When Not Wearing a Huge Bow Underneath Your Boobs Isn't Enough

You know when you put on those oversized Jackie O sunglasses, and the black satin opera length gloves with the ring and the evening bag, and you've added some black tights and expensive, ugly shoes that look like they could kill a man (but not in a good way) and then, finally, you've put on that baggy denim-look parachute-esque but also satin trench thing to wear as a mini dress?

I mean, I know all about these things, but after I've put them all on, I know something crucial is missing from my outfit- a huge black bow belt to top it all off! No, not at my natural waistline, or even the drop-waist created by that mess of a jacket, but right under my boobs! Yes- perfection! I could gaze in the mirror all day, looking like discarded wrapping paper from a fancy party for people with bad taste, all stuffed into a trash can.

How to Dress like a Fictional 13-year old from 1992

Mary Anne Spier was always the shyest babysitter, and her weird father always picked out clothes for her and thusly forced her to wear pleated skirts and braids and loafers and bobby socks all the time, which was supposed to be old-fashioned and preppy but really just seemed creepy.

But in one book, Mary Anne broke loose and got a sassy short haircut and started wearing oversized shirts and leggings in wild shades like lavender, and the rest if the BSC was really mean to her because she wasn't a dork anymore or something, even though the BSC was supposed to be about empowerment.

My point is that this girl is Mary Anne. And that everything she's wearing is very bad. Particularly that plaid sweater.

How to look Like Someone You Would Avoid on the Bus

I had saved the above picture awhile ago, not just because the model looked like she should be raving on a street corner with track marks on her arms, but because the top (probably Chloe or something) was the ultimate in blousy, sacky, unflattering fug. (In fact, it looks a lot like the "dress" in the post below.) I especially like how it shows off her bony, concave sternum- it's like looking at the underside of a sting ray! Anyway, then the same top showed up again, on a real, live (though rather dead looking) human being.

I've already criticized Kirsten Dunst for wearing floppy gray things and going (unsuccessfully) braless, but I would have hoped she would avoid the whole "meth addict chic" aura that surrounds this charming ad campaign. However, I was wrong. She totally went with that, and raised me a jean jacket. My goodness, are these images horrifying. Not unlike the idea that actual money- several hundreds, I imagine- of actual dollars, was spent on this top, soon after someone actually selected it as a good thing to buy, and eventually- the worst crime of all, perhaps- putting it on their person.

The World is her Gynocologist

Ohmygod! Not a week ago I criticized this skank in this post for wearing a belted blousy tank top and nothing more. Apparently, she was too beautiful and well-dressed for just one street style blog, because now she has showed up on The Sartorialist. I'm sorry, but those who are showering accolades upon this look are sheep- sheep, I tell you! Here I am, walking around in truly beautiful clothing, and no one has ever taken my photo for a street style blog, and this girl gets her photo taken twice! Twice! Not that I'm jealous or anything. "Miffed" would probably be the correct word.

Definitely not an Alaia

I know I said I kind of had a thing for jumpers, in a certain context, but let me tell you: this ain't it. The Tyler Argyle jumper, with its psuedo-primary color scheme and loose fit, is really infantilizing. It's basically a floppy tube, made out of the crappiest/grossest feeling of all materials, polyester-spandex. Ugh. and the pattern is so Cher Horowitz it's not to be believed. Can you imagine an adult walking around in this? On the plus side, I think the model is real cute.

Aesthetics, or Why Is Everything So Ugly?

Today, there are few things uglier, or more wasteful, than the appliance. Everything is encased in dull gray plastic, and even when brand-new can't be expected to last very long. Things are made to break, to be disposable, and once they are disposed of, they sit in a landfill, never decomposing and looking ugly and plastic and leeching into groundwater forever. However, this wasn't always the case!

Until not so very long ago, things like household appliances were made not only to be beautiful and well-designed, but to last. Instead of making something that would break and then be replaced, it was assumed that things would wear well and be repaired if broken. (Today, it's the opposite- it's almost never worth it to get something fixed, when you can just buy a new one.)

This is the case with numerous old things- clothing, automobiles, furniture, and more. But it particularly struck me in regards to appliances simply because today they really are so cheaply made and unbearable to look at. Look at the hearing aid to the left, as streamlined as a 1930's tuxedo- or the wooden radio up top, with its cleverly designed deco-esque speakers and warm wooden finish, or the truly gorgeous green portable typewriter- today I try to hide my radio out of sight, but these things were designed to sit on a shelf and look just as beautiful as anything purely decorative. It looks like someone put time and care into creating then, not as if they just came out of the same mold as everything else.

More than anything, I find this disposable phenomenon depressing. One might hope, with the current "green" fad and new focus on environmentalism, things might change. Personally, I just feel sad that this attention to detail and aesthetics has gone by the wayside, creating a throwaway economy that will leave behind a pile of ugly plastic garbage.

How'd you Like to Join the Big Top?

Remember, during PE, there used to be that activity where they got out a giant parachute and you were supposed to run around under it and on top of it and and it was the funnest PE activity ever, way funner than being forced to run a mile or getting hit in the head with an "ultimate" Frisbee? How about recreating that parachute in dress form, only in white? What if it made you look if as if you had flipper arms? Then I'd say yes.

Ring Ring

"Ohmygod, I got the most amazing thing at Value Village the other day...It's like a sweatshirt, but it's made out of a synthetic knit fabric, the kind that feels like it's sweating on its own?....Yeah....kind of greasy to the touch....Well, anyway, it has big, cropped sleeves, and it's banded in black around the cuffs, collar and hem...Mmm-hmmm, totally!...But here's the best part- it's hot pink with pandas all over it....Like from the wardrobe of a 1980's Chinese child.....yeah, I think I'll look like a marshmallow too....I don't know, maybe I'll tuck it into my high-waisted, pleated shorts, or some lime green skinny jeans....Of course I'll add my Wayfarers! You know we're not allowed to stop wearing them until May 2008, when those John Lennon glasses are set to make another ironic comeback...What? You have to go?...Well, I'll see you at The Knife concert....bye!"

Plus We Lopped the Tails Off Some Bunnies and Attached Those, too

People truly will buy anything if there's a brand name slapped on it- even if that brand is mostly associated with stretch velour, popularizing the enduring trend of having words printed across your ass, and of course, making it acceptable to wear a terrycloth sweatsuit around as "fashion."

Anyway, this bag is completely hideous, and screams "I WAS MADE IN A SWEATSHOP!" even more loudly than it screams "JUICY!" And it screams "JUICY!" pretty damn loud- in multi plaid, no less.

Nice "U" Beard!

Usually I'm pretty good at telling the difference between hipsters and the homeless/insane, but I think this guy could throw even me for a loop (though, beyond the camera's lens, he's probably wearing limited edition nu rave Dunks or something.) So can I just say, ohmygod I can't believe this is supposed to be fashion. I mean, I personally like saggy chambray overshirts from K-Mart and piercing stares that say "I want to eat your internal organs" but is it all ever really going to catch onto the mainstream?

Bah!

I really love looking at most of the men's fashion in The Sartorialist , a street blog with a more upper crust/high fashion/ menswear slant. I'm always amazed he manages to find such well-dressed men, standing around on street corners in three piece suits and boater hats and all these other things I hope I would wear if I were a boy (or, uh, a man.)

However, the women he chooses to photograph are invariably very thin, very tall, and wearing some sort of baggy neutral outfit that looks like it cost thousands of dollars. They never seem to have the quirky details or the unique touches that the men do.

Every comment on this look is a rave, which I guess has something to do with the fact that this woman is an editor or something. Well, I think pretty much everything about this outfit is horrifying. She's so thin she looks rather ill, her skin is the color of leather, and this dress is sacky and boring to the extreme (it's probably Lanvin or something, but I think you can get the same one at H&M.) How is this inspirational? It probably cost a ridiculous amount of money, especially when you add in the shoes, which I think have might have clear panels in them, and are the types that look so uncomfortable/about to be ripped off by Bebe that you may as well have just gone for flats. Plus, a highlighted blowout- what imagination and daring it must have took to wear such a hairstyle!

Ugly UO Item of the Day: Would You Believe This Was Only $58?

Sometimes it seems like Urban Outfitters is really trying to recreate some kind of ugly thrift store find- the kind where someone bounds up to you in some shining, drooping polyester sack that a Russian grandmother clearly recently gave to Goodwill because it became too out of style even for her, crowing about how it only cost $5 and isn't that a steal and you're like, "Um, yeah..." It's bad enough when there is only one of these items around, but Urban Outfitters just seems so intent on mass-producing these types of things. I mean, the fact that you will probably see other people wearing the exact same thing makes one wonder why the hell anyone would actually purchase stuff like this.

Case in point: the Lux Kaleidoscope Dress, (which, they warn, "Runs big, you may choose to order a size down.") What is even going on here? It looks like a bad acid trip. Why is the front yoke gray and red? Why are the sleeves so puffy? Who knew a floral print could be so depressing? The model looks like she is trying to escape from the dress and is attempting to hide herself within its droopy folds, like a turtle retreating into its shell. But I bet it's even scarier inside.

Uppers, Downers, and All-Arounders

Oh Emma Watson! First you tell Parade magazine (I was going to make fun of Parade magazine, but I just read a post on GFY making fun of Parade magazine in relation to Emma Watson, so I guess I won't) that you think it's great Hermione isn't afraid to be smart and that you are "a bit of a feminist." (How British/adorable!) and then you wear this very awesome, campy, Valley of the Dolls-esque dress, which has pills allover it. Seriously, this dress is so weird! (Apparently it is Chanel.) Can you imagine like, Hayden Pannetierre or whatever that whore's name is wearing a dress like this? No, you cannot.

Also, this photo of you reacting to Daniel Radcliffe's homotastic Details magazine photo shoot is amazing. When I saw that, I seriously thought that was just his face pasted on the body of George Michael. Who is styling this kid?

Is That A Woodland Creature in Your Pants, Or...

Am I blind? Is this girl blind? Someone is if they think wearing high-waisted, pleated, blousy short shorts is a good idea, particularly while kneeling on a bare mattress. It looks like a small, bulky animal is trying to escape from inside.

A Study In Originality

Ohmygod, if I see one more pair of Wayfarer-inspired sunglasses I am totally going to puke. I really have nothing against this style, but after having to look at the nine billionth person wearing them, they have gotten really annoying. I mean, the Wayfarer has always been a classic shape, and it's not any better looking than it was two years ago, but people are latching onto them now like they have never before been available. And FIY honey, they're pinching your nose, so they don't fit.

Secondly, don't wear a blousy linen tank top as a dress and belt it with a star and moon themed belt. Also, don't add a really tailored blue leather bag that is meant to go with less casual and summery outfits. Thirdly, don't be such a trendy douche.

We Miss You, Courtney

I was born just a few years too late to appreciate the grunge/indie rock/riot grrrl explosion of the late early 90's. While kids a few years older were crying over Kurt and sneaking off to Bikini Kill concerts and stapling their own zines (inspired, partially, by the late great Sassy magazine), I was listening to the Cats soundtrack and, I don't know, pouring over the pages of Seventeen. And there wasn't really a whole lot on the horizon- except for Courtney Love. She may have been a dimming star at that point, but her image was endlessly fascinating to me, if a little scary, and she still showed up in teen mags, (notably in this "On Tour With Hole" feature, in which she wore fairy wings and part of a "red majorette costume from Goodwill"- I thought this was amazing.) When the most subversive looking female to be found was the far more polished (and boring, and, now that I think about it, rather "cyber" influenced) Shirley Manson, Courtney's picture would still show up from time to time, snarling in a ripped vintage dress, in all her peroxided glory, looking fierce and inspirational and different.

The image above was in a Seventeen when I was in middle school, in a section about how to dress like Courtney Love. There's not that much I can say I still find cool that I did in middle school, but old photos of Hole will forever fall into that category. I mean, she is wearing black eyeliner, red lipstick and a torn 1940's dress- a look I am still ripping off to this day! Courtney's "kinderwhore" look was an amalgamation of old and new, trashy and sweet, punk and princessy, and it worked really, really well. You could be girly and tough and play guitar and say fuck you while wearing a peter pan collar and baby barrettes all at the same time. I still sort of want a fur coat like the one she wore in the liner notes of the perennial classic Live Through This (the cover of which, looking back on it, is also totally amazing.)


So, instead of thinking about the modern version of Courtney, let's think about her, many nose jobs ago, when she was outspoken and unique and an awesome role model/style icon, who really didn't look like anyone else, and, hopefully, inspired twelve-year-olds everywhere.

More Bland Ugly from American Apparel

Not that I want to rant about American Apparel again or anything, but I fucking hate American Apparel. It's really hard to not go into the rant about Dov Chaney/ overpriced crap/ offensive advertisements/ slavish hipster following, but somehow I'll resist. And I'll simply say, My, is this t-shirt ugly! The sweetheart neckline is one that is meant to be fitted into a tight bodice, not drooping around one's chest like so many sacks. Aside from that, it doesn't need to be added to a t-shirt in the first place. The beauty of a neckline is that it actually touches your neck, thus framing your face, not creating some sort of double necklined- monster.

It reminds me of those faux-vests that had fronts but no backs that that were attached to t-shirts when I was a child. Does anyone remember those? When I was a kid I was sitting around with an oversized t-shirt tucked into my leggings and I still knew those were tacky.

A Tyrade Against Lady Chocolate: Drunken Ramblings

Dear Gentle Readers,
Since no one reads my blog except my friends, and since I have been urged by them to do a blog against Lady Chocolate, whose name I have since figured out is actually Miss Chocolate, aka The Door Person at Trannyshack, (who we have a vendetta against already because Simone got angry at one night in 2004 or something when we tried to get into "Miss Trannyshack 2004" at someplace downtown and our names weren't on the list even though we paid, and Simone ranted about that "ugly tranny who had Botox and facial surgery" who wouldn't let us in and instead we went to the Tonga Room, which is also downtown, and got wasted and danced to Crazy in Love by Beyonce), and who also [Miss Chocolate, not Beyonce] we are apparently supposed to tip (whatever) even though we payed her $8 admission get into Trannyshack, which is a rip-off since tonight, though we were technically were able to get in, we couldn't move/get a drink/see the performance which Simone said was just a tranny who looked like Janeane Garafolo, and it was very lucky I was already drunk/had bought that bottle of Jack Daniels at that liquor store next to Zante Pizza which we drank in line while we waited for the too-crowded event), and despite the fact that we( meaning me) have been a David Bowie devotee since we were sixteen and we're now 23 and we're supped to finally go Trannyshack and live out or adolescent dreams, we had been waiting in line over for an hour with no hopes of getting befpre the show started.

Luckily, when we finally got out of the very hot and cramped environment of the oversold and so over-crowded Trannyshack wherein some guy with a mohawk tried to grab me by my hand and lead me to the stage but just gave up, a very nice tranny whose named we never caught accompanied us to the Shell Station because, as she said, "they didn't like big girls" and bought Jen a dark chocolate Snickers bar while I bought a diet Lime Coke even though I didn't really want to, and talked to us about Midnight Mass and, though I proclaimed that I hated Lady [whose name is actually Miss] Chocolate very loudly, told me to not to say such terrible things about Trannyshack.

In conclusion, Trannyshack is a fire hazard and Miss Chocolate is a bitch, but Trannyshack attracts some very nice ladies, including many who complimented me on my silver 60's dress, and I hope to attend it sometime when it isn't so busy. Shout-outs to The Sco/trannies/The Twin Peaks, aka Glass Coffin, aka The Best Gay Bar in the 415, which is saying something.

PS: I was going to find a photo of Lady Chocolate and out an X through her face, but it took too long. It would have been pretty funny though!

Where Are My Idaho Russets?

Look, we've all felt the allure of the sack dress at times: it's comfortable, it's easy to wear, and can sometimes be pulled off in a 60's-ish way (rarely, but whatever.) But here's a good reason not to wear a sack dress, particularly in thin, drapey knit fabric, the color of which I could only describe as "pumpkin": it makes you look like a sack too! Look at this lady! She is probably like a size two or something and she is bulging out all over the place. There's nothing wrong with wearing something that makes you look a little fatter, but you should never, ever wear something that makes you look as if you've been stuffed with whole potatoes.

Usually, I decry the random belt, but this shapeless mess could probably use one.

Return of the Ugly Shorts, Part III: The Bulge of Doom

Those high-waisted Topshop shorts I've already mentioned twice in this blog have made another appearance on some street style blog, once again over-accessorized with some kicky nautical pieces. These shorts are perfect when you want your bottom half to look like a rectangular block, with a bit of a crotch bulge to add pizazz.

And sorry to be a traditionalist, but shorts are for bare legs, when it's hot out, not to be worn with a pointless scarf, black tights, white Keds (actually, don't wear white Keds with black tights ever) , a gold quilted purse, and yellow sunglasses. Do that, and you run the risk of having someone in a denim vest out-classing you.

Hel Looks: Fanny Pack Attack

I remember, in eighth grade, circa maybe '97, my friend and I had a portentous discussion about fashion whilst sitting on the schoolyard.
"Do you realize that everything comes back in fashion?"
"So the 80's are going to come back." [Note: This seemed so impossible at the time that I didn't quite believe it.]
"Like acid wash!"
"And those sweaters with geometric designs on them!"
Then we just sat there in horror, thinking about it, even though we were probably both wearing huge jeans and ringer t-shirts and ball chain necklaces.

The thing about certain clothing coming back in style is that it's not going to happen on its own. Batwing blouses don't come creeping out of thrift stores to land, blousily, upon the backs of hipsters. No, people choose to embrace these clothing, picking out acid wash denim tunics and multicolored nylon windbreakers as if they were ripe fruit. Emilia, 28, then, is certainly old enough to remember the 80s with the same horror, but instead of learning from these mistakes, she has embraced them, accessorizing her baggy tunic with something I have unfortunately had to make a new label for: the fanny pack.

What's really sad is that the '90's are are already coming back, so don't be surprised if the hipsters of tomorrow are sitting around in wide-leg jeans and baby ringer tees, talking about how they admire the style of Bush's Gavin Rossdale and talking about, I don't know, the Lemonheads or something.