Saturday, December 27, 2008

Fugliest Shoes EVER!!!

Whilst browsing through Simone's Elle magazine featuring new pre-spring fashion shows or whatever the hell is going on right now (plus an article about Beyonce where she is referred to simply as "B" because I guess she doesn't go by Beyonce anymore? Is this true?), I came across this page, and I literally gasped in horror at the supreme fugliness of the shoes in the collage below. (Simone scanned it in for me, as these shoes are just so "latest five minutes" I couldn't find a photo.)

Yes, all these shoes are fugly. In case you haven't noticed, the way to create an of-the-moment shoe is to start with a really massive platform, and then start gluing random shit to it. Maybe some metallic, or some fringe. Pyramid studs? Yes, please! Oh, there is some extra space near the toe! How about a chunky chain-link strap, or maybe a dangling robot charm? I think the Rodarte shoes mentioned in this post fall neatly under this category, as do the Louis Vuittons and Pradas also in the collage, and the shoes I have selected below.

But let's get down to the really, serious issue, the blue satin monstrosities in the lower left corner:

To quote the way screams were written in the Babysitters Club series, Aughhhh!!!! It's a blue satin platform espadrille in front- so, it's shaping up to be fugly anyway, because espadrilles are usually ugly and it doesn't make sense to pair the casual, ratty-looking rattan sole with a glossy, fancy fabric, and also the toe and platform (of the moment! of the moment!) are gross and huge and weirdly square, but the really scary part is how, once the back of the shoe is reached, the rattan disappears and we have a spindly, shiny black heel. And ballet strap lacing! Why?! It's like this shoe is the mutant, deformed child of two ugly shoe parents.

God, Marc Jacobs, I can't believe I used to like you! And now you have a Spongebob Squarepants tattoo and design shit like this. He needs to stop working out and get back on the coke and stop Mystic Tanning and start wearing vintage Mickey Mouse sweatshirts with Converse again.

Old Marc:

New (actual photo of Marc Jacobs/not image from
PS (Edited to ADD): I can't believe I wrote this entire post neglecting to mention that Simone literally VIP partied with both B and MJ during her highly glamorous trip to the star-studded Miami art thing, Art Basel. Also, she saw Mystery, Matador, and his various people from The Pick-Up Artist! And they were talking about "the game!" Also, the ho who won Paris Hilton's BFF, whoever that is! God, that is several, several steps up from the Paul Giamatti* sighting I recently had in NYC, am I right? PPS: *Bitch looks no better in person!

1 comment:

Simone said...

All I have to say is what I've already told everyone already: When I was in Miami for Art Basel a few weeks ago, I ended up at a VIP party hosted by Lenny Kravitz, whose guests included Beyonce (who for serious is the most beautiful woman in the world, ever) and Marc Jacobs. Mr. Jacobs was wearing a navy blue SKORT (I kid you not. It was like a pleated kilt in the front, shorts in the back) and GLADIATOR SANDALS. And, like, a white button down shirt. Also, he is about 5' 4" tall. And annoying! I can't believe he is the same person who made all of that adorable vintage-looking stuff that mary and I used to make special trips to the macy's downtown to look at! In conclusion, I also think he got facial surgery and there is a really scary photo of him in the latest Bazaar (the one with posh spice on the cover) where he's naked and covering his dick with his hand and as if that isn't horrifying enough it looks like he has scars from a boob job. In conclusion, Marc Jacobs: You are a hack! I should have thrown my complimentary grey goose vodka drink in your smarmy face!