Urban Outfitters: Lanker and Sadder as Plaid Gives in to Chambray

Ugh. This looks like a factory reject. It's so lumpy and awkward. it has this weird pointed drop-waist with slight gathering towards the crotch. It is plaid, which seems like it may give in to chambray as the 90's fabric of the moment. This is definitely pretty 90's looking, though- I'm surprised they're not urging you to wear it with a bodysuit. Also, the model. She is going to die. Her thighs are like the size of my upper arms.


I don't know about you guys, but I'm sick of the added bulk from layering two vests on top of each other. One always gets caught up in my batwings, the other stuck in the pleats of my acid washed shorts. That's why I'm so into this double vest, with a menswear-inspired one on top, and a chambray one on the bottom. It's like those t-shirts with the front of a vest attached to the front. Kind of a mind-fuck. Chambray? What is chambray, you ask? Your dad probably has or had had a chambray shirt. If you shopped at The Gap from 1992-1996, you probably saw one tucked into a pair of tapered khakis. It's like denim, but more washed out. It's like denim without the integrity! Fore more on chambray, check out the pic below:

Like the garment above and below, this is "handmade" and "the color of the chambray may vary." Why is this something that they are supposedly hand-making? Is it special in any way besides being an adaptation of an outfit Jerry Seinfeld wore? Also, I see it's being worn with black lace leggings? Also, again,  these models do not look well. At all.

Here's another chambray piece, in case you can't get enough.

This is more just chambray inspired:

This is called a "Tablecloth Dress" because apparently it's made from an old tablecloth. I am all for repurposing, but should the item really still look like a tablelcloth? Like all of Urban's clothes, this is just so lank and sad. It looks like what Samantha the Victorian American Girl's orphan friend wore when she got sent to the orphan train. Actually, on second thought, Nellie is dressed way cuter here and would probably never be caught dead in that thing.

This is called a "Slubby Cardigan" but I think it should be called a "schlubby" cardigan. God, why do people want to dress like this? Isn't there a soiled dishtowel laying around your house that you can drape over your shoulders instead of spending $58 on this thing? 

All these clothes look like the physical embodiment of the word "depression." Seriously, at least Nu Rave had some pizazz, some color, some life! That's what's so scary about the 90's coming back- the 90's were, aside from an odd Spice Girl or Cher Horowitz, the lankest decade yet. Even the rock stars were lank as hell! Everything was about not trying! It was the beginning of the end!!! If there's a 90's minimalism (aka the most boring fashion movement ever)  resurgence I say fashion is officially dead!!!!

More Hope 4 the New Year: Accessories

Remember how I mentioned that Blossom hats were going to come back? And crushed velvet? And how I'm sick of face paint as a hipster accessory?

Well, here is hipter-cum-model Ikeline Stange or something like that wearing both those things. Probably her John Lennon glasses are stashed in her JNCOs, out of the frame of the photo.

Speaking of which, here are a few more trends I've railed against and I'm hoping we'll see the end of this new year, this time featuring Iekielene or however you spell it, who seems to know a thing or two about wearing seventeen trends at once:

Pocohontas bands! I can imagine the feeling of giddy pleasure one may have had after tying a leather shoelace around one's head back in 2006, but wouldn't you feel really foolish by 2009? Shouldn't some of the allure be lost by now? Now that Lindsay Lohan has done it?






Huge glasses! This blog was pratically started to make fun of people wearing these glasses, and it was started in February of 2006! 2006! How come neon is already practically dead but people are still wearing these damn glasses?

Lastly, the bowler hat.

We've seen enough of this hat, whether you are wearing it with an oversized 80's blouse and a vest, or a sloppy layered scarf, or a crushed velvet 90's dress and a vest, or an oversized v-neck and a vest, or have a sunflower glued to it. 

We don't need accessories. They don't hold up our pants or cover up our genitals. Rarely does a bowler hat keep the head warm. So wearing a douchey, overplayed accessory is that much worse because you don't need to place it on your head, guys. 

Okay, after this I promise I'm not going to talk about Blossom awhile. Maybe a couple days. I might switch to Clarissa Explains it All. Or Samantha Mathis in Pump of the Volume. We'll see.

PS:

Samantha Mathis in Pump up the Volume:

Also, I'm not, like, against accessories or something. I'm just saying that, since they're not exactly foundational when it comes to wardrobes, they should be the first to go when they get extremely overplayed/were never cute in the first place. (See the "Too Much" tag for more.)

Urban Outfitters: Still Ugly

This is ugly and stupid and all, and as everyone else I am so sick of screenprints that I think I might puke, but the real reason I wanted to post this is the name: Nothing Sacred by Obesity and Speed Keyhole Back Cami Yes, that's right, Urban Outfitters, that hip, hip, underground clothing store now has a line called "Obesity and Speed." Take that, "Truly Madly Deeply!" Or "Made By Elves!" Or "Silence & Noise!" Or "Coincidence & Chance!" Or "Sparkle & Fade", which is an Everclear reference but I guess that slipped through the cracks. Or "Black Milk!" What asshole is being paid to dream up these retarded brand names for Urban Outfitters? I can do it, too. Here are some names that I think are hip right now: "Mice & Horse." "Leaf & Gnome." "Fawn & Anorexia."

Besides the fact that this fits completely terribly and has no shape and is scrunchy and weird-looking, it's $78 and made of polyester. Polyester with lurex in it, in a bid for most "bebe Holiday '97" look possible. Please look at fabric content when you buy clothing- almost anything made of a crappy synthetic fabric is not worth paying for. By the way, this is from the C. Ronson line, (sister of those other Ronsons who don't deserve to be famous even though obviously I support gay Lindsay) which long ago Naira told me I should write a post about because it's all overpriced crap paid for through nepotism. Anyway, I think you're supposed to pair it with the following C. Ronson droopy tank, also $78 and polyester:
Horrible! I see the models are looking as vivacious as ever. Also, now their heads are mostly cropped off in the photos for that porny American Apparel look.

Who is styling these shots? I was going to suggest a crackwhore, but it really looks more like they took a sixty-year-old guy on the street ad asked him to pair together the sexiest looks he could find. And he found a fringed tank top and a brown leather mini skirt which by the way you could walk into any Goodwill and find for $4 right now. Why are these two items being put together? Do people buy fringed things? Do fringed things ever look non-ugly or non-tacky (see Conrad, Lauren)? If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: if you're going to dress slutty, please be colorful, glamorous, and over-the-top tacky about it! What is the point of being a slut clad in sad neutrals?

We all knew the Kelly Bundy look was coming back (somethig I clearly support; I have always admired her style. Seriously.*) but what about an early 90's skank look combined with that of a matador? Huh? Personally, I would buy it simply because it's from their creative "Urban Renewal" line, where they "rework" vintage clothes into something superhot. I've been attracted to it ever since going to an Urban Outfitters in like eighth grade and seeing they had all these pilled, scabby looking used hoodie sweatshirts that had been "revamped" with pyramid studs and were on sale for $65. Well, at $58, here's another steal!



OhmyGOD. What the HELL. Who would buy this ($118) thing based on this image? Apparently some girl who has reviewed it, claiming not only that she has not tried it, but that it has a "good fit." That armpit cleavage thing that happens with strapless dresses is so unfortunate. You know, one of my first posts ever was to warn people away from the then-hot trend of wearing skirts as dresses. I would also like to warn people from wearing dresses that look like skirts.

*Seriously!

How Boys Should Dress

Here are some photos I saved on my computer of men's fashion. Today's theme is the well-groomed, 20's-esque dandy (not to be confused with the more adorned, foppish, 19th century dandy that I also enjoy.)

This is from some fashion spread. It is the gayest picture ever and I love it. Something about severely side-parted hair is so very retro and neat. Clearly they are all listening in through the door at the boys school on to other boys with side-parted hair jerking each other off.

These guys opened up a Viktor & Rolf fashion show last year. The mist, the tailcoats, the aforementioned side-parted hair, it's all so silent film. I love that they are dancing together too.

This is a film still from somewhere (sorry, I should really be checking my sources here), also looking more than a bit gay. I love that roll-neck cardigan with the tie, it's so proper-1920's man and looks so neat and cozy at the same time. It looks like he is wearing a high collar with rounded tips instead of pointy ones, which is also very 20's.

This is from The Sartorialist, and I think the guy is dressed for some Scottish something or other. Anyway, it is all pretty amazing, especially the matching tartan suitcase. Pulling off a double-breasted blazer with shorts is no mean feat, you know?

I'm pretty sure this is from Clara Bow's It (anyway, it's definitely Clara Bow) where she plays a shopgirl wooed by some homosexuals and wears lots of cute clothes. I love how, in silent films, men always wore tons of eyeliner with their perfect suits. I think this might have been some sort of holdover from stage makeup, and it always makes everyone seem like that much more of a glamorous dandy. The man in the forefront has the high rounded collar again, a cut-away jacket, and baggy pants- kind of a fancy version of the Charlie Chaplin look I talked about in an earlier post.
This is from the same fashion spread as the top pic. The plaid shirts and sweaters and vests look very 40's altogether.

This is from a Gucci fashion show at some point. I love the three-piece suits and the way they are all looking so ultra-snotty with their champagne flutes.

I guess I liked this image because it looked old even though it's just the kid who played Cedric in the Harry Potter movies. On second thought, he looks kind of thuggish compared to the more neatly-turned out men in this post. Where is your tie, young man?

This is from the Sartorialist too. Ohmygod, he's got a monocle! He looks like Teddy Roosevelt, and the way his red vest and handkerchief goes with his gray suit is great.

Ugly UO Items of the Whatever: Where is My Snap-Crotch Bodysuit?

I recently looked at my passport photo circa 1994, and I'm wearing a maroon thermal babydoll dress and this vest I got at the famed, now defunct Esprit outlet in South City (was it in South City? I don't know) that was made up of a sort of patchworky, men's tie style fabric in navy, grayish blue and maroon. It wasn't that ugly, actually, for 1994. I also accessorized it with a tiny fake cameo necklace. It was so Clarissa Explains It All!

Anyway, nobody is going to buy this fugly denim vest for $48. Not just because it's shapeless, and kind of acid washed, but because I SAW THIS DAMN VEST AT GOODWILL FOR $2 AND NOBODY WANTED IT.

This "Bird Printed Bianca Tunic" is a real gem. Now that everything is this weird length where it's too short to be a dress but too long to be a top, no one know what to do any more. Urban has solved this by just making it a skanky dress, but it's not like she looks alluring. She looks overmedicated (my god, the fast paced life of an Urban Outfitters model!) , and so do those sad little birds. Even though I've spoke in the past of how I'm sick of birds being stuck on everything, at least birds in general are pleasing to the eye. But they're not pleasing if they're lavender and stuck haphazardly on something teal. This whole look is just so depressing.

First of all, why does everything have to created in the murkiest of all colors? Why is everyone so afraid to wear, I don't know, red? Personally, I have trouble going out in public if I am wearing a gray sweater and jeans, and feel depressed and drab and "What would Dolly Parton think?" and all that, but finding cute things in a bright color that's not mustard nowadays is nearly impossible.

But let's get down to the business at hand, the Lux Andover Onepiece, a "menswear-inspired romper." Kind of like my menswear inspired Esprit vest. In fact, I think they may have actually copied this from a "vintage" 1994 design. I can just imagine the Urban designers staying up late at night, pausing stills from Clarissa Explains It All and Blossom to see just how the sunflower is placed on Mayim Bialik's (Side note: she once bought a 1940's suit at my mother's clothing store- so glamorous!) hat or studying the boxy shape of Melissa Joan Hart's crop top, velvet choker, and shorts combo. Anyway, the point is, this is hideous and has NO SHAPE whatsoever. It's like, the waist is kind of a drop waist, but not really, and it's kind of loose, but not really. It is, however, 100% stupid looking.

What is with the hair on these models? It looks like they combed through it with Vaseline. I guess they are trying to be edgy. Well, there is nothing edgier than this butter yellow, Oversized Hoodie Vest, a real steal for something acrylic at $72. You know how I said I felt depressed when I had to wear boring clothes and neutral colors? Well, I would rather rock that onesie in the previous picture than be forced to wear this. Aside from the obvious fact that short-sleeved hoodies are stupid, the sloppy, floppy fit and gaping armholes are just so fug.

Looking at this makes me want to, much like Mayim Bialik, don a fitted 40's suit like this and do up my hair and try to avoid this "pajamas as daywear" look as much as possible.

Lastly, this Bias Stripe Sweater, which they claim is "retro", which I guess means "late 80's." But really this reminds me more of those filthy poncho pullover things that hippies wear all the time. God do I hate those. They always look like really itchy, and like they have never been washed, and always come in colors like "dishwater and gray." Anyway, this sweater, like the one above, is of the slouchy and gaping acrylic-blend variety. I think the picture speaks for itself, and it's saying, "I am so depressed and I have Vaseline in my hair and am wearing a sweater that's color is described as 'purple combo.'"

It's times like this I think the war against sacks is really unwinnable. I can just imagine the photographer on these shoots, screaming, "Okay, look lank. Lanker! Do you hear me, I said LANK!"

The Little Tramp, but Not in the Lindsay Lohan Type of Way

Whenever people post photos of inspirational outfits, it's always seems to be of lank girls clad in gray and skinny jeans, or of Mary Kate, perhaps the original lank girl in clad in gray and skinny jeans (though for awhile she was doing this sort of whacked out/goth/Stevie Nicks thing that I sometimes found kind of endearingly over-the-top.) Why does inspiration for people who are "into clothes" always seem to come from things that are already trendy?

Anyway, I recently saw Charlie Chaplin's City Lights, a movie filmed in 1931. While I usually love the women's clothing in these movies (and it was indeed adorable), I also kind of felt the urge to dress like Chaplin in his tramp persona, with his fitted plaid waistcoat, baggy pants, too-tight cutaway jacket, and little cravat. (Plus the thick black eyeliner that men always wore in old movies! With a three piece suit, no less!) I love how everything looked battered but went together so well and fit in such a specific way- and there's something so crumbling and dandyish about this look, which I love. Not to be all

"derelicte"/upper middle class, but come on, even the homeless used to have a better sense of aesthetics.

Admittedly, I don't think I could pull off this look, and think my general fear of vests won't help, but I did remember I'd saved some awesome pictures of Shalom Harlow in a Chaplin-inspired photoshoot. She looks a lot awesomer than if she were wearing a saggy American Apparel t-shirt and those oversized glasses everyone has that fill me with rage, you know?

All That's Missing is the Blossom Hat

The denim vest trend- or, the attempted denim vest trend, as no one in real life actually wears denim vests, is bad enough. But when you pair your denim vest with another item- the floral rayon dress that comes from the same time period (1995) and evokes the middle school teacher, that takes the look into new territory. You might think this picture was from 1996, even, if you didn't spot that little hangy heart necklace from Urban Outfitters or whatever, 2007ing up the outfit. Why stop at the vest, anyway? How about a pair of wraparound Oakleys and some Airwalks? A faux-Victorian choker? Something crushed velvet or washable silk? What about a nice floppy denim hat with a big sunflower on the brim? When are those going to come back?

Attack of the Belt, Vest, Tunic, Leggings, and Jewelery

Trendy clothing items are, ideally, meant to be worn in moderation. If you're wearing a babydoll tent dress, maybe lay off the leggings and slouch boots. Wearing several trends at once is generally an indicator that you have no style of your own, and are just haphazardly putting together stuff you saw someone else wear.

The girl to the left looks like such a person. We have an owl necklace, a jewelery trend that somehow surged to popularity despite their extreme ugliness (Hey, I love owls too. It doesn't mean I want a four inch gold one hanging off my neck.) There is also, perhaps most unfortunately, a denim vest involved. The striped tunic/mini dress and tights/leggings is a potentially cute look, but again is ultra-trendy and usually fails. And the piece de resistance is the totally out of place brown leather woven belt hanging off her hips. Why is that there? It doesn't even match.

For awhile, people were like, "You can only pull off this [trend-focused, layered] look if you're Sienna Miller." But now, finally, after the underwear-over-tights incident, people are finally realizing she's a fraud. In fact, nobody can pull of this look, and nobody should try.

Ugly UO Item of the Day: A Touch of Blossom

Shockingly, this Kimchi & Blue Jacquard Animal Vest has been reduced from $42 to 11.99. For a long time, designers, and whatever you call the people who invent the clothes for Urban Outfitters, have been trying to make vests happen. And, by "a while", I mean literally like four or five years. And they haven't caught on, because they're pretty stupid, and serve no purpose. They look great in a dandy-ish, three piece suit-ish kind of way, or maybe if you're Patti Smith, but the vest is not an easy item to pull off.

This vest, however, screams "BLOSSOM!" to me. It's "poly-nylon jacquard" and I'm not sure what exactly that is, but it sounds very unpleasant. All in all, this belongs on the floor of Ross. Doesn't it look like one of those poly suits they have at Ross for 24.99? Have I mentioned that the print is snakeskin? Oh man, that makes it even worse!