Hel Looks: Fanny Pack Attack

I remember, in eighth grade, circa maybe '97, my friend and I had a portentous discussion about fashion whilst sitting on the schoolyard.
"Do you realize that everything comes back in fashion?"
"So the 80's are going to come back." [Note: This seemed so impossible at the time that I didn't quite believe it.]
"Like acid wash!"
"And those sweaters with geometric designs on them!"
Then we just sat there in horror, thinking about it, even though we were probably both wearing huge jeans and ringer t-shirts and ball chain necklaces.

The thing about certain clothing coming back in style is that it's not going to happen on its own. Batwing blouses don't come creeping out of thrift stores to land, blousily, upon the backs of hipsters. No, people choose to embrace these clothing, picking out acid wash denim tunics and multicolored nylon windbreakers as if they were ripe fruit. Emilia, 28, then, is certainly old enough to remember the 80s with the same horror, but instead of learning from these mistakes, she has embraced them, accessorizing her baggy tunic with something I have unfortunately had to make a new label for: the fanny pack.

What's really sad is that the '90's are are already coming back, so don't be surprised if the hipsters of tomorrow are sitting around in wide-leg jeans and baby ringer tees, talking about how they admire the style of Bush's Gavin Rossdale and talking about, I don't know, the Lemonheads or something.

Jeans of Death

These unfortunate-looking Drainpipe Corset Waist Jeans from Topshop recently caught my eye. Obviously, there's not that much to say- they make the rather forlorn-looking model's butt look very long and flat; they literally have a separate button-up corset part that ends somewhere far past your bellybutton and appears to be made of a different color denim, and they have cheesy strategic fading and whiskers.

Perhaps worse are the Cheap Monday jeans above, which I don't have a specific link to (but I can direct you to this gallery of horrors on the Cheap Monday website- don't look if you have a weak stomach) because, unlike the Topshops, they couldn't even be worn if you were dressing up as Tiffany for Halloween. They're just really, really high, and really, really unflattering. It must take like ten minutes to zip up your fly in these babies.

While these jeans on their own scare me, what scares me more is the question they force me to ask: is this the future of denim? Will people really re-embrace this look? Is it going to be really hard to find normal jeans soon? Questions like these make me want to stockpile jeans like these and these, and hunker down for the oncoming denim apocalypse.

Hel Looks: Oh, the Jeans!

One of the striking things about Hel Looks is the jeans. People who are on the edge of fashion in the way that these people are simply cannot wear regular jeans, even though, in my mind, jeans are one of the few things that should remain pretty regular: no patterns, no "interesting" shapes, no strategic fading. But people like this are always proclaiming the skinny jean over, and the new, high-waisted, pleated, acid-washed jean the wave of the future for the next three months. And frankly, it disgusts me. Lets take a look!

To the layman, it might look like Tiia (above left), 36, simply doesn't know what kind of jeans are flattering or in style. But the rest of her stylish look, and her proclamation that she just bought these jeans, and that "They are great because they're baggy and light blue" confirms that no, these jeans are intentional. They remind me of when I made my dad go with me to Gap kids to get a new pair of jeans in sixth grade, and I chose this faded, baggy, tapered pair that I secretly knew were ugly even then, and I always blamed my dad for making me feel rushed because he couldn't handle the mall. Tiia's look screams to me, "Yes, they ARE ugly! That's the point!"

While Osku's, age 20, Pete Doherty/slam poet style is certainly debatable (as is his proclamation that "Embroidery is my future"), it is really his companion, Joona (age 18....everybody on this site looks literally ten years older than the age they are listed) who peaks my interest. I believe these types of mega-tapered, rather jodhpur-esque jeans are called "carrot tops" and they are pretty much the most unflattering shape possible. Do you long for the stumpiest, shortest looking legs one could have? This is a prime example of the fashionable quest for newness and novelty upending any notion of taste or looking good. But we can't blame Joona. She would make her own clothes, if she "just had time." She's a busy girl who spends all her time "on religious happenings." How un-chicly chic, not unlike the pools of saggy denim bagging around her ankles!