Thursday, December 17, 2009

Mary's Musings: I Liked It, I Am Sick of Looking at this Bitch, and More!

Issue One: Here is a dress Jezebel hated on as "one of the worst of the year." Whatever! I think this dress is cool. It looks kind of like your everyday cocktail dress crossed with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. It's special and weird!

This, on the other hand, they loooved. It was one of the "best of the year." This is like the kind of dress you might look cool in when you are seventy years old and you're a grand dame type with an elegant and stately style, but if you're 23 or what this Olsen is (God, remember the Olsens??? Everyone was so obsessed with them!) you are just boring and safe as hell. Much like Anne Hathaway in this dress:
What a bunch of boring crap! I'm so sick of rewarding celebrities for wearing a $12,000 gown their stylist picked out for them. Except for the Rhianna dress in there, nothing considered "great" is risky, inventive, unique, or strays from the typical model. I love how celebrities won't even wear necklaces or jewelery half the time because they are so intent on looking classy.


Issue Two:
What the fuck is up with these new cell phone commercials starring an unforgivably bloated Luke Wilson? Who's like, "Well, if fat 'n frumpy Luke Wilson wants me to change my coverage, I will!" I remember when I was a child, and I saw stuff on TV and craved it intensely (once I made my mom buy me this red sugar goo that you were supposed to squeeze onto your oatmeal to make fun shapes- needless to say the goo just kind of smeared and melted everywhere, and I think I learned a valuable lesson.) Anyway, I would love to visit an alternate reality when female stars show up looking fat and disheveled and shilling something on a TV commercials and no one bats an eye.




Issue Three:
Hey, guess what? You suck, Tim Burton. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sucked, Sweeney Todd sucked, Big Fish sucked (I watched this in college with my new-at-the-time roommates and they all cried at the end and I was like "WTF?") , Corpse Bride looked like it sucked, and your new obsession with CGI really sucks, because at least you used to be all about this unique, hand crafted, stylized aesthetic and this preview looks like a video game. Also, much of this aesthetic has become totally cliche- ie, of all the stupid Nightmare Before Christmas plastic crap made for pez Hot Topic teens. Also, Alice is a little girl, not sexy babe with her dress half torn off. I do like Beatlejuice, but that was a long time ago!

Issue Four:
Also, you suck, Michael Jackson. I am so sick of hearing Michael Jackson songs in every place and context. It was bad enough when it was just a hipster party staple, but now you can't escape it anywhere. Of course, there are only like five songs anybody will even play, and no one ever even plays, like, Man in the Mirror. Michael Jackson obviously had a huge cultural impact and is an icon and blah blah blah, but musically those songs aren't anything special. And everyone is so intent on claiming Michael Jackson as their own, like playing Billie Jean at a bar for the five hundredth time is really going to blow everyone away.


Issue Five:
You know what else sucks? "Remixed" old Christmas songs that are like Bing Crosby's voice going "Chestnuts roasting- roasting- roasting- beep bloop boop oonz oonz oonz." It's such a travesty! I hate the modern assumption that no one has enough of an attention span to listen to something slow and complete that doesn't jump or cut into something after five seconds.

4 comments:

Gerard said...

I wonder what it will be like when Prince dies. He is about a gazillion times more talented than MJ and has never been accused of fucking a child. And he actually plays instruments and writes prolifically and is just way way way fucking cooler.

Sad world we live in.

Mary said...

I thought about mentioning how Prince was better, but I was like, "Why do I always need to mention Prince w/ MJ and dignify that they are lumped together/comparable when CLEARLY they are not even BEGINNING to be in the same league?"

Nickey said...

Um, are you making fun of Luke Wilson for having gained weight? Because that is a total bummer and not cool! While I totally agree that it is a shitty double standard that no female star could gain 30lbs and then star in a cell phone commercial, that doesn't mean you have to deride a dude that does the same. There are a lot of other reasons to make fun of him (like, you know, starring in a stupid cell phone commercial), but I don't think gaining weight is a fair one. Because I know you would never say the same about a woman!

As for awards dresses, I was recently looking at Go Fug Yourself, and practically everything they hated I kind of thought was awesome. Also last week Jon (of Gay Condo) and I were walking down the street and saw a 17-year-old girl wearing neon, vertical striped tights, a tutu, and various other absurd things and both looked at each other and said "well at least she's going for it!" And then we talked about your blog for a few minutes.

Mary said...

It's exciting to think of this blog being discussed in real life!

Yeah, I am making fun of him in the same way I made fun of Vince Vaughn for looking like he also spent the last six months on a bender in another, similar post. It's all about context to me!

Making fun of a male celeb Luke Wilson isn't comparable to making fun of a lady, because male privilege generally excuses men from the discussion entirely. Women are ALWAYS being called fat and I think it's funny to "call out" dudes as fat who have gained 20 pounds cause it's the same thing but society just refuses to see it that way. The fact that Luke Wilson is in that commercial shows that he and his greasy hair have been deemed acceptable.

Just like you may know a dude who is on the chunky side who always makes fun of non-slender girls for being fat, labeling these guys as "fat!!!" in a public context is funny to me. (Same goes for the aging double context- ie, George Clooney is OLD.) Obviously this may not be the deepest, most egalitarian kind of analysis, but I don't know, sometimes you can still make your point while being obnoxious, a la Strangers With Candy or something.