Mary's Musings: Ten-year old Steve Martin fans, RomComs are for Losers, etc.

As a kid, I loved comedy. My main favorites were Bill Murray and Steve Martin, whose dry wit I both related to and adored. I was also a fan of John Candy, another comedian I felt I grew up with. I loved The Three Amigos (something tells me this movie would be significantly less watchable as an adult) Ghostbusters, Wayne's World, the non-corny parts of Father of the Bride 1 & 2 and L.A. Story, Twins starring Danny Devito and Arnold Scwarzenagger (I also have my doubts about that one holding up) and the work of Leslie Nielsen. Many of these movie were copied for me from video-store tapes to VHS tapes, and when the FBI warning would flash on the screen I would be terrified, anticipating a team of FBI agents breaking into my home and seizing my copy of Joe Vs. The Volcano as I watched it for the twenty-second time.

The Naked Gun series, as well as Hot Shots 1 & 2 were movies I rushed to see in theaters. My family saw Naked Gun 33 and 1/3 while traveling through Europe. We first chose to see it in England, but the British wouldn't let me see it as a ten year old, though I was with my parents. (Maybe because of the scathing Queen Elizabeth parodies such as this one?) We ended up seeing it in the formerly communist city of Prague, Czechoslovakia, in an extremely Soviet-style, all-cement movie theater. The theater creepily echoed the cement apartment we were staying in, where the lights would shut off if you didn't make it fast enough down the hallway, and at the end of the hallway, we were rewarded with an always ajar-door with red stuff on it leading to the apartment next to ours, where Czech people had violent domestic arguments. These terrifying settings did not spoil my enjoyment of the movie, which I loved. And Anna Nicole was in it, and I thought she was so beautiful. I also selected it as a film to watch at the very last birthday party I remember having, age ten or eleven, a sleepover where I felt alternately embarrassed at the crassness of my selection and annoyance that people weren't watching it.

I also remember when Wayne's World came out. It was really exciting. I was eight, and my mother and I went to see it, but we got there really late and missed the first half, so we stayed in the theater to re-watch it. I later received free or cheap copies of both Wayne's World and the equally excellent Addams Family on VHS from McDonalds as a pack. What a combo!

On a more 90's note, I enjoyed Tommy Boy and the works of Adam Sandler. I loved Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. Saturday Night Live as one and a half hours of pure enjoyment. At the end, when the cast waves goodbye and the credits roll, I would feel a great loss. It seemed extra sad because of the dramatic farewell, and I wished I was up there on that stage with my fellow hilarious castmates, signing off at the end of another great show. I didn't have cable, so there were no reruns. In vain, I would stay up, hoping something good would be on. I usually ended up watching the beginning of Showtime at The Apollo, which didn't really satisfy, just as Soul Train or Professional Wrestling would come on after cartoons and I'd watch it much more out of desperation that enjoyment.

Some of these movies have certainly held up- Bill Murray's Groundhog Day (besides Andy McDowell)/Ghostbusters 1 & 2/What About Bob? type movies are light years better than all his stupid mopey Wes Anderson/Jim Jarmusch/Sofia Coppolla roles. Dumb and Dumber is another I will not hesitate to watch if it happens to be on TV, and obviously the aforementioned Wayne's World and The Addams Family are some of the Greatest Films Ever Made. I still like Seinfeld, a middle-school age obsession neatly fitting in with my other dorky passions.

I think most comedy is really age-appropriate only for a precocious nine-year-old, whereas now the retard tingles you get after watching Michael Cera stammer his way through the same movie for the eighteenth time tend to overwhelm any "funny" aspects the movie promises to contain. Luckily, the trend of wacky sports movie died (Thank god the one starring Andy Samburg bombed) but looking at the comedies still set to be released in 2010, it doesn't look pretty. More romcoms starring Kristen Bell, and then more movies starring Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd as a duo, and then Owen Wilson is the live-action Marmaduke movie. Looks like the studios are taking some crazy, creative chances yet again!

Most comedies are geared toward men. Comedies geared towards women are called "romantic comedies," but they're not really comedies. Romantic comedies are not funny. I'm tired of women on feminist blogs being like, "We have to stop criticizing romantic comedies because they're for and about women. There's no shame in loving romantic comedy. Why aren't people ashamed of action movies instead?" Romantic comedies are insulting to women, that's why. The very format of a pathetic fairy-tale romance combined with the forced wacky hijinks of polite society makes me want to kill myself. They are simultaneously boring and embarrassing. They are almost always about women feeling stupid/ugly/single/uncool/bad about themselves. The women are never crass and funny. I think Tina Fey can be very funny, but to me 30 Rock is just like a romantic comedy- it's about hating herself (Like Chelsea Handler, I often get the feeling Tina Fey actually hates all women.)

The last time I regularly watched romantic comedies was in middle school, when friends would take me to see them. Even then, I cringed. I thought about selecting the The Wedding Singer as a movie to see for my birthday party, but after the final scene, wherein Adam Sandler sings a song called "I Want to Grow Old With You" to a very non-80's looking Drew Barrymore, I was glad I hadn't. It made me uncomfortable to watch such such treacle, and it still does.

Sure, action movies are retarded too, but they are exciting and exhilarating, and not always based on some series of horrible, cutesy, faux pas. I don't know how you can compare an entire yacht blowing up or someone getting stabbed in the face with some girl worrying whether she is too fat for her date with Hugh Grant. Only one of these scenarios should be fulfilling some kind of primal urge.

A lot of these modern, "I Love You, Man" style comedies kind of blur the line between romantic comedies and wacky retard comedies, both because the men in them appear to be in long-term, committed relationships with their male friends, and because they also have to resolve a problem with their nagging but inexplicably hot wives or girlfriends. Plus, they are always talking about their feelings. So many women seem to have embraced these kind of comedies, even laboring under the delusion that the men who star in them are attractive and sexually appealing due to their "comedic" "talents." I recently heard a young woman say she would have sex with Jonah Hill if he asked her to. Do you think, fifteen years ago, a lot of guys would be like, "Hey, she's such a great comedian, I'd have sex with Roseanne, wouldn't you?" Talk about a double standard.I mean, it would be cool if a guy said that in a way the opposite would never, ever be cool.

Also, I know I've been ranting a long time now, but I also am so sick of the faux-documentary style format I want to puke. It had already been perfected with the British The Office, some Christopher Guest movies, and Arrested Development, but, instead of thinking of something new, everyone just jumped on the bandwagon to play out a bunch of third-rate versions until it looks really dated and everyone hates it. I feel like I am the only person on earth to hate Steve Carrel and the U.S. The Office. The last commercial I saw for it promised Jim and Pam or whatever their names are having a baby and they were having a baby special episode! Way to stay true to the dry, realistic, melancholy spirit of the original, American colonialist TV producers!

Needless to say, I also hate Judd Apatow and think he directed all the most sexist, trite parts of Freaks and Geeks, which he wrongfully gets credit for and is the greatest show ever.

In conclusion, it's really hard to find funny comedies, and if you want to get high and watch a retarded comedy you haven't seen, please check out Spring Breakdown, starring Amy Poehler, Rachael Dratch, and Parker Posey, which manages to be feminist without being patronizing (alright, I can't recommend the scenes with Amer Tamblyn, but still, the movie is good.) If you are like, "Why is Jonah Hill in all these movies but these famous, established female comedians can't get their much funnier comedy released?", obviously the answer is the patriarchy, and I guess that is also the answer to the question about why I never watched any female-driven comedies or remember liking an female comedians, but we all know that.

Trendspotting: Boxy Frumpy Fur Coat

In some ways, I'm glad the strong shoulder is back. There is a certain 1940's vampy powerfulness to the strong shoulder. Alternately, there is a certain 80's boxy frump to it as well, particulalry because 80's shoulderpads don't have a very defined shape and look more linebackery than not. Anyway, I guess the time is now to wear an ugly 80's fur coat. Don't they all look like they're having fun?

PS: Topknot optional.

PPS: I'll let you in on a fresh little secret: Rolling up a pair of baggy pleated pants! It's a whole new look!

Joan Jett Appreciation Post

Friends, even after all these years, whenever I see a magazine subtitle that says "Ashlee Simpson-Wentz reveals how she stays lean after Baby #2!!!" I still cringe a little bit. Simone, Gaby- imagine if, when watching The Ashlee Show in 2004, that could have flashed before us as a vision of the future? So dystopian!!!

Also, not to blame the world's problems on Sarah McLaughlin, but don't you think if the majority of female musicians in history had been Joan Jett, many of our problems would have been solved by now?

Face Hunter Latest 'n Greatest

What is the point of wearing a floppy, depressing zebra print jumpsuit? A zebra print jumpsuit should be worn with a classic rock -like panache, not as another boring sack. In fact, that's the problem with all these jumpsuits! Like their flirtier cousins, the onesie, jumpsuits should only be worn by those who understand their inherent tackiness. PS: Nice bowler hat!

Here are some ways to wear an animal print jumpsuit, from Heavy Metal Parking Lot, which you should probably watch right now if you haven't seen it:




Onto some horrendous floral jumpsuits for suburban moms from 1993. Seriously, I had a third grade teacher who told me her favorite show was Home Improvement (which horrified me even at the time) who my called a "fruit." This is what she wore. Also, I have a soft spot for Doc Martens and all, but maybe it's time to give them a rest, particularly in this context. 

The next two fall under the category of, "Is everyone blind?" A beige leather (or is it more of a puce?) t-shirt with peach colored spandex leggings with yet another pair of open-toe booties? Why do these thing go together? She looks like a band-aid.

Here's another really bad 90's thing that I guess is coming back: long floral skirts with no shape and ugly patterns. If she was wearing a white t-shirt with this skirt, whatever. But a black mesh dominatrix-y top? And a big Palestinian scarf? And a straw 90's mom purse? How or why would these things go together? 

Lastly, The Face Hunter says, "'This is the piece 'In an Absolut world , you can ask for anything' that I created for the Visions exhibition in Munich.' Um what, this is the piece? You mean this topless girl holding up a piece of binder paper over her boobs? You don't need an "absolut" world to make this happen, dude. Lots of women take their clothes off to make money to buy clothing, among other things. And judging from the way most of the people on Face Hunter look, you can pretty much dive into any pile of discarded crap and come out with a worthy outfit. You know, as long as you look like this in the first place.

Cyndi Lauper Is Great

Sorry I haven't written a real post in a long time, but I'm moving and probably my next post will just be more eBay auctions. But, whilst watching the Girls Just Want to Have Fun video yesterday, I was overcome with a strong sense of love for Cyndi Lauper, and felt the urge to proclaim my love in this blog.

She's So Unusual is perhaps the #1 album I would suggest as a gift for young girls, not just because of Cyndi's amazing huge orange hair with a vintage dress with ten belts over it DIY fashion sense, or her sassy exuberance, but also because it's really great, including such songs as the aforementioned Girls, but also Yeah Yeah, I'll Kiss You, and She-Bop (a song about the universality of masturbation!) Of course, Time After Time always gets you where it hurts as well. Because of her image, I think people forget that Cyndi was also a great artist responsible for more than a few nearly-flawless pop songs.

Anyway, Cyndi Lauper is empowering in a fun, creative, weird, punk-rock-but-not-aggressive, good-time type of way, and of course she has since proven herself with her gay activism and wearing this outfit and such, and she had great style, the kind clearly untouched by the evil weave-and-veneers machine that would envelop every artist today should there even be an MTV station that played MTV videos. How sad that our pop stars were once so creative, talented and idiosyncratic. I didn't have a friend in high school who didn't want to look at least a little bit like Cyndi Lauper, and in these lank times, let her provide inspiration to us.

Hope 4 the New Year

As much as I would like to pool all my hope on our new president, my cynical nature and "ultra liberal" political leanings tell me that relying so heavily on an elected official, especially one who rose to the highest office possible, is both naive and unwise. (I still like Michelle though, especially her ballsy election-night outfit.) So let's stick to fashion, the failings of which might, at times, feel equally depressing, but, ultimately, lead to far less economic depression and global downfall.

Whilst browsing through the thoroughly entertaining Lookbook website, I felt the need to compile a list of trends that need to die with the new year. It wasn't hard. These are like all from the first page.

1. The sloppy layered scarf:

Especially this fucking scarf. Take off this fucking scarf already! Just stop wearing it, America!

I won't comment on the rest of the look, which is soooo early 2000s! Who knows what I mean? Who's ready for 2000s nostalgia??? Wow, what a decade.

How about every single trend on this pair of tools:

Let's count them!
2. Face paint- that's "tribal," guys! Speaking of being fun and ethnic, how about the
3. Afrika collection from
4. American Apparel?
5. Leggings as pants/entire outift.
6. Let's not forget they're still wearing those dumbass scarves
7. Bill Gates glasses
8. Friendship bracelets? Not the first we've seen, and sadly, probably not the last.
9. General 80's/early 90's fug.

Apparently this is the same girl, but here she's spicing things up with
10. Sally Jesse Raphael glasses and
11. A skirt hiked up over her boobs masquerading as a foul top.
12. Plaid! Who else loves plaid? Everyone!

What about this one?
13. That fucking beanie hat perched on the back of the head seen on several other photos in this post.
14. The huge 80's shirt worn as a dress
15. Not wearing pants.

Also, this girl:

I'm all for the neo-Debbie Harry look (obviously) but this crosses over from hipster to terrifying at some point. This girl will haunt me in my dreams. Is she seven? It's like, this is what it would be if pageant mothers tarted up their children to attract Cisco Adler instead of closeted Southern queens. Also, hello, Mishapes is over! Whoa, another early 2000s reference!

Unfortunately the Lookbook website wouldn't let me look at any more photos for some reason.

How depressing that the 2000s are almost over and there is pretty much nothing to define the decade, except for the rise of the $16 H&M sack dress, the realization that ipods are really attractive and that everything from homewares to candy should look just like them and the revival of the late 80s and 90s which is not so much horrifying because those were ugly times, but because we all know the mid-late 90s will be hot on their heels.

Some Musings on Silk and Crotch Bulges

I've had these photos saved for a long time, but have not done a post about this yellow silk jumpsuit until now, despite it's extreme awfulness. I think it's from Topshop, and it's a real throwback to a simpler time, aka 1989.

>What it really reminds me of washed silk, which was this stonewashed silk that was really popular around 1994. My mom had jewel tone pieces in turquoise and magenta in this awful fabric, which had a sort of dusty, stonewashed quality to it. In fact, I owned a pink washed silk vest. Why would you buy a silk vest for a child? Or, for that matter, multiple silk vests, which is really what I had? This jumpsuit isn't really washed silk, but it is silk, which is a fabric that really had it's last heyday in the 80's. People are always trying to tell you that silk is really valuable, but obviously it got devalued or more mass-produced at some time in the 80's, and now silk is no longer a marker of quality and is sold at Target (though it is a much nicer fabric, than, say, polyester.) I wonder what a silk fabric factory is like, and if it is really full of silkworms?

Anyway, back to this terrible jumpsuit, which is very, very Dressing Sexy, that 1980's fashion advice book that tells you to wear harem pants and jewel tone silks and saggy camisoles also in silk because it makes men with mustaches think of the boudoir instead. (Please click on the "Dressing sexy" label below for that particular post.) This is something that could easily be found in a thrift shop but is being produced new- despite its horrible, saggy, paunch-producing baggy front. Like, do people purchasing the "new" pleated pants not see the above-crotch bulge? Is it a point of pride or what???