Horrifying and Horrible Things I have Found on eBay Lately

This went for like $160! Huge blazers are getting their sleeves scrunched up these days, in order to distract you from the fact that you are wearing a huge blazer.

This dress was identified as being by the designer Kathi Lee. God, I wish I could go back in time to a Wal-Mart in 1996 and get these fresh off the racks!

Now it's not just shapeless short floral 90's dresses, but the long Mormon-y ones have also hit the scene. If you don't believe me, look at this photo of fashion icon Lindsay Lohan:

Also, this jumpsuit photo is worth posting:

The shape of this makes for an unsettling look.

Oh god, it's rayon floral shorts attached to a denim top! And it has two bids.

Isn't this darling? I'm also predicting these denim and chambray pieces embroidered with Winnie the Pooh and friends but made for adult women are what simply everyone will be wearing by fall. One needs only add strappy platform bondage heels and a bowler hat. In the parlance of fashion blogs, I am totally "coveting" and "obsessing" over these!

Urban Outfitters in Charge, of Our Hopes, and Our Dreams...

Hey, I'm back. Back with yet another Urban Outfitters post, brought to you today by those timeless style icons, the cast of Saved by the Bell and the slightly weaker Saved by the Bell rip-off I used to watch on Saturday mornings, California Dreams (the theme song promised "Surfer dudes with attitude" and they certainly delivered.) Also, some Charles in Charge thrown in.

You know, my last Urban Outfitters post was so popular that I got over thirty responses- thirty of which I had to delete because they were all Japanese porn-related--- from those lured in, I can only assume, by the loaded combination of words I had inadvertantly made part of the post, words that included pussy/naked/Japanese/model. Will it happen again? Also, why are people posting on my blog when there is plenty of real pornography on the internet? Anyway, more creative posts are coming, but for now, this is easy and stuff.
First of all....


Ohmygod!!!!!! An oversized purple or teal washed silk blouse!!!! Ohmygod! This is what my mother wore in 1991. It is everything that is bad about the early 90's- the boxy shapelessness, the bright yet somehow passive color, the washed silk. You know, whilst recently watching an episode of Golden Girls, I zeroed in on Bea Arthur's outfit, and realized I need only add leggings to make it completely indistinguishable from that of a sexy youngster of today. I could totally see that teal blouse on Dorothy. In a peacock blue (also on the website), on Blanche.


Yeah. The first and last are elastic waist skirts, "refashioned" (a pocket's been added!!!!) by those at Urban Outfitters. These skirts are not even Saved By the Bell, the first couple of seasons. They are 1996 Saved by the Bell. The New Class, people. As for the sleeveless chambray blouse tucked into the skirts, it just goes to show that we learn nothing from the mistakes we have made in history. Not that I was going to make a Holocaust reference and thought better of it or anything.

Actually, I have nothing against this skirt itself (the top is another story) except the fact that all these full, high-waisted skirts so popular these days (and I love full, high-waisted skirts) are all made so fucking short! They look beyond infantile! Suddenly, it's super frumpy to have anything longer than knee length! On ebay, vintage sellers are destroying vintage dresses by hemming them into awkward minis! Then everyone's going to end up hating all their clothes because they are so weirdly short when hemlines end up dropping again!

Okay, this skirt on the right I do have something against. It's very Jessie Spano, though, so worth being in this post.















And lastly, these pants. These high-waisted chambray pants. These pants you can probably buy in a Sunday coupon book for $9.99, right next to the oh-so-lifelike sleeping premature baby doll named Baby Chriseee that costs only six installments of $29.99. If I was the stylist for Urban Oufitters, the pants would be paired with a holiday sweater and the model would be cradling that doll, and everything would be snug in its natural environment.

PS: Edited to add for no reason! Horrifying photos of baby dolls from the internets! Aughhhh! If there is any more proof that we need feminism to be a part of people's lives, it is the fact that women actually purchase these dolls.

More Hope 4 the New Year: Accessories

Remember how I mentioned that Blossom hats were going to come back? And crushed velvet? And how I'm sick of face paint as a hipster accessory?

Well, here is hipter-cum-model Ikeline Stange or something like that wearing both those things. Probably her John Lennon glasses are stashed in her JNCOs, out of the frame of the photo.

Speaking of which, here are a few more trends I've railed against and I'm hoping we'll see the end of this new year, this time featuring Iekielene or however you spell it, who seems to know a thing or two about wearing seventeen trends at once:

Pocohontas bands! I can imagine the feeling of giddy pleasure one may have had after tying a leather shoelace around one's head back in 2006, but wouldn't you feel really foolish by 2009? Shouldn't some of the allure be lost by now? Now that Lindsay Lohan has done it?






Huge glasses! This blog was pratically started to make fun of people wearing these glasses, and it was started in February of 2006! 2006! How come neon is already practically dead but people are still wearing these damn glasses?

Lastly, the bowler hat.

We've seen enough of this hat, whether you are wearing it with an oversized 80's blouse and a vest, or a sloppy layered scarf, or a crushed velvet 90's dress and a vest, or an oversized v-neck and a vest, or have a sunflower glued to it. 

We don't need accessories. They don't hold up our pants or cover up our genitals. Rarely does a bowler hat keep the head warm. So wearing a douchey, overplayed accessory is that much worse because you don't need to place it on your head, guys. 

Okay, after this I promise I'm not going to talk about Blossom awhile. Maybe a couple days. I might switch to Clarissa Explains it All. Or Samantha Mathis in Pump of the Volume. We'll see.

PS:

Samantha Mathis in Pump up the Volume:

Also, I'm not, like, against accessories or something. I'm just saying that, since they're not exactly foundational when it comes to wardrobes, they should be the first to go when they get extremely overplayed/were never cute in the first place. (See the "Too Much" tag for more.)

It's That Talentless Girl from The Hills! And She Looks Like Blossom!*

Here is a great example of a trend overload, on immensely talented performer/nose job recipient Ashley Tisdale. A bad trend overload. Now that all those trends that used to be reserved for the hipster set, from the "Indian inspired" Minnetonkas and Pocohantas bands to an overuse of scarves to oversized glasses to old lady purses, to huge men's v-neck t-shirts, have been taken up by all the preppy girls, the only way you can even tell a hipster from a standard mall JAP these days is the Mystic tan, am I right?

Anyway, Ashley has on a myriad of hipster-to-normal trends, starting with an ugly oversized t-shirt that is supposed to look like vintage but was probably $60 at Diesel. Also, a horribly fugly Chanel "vintage" style bag. Again, this mom-purse trend with the long straps is real hot. One of my fashion pet peeves, as I have mentioned many times before, is a carrying a bag that is not appropriate for the look. Usually, ladies tote around elaborate leather purses with lots of hardware and pair them with their sundresses or Juicy suits or whatever. This is no exception. I know in her case, it's supposed to look funky, but really it looks tired, besides being totally inappropriate. Then the colored jean, which we are all sick off. And finally, fringed Uggs! Uggs are out (sort of) and Minnatonkas are in so we'll just combine them!

At first thought, I didn't see Ashley, I saw her feet, and I thought she was someone with that "tree" disease as seen on TLC that perhaps some of us have been horrified by. Speaking of which, TLC should rename itself "The Sideshow Network" because every single thing on it is like, "Two Ton Dad!" "Two Ton Mom!" "The Littlest People in the World!" "The Man Who's Arms Exploded!" I mean, I'm not saying I don't watch these specials on occasion, but it's interesting to note that the freak show is still alive and well, albeit with a thin veneer of "education" over it.

Alright, I'm done talking about that. now, moving on to someone from The Hills! A lesser person from The Hills! Whitney Port! Who's that? Some ho!


Auggghhhh!!! It's so 90's! Remember how often things were selectively plaid all the time in the 90's? Maybe you had a jean jacket with plaid flannel sleeves and a hood? Or a pair of overalls with a plaid pocket? Well, we all know that this has been the year that plaid and flannel have surged out of control because we're all so ready for the grunge era #2, so plaid patchwork is probably coming soon.


Just look at it! It's so shapelessly short and boxy. Is this a new garment or is it from 1992? Is she wearing friendship bracelets, too??? Seriously, are those John Lennon glasses with the purple lenses going to come back soon? I had a pair of those I thought were really cool and this one extremely cold winter when I visited my family on the east coast my mother and I got our picture in the paper and I was wearing them because I thought it would keep the cold out of my face and my grandfather framed the photo even though I looked strangely deformed in it. Probably due largely in part to the glasses.

Here are some predictions for Fall '09:

*I tried to think of a different title because I feel I mention Blossom too much on this blog, and haven't I used this reference before? Probably.