Ugly UO Item of the Day: The Ethnic Fanny Pack

I know I do too many Urban Outfitters posts, but come on! Look at this suede fringed pouch belt, called the Native American Belt Bag! What kind of a huge tool is going to wear this? I know it's supposed to be worn in that Joanna Newsom/boho/Kate Moss/neo-hippie type of way, but neither of them would be foolish enough to strap this onto themselves. Sure it was obnoxious when actual, 1960's hippies appropriated that they considered native, but what is our modern teen going to do with this? I'll tell you: store their Devendra Banhart-filled Ipod in there, with other tools of the man.

All That's Missing is the Blossom Hat

The denim vest trend- or, the attempted denim vest trend, as no one in real life actually wears denim vests, is bad enough. But when you pair your denim vest with another item- the floral rayon dress that comes from the same time period (1995) and evokes the middle school teacher, that takes the look into new territory. You might think this picture was from 1996, even, if you didn't spot that little hangy heart necklace from Urban Outfitters or whatever, 2007ing up the outfit. Why stop at the vest, anyway? How about a pair of wraparound Oakleys and some Airwalks? A faux-Victorian choker? Something crushed velvet or washable silk? What about a nice floppy denim hat with a big sunflower on the brim? When are those going to come back?

The Golden Bag

To my two readers: I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, but if you've been hankering for something fugly, please check out Lindsay Lohan's staggeringly trendy look on the left.

In Thai restaurants, you can order an appetizer called "Golden Bags," and Lindsay's billowy, metallic mess of an outfit could also be accurately described by such a name.

Perhaps the dress might work if it was paired with opaque black tights, minimal accessories, and ballet flats for that whole trendy "I wish I was Edie Sedgwick" thing that is so hot right now, but adding a million bracelets that look like they came from the dollar store, as well as one of those bloated, over-grommeted designer "it bags", just emphasizes the inherent tackiness of the dress. Does it not look like it was made from the curtains of a 1970's bordello? And what are those, sheer hose? What kind of sick look is this?

PS: Rompers, a Revisit

After looking at rompers/onesies on eBay, I found this novelty print, pallazo pant, 70's jumpsuit for sale. It's covered with trees and horses and stuff, and is made of polyester, and I feel that it's kind of amazing, and what a vintage appreciator might call "a period piece." What is most exciting is to think about who possibly could have been the original, intended wearer- a 70's housewife looking to invest in some hostess pajamas? Anyway, I sort of want it- just think, you could always shorten it to a real romper and make it that much more wearable.

Ugly UO Items of the Day: The Drab Onesie

Now, onesies are truly one of the trashiest and hilariously named garments out there, but if there's one thing a onesie should be, I say "fun." After all, a onesie is basically a jumpsuit with shorts attached, and they are also referred to as "rompers", another name that indicates that you know, babies wear them. For instance, over the summer I saw this lady in the Lower East Side wearing a kelly green, terry cloth onesie that covered about as much as a swimsuit, even though she was in the middle of a city. It was a very Suzanne Somers on Three's Company look, and it was heinous and inappropriate, but at least it had that lighthearted, freewheelin' feeling.

Not these onesies, though. These are by far the drabbest onesies I have ever seen. On the left we have Lux Linen Utility Onesy (to me, the spelling is "onesie" and "onesie" only) which looks like a hybrid between a mechanic's jumspuit and those "cyber" clothes that got popular around 1998. The super high-looking model is trying to sex it up, but I would say the look is more confusing than provocative. On the right is the hilariously named Lux Linen Romper Onsie, (sent to me by reader/BFF/sole commentor Simone of the Accordion Connection) which looks like it was designed for East German schoolchildren at summer camp, but not in a good way. Either way, these mud colored, sack-like, linen onesies have really got me down. And, in a sad, strange way, longing for a nice sherbet-colored one like this, to pair with my gold platforms and Mystic tan and such.

Nu Rave...I Think

Remember ravers? Remember how in the early to mid 90's people were still into raving, and wearing plastic children's jewelery they charmingly referred to as "candy" and doing a lot of ecstasy and apparently some people did so much ecstasy they didn't have happiness left or something? Have you ever wished rave-related music and fashion, after that long, long absence would come back, but with more of an ironic feel, a more self-consciously ugly thing going on? How about if it was dressed in sherbet orange leggings, a fanny pack, teal framed glasses, and some loudly patterned straight-jacket looking thing?

To be honest, I don't know if the people above are "Nu Rave" technically, but whatever. According to Wikipedia, it's "a style of music fusing elements of electronic dance music and rock, which developed in the UK in 2006." Whether nu rave is a media construct or a legitimate style of music (who am I kidding, there is no way a band named Shitdisco is going to be good), nu rave has been mentioned many times in terms of fashion, and tends to be associated with the bright colors/gold chains/neon resurgence/extremely fugly look shown above. Anyway, it doesn't matter if nu rave really is Electroclash all over again (remember when people used that word all the time? Ha.) because fashion trends don't need to be connected with authentic musical ones to catch on, and spread like a horrible disease through the youth of America and Western Europe.

Trends Done Right

Here I am presenting a new section, tentatively titled "Trends Done Right," even though that sounds kind of bad. These three babydoll style tops were found, shockingly enough, on Alloy.com. I remember Alloy as the junior catalogue from my youth that was full of subversive "alternative" looks, like camo print pants that had legs so wide three people could have probably fit into them. Now it's been bought by some huge corporation, and has puzzling category names like "Diva" and "Flirt" and "Life" besides just clothes. And it actually has some cute stuff, and seems to be a mix of Forever 21 style tops and more sophisticated, well-designed stuff than you usually see on the junior market. (Of course, they could all look like crap in person, but whatever.)

Anyway, the three tops above all have elements of the babydoll look, but manage to reign it in in a way that this top, for instance, does not. The blue one on the far left is my favorite, combining a sort of military/40's thing with the the current empire waist and dolly look. The middle one is reminiscent of the tent shape, but because it's not voluminous, it has a nice, crisp look to it- plus the hot pink makes for an unexpected jolt of color in a season where everybody is supposed to be wearing mustard. The last top could be really sacky on, but based on the photo, the proportions are in control and it still looks like it has a definite shape. Plus the floral detail and piping around the collar make it unique and vintagey, which is always a plus.

In conclusion, the straight-up babydoll look is not for everyone, but elements of it can certainly be taken and still remaining flattering to the body and cute whether or not they fit into a certain trend. All three of these could even probably dressed up for work or something equally classy, and of course would look cute with skinny jeans. Just don't pair them with pleated shorts, or the dreaded "long skirt" that the fashion world appears to be now pushing on us.