Horrifying and Horrible Things I have Found on eBay Lately

This went for like $160! Huge blazers are getting their sleeves scrunched up these days, in order to distract you from the fact that you are wearing a huge blazer.

This dress was identified as being by the designer Kathi Lee. God, I wish I could go back in time to a Wal-Mart in 1996 and get these fresh off the racks!

Now it's not just shapeless short floral 90's dresses, but the long Mormon-y ones have also hit the scene. If you don't believe me, look at this photo of fashion icon Lindsay Lohan:

Also, this jumpsuit photo is worth posting:

The shape of this makes for an unsettling look.

Oh god, it's rayon floral shorts attached to a denim top! And it has two bids.

Isn't this darling? I'm also predicting these denim and chambray pieces embroidered with Winnie the Pooh and friends but made for adult women are what simply everyone will be wearing by fall. One needs only add strappy platform bondage heels and a bowler hat. In the parlance of fashion blogs, I am totally "coveting" and "obsessing" over these!

Ugly Urban: 1997 Looms Before Us

I am back after my long absence! Not that I've been doing nothing. I've been watching a lot of Golden Girls (I always dismissed that show because I thought people my age liked it the way they like, Full House or something but it's actually the greatest show ever) and got to level 25 in Tetris. That's right- Level 25!!!! Onto some fugly Urban stuff!

Here's some horrible linen shorts! They have been taken off the website for some reason, but they were pretty expensive, like $118. Anyway, check out that back view! I'm all for a good set of hips, but this kind of looks like the results of a reverse liposuction procedure, during which the fat was shot back in in a strange and lumpen way. And what says "saddlebag" better than a droopy thigh cargo pocket?

I hate those last shorts and all, but I actually hate these shorts WAY more. This is the shorts version of the Jerry Seinfeld jean, or "man pants", if you will. Like, if they went all the way down, they'd end in an intense balloony taper and some chunky white athletic sneakers for sure. At least those last shorts kind of tried to have a shape; these promise a "loose fit with a high rise and wide leg." Additionally, they are "topped with allover wear and abrasions for a lived-in look." And they are $54. Hasn't anyone ever been to a thrift store, in which you can find nothing but baggy, pale blue 501s that look exactly like this and already have abrasions on them from years of some bloated middle-aged man wearing them with one of those Old Navy flag t-shirts and a pair of wraparound mirrored sunglasses?



This item, an oversized linen jacket, has also been taken off the website, but it was about $120. I just don't understand why an item like this is being marketed to teenagers. This garment, and everything about is, screams "upper-middle class middle aged NPR listener trying to hide her middle aged body by cloaking it in something billowing and ultimately far worse than something skintight." Right? The only way I can see this working for a teen would be in an 80's goth, Alley Sheedy in The Breakfast Club kind of way, as opposed to being paired with the flabby aforementioned Jerry Seinfeld shorts:



Speaking of which, everyone in this photo looks like a hipster from today/John Bender really predated grunge, and also speaking of which, this scene never actually occurred in the movie because I've seen it seven million times, and speaking of which again, all John Hughes films have some sort of terrible anti-feminist message. But whatever! What doesn't, right? Certainly not the new Seth Rogan movie! As if I couldn't hate him any more!

This $28 "eternity" scarf looks like a long intestine. And its lively puce and black print's adding a whole lot of sass to that baggy gray sack!

Some pictures speak for themselves. This is one of them. Poor Victor Hugo. Perhaps along with his Urban should offer a free trip to Paris to desiccate his grave? 



This beauty looks like someone as talented as I am at sewing glued some old scarves to a training bra. They call it a "housedress silhouette" and they obviously have no idea what that means. It's funny, because because bubble hems came out in the late fifties and usually accompanied this very structured, avant-garde silhouette, but now bubble hems=the diaper look (which is still going strong, based on those first shorts.) The puffy cut of this dress and lack of a waistline is so boxy and unflattering and just flows so badly. The only good thing about this look is that it is not completely in shades of tan, iron, chambray, or grayish brown. 

In conclusion, there were waaaaaay more fugly pieces up on the website, including a lot of 90's revival stuff but not even early to mid 90's but like late 90's, which is sad and confusing. Here are some hot looks I see getting even RED HOTTER as summer approaches (Why I don't get paid for predicting trends, I have NO idea!!!)

The Dave Navarro look: 

You know, tattoo-print flares, pierced nipples, artful facial hair....remember how like everyone thought Dave Navarro was really hot like eight years ago? And you were like, "Am I seeing the same person other people see?" Well, get ready for phase 2!

Wraparound shades, preferably mirrored: 

If you really know what's up, you'll be pairing them with a nice and baggy promotional polo:

And to top it all off, a nice thick pair of platform Skechers (It's been too long, I say!):



Keep in mind I was right about Blossom hats!
PS: Dave Navarro before all the rhinoplasty/ 'tox

Ugly UO: Shall It Never End?

What a steal, this "Palm Tree Printed Bianca Tunic" has been marked down to 7.99! I know I'm always talking about my dreams of dressing like a baby prostitute from 1982, but an item like this just kind of makes me face the sober reality of that particular situation. Maybe it wouldn't be all gold lamé hot pants and orange Candies and huge earrings. It could be as sad as this. And it's like really, boots? You're pairing boots with a long t-shirt that has palm trees on it? Okay, I guess.

You know, Delia's now has full pages of models in their underwear. And it's just like, I don't think the fourteen year olds who buy from Delia's and Urban need to see these images. They're nothing wrong with laying the lingerie on the ground and taking a picture of it like that. They don't need to see these jutting hipbones and protruding clavicles, okay? You've already made them feel bad enough about themselves with your bony, lank-ass models fully clothed.



And now back to these shorts, which, of course are polyester. These are so wide-legged (thighed?) that probably both the model's legs could fit into one of them. I'm really not against shorts in general, but these are so bulky and pleated they look like they should be paired with a raspberry, shoulder-padded blazer and wave bangs, Also, this is bordering on a formal short, a trend I thought was dead, but Urban seems to be clinging onto, with their cold, lifeless hands that are probably wearing ironic rings and whatnot.

This UO Artist Series Zip Up was originally a very overpriced $78. I guess what you are paying for is this gorgeous original artwork by LA-based artist Wil Lin, which looks a lot like the artwork I criticized recently, but more clothed. This is an example of when an artist and a designer "collaborate" which means the artist's designs are pasted on a sweatshirt. And seriously, why did they hire this dude when they could have just copied this exact drawing from the doodles on a twelve year old girl's math homework? (This is kind of a good idea for a clothing line, actually.)

These are called the Cheap Monday Jogging Pant, but we all know we are not actually supposed to jog in them, as evidenced by the fact that the model is wearing some sort of weird slippers. Okay, does anyone remember the name of those pants that everyone had in the early 90's that were really brightly colored and patterned and had an elastic waist and a little label in front? Something like ZAMZ or JAMZ? (then again, what wasn't called that in the early 90's?) I had a pair that were bright yellow, bright turquoise, black, and maybe some other colors. They were a real psychedelic freakout. These are more like a panic attack, but they're along the same lines.

Is That A Woodland Creature in Your Pants, Or...

Am I blind? Is this girl blind? Someone is if they think wearing high-waisted, pleated, blousy short shorts is a good idea, particularly while kneeling on a bare mattress. It looks like a small, bulky animal is trying to escape from inside.

Return of the Ugly Shorts, Part III: The Bulge of Doom

Those high-waisted Topshop shorts I've already mentioned twice in this blog have made another appearance on some street style blog, once again over-accessorized with some kicky nautical pieces. These shorts are perfect when you want your bottom half to look like a rectangular block, with a bit of a crotch bulge to add pizazz.

And sorry to be a traditionalist, but shorts are for bare legs, when it's hot out, not to be worn with a pointless scarf, black tights, white Keds (actually, don't wear white Keds with black tights ever) , a gold quilted purse, and yellow sunglasses. Do that, and you run the risk of having someone in a denim vest out-classing you.

High Waisted Shorts Sold Out at UO

There were other pictures of these on the Urban Outfitters website, but I think the picture says it all. At $68, these extra high rise, corset-waisted shorts were flying off the shelves. Luckily, there's always this Highwaisted Denim Shortie available if you're craving something wildly unflattering.

Return of the Ugly Shorts

Not long after I dissed these super-hideous high-waisted shorts, this image appeared on the Face Hunter, of a young lass wearing the very same 1992 Great America Amusement Park-esque pair. And, if you had any doubt these shorts were ugly and unflattering, take a moment and enlarge this photo. Because not only does she look lumpen and rectangular, she looks like she's got quite a bulge hidden under that strained red denim.

Of course, pairing them with that charming little patchwork purse, (plus the unfortunate tights and knee socks combination) isn't helping matters any, but it's not like they would have looked good with anything anyway.

Pairing Them with Pointy Flats Doesn't Make It Okay

If I were to use a word that describes how I feel about overalls, that word would be "repulsion." I remember, in sixth grade, I started feeling all this pressure to wear cool clothes, and, at some point, I kind of resolved to just wear denim overall shorts like everyday. Perhaps I paired them with a bodysuit, or something crushed velvet. The point is, overalls are one of those items that I just didn't think would be "back" any time soon.

But surprise, surprise, overalls are all over Face Hunter (as this droopy/sassy number pair are) and Hel Looks and what have you. To be honest, she looks less like a hipster and more like someone who's one step away from wearing Skechers, but she's probably just French or something. The point is: overalls are creeping into some people's wardrobes the same way they appear to be creeping into this ladies crotch. You have been forewarned.

Taking Risks

It's all very well and good when you think things have potential on the hanger, but putting them on your body is another story. Being well-dressed is much more about putting things together in a creative, and yes, flattering way than it is about choosing "unique" items and wearing them just because you're into the "illusion" of having nothing but a bra on, when, in fact, you're wearing a mesh shirt for some reason. Case in point: this outfit.

Here we have high-waisted, pleated linen shorts that crinkle rather perfectly into an oversized camel toe (If you try on pants or shorts that pull and crinkle over your hips and thighs like that, don't buy them- they're supposed to lie flat, not look like they're being sucked into your crotch) and a trompe lo'oiel top that I guess is supposed to fool people into thinking you're not wearing a shirt.

Clothing should be fun. You should take risks and wear things that other people are afraid of. But you should also consider whether that item looks good on you, and if you're wearing it because it happens to be popular right now or if it truly is a special item. When your wonderful, unique look also happens to be all over H&M, maybe it's time to rethink your inspiration. And then of course some things are just eternally ugly.

Who Wears Ultra High Waist Short-Shorts?

Through my internet detective work, I was lucky enough to get both a stock photo of these shorts, as well as them on an actual human being. So, if you looked at the pic on the right and thought "But maybe they'd work on a body", now you'd know that thought would be wrong.

The girl on the right looks really, really lumpy and shapeless in this Ultra High Waist Short, though I doubt she really is. They create a blocky, rectangular figure, and they really don't work with that dishrag of a tank top, which adds to the overall sloppiness and shapelessness (I guess I would suggest a fitted white blouse for a more flattering, 40's look, but what I really suggest is burning these shorts.)

Ohmygod, looking at the shorts gallery is like being flashed back to a hot summer day at Great America Theme Park in San Mateo, circa 1991. Look at these! And these! I'm gonna get a perm and gel my bangs and add some Keds and work it.

Long in the crotch: A Post About shorts

These shorts were on sale at H&M. My friend and I traveled all around this store and others, taking photos of offending items, and these really topped the list. Sure, their beige color and linen fabric are real ugly, but let’s get to the outstandingly fugly here: the exxxxxxxtra long crotch. Why?

I wish I’d tried these babies on, because I’m sure the back view would have been pretty amazing. I mean, who hasn’t looked for something high in the waist with a nice foot-long drop from waist to crotch? Simone referred to the shorts as a “burlap loincloth”, which I feel is 100% accurate. The real mystery is: Who bought these? And what were they trying to hide?

Sacks for the Lower Half

Shorts began a reign of terror about two years ago, overtaking skirts and pants as the hottest below-waist look, and followed, hot on the heels, by the legging. All of a sudden people were wearing shiny shorts to formal events, or, worse, wearing baggy, pleated bermudas with a pair of tights and high heels. Currently, "bermuda" is used to describe the more fitted (and infinitely more flattering) pedal-pusher-esque short, like this one, but to me, bermudas tend to evoke a heavy, pleated, knee-length, and extremely roomy pair of shorts- the kind ugly American tourists wearing Hawaiian shirts tend to wear and make you ashamed of your country.

Shorts seem to have cooled as a major trend, and for this I am mostly thankful, even though I did purchase a pair of (non-pleated, non- baggy) red sailor-style shorts during the craze. However, we still have offerings like these Marc by Marc Jacobs Brushed Wool Shorts, on sale for $114, down from $228. (What, nobody bought? Did they miss the even more horrifying back view???) These awful shorts are wool, which is a puzzling fabric for the short, and I have thought so ever since I received a pair of bright red wool plaid shorts (with matching red chenille sweater!) for Hanukkah when I was like nine and could never quite figure out how to wear them. These shorts are so huge they resemble a kind of twisted skirt/diaper hybrid, and have what Marge Simpson might call a "balloon seat." Additionally, pairing them with sheer black tights and combat-y boots give the whole look an unsettling utilikilt vibe. (In case you are wondering what that website sells, it's freedom.) These shorts are perfect if you are craving that large and saggy look, and adding the whole Goth/SS touch just makes them that more of the moment.