Saturday, November 22, 2008

It's That Talentless Girl from The Hills! And She Looks Like Blossom!*

Here is a great example of a trend overload, on immensely talented performer/nose job recipient Ashley Tisdale. A bad trend overload. Now that all those trends that used to be reserved for the hipster set, from the "Indian inspired" Minnetonkas and Pocohantas bands to an overuse of scarves to oversized glasses to old lady purses, to huge men's v-neck t-shirts, have been taken up by all the preppy girls, the only way you can even tell a hipster from a standard mall JAP these days is the Mystic tan, am I right?

Anyway, Ashley has on a myriad of hipster-to-normal trends, starting with an ugly oversized t-shirt that is supposed to look like vintage but was probably $60 at Diesel. Also, a horribly fugly Chanel "vintage" style bag. Again, this mom-purse trend with the long straps is real hot. One of my fashion pet peeves, as I have mentioned many times before, is a carrying a bag that is not appropriate for the look. Usually, ladies tote around elaborate leather purses with lots of hardware and pair them with their sundresses or Juicy suits or whatever. This is no exception. I know in her case, it's supposed to look funky, but really it looks tired, besides being totally inappropriate. Then the colored jean, which we are all sick off. And finally, fringed Uggs! Uggs are out (sort of) and Minnatonkas are in so we'll just combine them!

At first thought, I didn't see Ashley, I saw her feet, and I thought she was someone with that "tree" disease as seen on TLC that perhaps some of us have been horrified by. Speaking of which, TLC should rename itself "The Sideshow Network" because every single thing on it is like, "Two Ton Dad!" "Two Ton Mom!" "The Littlest People in the World!" "The Man Who's Arms Exploded!" I mean, I'm not saying I don't watch these specials on occasion, but it's interesting to note that the freak show is still alive and well, albeit with a thin veneer of "education" over it.

Alright, I'm done talking about that. now, moving on to someone from The Hills! A lesser person from The Hills! Whitney Port! Who's that? Some ho!

Auggghhhh!!! It's so 90's! Remember how often things were selectively plaid all the time in the 90's? Maybe you had a jean jacket with plaid flannel sleeves and a hood? Or a pair of overalls with a plaid pocket? Well, we all know that this has been the year that plaid and flannel have surged out of control because we're all so ready for the grunge era #2, so plaid patchwork is probably coming soon.

Just look at it! It's so shapelessly short and boxy. Is this a new garment or is it from 1992? Is she wearing friendship bracelets, too??? Seriously, are those John Lennon glasses with the purple lenses going to come back soon? I had a pair of those I thought were really cool and this one extremely cold winter when I visited my family on the east coast my mother and I got our picture in the paper and I was wearing them because I thought it would keep the cold out of my face and my grandfather framed the photo even though I looked strangely deformed in it. Probably due largely in part to the glasses.

Here are some predictions for Fall '09:

*I tried to think of a different title because I feel I mention Blossom too much on this blog, and haven't I used this reference before? Probably.


Nickey Robo said...

The funny thing is, if Ashley Tisdale was a little dirtier, and you replaced the boots with beat up sneakers, and the purse with a ratty fanny pack, she would look like a lot of the crusty punks in Portland.

I always kind of thought '90's stuff couldn't come back because it was too ugly and boring to begin with, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, a lot of the '80's stuff has been bad, but at least neon colored gem sweaters are interesting and funny. Most of the fashion of mid-90's was just horrifyingly dull.

madam0wl, a.k.a Sandra said...

I love that you simultaneously celebrate and diss the looming 90s comeback... I so had some of those shades! Oh, wait, maybe I only had fake round wire framed "glasses" like that. Pretty sure I had a denim blossom hat too.

M said...

i know! though there has always been an overlap with "poseurs" dressing like the cool kids- i'm sure hippies resented people adopting their look in the 60s and all- but i think it's happening faster now, and the hipsters can't even keep up! not that there aren't enough cues to tell the real hipsters from the tisdales, but the hipsters better start coming up with something new, fast!

it's just like witht he 90's revival: it's all happening too fast. and the 90's are, indeed, so bland. minimalism? worst fashion movement ever.

i think i had a blossom hat. i know there are photos of me in sixth grade where i'm wearing a flannel shirt and have a ball chain, the kind used for bathroom drain stoppers, tied around my neck.

Anonymous said...

You're so desperately jealous and envious of these girls who are less talented than you but so much happier

M said...

i don't know, dude. i'm perfectly happy, but if i really wanted to be jealous of happy people, i'd probably pick someone whose emotional state i'm actually familiar with. as we have all learned from britney, starlet-ism and happiness don't always go hand in hand.

Simone said...

i would think that the outfits these girls wear points to a deep inner sadness, not happiness. i mean, jesus, how do you get "happy" from a sack dress of dirty looking plaid fabric that looks like it was made for an 8-year old? so take that, retarded anonymous poster!