Thursday, April 30, 2009

Amazing 40's Shoes

These are a 6.5 if you want to bid on them. They are the perfect 40's wedge height with amazing primary tri-colors (a sandal theme later repeated in the 80's- these are cute too) and high-up ankle straps, and even come with a cute original box.

These gorgeous 40's snakeskin platforms look so 70's glam rock. Lately I've been thinking about how the 70's copied the 30's a lot, from platforms to wide leg pants to little house dresses. I recently saw a photo of Ava Gardner at her 1930's-era senior prom and she was wearing a dead-ringer for a 70's maxi dress. It would be nice if I could find that photo, but I can't. Anyway, these are my size, but I'm expecting them to go pretty high. So damn fierce!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

How Guys Should Not Dress

I've been a pretty terrible blogger lately- but I've been working a lot so I don't always have the energy to make fun of stuff. (However, in a short burst of energy I actually did recently make an "iMovie" that will soon be posted here! Stay tuned!)

But here's a trend I'd like to see die! Guys, particularly fashion gays, wearing huge jackets and legging-like pants, particularly with some kind of bowl cut on top.

Let's start with Hannu, 22 . He likes "light blue jeans and shoulder paddings but the shorts are the best." Hannu's actually maintained this hairdo for a year, which is a style that didn't really work for the Beatles but really doesn't work if you're pairing it with a deep v (shudder) and some gross old 80's child molester jacket. Speaking of child molesters, have I mentioned that hairdo?

This is Joona, 18, in the avante-garde gay uniform du jour. He says that "homeless people with their ragged and oversize clothes inspire my style," which is always a creative/culturally sensitive answer. Also the fact that everyone on earth now has a bowler hat for some reason has managed to influence his style.

Ohmygod. Jesus christ. Jussi, the guy on the left, looks exactly like the guys in my high school who wore trench coats and mirrored wraparounds and read graphic novels and played World of Warcraft. The only difference is that he's doing it for avant-garde reasons, and his clothes are designer. More to the point, they fit really, really bad. All these tight pants on guys are not even good, solid, tight pants, they're all wrinkly and gross, and the oversized blouse is giving him man-boobs. Then we have his ladyfriend, in the lady version of this outfit. I'm not sure if if I've mentioned it here, but it's time to give wet look leggings a rest. Really. Right now. Stop wearing them. Pull them out again in 2011 and just see how they feel.

This is more just another example of these BADLY FITTING "tight" pants guys are wearing nowadays. These weird, saggy leggings just emphasize that, as a guy, you probably have no ass, or at least one small enough to make it look like you have no ass if you wear these terrible pants. Not hot!!! Also, this is not a even a fashiony look. All those skater boys who dress like they are seven even though they are 22 also wear these pants.

Here are some more. The guy in the bowler jacket has gone with the fugly 80's jacket option to add volume, while the other guy in the bowler hat is just wearing a long whiteoversized turtleneck sweater, like we all did in 1989.

In conclusion, this look really looks good on on no one. But it really, really doesn't look good on guys because they already usually have larger upper halves and smaller legs, so this sillouhette just makes them look perched on gross little spindly ostrich legs. Also, everyone is too chic to wear anything besides beige, as usual.

Coming soon:

Harem pants: Sexy on ladies but- Even SEXIER on guys?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Ugly Urban: 1997 Looms Before Us

I am back after my long absence! Not that I've been doing nothing. I've been watching a lot of Golden Girls (I always dismissed that show because I thought people my age liked it the way they like, Full House or something but it's actually the greatest show ever) and got to level 25 in Tetris. That's right- Level 25!!!! Onto some fugly Urban stuff!

Here's some horrible linen shorts! They have been taken off the website for some reason, but they were pretty expensive, like $118. Anyway, check out that back view! I'm all for a good set of hips, but this kind of looks like the results of a reverse liposuction procedure, during which the fat was shot back in in a strange and lumpen way. And what says "saddlebag" better than a droopy thigh cargo pocket?

I hate those last shorts and all, but I actually hate these shorts WAY more. This is the shorts version of the Jerry Seinfeld jean, or "man pants", if you will. Like, if they went all the way down, they'd end in an intense balloony taper and some chunky white athletic sneakers for sure. At least those last shorts kind of tried to have a shape; these promise a "loose fit with a high rise and wide leg." Additionally, they are "topped with allover wear and abrasions for a lived-in look." And they are $54. Hasn't anyone ever been to a thrift store, in which you can find nothing but baggy, pale blue 501s that look exactly like this and already have abrasions on them from years of some bloated middle-aged man wearing them with one of those Old Navy flag t-shirts and a pair of wraparound mirrored sunglasses?

This item, an oversized linen jacket, has also been taken off the website, but it was about $120. I just don't understand why an item like this is being marketed to teenagers. This garment, and everything about is, screams "upper-middle class middle aged NPR listener trying to hide her middle aged body by cloaking it in something billowing and ultimately far worse than something skintight." Right? The only way I can see this working for a teen would be in an 80's goth, Alley Sheedy in The Breakfast Club kind of way, as opposed to being paired with the flabby aforementioned Jerry Seinfeld shorts:

Speaking of which, everyone in this photo looks like a hipster from today/John Bender really predated grunge, and also speaking of which, this scene never actually occurred in the movie because I've seen it seven million times, and speaking of which again, all John Hughes films have some sort of terrible anti-feminist message. But whatever! What doesn't, right? Certainly not the new Seth Rogan movie! As if I couldn't hate him any more!

This $28 "eternity" scarf looks like a long intestine. And its lively puce and black print's adding a whole lot of sass to that baggy gray sack!

Some pictures speak for themselves. This is one of them. Poor Victor Hugo. Perhaps along with his Urban should offer a free trip to Paris to desiccate his grave? 

This beauty looks like someone as talented as I am at sewing glued some old scarves to a training bra. They call it a "housedress silhouette" and they obviously have no idea what that means. It's funny, because because bubble hems came out in the late fifties and usually accompanied this very structured, avant-garde silhouette, but now bubble hems=the diaper look (which is still going strong, based on those first shorts.) The puffy cut of this dress and lack of a waistline is so boxy and unflattering and just flows so badly. The only good thing about this look is that it is not completely in shades of tan, iron, chambray, or grayish brown. 

In conclusion, there were waaaaaay more fugly pieces up on the website, including a lot of 90's revival stuff but not even early to mid 90's but like late 90's, which is sad and confusing. Here are some hot looks I see getting even RED HOTTER as summer approaches (Why I don't get paid for predicting trends, I have NO idea!!!)

The Dave Navarro look: 

You know, tattoo-print flares, pierced nipples, artful facial hair....remember how like everyone thought Dave Navarro was really hot like eight years ago? And you were like, "Am I seeing the same person other people see?" Well, get ready for phase 2!

Wraparound shades, preferably mirrored: 
If you really know what's up, you'll be pairing them with a nice and baggy promotional polo:

And to top it all off, a nice thick pair of platform Skechers (It's been too long, I say!):

Keep in mind I was right about Blossom hats!
PS: Dave Navarro before all the rhinoplasty/ 'tox