Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Ugly Urban: 1997 Looms Before Us

I am back after my long absence! Not that I've been doing nothing. I've been watching a lot of Golden Girls (I always dismissed that show because I thought people my age liked it the way they like, Full House or something but it's actually the greatest show ever) and got to level 25 in Tetris. That's right- Level 25!!!! Onto some fugly Urban stuff!

Here's some horrible linen shorts! They have been taken off the website for some reason, but they were pretty expensive, like $118. Anyway, check out that back view! I'm all for a good set of hips, but this kind of looks like the results of a reverse liposuction procedure, during which the fat was shot back in in a strange and lumpen way. And what says "saddlebag" better than a droopy thigh cargo pocket?

I hate those last shorts and all, but I actually hate these shorts WAY more. This is the shorts version of the Jerry Seinfeld jean, or "man pants", if you will. Like, if they went all the way down, they'd end in an intense balloony taper and some chunky white athletic sneakers for sure. At least those last shorts kind of tried to have a shape; these promise a "loose fit with a high rise and wide leg." Additionally, they are "topped with allover wear and abrasions for a lived-in look." And they are $54. Hasn't anyone ever been to a thrift store, in which you can find nothing but baggy, pale blue 501s that look exactly like this and already have abrasions on them from years of some bloated middle-aged man wearing them with one of those Old Navy flag t-shirts and a pair of wraparound mirrored sunglasses?

This item, an oversized linen jacket, has also been taken off the website, but it was about $120. I just don't understand why an item like this is being marketed to teenagers. This garment, and everything about is, screams "upper-middle class middle aged NPR listener trying to hide her middle aged body by cloaking it in something billowing and ultimately far worse than something skintight." Right? The only way I can see this working for a teen would be in an 80's goth, Alley Sheedy in The Breakfast Club kind of way, as opposed to being paired with the flabby aforementioned Jerry Seinfeld shorts:

Speaking of which, everyone in this photo looks like a hipster from today/John Bender really predated grunge, and also speaking of which, this scene never actually occurred in the movie because I've seen it seven million times, and speaking of which again, all John Hughes films have some sort of terrible anti-feminist message. But whatever! What doesn't, right? Certainly not the new Seth Rogan movie! As if I couldn't hate him any more!

This $28 "eternity" scarf looks like a long intestine. And its lively puce and black print's adding a whole lot of sass to that baggy gray sack!

Some pictures speak for themselves. This is one of them. Poor Victor Hugo. Perhaps along with his Urban should offer a free trip to Paris to desiccate his grave? 

This beauty looks like someone as talented as I am at sewing glued some old scarves to a training bra. They call it a "housedress silhouette" and they obviously have no idea what that means. It's funny, because because bubble hems came out in the late fifties and usually accompanied this very structured, avant-garde silhouette, but now bubble hems=the diaper look (which is still going strong, based on those first shorts.) The puffy cut of this dress and lack of a waistline is so boxy and unflattering and just flows so badly. The only good thing about this look is that it is not completely in shades of tan, iron, chambray, or grayish brown. 

In conclusion, there were waaaaaay more fugly pieces up on the website, including a lot of 90's revival stuff but not even early to mid 90's but like late 90's, which is sad and confusing. Here are some hot looks I see getting even RED HOTTER as summer approaches (Why I don't get paid for predicting trends, I have NO idea!!!)

The Dave Navarro look: 

You know, tattoo-print flares, pierced nipples, artful facial hair....remember how like everyone thought Dave Navarro was really hot like eight years ago? And you were like, "Am I seeing the same person other people see?" Well, get ready for phase 2!

Wraparound shades, preferably mirrored: 
If you really know what's up, you'll be pairing them with a nice and baggy promotional polo:

And to top it all off, a nice thick pair of platform Skechers (It's been too long, I say!):

Keep in mind I was right about Blossom hats!
PS: Dave Navarro before all the rhinoplasty/ 'tox


Jon said...

I am so glad you are back!
a++ post!

Lizbit said...

I think the fashion world is simply stuck in a rut, as shown by the horrible rehashing of ugly clothing worn merely a decade ago.People in the 50s imagined us in silver jumpsuits by now. I'd take a well-fitting Star Trek uniform over this crap any day.

teach people not books said...

so bad. sooooo bad. the shorts actually incite fury.

Alex said...

Jesus Christ. That third pair looks exactly like my 61-year-old mother's gardening pants. And I love my mama, but she ain't no fashion plate.

As a side note, it's at least a little reassuring that Dave Navarro wasn't born looking like a sex offender.

Simone said...

what about giant "JNCO" raver jeans? you know, the ones with the giant elephant legs? those are sooo going to come back. only it will be more "tailored" and "edited" and "one thousand dollars" this time around. am i right, people?

i look forward to the fashion elite looking to "can't hardly wait" for fashion inspiration. ha. ha. ha.

Ms. X said...

the Dave Navarro look is already sweeping the high schools. at least the one where i work.