Thursday, November 13, 2008
Urban Outfitters: Still Ugly
This is ugly and stupid and all, and as everyone else I am so sick of screenprints that I think I might puke, but the real reason I wanted to post this is the name: Nothing Sacred by Obesity and Speed Keyhole Back Cami Yes, that's right, Urban Outfitters, that hip, hip, underground clothing store now has a line called "Obesity and Speed." Take that, "Truly Madly Deeply!" Or "Made By Elves!" Or "Silence & Noise!" Or "Coincidence & Chance!" Or "Sparkle & Fade", which is an Everclear reference but I guess that slipped through the cracks. Or "Black Milk!" What asshole is being paid to dream up these retarded brand names for Urban Outfitters? I can do it, too. Here are some names that I think are hip right now: "Mice & Horse." "Leaf & Gnome." "Fawn & Anorexia."
Besides the fact that this fits completely terribly and has no shape and is scrunchy and weird-looking, it's $78 and made of polyester. Polyester with lurex in it, in a bid for most "bebe Holiday '97" look possible. Please look at fabric content when you buy clothing- almost anything made of a crappy synthetic fabric is not worth paying for. By the way, this is from the C. Ronson line, (sister of those other Ronsons who don't deserve to be famous even though obviously I support gay Lindsay) which long ago Naira told me I should write a post about because it's all overpriced crap paid for through nepotism. Anyway, I think you're supposed to pair it with the following C. Ronson droopy tank, also $78 and polyester:
Horrible! I see the models are looking as vivacious as ever. Also, now their heads are mostly cropped off in the photos for that porny American Apparel look.
Who is styling these shots? I was going to suggest a crackwhore, but it really looks more like they took a sixty-year-old guy on the street ad asked him to pair together the sexiest looks he could find. And he found a fringed tank top and a brown leather mini skirt which by the way you could walk into any Goodwill and find for $4 right now. Why are these two items being put together? Do people buy fringed things? Do fringed things ever look non-ugly or non-tacky (see Conrad, Lauren)? If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: if you're going to dress slutty, please be colorful, glamorous, and over-the-top tacky about it! What is the point of being a slut clad in sad neutrals?
We all knew the Kelly Bundy look was coming back (somethig I clearly support; I have always admired her style. Seriously.*) but what about an early 90's skank look combined with that of a matador? Huh? Personally, I would buy it simply because it's from their creative "Urban Renewal" line, where they "rework" vintage clothes into something superhot. I've been attracted to it ever since going to an Urban Outfitters in like eighth grade and seeing they had all these pilled, scabby looking used hoodie sweatshirts that had been "revamped" with pyramid studs and were on sale for $65. Well, at $58, here's another steal!
OhmyGOD. What the HELL. Who would buy this ($118) thing based on this image? Apparently some girl who has reviewed it, claiming not only that she has not tried it, but that it has a "good fit." That armpit cleavage thing that happens with strapless dresses is so unfortunate. You know, one of my first posts ever was to warn people away from the then-hot trend of wearing skirts as dresses. I would also like to warn people from wearing dresses that look like skirts.