Thursday, November 13, 2008

Urban Outfitters: Still Ugly

This is ugly and stupid and all, and as everyone else I am so sick of screenprints that I think I might puke, but the real reason I wanted to post this is the name: Nothing Sacred by Obesity and Speed Keyhole Back Cami Yes, that's right, Urban Outfitters, that hip, hip, underground clothing store now has a line called "Obesity and Speed." Take that, "Truly Madly Deeply!" Or "Made By Elves!" Or "Silence & Noise!" Or "Coincidence & Chance!" Or "Sparkle & Fade", which is an Everclear reference but I guess that slipped through the cracks. Or "Black Milk!" What asshole is being paid to dream up these retarded brand names for Urban Outfitters? I can do it, too. Here are some names that I think are hip right now: "Mice & Horse." "Leaf & Gnome." "Fawn & Anorexia."

Besides the fact that this fits completely terribly and has no shape and is scrunchy and weird-looking, it's $78 and made of polyester. Polyester with lurex in it, in a bid for most "bebe Holiday '97" look possible. Please look at fabric content when you buy clothing- almost anything made of a crappy synthetic fabric is not worth paying for. By the way, this is from the C. Ronson line, (sister of those other Ronsons who don't deserve to be famous even though obviously I support gay Lindsay) which long ago Naira told me I should write a post about because it's all overpriced crap paid for through nepotism. Anyway, I think you're supposed to pair it with the following C. Ronson droopy tank, also $78 and polyester:
Horrible! I see the models are looking as vivacious as ever. Also, now their heads are mostly cropped off in the photos for that porny American Apparel look.

Who is styling these shots? I was going to suggest a crackwhore, but it really looks more like they took a sixty-year-old guy on the street ad asked him to pair together the sexiest looks he could find. And he found a fringed tank top and a brown leather mini skirt which by the way you could walk into any Goodwill and find for $4 right now. Why are these two items being put together? Do people buy fringed things? Do fringed things ever look non-ugly or non-tacky (see Conrad, Lauren)? If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: if you're going to dress slutty, please be colorful, glamorous, and over-the-top tacky about it! What is the point of being a slut clad in sad neutrals?

We all knew the Kelly Bundy look was coming back (somethig I clearly support; I have always admired her style. Seriously.*) but what about an early 90's skank look combined with that of a matador? Huh? Personally, I would buy it simply because it's from their creative "Urban Renewal" line, where they "rework" vintage clothes into something superhot. I've been attracted to it ever since going to an Urban Outfitters in like eighth grade and seeing they had all these pilled, scabby looking used hoodie sweatshirts that had been "revamped" with pyramid studs and were on sale for $65. Well, at $58, here's another steal!

OhmyGOD. What the HELL. Who would buy this ($118) thing based on this image? Apparently some girl who has reviewed it, claiming not only that she has not tried it, but that it has a "good fit." That armpit cleavage thing that happens with strapless dresses is so unfortunate. You know, one of my first posts ever was to warn people away from the then-hot trend of wearing skirts as dresses. I would also like to warn people from wearing dresses that look like skirts.



Julia said...

"What is the point of being a slut clad in sad neutrals?"

Mary, when will your book be published? I would like to purchase a few advance copies.

jon said...

Dear Mary,
I love your blog. This post is fucking hilarious. You can sign me up for a pre-release copy of any future book as well...
oh, and you have impeccable taste too.

I have this wierd feeling that maybe we both work for the same company but I am not sure. I totally get all your fashion references because of my job and I feel like only another person who works for the same company could possibly know this stuff. I don't want to just say it though because I assume that you, much like myself, like to keep your personal life seperate from your blog life so that stalkers don't chop you up... hmn... okay... wierd corparate reference you would get if I am right...
"It is important to have two legs to stand on: customer service and inventory"
am I right?
if I am wrong, sorry for the confusion...
Jon from Gaycondo...

Simone said...

I've got another urban outfitters brand name: sad & slutty.

M said...

hi jon,
unfortunately i work for goodwill industries, at a "vintage" store they run. (here is goodwill's motto: "keep it fresh! keep it alive!" what the hell? it should be "keep everything at the lowest costs possible because store maintainence is a luxury we cannot afford even though goodwill is totally rich.")

i am intrigued by the clues you have left and if you have any advice as far as getting a real/corporate job i would like to hear it!

anyway, i feel like i SORT of know you because you went to school with simone and gaby, so don't worry about it!

i am ready for my book deal as well! i'm sure they're going to come a-knockin' real soon...i'm hearing a lot of buzz in publishing industry circles about how high my advance will be.