Big Ugly Shoes Won't Go Away and More Stuff That Also Won't Go Away

Maybe if you were full on glam rocking these boots, they would be cool. They need something like a skintight glitter jumpsuit to balance things out. Paired with saggy denim shorts, gauzy blouses and sheer shirts, they are just clumpy and awkward. I saw a girl recently wearing the glitter version of these ubiquitous shoes and cut-offs just like in the photo above. It was a train wreck. But it's always sad when you see girls struggling in their heels when they could be wearing Converse and looking a lot better.

And speaking of saggy cut-offs, please stop wearing them!

At least where them with an old t-shirt. But instead, people insist on this revolutionary concept they themselves invented, mixing "high" with "low" and cut-offs with heels. It's very fresh to do this, as opposed to the "too perfect, matching" look people always say they are against but no one really wears because it is out to match.

Speaking of the last photo, another trend I hate is the intentionally unlaced lace-up boots. To me, the appeal of lace-up boots is the tight, clean, laced-up look:

The crotch and boot combo is red-hot on this one!!!!



I guess this girl is twelve years old so maybe I shouldn't be criticizing her fashion choices. Again though, those American Apparel disco spandex pants are meant to be worn with a disco slut outfit, like Olivia Newton John in the last scene of Grease, not with a brown sweater and a pair of Timberlands you swiped off a hobo. Good job on the space nails, though. Speaking of which: ever since I got into space, space got really popular: space conspiracy?????

Perhaps the trend I hated most this summer was the insanely low cut arm hole, especially on a dude:


To me, this is the last thing to highlight on anyone, and Jared Leto must be well into his 50s by now. He is posing with some evil developer here who helped destroy New York, making Jared's shirt bitterly ironic. He's also wearing one glove omg what a douche.

Hooves! Hooves! Hooves!

The hoof looks especially great with something voluminous on top, or maybe in a pretty normal outfit like the last girl, for a dash of that "I don't know why I'm wearing hooves!" je ne sai quois. I know I posted some hooves in my last post, but I just wanted to make sure all my readers got the memo to wear hooves.

Gallery Of Looks I Hate

I guess it's unfair that I am judging people by how they are dressed, but I think it's kind of fair when it's people who spend so much money on their look, right? It's not like you can get that Google t-shirt for free.

Here's a tip: Cosby sweaters and trucker hats: they never go out of style.

Mary's Musings: More on Globalization, Bowler Hats

Above: Unique Assorted Looks from Across the World, courtesy of Lookbook, which I always want to make fun of but can't because it is basically this photo repeated 10,000 times.

1. Apparently the Face Hunter has decried globalization, saying:

"Globalization is a myth. The belief that international brands and pop culture are making the world a standardized society populated by clones is an old-skool science-fiction vision of the future, not the reality of the 21st century."

and

"we should talk of 'creole-ization,'" which is "customizing identity from fragments of culture from different parts of world."

and

"Trends are dead, baby! Become what you are' is now a reality."

Well, obviously he's not going to say that everyone looks the same everywhere because of globalization, and that the ten million people wearing a bowler hat and posing pigeon-toed from Norway to Korea is indicative of that.

But it's not like globalization only relates to big brands and corporations. Cultural globalization has everything to do with the fact that everyone with a computer can view people and trends from across the planet, whereas once cultural influences were insular and therefore had to be somewhat unique. It has to do with the fact that people's cultural references came largely from where they were from, instead of from a glowing box. And let us not forget that street style can trickle up or down- the current trend of wearing huge, teetering platforms with crap hanging off them (or "big ugly shoes" as I call them) obviously started with designer fashion, as the style is one of the few thoroughly modern looks popular, and there's not really any skewing going on there.

I have been using my razor-sharp observation skills to look at the people of New York City, where I currently am (uh, do you have a job for me? List of jobs I'm interested in will follow at end of post.*) People in New York look a little more polished, a little more on-point, but they are overwhelmingly just wearing the same trends we have all seen so much and made so much fun of: Saggy pleated shorts, chambray shirts, boxy blazers with rolled sleeves, the aforementioned bowler hat (for the love of god, stop wearing those!!!!!) and, for guys, the Sartorialist look which is at least a cute one.

Lastly, everything today has gotten so fashion-y. There used to be a huge divide between designer and plebeian. Maybe this is apropos of nothing, but remember that Britney Sometimes video? I do. I remember watching it in horror as she capered around in a white cropped turtleneck and baggy pants, like her stylist had walked blindfolded into a Deb sale rack and shortened the first thing he could find into a half-shirt:



Anyway, it blew me away how fugly it was. It was that really thick ribbed knit, too.

I just think this sort of thing wouldn't fly anymore, you know? Everyone collaborates with a designer, and every fashion blog features some fourteen year old jerking off over the new
Alexander Wang collection. When I was in high school, no one knew about this stuff. To them,
"designer" was the Paul Frank monkey or Mavi jeans or something. The pervasive idea that you can take designer looks and "skew" them and make them your own is supposed to democratize fashion, but you're still echoing the establishment- the same with designer capsule collections for cheap stores.

The point is, globalization and the like is more insidious than you think. It's not just kids in remote China eating happy meals, man! And as for the "old-skool [skool??!!] science-fiction vision" of the future, let's not forget if someone from the past flash-forwarded to today and saw a zillion people staring at little glowing screens and wearing wet-look leggings, they'd be pretty freaked out!

2. Words I wish never to hear again:
panini, I hate saying this word, and I hate how every crappy chain restaurant in the world is all over ciabatta and microgreens and all this fancy stuff that only makes sense when it doesn't come out of a baggie in the freezer.

pimp and all its variations. The 2000's were the worst, and now that I am reflecting upon them a lot, I am getting more and more angry that I had to come of age in such a horrible, turtleneck/half-shirt wearing decade. Using the word pimp as an adjective or verb is not okay.

3. Here is a funny blog for you guys to read: Godmammit I'm Mad. This is a lady after my own heart, who hates Sea of Shoes and whose hero is Patti Smith, and who posts amazing photos of herself as a teen runaway hanging out on Sunset Boulevard in the 60's and 70's. It's worth reading the back entries, except that most of 2008 is just anti Sarah Palin posts.

* Jobs:
1. Malcolm McClaren-esque band manager. Give me a band clad in turtleneck half-shirts and I will turn them all into stars!
2. Gaddabout. Hire me for your magazine and I'll make droll observations about parties I attend for free.
3. Costumer for whatever. No longer will no one sit in the audience and fume about how this movie supposedly set in the 1970's clearly features people wearing modern jeans!
4. Simon Doonan or Amy Sedaris or Judy Blume, or assistant to Simon Doonan or Amy Sedaris, but not Judy Blume because I guess she is retired.
5. Vintage museum curator.
6. Trend forecaster, but used for good, not evil.
7. Glam rock expert.
8. Basically any other sort of job, hopefully something to do with vintage clothing, YA fiction, feminism, writing, editing, or similar.

PS: Malcom McClaren's coffin:

Trendspotting: Boxy Frumpy Fur Coat

In some ways, I'm glad the strong shoulder is back. There is a certain 1940's vampy powerfulness to the strong shoulder. Alternately, there is a certain 80's boxy frump to it as well, particulalry because 80's shoulderpads don't have a very defined shape and look more linebackery than not. Anyway, I guess the time is now to wear an ugly 80's fur coat. Don't they all look like they're having fun?

PS: Topknot optional.

PPS: I'll let you in on a fresh little secret: Rolling up a pair of baggy pleated pants! It's a whole new look!

Face Hunter Really is Increasingly Boring

We all had a good laugh over Nu Rave, and, sure, it was awful, but now that it has been like a year and a half and apparently in this modern world, that is now an eternity, and I'm ready for some Nu Rave nostalgia. For the new look of Face Hunter and whatnot is SO, SO BORING!!!! What the hell is up with this outfit? Nice quilted denim jacket and black pants!!! Hot off the heels of that Mad About You post, we have even more horrible, boring, dull, ugly 90's fashion! And as usual, that person who stepped off the city bus in this exact outfit two minutes ago is not worthy of having their photo taken, but the model wearing it totally is!


Way to ruin that slutty top that doesn't even fit you right anyway! Why wear something so skanky to only add computer programmer pants to the mix?

This shirt is so International Male 1992. International Male, in case you're wondering, was this amazingly tacky catalog for men with a leaning towards a look we might call "Jazzy Fabio," as in, jazzier than how Fabio dressed. I once found a copy on the plane in like, the year 2000, when I was too young to actually process the camp value but knew there was something pretty funny about outfits like this ten years after the 80's had passed. Like, there is no way this shirt doesn't smell like cheap cologne and wasn't worn by someone with a Jheri curl. Also, nice chain necklace, dude. Doesn't he realize you should be dressed like a little fey pixie if you look like this?

This girl is going for the elusive "sloppy European hippie girl who tries to buy ecstasy from you at a youth hostel so she can do it at the Dead concert in 1993 + boater hat" look. Pure magic!

This is her friend. She's like, "Hey, we're going to drum on mountaintop, yes? You want to go?"

What about this guy? Sort of charming, isn't it? Sort of a fresh take on that tired Oliver Twist look everyone is so tired of. Loving the shorts over kneesocks with clunky pigeon-toes. How exactly does the Face Hunter know this guy isn't a hipster but actually a glue-sniffing runaway, which is what he looks like? And isn't the fact that you can't really tell kind of disturbing to anyone?

Did I say boring? What am I talking about? Take a look at this guy! Are those jamz??? Hiking boots without laces? How do those stay on his feet? This outfit has everything!

There are like seven pictures of this lady on the Face Hunter's website. I have to say, I could not find this image any less inspiring.

This look is soooo dorky. I feel like this guy is really into the films of Guy Richie, DJing trip-hop and pretending like he is in The Matrix.
She looks pretty cool, though! I've said it before and i'll say it again: If you wanna dress slutty, go for it, but go all the way!

Stand Tall, Like Grace Jones

Fashion, today, is a lot like indie rock music today. Just as no band is content to write a straightforward pop/rock song without ten million dissonant flourishes, very few fashion people can handle looking sharp, crisp and straightforward. Women have always been ashamed of their bodies, and the current lank, pigeon-toed baby deer trend (I guess it's very 90's, too, though) , all jutting legs and bitten lower lips and some fugly outfit that really doesn't look like anything...there's just something so non-commital and passive about all of it!

Though the 80's had its fugliness, it was a time when people looked strong and in charge. The current look is ultra-weak and distinctly unwomanly- and when I say this, I don't mean unwomanly as in "unfeminine" but little-girlish, with no power behind it, no mature adult force. And a lot of these people, who are dressing like this, are adults, with important jobs- important jobs in fashion. I cannot help but being reminded of Susan Faludi's Backlash, during which she drew connections between designers forcing out the woman's professional suit as the look de rigeur and instead introduced the 80's pouf dress and other impracticalities. The logic is: if women had a simple and professional outfit they could feel confident in, and lasted a long time, they would never feel crappy enough to buy new pouf dresses.

If you are a lady, and someone takes a photo of you- first of all, don't wear a big shirt and no pants with chunky shoes intended to make you look gangly and unsteady, as if you have just dropped out of your mother deer, and secondly, do not hunch your shoulders and turn in your toes and put your hand in your mouth like a baby. Stand tall, like Grace Jones. Have confidence.

God, I hate The Sartorialist except for the photos he takes of men in suits. I can't believe he just stands around fashion shows and takes photos of editors and stuff wearing $10,000 designer outfits and then everyone is like, "You have such an eye!" Anyway, the woman above is an editor or something. An editor dressed and posing like a little girl! Remember when I said I hated those poofy short skirts because they were infantile?

Here are some more:

Enough with the rolling up of the baggy pants!

What the hell is this? What is this outfit? What is nice about it?

Here is a fashion look from Lyell. Maybe Lula. All I know is that it's disturbing. The model looks twelve and her shy poses and lame, lank Catholic schoolgirl look really complete things.

Here is another disgusting and infantile trendy look. How could you take someone seriously in this outfit? It's an adult woman wearing a huge shirt and no apparent pants, like a fat kid at a swimming pool. don't forget the huge chunky platform shoes to teeter upon!

Here are some more assorted pics:





And here is Grace Jones (and Marlene Dietrich), showing us how to pose with swagger and dignity, not like a malnourished toddler: