organic, yet so trashy.




Adorable and bizarrely shaped 70's Qualicraft wooden heeled loafers. Size 8.

Really cute 60's little booties! also size 8. Sorry for that huge space.

Stand Tall, Like Grace Jones

Fashion, today, is a lot like indie rock music today. Just as no band is content to write a straightforward pop/rock song without ten million dissonant flourishes, very few fashion people can handle looking sharp, crisp and straightforward. Women have always been ashamed of their bodies, and the current lank, pigeon-toed baby deer trend (I guess it's very 90's, too, though) , all jutting legs and bitten lower lips and some fugly outfit that really doesn't look like anything...there's just something so non-commital and passive about all of it!

Though the 80's had its fugliness, it was a time when people looked strong and in charge. The current look is ultra-weak and distinctly unwomanly- and when I say this, I don't mean unwomanly as in "unfeminine" but little-girlish, with no power behind it, no mature adult force. And a lot of these people, who are dressing like this, are adults, with important jobs- important jobs in fashion. I cannot help but being reminded of Susan Faludi's Backlash, during which she drew connections between designers forcing out the woman's professional suit as the look de rigeur and instead introduced the 80's pouf dress and other impracticalities. The logic is: if women had a simple and professional outfit they could feel confident in, and lasted a long time, they would never feel crappy enough to buy new pouf dresses.

If you are a lady, and someone takes a photo of you- first of all, don't wear a big shirt and no pants with chunky shoes intended to make you look gangly and unsteady, as if you have just dropped out of your mother deer, and secondly, do not hunch your shoulders and turn in your toes and put your hand in your mouth like a baby. Stand tall, like Grace Jones. Have confidence.

God, I hate The Sartorialist except for the photos he takes of men in suits. I can't believe he just stands around fashion shows and takes photos of editors and stuff wearing $10,000 designer outfits and then everyone is like, "You have such an eye!" Anyway, the woman above is an editor or something. An editor dressed and posing like a little girl! Remember when I said I hated those poofy short skirts because they were infantile?

Here are some more:

Enough with the rolling up of the baggy pants!

What the hell is this? What is this outfit? What is nice about it?

Here is a fashion look from Lyell. Maybe Lula. All I know is that it's disturbing. The model looks twelve and her shy poses and lame, lank Catholic schoolgirl look really complete things.

Here is another disgusting and infantile trendy look. How could you take someone seriously in this outfit? It's an adult woman wearing a huge shirt and no apparent pants, like a fat kid at a swimming pool. don't forget the huge chunky platform shoes to teeter upon!

Here are some more assorted pics:





And here is Grace Jones (and Marlene Dietrich), showing us how to pose with swagger and dignity, not like a malnourished toddler:

Urban Outfitters & Sea of Shoes

They currently have over eight pairs of harem pants on their website. The first pair aren't harem pants, but they are certainly "pussy gut" pants. This has got to be the most unflattering shape ever. Then the harem pantaloons on the bottom....I don't know. I don't know, guys. This might be the worst moment for fashion ever. Like, I hate almost everything about the 90's, but at least it was original the first time. You may want to check out some other selections to confirm this...


Ohmygod!!! People really will just wear whatever they see on other people they think look "cool", won't they? Only someone with no will of their own would actually purchase these shorts. This just makes me sad.

Urban's styling tip: Try a saggy gray t-shirt with a saggy gray sweater on top. Also, underneath wear those gladiator sandals that have a little saggy socklet attached. In gray.

Speaking of saggy...

I think I would probably cry if I was forced to wear this.


Urban sez: "Unlike our other Urban Renewal items, Urban Renewal Vintage pieces like this blazer come to you in their original vintage silhouette. Sourced from all over the map, each blazer is hand-picked."

Translation: You know how every thrift store is full of blazers from the 80's and 90's? Well, we bought a lot, probably for like 2 cents each since we're a huge company, did nothing to them, and now we're selling them to you for $48 each even though you can find them everywhere. But, without us, would you be able to figure out how fresh everything suddenly looks when you roll up the sleeves?!


Lastly, we have 17-year-old Jane Aldridge of Sea of Shoes blog, which is basically about her designer shoe and clothing acquisitions, most of which cost upwards of $500 each. As a young, blond/white, thin, designer-touting and incredibly wealthy teen (from "Trophy Club" Texas. 4 realz.) with that hip, DIY fashion blog edge, she is all the fashion world could want to represent them, and has been featured in a zillion magazines and such. Even though she is a teenager, all she ever discusses is going shopping in LA/Tokyo/Paris with her mother and naked avant-garde photos of Japanese models circa 1986. You can watch a video of her here, wherein they're like, "How does she afford these $9oo shoes? She's going to design her own collection!" as if that makes any sense.

Anyway, here is her some if her collection that she "designed" for....Urban Outfitters!


Why, it looks like all the shoes Urban Outfitters already has, which are copies of designer shoes! Dude, I mocked the now-strangely ubiquitous peep toe lace up boot when Factory Girl came out, and as for those studded ones, similar styles can be had, at Forever 21/every store that sells mini dresses to hos. They're just the same chunky, studded, cage-y platforms that are popular right now.

In conclusion, it's certainly interesting to see how fashion bloggers have been affecting fashion, but ultimately the fashion world gets to pick and choose which bloggers are going to be flown to France and design capsule collections, and they sure aren't the ones who don't worship certain designers or are interested in subverting the fucked up norms of the fashion establishment. And in the case of Sea of Shoes, they are the same young ladies who will get cushy internships at Vogue anyway- all they're being given is yet another head start.