Thursday, October 25, 2012

Old-Fashioned Ugly Urban Post: Take that, Eugene O'Neill!

Gross. In the past couple (five?) years, it became "cool" to have an ugly holiday sweater party, and it seems that Urban has recently got hip to this and is now "renewing" some fugly sweaters that are not even close to being vintage. I remember people buying them at the store I worked at in Philadelphia, and always found it depressing that people were spending money on something ugly when they could be wearing something pretty/cool. No matter where you live, they're not exactly hard to find for significantly cheaper than $34 at a real thrift store. But the most truly witty and ironic versions can be had at Urban, where they seem to be doing little to nothing to enhance these stupid sweaters and jack up the price. Fun fact: Tory Burch's now ex-husband (and probs her) grew rich on importing these in the 80's!

Wait, what? What is the political statement here, exactly? JFK was shot well before Changes was even written, and Changes was also written well before David Bowie had a lightning bolt on his face anyway!!! This is like the stupidest wannabe pop-art mashup ever. I notice that new Urban is trying to stray from the goth thing and now be a little punk/biker, but either way they remain edgy as hell. Do you even dare to wear this in polite company???

This one is just so cool. It has these cool, deep things written on it, and it looks really old and torn and stuff, but it actually just came out of a factory overseas this way!

Haha, this one also has some totes random gibberish on it too! It's like some dark, edgy gibberish. Actually, who cares it's not like I feel bad for Eugene O'Neill not like he never got any credit.

I can understand the appeal of the cut-out back as much as anyone, but not everything is meant to have a cut-out. A plaid flannel shirt is one of those things. How do you even wear a bra with this? Who wants to wear a baggy flannel shirt without a bra? 

This is just sad Urban styling. Maybe the ill-fitting skirt could work in a fun 70's way, maybe the top would be okay with black skinny jeans or a silver mini or something, but together this is just a sad, weird combo. Who would look at this image and think, "I want that look. I want that to be me."? On the plus side, the model's hair has slightly more volume than years past.

Ugh! Why is there a back cut-out and a tie that ties underneath over your jeans? It really seems like Urban is desperate to add more, more, more back cut-outs and details wherever they can be found! But it's like, you gotta know when to fold 'em. And that was before you added that droopy butt tie. Plus, over jeans, that's weird.

So, they're back. Maybe. Just as a I predicted, yin-yangs seem to be slowly edging their way back from 90's-era dominance to regain a coveted spot upon the bodies of the young people who have $34 to spend on this t-shirt. This tee brings to mind wonderful memories for me: sleepaway camp in 1994, puberty, biker shorts.... But you don't need to have a personal connection with this shirt to see that it's ugly. With the dasiy yin- yangs, the dirty look, the splotchy tie-dye, it's all there before your eyes!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Theme is Straps

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Trend Report 2012

Maximum Saturation Point
Jean cut-off short shorts
Dyed hair but dyed pastel
Those prints that are like digital but symmetrical on both sides
Poly chiffon
Buttoning your shirt all the way up

Looking Ahead
The cyber 90's
Square toed shoes (ugh!)
Been saying it for years: Oakleys

Been Popular for like 6 Years
Bowler Hats

Tried to Make Comeback But No One Wants
John Lennon glasses

Just Some Cute Jean Shorts I Found

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Portraits of Sting

Imagine renaming yourself as simply 'Sting' from now on.

Brief Thoughts on Grating Voices

 Thoughout the years, I've heard many people (mostly guys, but not just) mention how unbearably grating they find womens singing voices when it comes to bands like Bikini Kill, or even stuff like the Go Gos or Cyndi Lauper. To me, these people own the girliness in their voice, while still maintaining a fierce, sharp, loud sound. For riot grrrl types, many female rappers, etc., they are often aware that they are not making the most gentle, ladylike sounds while still sounding very much a lady.

After hearing many hours of the Beastie Boys recently, I realized how horribly grating I find that music. (No respect, of course, to the band, who seem like genuinally nice guys, but you know, haters gonna hate.) It was like nails on a chalkboard to me, with the endless screeching, shouting and posturing.

Anyway, my point is, that we rarely hear this same scorn for male artists. I'm sure people hate Jello Biafra's voice (FYI a friend confirmed that he's a total dick in real life, what a surprise) but I doubt they say, "I just can't stand to hear men's voices like that. He sounds like such a harpy shrew!" 

 To me the bottom line isn't simply that men are allowed to be abrasive and screech and women aren't, but that when women use these things that make them "feminine' (high voices, certain inflections, etc.) to be loud and aggressive, we view it as obnoxious in a way that we would never find men.

Anyway, I also tense up when I hear the Police, and not just because all their songs are about stalking thirteen year olds, but because I hate Sting's faux rasta/ Phil Collins voice. I also hate  Phil Collins, what a tool.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Sorry, I lied. I really do want to restart this blog, but I also want to jazz it up, and take it in a new direction. Like more of a sports theme and some hardcore corporate sponsorship. Just kidding! Uh, does anyone have any advice on stuff like that? Should I convert it to wordpress or something? The blogger format is so crappy. What other wisdom do you have to impart?
In other news, I'm loving this bright color trend, even though all the tops right now just look like squares with holes cut in them for the head.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Because there are still things to criticize

I was just reading the archives of this blog, and thinking, it's pretty funny! And it has a lot of page views. So then I thought, "Who cares if Rip it to Shreds alienates people and will never impress a prospective employer and is becoming less and less cutting edge in format and design by the minute? Does that make it so bad?"

So now I've decided to start it up again. So, you know, stay tuned.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I never want to hear the words "pop of color" again

I know I haven't posted here in a long time, because now that we live in a more futuristic, post-modern world, fashion trends no longer have the urgency or relevance of the past, and because how many times can I say that pleated pants from American Apparel are ugly, but I decided to start a twitter, so if you want, you can check it out.

I've been posting on my New York blog, Not From New York, too.