Sunday, June 28, 2009

Urban Outfitters & Sea of Shoes

They currently have over eight pairs of harem pants on their website. The first pair aren't harem pants, but they are certainly "pussy gut" pants. This has got to be the most unflattering shape ever. Then the harem pantaloons on the bottom....I don't know. I don't know, guys. This might be the worst moment for fashion ever. Like, I hate almost everything about the 90's, but at least it was original the first time. You may want to check out some other selections to confirm this...

Ohmygod!!! People really will just wear whatever they see on other people they think look "cool", won't they? Only someone with no will of their own would actually purchase these shorts. This just makes me sad.

Urban's styling tip: Try a saggy gray t-shirt with a saggy gray sweater on top. Also, underneath wear those gladiator sandals that have a little saggy socklet attached. In gray.

Speaking of saggy...

I think I would probably cry if I was forced to wear this.

Urban sez: "Unlike our other Urban Renewal items, Urban Renewal Vintage pieces like this blazer come to you in their original vintage silhouette. Sourced from all over the map, each blazer is hand-picked."

Translation: You know how every thrift store is full of blazers from the 80's and 90's? Well, we bought a lot, probably for like 2 cents each since we're a huge company, did nothing to them, and now we're selling them to you for $48 each even though you can find them everywhere. But, without us, would you be able to figure out how fresh everything suddenly looks when you roll up the sleeves?!

Lastly, we have 17-year-old Jane Aldridge of Sea of Shoes blog, which is basically about her designer shoe and clothing acquisitions, most of which cost upwards of $500 each. As a young, blond/white, thin, designer-touting and incredibly wealthy teen (from "Trophy Club" Texas. 4 realz.) with that hip, DIY fashion blog edge, she is all the fashion world could want to represent them, and has been featured in a zillion magazines and such. Even though she is a teenager, all she ever discusses is going shopping in LA/Tokyo/Paris with her mother and naked avant-garde photos of Japanese models circa 1986. You can watch a video of her here, wherein they're like, "How does she afford these $9oo shoes? She's going to design her own collection!" as if that makes any sense.

Anyway, here is her some if her collection that she "designed" for....Urban Outfitters!

Why, it looks like all the shoes Urban Outfitters already has, which are copies of designer shoes! Dude, I mocked the now-strangely ubiquitous peep toe lace up boot when Factory Girl came out, and as for those studded ones, similar styles can be had, at Forever 21/every store that sells mini dresses to hos. They're just the same chunky, studded, cage-y platforms that are popular right now.

In conclusion, it's certainly interesting to see how fashion bloggers have been affecting fashion, but ultimately the fashion world gets to pick and choose which bloggers are going to be flown to France and design capsule collections, and they sure aren't the ones who don't worship certain designers or are interested in subverting the fucked up norms of the fashion establishment. And in the case of Sea of Shoes, they are the same young ladies who will get cushy internships at Vogue anyway- all they're being given is yet another head start.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Face Hunter Latest 'n Greatest

What is the point of wearing a floppy, depressing zebra print jumpsuit? A zebra print jumpsuit should be worn with a classic rock -like panache, not as another boring sack. In fact, that's the problem with all these jumpsuits! Like their flirtier cousins, the onesie, jumpsuits should only be worn by those who understand their inherent tackiness. PS: Nice bowler hat!

Here are some ways to wear an animal print jumpsuit, from Heavy Metal Parking Lot, which you should probably watch right now if you haven't seen it:

Onto some horrendous floral jumpsuits for suburban moms from 1993. Seriously, I had a third grade teacher who told me her favorite show was Home Improvement (which horrified me even at the time) who my called a "fruit." This is what she wore. Also, I have a soft spot for Doc Martens and all, but maybe it's time to give them a rest, particularly in this context. 

The next two fall under the category of, "Is everyone blind?" A beige leather (or is it more of a puce?) t-shirt with peach colored spandex leggings with yet another pair of open-toe booties? Why do these thing go together? She looks like a band-aid.

Here's another really bad 90's thing that I guess is coming back: long floral skirts with no shape and ugly patterns. If she was wearing a white t-shirt with this skirt, whatever. But a black mesh dominatrix-y top? And a big Palestinian scarf? And a straw 90's mom purse? How or why would these things go together? 

Lastly, The Face Hunter says, "'This is the piece 'In an Absolut world , you can ask for anything' that I created for the Visions exhibition in Munich.' Um what, this is the piece? You mean this topless girl holding up a piece of binder paper over her boobs? You don't need an "absolut" world to make this happen, dude. Lots of women take their clothes off to make money to buy clothing, among other things. And judging from the way most of the people on Face Hunter look, you can pretty much dive into any pile of discarded crap and come out with a worthy outfit. You know, as long as you look like this in the first place.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Alexa Chung is Boring

Alexa Chung, a model/TV presenter from England, recently started a show on MTV that is sadly trying to tie in Facebook or something because I guess all of a sudden MTV is remembering it is no longer hip or "with it." Also, the TV show is supposed to look like a "loft party in Williamsburg." Also, Alexa Chung lives in a loft in Williamsburg. In conclusion, someone at MTV really knows what's up to come up with a fresh concept like this, and also I watched her interview with Ryan Reynolds (What is up with him? What is the appeal?) and it was boring and it looked like the set of the Ellen show and also you could have replaced Alexa Chung with Ellen and nobody probably would have noticed. Also, lastly, at least this show could interview be about interviewing bands and playing music videos, because that's usually more entertaining than asking Ryan Reynolds borderline pez questions about muttonchops. Not that I really want to watch a "Bat for Lashes" interview or anything.

But that is neither here nor there. The point is, Alexa Chung is revered for being a fashion icon, because she is tall and thin and attractive in an unassuming way and has that boring, hipstery, lank look so popular right now- you know, a sack tucked into a sack, a navy blazer, some long/tangled necklaces, flats or big chunky shoes, a brown leather bag, straggly hair, neutrals aplenty, a twist of the 90's.

Here she is in some assorted looks. Could that 80's-or-Built-By-Wendy dress on the bottom be any more ill-fitting?

Fascinating! Also, according to some research I did, she dates or dated this guy who looks like he is seven from the Arctic Monkeys. God, it's so depressing what passes for hipness these days! 

PS: Here's a photo of Peaches Geldof (experiencing some Agyness Deyn fallout) and Alexa:

I think I had the denim dress Ms. Chung is wearing in sixth grade. I used to wear it with a pair of silver earrings shaped like teddy bears. Anyway, LANK! Peaches, despite- or perhaps because of- looking like a sci-fi vixen from 1989, wins this round!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Vintage Summertime Inspiration



1. 1920's dress
2. 40's red bikini
3. 40's plaid bikini
4. 40's sailor shorts
5. 40's day dress
6. 20's wool bathing suit
7. 70's bandanna print platforms
8. 50's crazy harlequin print shorts
9. 30's satin sailor dress

Despite the patriotic significance, red, white and blue is my favorite color combo. It is crisp and bold and really stands out. I want some red sailor shorts, but I can't find any good ones, even at Forever 21! All the shorts there are like baggy, pleated, ultra low-waisted linen short shorts. Or cut offs.