Cute Dress/Britney Spears

Dear Readers,
Here is another installment of "Things I Lost on eBay." Anyway, this mid-late 30's day dress is the fucking cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. Ohmygod, it's so cute, but it went for $84. Not that it isn't worth it. I bought another real cute one from the same seller though, so I shouldn't be too sad. Even though I can't afford it. Sometimes I dream I am Eva Longoria and I can just buy every early 40's/late 30's dress available.

I also didn't win this one, which is totally cute:



In other news, I'm pretty excited to watch "Britney: For the Record" right now. Lately I've been thinking a lot about her decline and fall, and honestly it would kind of suck if she just went back to being sunny, shallow Britney the star when, let's be honest, it was pretty awesome when she shaved her head and tried to attack the papparazzi with an umbrella. I feel it's an appropriate reaction to being involved with Star Search at a young age. Now she's trying to act all normal and stuff. I think she's in denial!

More People Who Are Famous for Some Reason

Following my previous post about female star(let)s of dubious talent (whose happiness I happen to be extremely jealous of) and whose fame is due entirely to connections they have, here is a new post about the daughters of aged rock musicians!

First of all, even though no one really cares about them, we have the Richards sisters, daughters of Keith Richards and some model whose name I actually do know is Patti Hansen. The "some model" aspect is very important, because having a model mother means you are tall and skinny, but having a rock star father means you have cachet. Anyway, I first read about the Richards sisters in Vogue a long time ago, and they're basically very boring and are kind of preppy Lauren Conrad types who probably don't know who the Rolling Stones are. But still, they are sort of lauded and always invited to show up at events and get modeling contracts like they didn't inherit Keith's forehead or something.
Also, if you want to see something uber-horrifying I came across in my google image search, I have posted it below:

Take that, Iggy Pop! And you thought you were withered! This is what Simone refers to as "looking like beef jerkey."

Then we have Daisy Lowe, who is like twelve or something:



When she first started getting popular, I assumed she was the daughter of singer-songwriter Nick Lowe, but actually she is the forgotten love child of Gavin Rossdale and someone. Are you still considered "rock royalty" if your father is Gavin Rossdale?

Anyway, model Daisy is known for this i-D magazine spread she did where her boyfriend grabbed her naked boobs (here is one of the less racy photos.) This was shot by "photog" Terry Richardson, who pioneered using flash in photos and shooting fifteen year olds in just a pair of children's underwear and a wolf mask on a motel bed. You know what I'm talking about- it's not misogyny- misogyny is dead. This is the "new misogyny!" Here's a good example. And another! Anyway, back to Daisy Lowe: much heralded as a British fashion icon, but, of course, if you look closely, she just looks like some girl you saw on the street five minutes ago.

Next we have Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart's daughter. As much as she tried, she never really pulled off that indie skank thing, and just got stuck in with simply skank. I decided to post her anyway because I can never resist a good nose job photo comparison. But seriously, she must feel bad that she ruined it so much by dressing like this and hanging out with Paris Hilton. After all, Rod Stewart is cooler than Gavin Rossdale.


Then, (shown in the second photo with Miss Lowe in the Doc Martens) there's Peaches Geldof (short for "Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa," sister to "Fifi" and "Pixie." Hey, how about just naming your daughters "Kandy Kanes" or "Mandee Melons?" ) But we all knew Bob Geldof was overly full of himself when you saw his Live Aid performance, right? Like everyone else on this list, she is a "model" and hosts a TV show in England. Apparently she also has a reputation for being condescending, and, according to Wikipedia, "Pete Doherty blamed his poor performance at 2005's Live 8 concert on Peaches making a 'suggestive' comment to him shortly before he went onstage, which the teenager denied." Haha. Anyway, she recently got married to some other nineteen year old but I think she's getting a divorce soon.

And to contrast with the ladies in this post, Cisco Adler, noted ex of Mischa Barton, Kimberly Stewart, and apparently Paris Hilton and Lauren Conrad. He is also the son of some LA music guy and was in a band like Keanu Reeves called "Whitestarr" and is known for being an allaround hipster/douche, but a lame LA hipster, not even a New York one. Also, googleimage search him for some of the most horrifying nude photos ever. 

Anyway, even though he's wildly hideous, since he's a guy he never had to get a nose job or a face reduction or whatever the hell would fix him. (If you've googleimaged him by now, you'll see that it's at least a balls reduction.) And because he's a guy he is actually in a band and plays an instrument (I mean, if you can call it that), which is equally frusturating as we all really wanted Nicole Richie's violin or whatever she supposedly plays career to get off the ground. But seriously, of course none of these woman are famous for anything besides wearing wet-look leggings, whereas we all know if Keith Richards had two sons they would sure as hell be in several bands right now. Like, I'm sure none of these people event taught their daughters to play instruments or anything.

So there are more (Lizzee Jagger, anyone?) but this post is already too long. Please let me know if you'd like more celeb spawn posts!

It's That Talentless Girl from The Hills! And She Looks Like Blossom!*

Here is a great example of a trend overload, on immensely talented performer/nose job recipient Ashley Tisdale. A bad trend overload. Now that all those trends that used to be reserved for the hipster set, from the "Indian inspired" Minnetonkas and Pocohantas bands to an overuse of scarves to oversized glasses to old lady purses, to huge men's v-neck t-shirts, have been taken up by all the preppy girls, the only way you can even tell a hipster from a standard mall JAP these days is the Mystic tan, am I right?

Anyway, Ashley has on a myriad of hipster-to-normal trends, starting with an ugly oversized t-shirt that is supposed to look like vintage but was probably $60 at Diesel. Also, a horribly fugly Chanel "vintage" style bag. Again, this mom-purse trend with the long straps is real hot. One of my fashion pet peeves, as I have mentioned many times before, is a carrying a bag that is not appropriate for the look. Usually, ladies tote around elaborate leather purses with lots of hardware and pair them with their sundresses or Juicy suits or whatever. This is no exception. I know in her case, it's supposed to look funky, but really it looks tired, besides being totally inappropriate. Then the colored jean, which we are all sick off. And finally, fringed Uggs! Uggs are out (sort of) and Minnatonkas are in so we'll just combine them!

At first thought, I didn't see Ashley, I saw her feet, and I thought she was someone with that "tree" disease as seen on TLC that perhaps some of us have been horrified by. Speaking of which, TLC should rename itself "The Sideshow Network" because every single thing on it is like, "Two Ton Dad!" "Two Ton Mom!" "The Littlest People in the World!" "The Man Who's Arms Exploded!" I mean, I'm not saying I don't watch these specials on occasion, but it's interesting to note that the freak show is still alive and well, albeit with a thin veneer of "education" over it.

Alright, I'm done talking about that. now, moving on to someone from The Hills! A lesser person from The Hills! Whitney Port! Who's that? Some ho!


Auggghhhh!!! It's so 90's! Remember how often things were selectively plaid all the time in the 90's? Maybe you had a jean jacket with plaid flannel sleeves and a hood? Or a pair of overalls with a plaid pocket? Well, we all know that this has been the year that plaid and flannel have surged out of control because we're all so ready for the grunge era #2, so plaid patchwork is probably coming soon.


Just look at it! It's so shapelessly short and boxy. Is this a new garment or is it from 1992? Is she wearing friendship bracelets, too??? Seriously, are those John Lennon glasses with the purple lenses going to come back soon? I had a pair of those I thought were really cool and this one extremely cold winter when I visited my family on the east coast my mother and I got our picture in the paper and I was wearing them because I thought it would keep the cold out of my face and my grandfather framed the photo even though I looked strangely deformed in it. Probably due largely in part to the glasses.

Here are some predictions for Fall '09:

*I tried to think of a different title because I feel I mention Blossom too much on this blog, and haven't I used this reference before? Probably.

I Love the 70's (and late 60's): Shoe Edition

I love looking at vintage clothing not only because vintage is just, like, way cuter and more interesting to look at than modern stuff, but because (as corny as it sounds), vintage clothing tells a story. Because clothing and everything else wasn't just mass-produced in some far-off factory in those days, and trends didn't change with lightning speed, and everything was made with far more care and far better materials, vintage clothing reflects not only a high quality of workmanship but a window into a time and place, whether it was a pair of sky-high platforms made for doing the hustle at Studio 54 or much-mended feedsack dress altered to fit changing styles during the Depression. (That's right, people used to mend things. And unlike that acrylic sweater sack you just bought at H&M, they weren't supposed to sprout holes upon first wearing.)

So here are some vintage shoes!Okay, these shoes I am thinking about buying because I was convinced they were an exact copy of the shoes David Bowie is wearing in this post (the only Rip It To Shreds post, by the way, with the coveted "drunken ramblings" tag), but, on closer inspection, they really are not all that similar. I mean, they are similar, but there's nothing eerie about the resemblance. But no matter. These 70's thigh high boots, which are a size 4 so they would fit me but no one else, are still the epitome of all that is glam rock and what I wanted to wear at a tender young age when I thought I dressed glam rock all the time even though really I was just wearing lots of rhinestone bracelets and Steve Madden platforms. If I had had shoes like these, I could have stomped to school like a little, authentic glitter drag queen. Except we all know glam rockers don't stomp, they do fey little leaps.


Sadly, these 70's suede platforms are not my size. If they were I would buy them. Once, in this blog, I associated the 70's with the words "clunky psychedelic earthiness", and all those words definitely reflect in these babies. They remind me quite a bit of one of my favorite 70's artists (ALSO mentioned in this blog before), Peter Max, who kind of epitomized that art nouveau meets psychedelia thing that was so prevalent in the 60's and 70's, and later went on to make a lot of fugly 80's art, characterized by overly large canvases and bright colors. Anyway, the best image I could find was this one, which is not so amazing but i guess had something to do with Woodstock? Hey, what didn't in the 60's? Am I right?


Also, in the late 60's Peter Max had a line of sneakers that Marc Jacobs did some chintzy rip-offs when he was more inspired. Check out these original Peter Max sneakers, though- so cool! As previously mentioned again, his star print sheets (I also have a scarf) are some of my prized possessions.



And these are just insane:

Bizarre 70's bandanna print platforms. Kind of disco, kind of picnic in the park, 100% meant to be worn with hot pants.

Inspiration: Vintage Criminals

Mug shot of Valerie Lowe, 15 February 1922, Central Police Station, Sydney
Originally uploaded by juffrouwjo

Mug shot of Sidney Kelly, 25 June 1924, Central Police Station, Sydney
Originally uploaded by juffrouwjo

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The woman in the fab 30's knit dress is Bonnie, of Bonnie and Clyde, who is also seen embracing him in the other photo, and the guy in the sweater with the multiple shots was involved in the Lincoln assasination. Check out this Flickr page for more!

Urban Outfitters: Still Ugly

This is ugly and stupid and all, and as everyone else I am so sick of screenprints that I think I might puke, but the real reason I wanted to post this is the name: Nothing Sacred by Obesity and Speed Keyhole Back Cami Yes, that's right, Urban Outfitters, that hip, hip, underground clothing store now has a line called "Obesity and Speed." Take that, "Truly Madly Deeply!" Or "Made By Elves!" Or "Silence & Noise!" Or "Coincidence & Chance!" Or "Sparkle & Fade", which is an Everclear reference but I guess that slipped through the cracks. Or "Black Milk!" What asshole is being paid to dream up these retarded brand names for Urban Outfitters? I can do it, too. Here are some names that I think are hip right now: "Mice & Horse." "Leaf & Gnome." "Fawn & Anorexia."

Besides the fact that this fits completely terribly and has no shape and is scrunchy and weird-looking, it's $78 and made of polyester. Polyester with lurex in it, in a bid for most "bebe Holiday '97" look possible. Please look at fabric content when you buy clothing- almost anything made of a crappy synthetic fabric is not worth paying for. By the way, this is from the C. Ronson line, (sister of those other Ronsons who don't deserve to be famous even though obviously I support gay Lindsay) which long ago Naira told me I should write a post about because it's all overpriced crap paid for through nepotism. Anyway, I think you're supposed to pair it with the following C. Ronson droopy tank, also $78 and polyester:
Horrible! I see the models are looking as vivacious as ever. Also, now their heads are mostly cropped off in the photos for that porny American Apparel look.

Who is styling these shots? I was going to suggest a crackwhore, but it really looks more like they took a sixty-year-old guy on the street ad asked him to pair together the sexiest looks he could find. And he found a fringed tank top and a brown leather mini skirt which by the way you could walk into any Goodwill and find for $4 right now. Why are these two items being put together? Do people buy fringed things? Do fringed things ever look non-ugly or non-tacky (see Conrad, Lauren)? If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: if you're going to dress slutty, please be colorful, glamorous, and over-the-top tacky about it! What is the point of being a slut clad in sad neutrals?

We all knew the Kelly Bundy look was coming back (somethig I clearly support; I have always admired her style. Seriously.*) but what about an early 90's skank look combined with that of a matador? Huh? Personally, I would buy it simply because it's from their creative "Urban Renewal" line, where they "rework" vintage clothes into something superhot. I've been attracted to it ever since going to an Urban Outfitters in like eighth grade and seeing they had all these pilled, scabby looking used hoodie sweatshirts that had been "revamped" with pyramid studs and were on sale for $65. Well, at $58, here's another steal!



OhmyGOD. What the HELL. Who would buy this ($118) thing based on this image? Apparently some girl who has reviewed it, claiming not only that she has not tried it, but that it has a "good fit." That armpit cleavage thing that happens with strapless dresses is so unfortunate. You know, one of my first posts ever was to warn people away from the then-hot trend of wearing skirts as dresses. I would also like to warn people from wearing dresses that look like skirts.

*Seriously!

Weak Ass Halloween Costumes and the "Celebrities" Who Wear Them

So lately I have not really had any time to post, or call anyone back, or do anything for some reason. But I'm trying to keep up a better posting schedule, and then I thought, how about another post about how I hate Lauren Conrad, but this time, focusing on her crappy Halloween costume? How about, in fact, changing the name of this blog to ihatelaurenconrad.blogspot.com? Anyway, nice "flapper" outfit! Is it really so hard to put on period makeup and hair and get something that actually resembles a dress from the 20's? No, it's not. Especially when you have makeup artists and millions of dollars (for some reason) at your disposal. She looks like she got the costume from the dress-up bin at the Ye Olde Tyme Photo Booth down at the Six Flags. She probably doesn't even know what a flapper is. To illustrate, below is one of my favorite photos of Clara Bow. Who knew they had gold slouch boots in the 20's?

On the plus/non-hating Lauren Conrad side, one of my favorite bloggers, the aforementioned Tricia Royal of Bits and Bobbins, posted my outfit photo on her wardobe_remixers of the week post. Thanks! And if you don't know who I am, perhaps it will be fun to guess based on various withering comments I've made on this blog!