Old-Fashioned Ugly Urban Post: Take that, Eugene O'Neill!

Gross. In the past couple (five?) years, it became "cool" to have an ugly holiday sweater party, and it seems that Urban has recently got hip to this and is now "renewing" some fugly sweaters that are not even close to being vintage. I remember people buying them at the store I worked at in Philadelphia, and always found it depressing that people were spending money on something ugly when they could be wearing something pretty/cool. No matter where you live, they're not exactly hard to find for significantly cheaper than $34 at a real thrift store. But the most truly witty and ironic versions can be had at Urban, where they seem to be doing little to nothing to enhance these stupid sweaters and jack up the price. Fun fact: Tory Burch's now ex-husband (and probs her) grew rich on importing these in the 80's!

Wait, what? What is the political statement here, exactly? JFK was shot well before Changes was even written, and Changes was also written well before David Bowie had a lightning bolt on his face anyway!!! This is like the stupidest wannabe pop-art mashup ever. I notice that new Urban is trying to stray from the goth thing and now be a little punk/biker, but either way they remain edgy as hell. Do you even dare to wear this in polite company???

This one is just so cool. It has these cool, deep things written on it, and it looks really old and torn and stuff, but it actually just came out of a factory overseas this way!

Haha, this one also has some totes random gibberish on it too! It's like some dark, edgy gibberish. Actually, who cares it's not like I feel bad for Eugene O'Neill not like he never got any credit.

I can understand the appeal of the cut-out back as much as anyone, but not everything is meant to have a cut-out. A plaid flannel shirt is one of those things. How do you even wear a bra with this? Who wants to wear a baggy flannel shirt without a bra? 

This is just sad Urban styling. Maybe the ill-fitting skirt could work in a fun 70's way, maybe the top would be okay with black skinny jeans or a silver mini or something, but together this is just a sad, weird combo. Who would look at this image and think, "I want that look. I want that to be me."? On the plus side, the model's hair has slightly more volume than years past.

Ugh! Why is there a back cut-out and a tie that ties underneath over your jeans? It really seems like Urban is desperate to add more, more, more back cut-outs and details wherever they can be found! But it's like, you gotta know when to fold 'em. And that was before you added that droopy butt tie. Plus, over jeans, that's weird.

So, they're back. Maybe. Just as a I predicted, yin-yangs seem to be slowly edging their way back from 90's-era dominance to regain a coveted spot upon the bodies of the young people who have $34 to spend on this t-shirt. This tee brings to mind wonderful memories for me: sleepaway camp in 1994, puberty, biker shorts.... But you don't need to have a personal connection with this shirt to see that it's ugly. With the dasiy yin- yangs, the dirty look, the splotchy tie-dye, it's all there before your eyes!

Ugly Urban: The Blog Went Away, but It Didn't

I have working internet again, in case anyone wants to come back to read this blog! Tell your friends. Sorry I haven't posted in forever.
Jeez Louise! Are people going to buy these? Based on my brand and trend knowledge, I'm going to guess no.








Truly, each of these t-shirts is uglier than the next. I guess people aren't interested in the tight tee, everyone wants it big and sloppy and covered with a hideous "native" or the same slogan that was on your lime green baby tee from 2004.

I know I've criticized the ugliness of this shirt before, but I also haven't updated this blog in a long time. What about this isn't ugly, I ask?



This is the kind of pouchy overall front I've been dreaming Urban would renew for their Urban Renewal line. Coincidentally, urban renewal is the name used to wipe out old, "blighted" neighborhoods and replace them with horrible modern government-issued buildings and kick out all the low-income people who previously lived there. Kind of like how Urban Outfitters is a huge monolithic company whose designs mimic those of secondhand clothes and has taken over a huge market of youth who think they are being edgy.

This look is soooo pretty. I would definitely wear this skirt with the tie-dyed tee, but I'd throw in those chunky slingback oxfords from the top of this post, too.

BTW, there are other reasons not to shop at Urban Outiftters besides the staggering ugliness and mass production of their cheaply made clothes; they steal designs from small artists and the CEO is a conservative Rebublican who contributes to gay-hater/right-wing senator Rick Santorum.

Ugly Urban: Side Boob & CK One

This strange skirt has a Halloween superstore vibe.

OMG I can't wait to wear this look for fall! I am literally standing in line at Urban Outfitters buying this shapeless greige $189 sweater and this sexy poly sheer maxi. Literally.

Here's another joyous looking outfit featuring that skirt, which I guess actually is wool and costs $170. Are people really going to be wearing these skirts? Really? I wish people were just wearing the shapely and awesome maxi skirts of the 70s instead, but those have too much life- the current hip look is all about not trying hard, not being coordinated, not wearing colors, and not looking fun.

Also, these looks really evoke 90s minimalism, which I am predicting may be the next hip thing. Like, maybe soon people will be wearing slip dresses and long gray jersey skirts with nary a print in sight. During those 90's minimalist times, they used to feature rich people's homes in Vogue magazine, and it used to be like a single chair in a room. Maybe that will come back too?

Hey little Indians, maybe it's time to give these tired ass "Navajo" prints a rest. Remember when the colonialist/hipster Indian look was all about mocassins and feathers and wearing a band around your head and then that trend died but then came this surge of "ethnic" prints to replace it?

$143 for this! And to think, you could just swathe yourself in one of those tan colored plastic grocery bags for free.
Gross! You can't combine the open back cut-out look with the saggy neutral drape look, because you just get something lank and vaginal. If you're going to have a cut-out back, at least look like an early 90's ho.

This is like the most undignified look ever. It differs from the other looks, because it's not so 90's and more sexy toddler. Also, like, are you seriously supposed to wear just a bra in place of a shirt and parade around in public? I hate how all these clothes are supposed to be incidentally sexy, not in a self-aware, empowered way, but like you don't even know you have side-boob.

Ugly Urban: Making Sweatshirts Matter

Urban Outfitters is collaborating with a fresh batch of designers- designers with names like Wood Wood. Speaking of Wood Wood, let's see what Wood Wood has to offer!

I like this model because her face seems to be saying it all, and there isn't much more to say than "Damn, this is ugly."

This is by "Stolen Girlfriends Club" which is kind of like the name of a Beat Happening song, except Beat Happening would have rejected the corporate machine that produced this sweatshirt, preferring instead a baby tee with a sharpie cat on it worn by an underage girl. Says Urban Outfitters: The rules of New Zealand's Stolen Girlfriends Club: a youthful rebellious spirit, a healthy sense of humor and the ability to entertain and make things matter. Talk about meaningless drivel! Here they are making a gray sweatshirt with fringe matter, and all for the low low price of $234. It is really in the style of the 80's/Jerri Blank fringed shirt, already mentioned here.


This is called a Yeti bolero because it is reminiscent of the famed snow monster. This dynamic piece, $234, is paired with saggy high waisted pants. Everyone is wearing the short shorts version of these pants this summer, making it the summer of the saggy ass.

It's pretty hard to imagine someone paying $200 for this. It seems like an insult to people in war-torn countries who wear stuff like this because they have no choice.

Too bad I can't manage to paste in the back view of these Shakuhachi Cold as Ice Sweat Pants, which are $248, because it's a doozy. Why are young people today doing this to themselves?! Those band-aid colored shoes aren't doing this look any favors, either.

Here's another gem by Wood Wood, a "pullover sweatshirt...topped with a ghostly graphic at the front." I love when the fronts of things are topped with stuff, especially when the ghostly graphic is a leaf with eyes on it. Am I missing something here? Something this sweatshirt is topped with seems off....but what?

Move Over, Dockers

Customers think this, the "Boxy [for serious] Cardigan" is: CUTE(559) LOVE(110) COMFY(90) SHEER(13). I guess 12-year olds can submit qualities they believe embody the garment. (I suggested "greige" for this dress.) Really its his is very J. JILL. But according to some internets research, it looks like J. Jill is going for a more Eileen Fisher look, but then again, so is Urban Oufitters. Anyway, the point is, you could replace the tags of Eileen Fisher clothes and put "Obesity and Speed" tags over them and Urban shoppers would be none the wiser.

I actually have nothing against this dress, except that it's length is so babyish. Why is everything a puffy little skirt? Maybe it's because I'm old, but I find it degrading to dress like this. At least a tight mini pencil-style skirt puts it all out there. This seems like it should be worn with pom-pom socks and a Skip-It.
Here's a fun little number. It kind of looks like the print is of bats, and then that would make this item worth having. But it's just a sad 90's floral or something. I love the extreme side-part on the model's hair- dynamite! This whole thing is explosive!!!

Here's another non-dress with a non-style, except that it's sort of 90's looking, or I guess, on closer inspection, really 90's looking.


Pleated khakis! See, Dockers is trying so hard with their new ad campaign about how if you don't wear Dockers you're gay, but what they don't realize that they shouldn't have changed their designs and just stuck with the pleated khakis that they're known for, because that's hip in it's own way too. But don't wear them non-rolled up, because then everyone remembers that they are pleated khakis.


Here we have the "flutter" short. Good god, these are so fugly. I remember wearing stuff like this. They make your butt look terrible, and it's unsettling to wear pants so flowy. These would be worn with scrunch socks and Keds; they are more 1993 than 96, you know?

I'll close with this darling dress and the fugliest floral ever. Also, I think this is a different model but she also has an extreme side-part.

Mad About Urban Outfitters

Hey, does anyone remember the show Mad About You? Boring Helen Hunt, the always grating Paul Reiser, sort of yuppies, the 90's? You know, as a kid you will watch almost anything: Professional Wrestling, Weekend at the Apollo, Home Improvement...but when the Mad About You theme song began, I couldn't change the channel fast enough (I feel the opening credits clearly show why.) As the blandest of "adult" sitcoms, focusing on adorable relationship foibles, it was everything I hated about TV, and to top it all off, it looked SO boring.

And, without further adieu, I bring you some new Urban Outfitters clothes, clearly inspired by the puffy chambray shirts and unnecessary vests of Paul Reiser and the high-waisted faded jeans and boxy blazers of Helen Hunt. You know, designers spend thousands researching their inspirations, but why bother when such sartorial splendor is only a remote-click away?

Ohmygooood this is so ugly. I just don't understand why anyone would want to wear something like this. What draws you in? If you want to look like absolutely nothing [ie, Helen Hunt], why pay so much for it? This is $100!!!


This is a stonewashed shirt- very Paul Reiser! It also comes in bleached chambray and tie-dye, to be worn for more of a "world music" look! Did you know these are just old shirts Urban Outfitters hand "splatter bleach finished?" What can't those geniuses do?


Alright, probabaly no one on Mad About You would wear this- maybe a kooky aunt? Anyway, what is going on here?! A faux fur vest paired with a washed silk oversized blouse? If you're going to wear a faux fur vest, even one this ugly, at least try for a little glam rock panache a la Brian Eno in his Roxy Music days! Why is everyone so willing to wear fugly, strange clothes like harem pants but only in the most muted and boring ways possible???





Once, not long ago, I worked at a very trendy vintage store that happened to be located right near Urban Outfitters headquarters. The store was full of hipsters and 90's stuff that flew off the shelves. Occasionally some young ladies wearing a belted oversized silk blouse and whatnot would come in and buy a lot of stuff with the Urban Outfitters credit card, so they could be "inspired" by the stuff for their designs, then manufacture brand new copies of this shit and sell them for far more than even our jacked-up prices. And everyone at my job would be like, "They don't even go to real thrift stores! The stuff is already picked out for them! Easiest job ever!"

Indeed. One would almost think, to make this garment, an "Urban" buyer closed their eyes and plunged straight into the next available sale rack, but I guess it was carefully chosen? This blouse looks like the kind of blouse they still sell at stores that have displays like this out front.

So ugly and 90's and boring and ill-fitting and weird. And so paired with an off-white silk blouse. We truly are moving into the mid 90's as "vintage" and "inspirational." Isn't Urban Outfitters worried that soon they will have covered the whole 90's and then we are going to end up overlapping even more and nothing will be "in" or "out" anymore? Also, how are they ever going to "draw inspiration" from the 2000s as nothing original happened through out the entire decade, fashion wise? Maybe these purses will come back? Who knows? Start buying everything, because tomorrow it could be popular!

PS: "They're not going to like my NYPD Shoe sketch! It's basically the same thing!"