Ugly Urban: Making Sweatshirts Matter

Urban Outfitters is collaborating with a fresh batch of designers- designers with names like Wood Wood. Speaking of Wood Wood, let's see what Wood Wood has to offer!

I like this model because her face seems to be saying it all, and there isn't much more to say than "Damn, this is ugly."

This is by "Stolen Girlfriends Club" which is kind of like the name of a Beat Happening song, except Beat Happening would have rejected the corporate machine that produced this sweatshirt, preferring instead a baby tee with a sharpie cat on it worn by an underage girl. Says Urban Outfitters: The rules of New Zealand's Stolen Girlfriends Club: a youthful rebellious spirit, a healthy sense of humor and the ability to entertain and make things matter. Talk about meaningless drivel! Here they are making a gray sweatshirt with fringe matter, and all for the low low price of $234. It is really in the style of the 80's/Jerri Blank fringed shirt, already mentioned here.


This is called a Yeti bolero because it is reminiscent of the famed snow monster. This dynamic piece, $234, is paired with saggy high waisted pants. Everyone is wearing the short shorts version of these pants this summer, making it the summer of the saggy ass.

It's pretty hard to imagine someone paying $200 for this. It seems like an insult to people in war-torn countries who wear stuff like this because they have no choice.

Too bad I can't manage to paste in the back view of these Shakuhachi Cold as Ice Sweat Pants, which are $248, because it's a doozy. Why are young people today doing this to themselves?! Those band-aid colored shoes aren't doing this look any favors, either.

Here's another gem by Wood Wood, a "pullover sweatshirt...topped with a ghostly graphic at the front." I love when the fronts of things are topped with stuff, especially when the ghostly graphic is a leaf with eyes on it. Am I missing something here? Something this sweatshirt is topped with seems off....but what?

Trend Report From American Apparel: Sagging Mauve

These are from their vintage selection, priced at $38. As far as shorts go, it is difficult to get more unflattering than this. And shorts are often extremely unflattering.

Here are some more of their lovely pants in similar styles, from their hot new line, "1993 Hospital Waiting Room."

Yes, whether it is greige, mauve, beige or a washed-out puce, they offer a stunning array of colors and looks.


Or maybe those pale mint poly pleated pants were too sleek-looking. so how about this really, really dumpy looking skirt, which is made of polyester khaki chiffon? I already made fun of a very similar skirt, but whatever. The very first post I made on this blog was to hate on American Apparel, and that was three years ago. And look where I am today!!!


I am sooo sick of these dishrag-y tank tops that are always in this dingy color and hang down saggily in order to reveal your naked sides and bra. This one is a particularly fetching design.

Or what about this also polyester but pink polyester satin scarf? It's $26!!! My theory is that American Apparel has tons of scraps lying around and to make use out of them, they're like, "Use this leftover fabric for a 'Wrap It Yourself' beret or take these colored strings and braid them into a 'String Harness' for only thirty bucks!"

Speaking of unflattering shorts, everyone is wearing these 90's style shorts right now. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what makes them so ugly, because I like the idea of high-waisted shorts, but everyone looks really lumpen in this particular style. I think they smush down people's butts while simultaneously creating a pouch-like area in front. In fact, you might say even say that the fupa/flat ass look is the look du jour.

Ohmygod what the hell these clothes are so unbelievably ugly. Like, what the hell?! Do you know what I'm saying here??????? What is wrong with everyone????

More gross tops that look like they are from the 1994 Victoria's Secret catalogue. The textured one is nylon and costs $78. Basically, you are paying money to look like what Dov Charney jerked off to in the 90's. It's a real honor.


Speaking of being jerked off on, here are the photos they show on the website for their $64 jersey sheet set, which comes, exclusively, in white and gray, perhaps the grossest color for sheets. I know all American Apparel ads look like this, but maybe this one is a little more haunting? A little more of a human-trafficking vibe? Oh, who even knows anymore. It's all so distasteful.

Best of Lookbook: We Still Love Saggy Clothing, Looking Waifish

This is entitled "coffee & novels" even though I bet he is really drinking a skim soy latte. This guy seems very influenced by the Olsen Twins. I say he can do better! I'm tired of people saying gay gays dress better than straight men. They both dress bad. I guess this guy has some flair, but it's misplaced. A few more examples:

It's like they're in a costume, but they don't know what they are supposed to be. I guess I appreciate the campiness of it, but I think lots of gays seem to dress in parodies in a sort of version of masculinity, hence the the male cast of Jersey Shore in the Village Voice queer issue, illustrating the "guido ideal." But these looks, like all the looks here, are desperately high-fashiony, except I guess the guy in the headband, who looks more Portland 2008. No one seems influenced by anything cool or really belonging to an interesting subculture, just by what is trendy.






This is a big look for girls. It's a kind of swaddled, diapery look. Everyone is into pants with saggy apendages, like dropped crotches and voluminous ankles. More neutral. More 90's. I think maybe the two bottom ones are wearing the same flowy skort? Isn't it weird that not long ago these ladies would be wearing low-rise Sevens and Juicy suits? Like the guy above, they strive for a rumpled "I just threw this flowy skort on," look.




Also hot: tucking something voluminous into a pair of 501 cut-offs and posing with a fashion hunch.



In: long hair for the ladies. But, not curly, wild long fair. That's gross. It's lank and straight, like the pleats in your shorts. And bowler hats and faux vintage sunglasses and skorts or at least a really big shirt with no pants. Standing knock-kneed and unsteadily, as usual.

Who wore the Smiths T-Shirt Better Competition:

That first guy looks your sixth-grade dream date, whereas the second guy is doing the ubiquitous pigeon-toed 90's floral thing. Which goes to show that gay guys dress no better than straight guys, but also that everyone also dresses the same, basically. Also, that everyone is, as usual, harboring the delusion that they alone control how they dress.

Ugly Things I Saw at Bloomingdales

These Micheal Kors shoes were such terrible monstrosities. I don't know how people walk in these things, or why they walk in them. Michael Kors is such a hack. He has his name on zillions of pink windbreakers and other low-quality crap made in China, and he is such a jerk on that terrible show no one watches anymore, Project Runway. So many 'designer' names are totally meaningless, and represent nothing but the fact that the "designer" signed an agreement four years ago. But like celebrity names, I guess they sell a brand, or in this case, hideous shoes.

Believe it or not, this was not in the "Barbara Bush Summers in Nantucket" collection. This was in the young! hip! trendy! section. I know they are going for prep, but no true prep would wear that aborted Snuggie in the middle. Anyway, we are reaching some really frumpy times. I wonder if, next in fashion, we will go back to the mid 80's Mormon look, with boxy skirts hovering around our ankles, wide puffed sleeves and a huge collar- more of a Jessica McClintock/ Laura Ashley look. We're already half way there! More than half way, really.

Edited to add later: enlarge that second photo to see the horrible crotch on the pants!

Mad About Urban Outfitters

Hey, does anyone remember the show Mad About You? Boring Helen Hunt, the always grating Paul Reiser, sort of yuppies, the 90's? You know, as a kid you will watch almost anything: Professional Wrestling, Weekend at the Apollo, Home Improvement...but when the Mad About You theme song began, I couldn't change the channel fast enough (I feel the opening credits clearly show why.) As the blandest of "adult" sitcoms, focusing on adorable relationship foibles, it was everything I hated about TV, and to top it all off, it looked SO boring.

And, without further adieu, I bring you some new Urban Outfitters clothes, clearly inspired by the puffy chambray shirts and unnecessary vests of Paul Reiser and the high-waisted faded jeans and boxy blazers of Helen Hunt. You know, designers spend thousands researching their inspirations, but why bother when such sartorial splendor is only a remote-click away?

Ohmygooood this is so ugly. I just don't understand why anyone would want to wear something like this. What draws you in? If you want to look like absolutely nothing [ie, Helen Hunt], why pay so much for it? This is $100!!!


This is a stonewashed shirt- very Paul Reiser! It also comes in bleached chambray and tie-dye, to be worn for more of a "world music" look! Did you know these are just old shirts Urban Outfitters hand "splatter bleach finished?" What can't those geniuses do?


Alright, probabaly no one on Mad About You would wear this- maybe a kooky aunt? Anyway, what is going on here?! A faux fur vest paired with a washed silk oversized blouse? If you're going to wear a faux fur vest, even one this ugly, at least try for a little glam rock panache a la Brian Eno in his Roxy Music days! Why is everyone so willing to wear fugly, strange clothes like harem pants but only in the most muted and boring ways possible???





Once, not long ago, I worked at a very trendy vintage store that happened to be located right near Urban Outfitters headquarters. The store was full of hipsters and 90's stuff that flew off the shelves. Occasionally some young ladies wearing a belted oversized silk blouse and whatnot would come in and buy a lot of stuff with the Urban Outfitters credit card, so they could be "inspired" by the stuff for their designs, then manufacture brand new copies of this shit and sell them for far more than even our jacked-up prices. And everyone at my job would be like, "They don't even go to real thrift stores! The stuff is already picked out for them! Easiest job ever!"

Indeed. One would almost think, to make this garment, an "Urban" buyer closed their eyes and plunged straight into the next available sale rack, but I guess it was carefully chosen? This blouse looks like the kind of blouse they still sell at stores that have displays like this out front.

So ugly and 90's and boring and ill-fitting and weird. And so paired with an off-white silk blouse. We truly are moving into the mid 90's as "vintage" and "inspirational." Isn't Urban Outfitters worried that soon they will have covered the whole 90's and then we are going to end up overlapping even more and nothing will be "in" or "out" anymore? Also, how are they ever going to "draw inspiration" from the 2000s as nothing original happened through out the entire decade, fashion wise? Maybe these purses will come back? Who knows? Start buying everything, because tomorrow it could be popular!

PS: "They're not going to like my NYPD Shoe sketch! It's basically the same thing!"