And Then I Would Punch Them.

Welcome to "And Then I Would Punch Them," a semi-regular series in which Mary's best friend, aka Simone, spews forth about all that is terrible and ugly in the world of fashion and fashion accessories. Let us begin.

Living in New York City, by simply walking down the street I can easily accrue quite a list of people who deserve to be punched in the face. It's a veritable cornucopia of cat-calling assholes, douchebags who cut in front of you in line, and people who bump you on the subway and don't say "excuse me." But what really makes my blood boil is the horrid fugliness that surrounds me on a daily basis. Excuse me? People? It's not like we live in rural Arkansas and the only clothing available is made of burlap sacks, you know what I mean? Anyway, the propensity of people who live in a town where you can get, literally, anything you want, to dress so... derelicte... is a major pet peeve of mine.

But what really pissed me off today was not something I saw out in the street, or hanging off a mannequin in Anthropologie. It was this necklace:


GODDAMNIT. What THE FUCK, man?!!! There's just something about this I find soooooo incredibly, breathtakingly annoying... Like, it's The Hipster Necklace to End All Hipster Necklaces, like all it needs is it's own half-sized pair of stretch pants and half-sized pair of ballet flats or ugly 80s high top sneakers (in gold) dangling next to it betwixt yon bosom. I mean, REALLY? A small pair of ray-bans? Flattened, made of metal? Hanging around your neck? I mean, if you're going to hang glasses around your neck (like my mom), they should at least serve some practical purpose (Like, uh, MAKING IT SO YOU CAN SEE THINGS) other than, I dunno, letting everyone know that "I see beautiful things beckerman spectacles." (Yes, that's seriously engraved on them). But anyway, if I saw someone wearing these $95 atrocities, I would tell them that I see ugly things, and then I would punch them.

Best Shoes Ever.

I found these 1940's shoes on eBay a couple years ago, and they weren't my size, so I didn't bid on them. But sometimes I think about becoming a shoe designer, and these shoes would definitely be one of those styles I ripped off and pretended was my own ( though maybe I'd make the toe slightly rounder) because they are totally amazing and strange, a cross between a boot (a bootie?) and an oxford, they'd look equally great with pants or a dress. However, I imagine them with a 1940's suit, a la The Women, and a crazy 1940's hat, kind of like this one, but crazier.

Return of the Ugly Shorts

Not long after I dissed these super-hideous high-waisted shorts, this image appeared on the Face Hunter, of a young lass wearing the very same 1992 Great America Amusement Park-esque pair. And, if you had any doubt these shorts were ugly and unflattering, take a moment and enlarge this photo. Because not only does she look lumpen and rectangular, she looks like she's got quite a bulge hidden under that strained red denim.

Of course, pairing them with that charming little patchwork purse, (plus the unfortunate tights and knee socks combination) isn't helping matters any, but it's not like they would have looked good with anything anyway.

A Sack of My Own

I read a lot of fashion blogs, and it has become increasingly popular for writers to take pictures of themselves and post them, which is interesting because it is both a window into the personal style of the author, and a way to keep tabs on those who claim to know a lot about fashion- sometimes I see these photos and think, "Why am I listening to someone who would wear THAT?" Plus, it goes along with the popularity of both the numerous Street Style websites and such communities as Wardrobe Remix on Flickr, which feature head-t0-toe outfit shots.

After looking more closely at the overturned slipper and overall blurriness of this shot, it's actually pretty embarrassing that I am choosing this to represent myself, but I picked it because it features a trend this season: the babydoll/tent dress that I have mentioned/bad-mouthed in oh so many posts. This dress is a children's 70's dress that I bought on eBay for about $10 that was originally floor-length. I shortened it, rather badly, but I was really proud of myself because I can never manage to alter anything. And even though it's too tight in the chest because it was made for a twelve year old, it definitely has the retro, way less sacky shape that tent dresses had in the past as opposed to the straightforward sackiness of, say, this.

It's All Very Sad

Oh MAN. I have been planning, vaguely, to do a post on Courtney Love during her early 90's kinderwhore stage, and talking about how her look/attitude back then was both original and inspirational, and how she seems to be slowly decomposing before our eyes, but would you look at this? Is this nose job #6? What is she going to look like in ten years? Like Joan Rivers' corpse, I guess.

Trends Done Right

Despite being on Face Hunter, I think this young lady looks very cute, and manages to incorporate several trends in a fresh and charming way.

I'm generally not a big fan of the trench (maybe it's my hatred of beige) but this collarless one, with it's puff sleeves, button detail, and a-line cut make it look like a cross between a dress and a coat- and much more shapely and delicate than your usual frumpy trench.

And even though I've never liked pointy shoes (a dying trend, finally) the way she pairs those mary janes with bright yellow tights looks really mod and adorable. I wonder what she's wearing underneath the trench? I picture a little black mod dress, which would also go great with her angled bob. While her outfit has some trendy aspects, it's far from the slave to fashion look all over that website, and she makes her look her own. So, you know, I don't hate everything.

The Devil Wears too Much Sequins and Beige

I guess Anna Wintour has stuck with that bob in hopes of crafting a timeless, Diana Vreeland-like iconic look, but it has always looked more to me as if she just loves the wigs. Which seems to go along with her overall look of clothing wearing her instead of the other way around- she takes risks, but she tends to look more nuts/over accessorized than she does glamorous and creative. It's like everyone's afraid to criticize her, but is she really ever going to be cited as a style icon? I don't think so.

Maybe she should have gone with a nice Zum Zum-esque prom dress like her daughter.