Hats Off to Everyone

Hey dudes, it's time to give these hats a rest! You're not Tom Waits, you're not William Burroughs, and you're not a 1950's-era jazz musician. The amount of men walking around this summer wearing a straw fedora, usually with the waning-but-won't-give-up deep v and shants, is truly devastating. Sometimes you have to take a step back and think, "If Justin Timberlake popularized this trend, does it make it less cool?" The answer is yes.

Here are some more trends and their current status:

FINALLY WANING:

-Mocassins/Minntonkas/fringe/feathers/The "Injun" Look

-Wearing a band around your head

-Huge Glasses

-Aforementioned deep Vs

-Cosby sweaters

-Pointy little oxfords

-Tom's

-Doc Martens

-Flannel

TOTALLY OVER

-Neons/Nu Rave

-Fashion mullets

-Random belts

-Wet look leggings (I did see some in the children's department of Target, though!)

MAXIMUM SATURATION POINT:

-90's florals

-Chambray

-Any fucking kind of stupid hat

-Short puffy high waisted skirts

-Blazers with rolled up sleeves

-Horrible faux leather shrunken bomber jackets

-Big ugly shoes

-Flabby denim cut-offs

-Harem/bulky/pleated pants

-Socks with aforementioned big ugly shoes

HERE TO STAY FOR AWHILE, I GUESS?

-Wayfarers

-Sack dresses

-Rompers

-Leggings as pants

-Thinking skateboarding is cool

-Posing like a frightened but sexy four-year-old

THE FUTURE

-I'm thinking those 90's stretchy tops that you bought at like Gadzooks or Fashion Bug with, like, photo print daisies on them?

-Ball chain necklaces: let's make it happen!

-Ironic XL Tommy Hilfiger?

Trend Report from American Apparel

Gaby sent me the link to these mesh harem pants, the glam "new" style from American Apparel. Reviews confirm that, upon wearing, "Men stare and women compliment!" Wow, men stare, do they? What a commendation! It's so hard to get that to happen! I might just have to slip these on and visit a bodega and let the sheer mesh harem pants do the talking, if you know what I mean! And then I can just transition to a gallery opening or a prix fixe meal or an Opening Ceremony trunk sale and I'll fit right in there too!

Says the reviewer, "I wear it with just a basic bodysuit underneath and a narrow belt on top. You cant find anything like this anywhere else!!" How about a mid 80's workout video? What I hate about American Apparel, besides the fact that they suck in every way, is that it's all about mixing frump with slore. All your sluttiness has to be coded in this weird flowy crotch and lank greasy hair or whatever to distance you from the non-ironic, non-pretentious, "run-of-the-mill" ho who you are so much better than. Speaking of which:

What the hell is up with this?! I've noticed this "new trend" at such places as Topshop, the worst store in the world besides American Apparel and also Opening Ceremony: the long shapeless sheer skirt. Finally, we can combine the dowdiness of a calf-length skirt with the sheerness of your favorite teddy. There us nothing more elegant than a cloud of polyester chiffon on a hot summer's day, especially with a thong underneath. Trust me, since you can see your butt though this, men will stare!

Also, these are the worst:

Also, let's give these monstrous, infantile hair bows a rest:

And lastly:

Visors?! Someday I'm going to take the stock from a dollar store and put new prices on everything and change the sign from Dollar Up to American Apparel and wait for patrons. Half the time I see an old Asian lady on the street carrying recycling I think she is an American Apparel type, and then sometimes the reverse happens.

Mary's Musings: More on Globalization, Bowler Hats

Above: Unique Assorted Looks from Across the World, courtesy of Lookbook, which I always want to make fun of but can't because it is basically this photo repeated 10,000 times.

1. Apparently the Face Hunter has decried globalization, saying:

"Globalization is a myth. The belief that international brands and pop culture are making the world a standardized society populated by clones is an old-skool science-fiction vision of the future, not the reality of the 21st century."

and

"we should talk of 'creole-ization,'" which is "customizing identity from fragments of culture from different parts of world."

and

"Trends are dead, baby! Become what you are' is now a reality."

Well, obviously he's not going to say that everyone looks the same everywhere because of globalization, and that the ten million people wearing a bowler hat and posing pigeon-toed from Norway to Korea is indicative of that.

But it's not like globalization only relates to big brands and corporations. Cultural globalization has everything to do with the fact that everyone with a computer can view people and trends from across the planet, whereas once cultural influences were insular and therefore had to be somewhat unique. It has to do with the fact that people's cultural references came largely from where they were from, instead of from a glowing box. And let us not forget that street style can trickle up or down- the current trend of wearing huge, teetering platforms with crap hanging off them (or "big ugly shoes" as I call them) obviously started with designer fashion, as the style is one of the few thoroughly modern looks popular, and there's not really any skewing going on there.

I have been using my razor-sharp observation skills to look at the people of New York City, where I currently am (uh, do you have a job for me? List of jobs I'm interested in will follow at end of post.*) People in New York look a little more polished, a little more on-point, but they are overwhelmingly just wearing the same trends we have all seen so much and made so much fun of: Saggy pleated shorts, chambray shirts, boxy blazers with rolled sleeves, the aforementioned bowler hat (for the love of god, stop wearing those!!!!!) and, for guys, the Sartorialist look which is at least a cute one.

Lastly, everything today has gotten so fashion-y. There used to be a huge divide between designer and plebeian. Maybe this is apropos of nothing, but remember that Britney Sometimes video? I do. I remember watching it in horror as she capered around in a white cropped turtleneck and baggy pants, like her stylist had walked blindfolded into a Deb sale rack and shortened the first thing he could find into a half-shirt:



Anyway, it blew me away how fugly it was. It was that really thick ribbed knit, too.

I just think this sort of thing wouldn't fly anymore, you know? Everyone collaborates with a designer, and every fashion blog features some fourteen year old jerking off over the new
Alexander Wang collection. When I was in high school, no one knew about this stuff. To them,
"designer" was the Paul Frank monkey or Mavi jeans or something. The pervasive idea that you can take designer looks and "skew" them and make them your own is supposed to democratize fashion, but you're still echoing the establishment- the same with designer capsule collections for cheap stores.

The point is, globalization and the like is more insidious than you think. It's not just kids in remote China eating happy meals, man! And as for the "old-skool [skool??!!] science-fiction vision" of the future, let's not forget if someone from the past flash-forwarded to today and saw a zillion people staring at little glowing screens and wearing wet-look leggings, they'd be pretty freaked out!

2. Words I wish never to hear again:
panini, I hate saying this word, and I hate how every crappy chain restaurant in the world is all over ciabatta and microgreens and all this fancy stuff that only makes sense when it doesn't come out of a baggie in the freezer.

pimp and all its variations. The 2000's were the worst, and now that I am reflecting upon them a lot, I am getting more and more angry that I had to come of age in such a horrible, turtleneck/half-shirt wearing decade. Using the word pimp as an adjective or verb is not okay.

3. Here is a funny blog for you guys to read: Godmammit I'm Mad. This is a lady after my own heart, who hates Sea of Shoes and whose hero is Patti Smith, and who posts amazing photos of herself as a teen runaway hanging out on Sunset Boulevard in the 60's and 70's. It's worth reading the back entries, except that most of 2008 is just anti Sarah Palin posts.

* Jobs:
1. Malcolm McClaren-esque band manager. Give me a band clad in turtleneck half-shirts and I will turn them all into stars!
2. Gaddabout. Hire me for your magazine and I'll make droll observations about parties I attend for free.
3. Costumer for whatever. No longer will no one sit in the audience and fume about how this movie supposedly set in the 1970's clearly features people wearing modern jeans!
4. Simon Doonan or Amy Sedaris or Judy Blume, or assistant to Simon Doonan or Amy Sedaris, but not Judy Blume because I guess she is retired.
5. Vintage museum curator.
6. Trend forecaster, but used for good, not evil.
7. Glam rock expert.
8. Basically any other sort of job, hopefully something to do with vintage clothing, YA fiction, feminism, writing, editing, or similar.

PS: Malcom McClaren's coffin:

The Fashion Harness

I saw this image on Sea of Shoes:

Here's a woman who really doesn't know why she is wearing a harness. Why is it draped over a wool blazer? Awkward.

A search for harnesses on etsy resulted in:

Then of course there are the harness necklaces stolen/copied by model Erin Wasson from some other harness maker:

Even "designer" Justin Timberlake featured some harnessy looks for "his" "collection", entitled "Urban Oufitters from Two Years Ago."
Loving this look! Sag crotch jeans with a shapeless top made from a hospital dressing gown, all wrapped up in a bunch of belts!

I'm sure I could find more harness photos, but am too lazy. I know why harnesses are popular. It's because everything right now is studded, cage-like, bondage-y and "fierce." And a big part of attaining this edgy look is wearing the same edgy looks everyone else is looking so edgy in. Why are you sitting there, reading this??? There are harnesses to be bought and then strapped into!

It Bags: A Little Fashion History

Believe it or not, designer fashion was not always focused on "it bags." Once upon a time, most designers rarely made purses. Houses like Gucci, Fendi, Hermes, or Louis Vuitton specialized in well-made leather goods and they were the ones who provided bags for the wealthy. Louis Vuitton has been around since the 1800's, and though their styles are seen as trendy, they have been making the same travelling trunks and purses forever. These items were status symbols, but they were a different, old-fashioned kind, based not just on logos but on quality and lasting forever. The stupid Hermes Kelly bag, which costs like $12,o00 is kind of based on this idea (that and the eternally appropriate WASP classiness of Grace Kelly.)

Above is a photo from The Sartoralist, of a woman carrying the Hermes Kelly bag even though it is a heavy tailored bag which doesn't match her summery outfit at all. (This is a fashion pet peeve of mine- people carrying heavy leather bags with sundresses, shorts, and sweatsuits as if they "go." They don't go! Try a straw bag or a canvas tote or something!)

It was the 90's where purses hit the scene. Prada (previously just an Italian leather goods company) released a bunch of boxy black microfiber purses with their little triangular logos on them that took the world inexplicably by storm. You may also remember Kate Spade's boxy microfiber purse, which, like the Prada, inspired zillions of fakes. I certainly remember it, because during those days, when visiting New York with my mother and aunt, what seemed like days would be spent wandering through the cramped stalls on Canal Street in 100 degree weather and intense humidity, dodging piles of festering garbage to get one's hands on an authentic KADE SPATE (discount for upside-down logo!)

Then Fendi released their fugly "baguettes", and the craze for "It bags" with tons of crap stuck to them really began! Soon, everyone had to have Chloe's "Paddington" (an especially disturbing version that looks like one of those giant Iraqi land spiders, shown above), burdened by a chunky padlock, that Balenciaga bag with the little thin strips of leather hanging down, and every other huge, bloated it bag with more crap hanging off it. Designer ads began to feature the model writhing orgasmically around a huge purse, head thrown back in ecstasy over an excess of buckles, chains, charms, and pony fur.

Today, it seems like everyone desires one of these bags. And designers desire to make them, because they carry huge pricetags, sell very well, and no one needs to worry about the typical troublesome aspects of size, tailoring, or fit. They just take a basic shape, add some fringe and some quilting and slap on a price tag. When reading even indie- type fashion blogs, I'm always surprised by how many young women think saving up for their first Miu Miu is truly worth it- especially when there are so many cute, good-quality vintage purses to be had for far less.

While it is worth cracking down on fakes because of terrible labor practices, it is of course also probably worth cracking down on 90% of what is sold at any mall today. People desire the fakes not because the purses hold things (and, based on these ads, erotically cover/mimic one's vagina) but because they have been elevated by the luxury market as the ultimate status symbol. Unlike the solid leather bags of yesteryear, it's hard to believe most of these bags, fake or otherwise, will be held onto very long, because they're all so trendy and stuck in whatever season they came from, and just remind one of the parade of fakes that came after- every single Louis Vuitton with flowers/cherries/etc come to mind. These styles have no integrity.

In conclusion, these it bags are stupid, and we should be insulted by the way they are advertised, the fact that they all weigh 20 pounds, that they are blatantly over-designed, and overall, overwhelmingly tacky. Let us not forget that men's pants are made with roomier, deeper pockets so they can carry things in them and require no external bag, and women's backs often hurt because of the size and shape of their purses. As with so many other aspects of fashion, artifice, and not genuine style or quality, plays the biggest role.

PS: When living in Philadelphia, I noticed many women, especially black women, using the term "pocketbook" instead of purse.

PPS: Coming soon- huge towering chunky platforms also with crap hanging off them- why are they still so popular?

$500 Old Tee shirts Tie-dyed in a Bucket Soon to Follow!

I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately, but you, as one of my five to six readers, should probably not bother checking back until the new year. However, I am posting about something that needs commenting, and that is the hot, hot new accessories line Lanyard, the necklaces of which are shown above.

Simone mentioned these to me, and then I read about them in Bazaar. That's right, Bazaar! Bazaar was like, "Neon is so in! Get the look before anybody with the necklaces by Lanyard. Most under $200." First of all, it's called Lanyard. It's like someone making accessories out of literal shit and calling the line "Excrement." Secondly, most are under $200? That means people are paying $200 to wear a nylon lanyard around their neck. The same nylon lanyards that cost like .25 a yard and you wear to camp. Of course, these are artfully tied into knots, and we all know how hard it is to tie a knot. Normally I'd say that you could just make one at home, but why would you want to? You could also link together rubber bands and wear them around your neck, or piece together promotional polo shirts from tech companies and make them into a dress. We could all do a lot of things.

Of course the "designer" is some Williamsburg-based "art student" who I'm sure is totally lacking in money and connections, but makes up for all that with his stunning talent.

I'm Going to be a Huge Tool for Halloween, What About You?

I can only hope this is a photo of someone in a Halloween costume, and the costume is of a lame, poorly dressed hipster trying to be Agyness Deyn. For the love of god people, will you stop wearing huge glasses! Soon the world will no longer be able to handle this many oversized non-prescription frames, and sorority girls are going to be like, "Wow, these totally huge Juicy eyeglasses with no lenses are sooooo cute and totally match my pink Juicy Palestinian scarf!" and your dad is going to replace his Bill Gates glasses with anther pair of Bill Gates glasses in order to be "hip."

When Not Wearing a Huge Bow Underneath Your Boobs Isn't Enough

You know when you put on those oversized Jackie O sunglasses, and the black satin opera length gloves with the ring and the evening bag, and you've added some black tights and expensive, ugly shoes that look like they could kill a man (but not in a good way) and then, finally, you've put on that baggy denim-look parachute-esque but also satin trench thing to wear as a mini dress?

I mean, I know all about these things, but after I've put them all on, I know something crucial is missing from my outfit- a huge black bow belt to top it all off! No, not at my natural waistline, or even the drop-waist created by that mess of a jacket, but right under my boobs! Yes- perfection! I could gaze in the mirror all day, looking like discarded wrapping paper from a fancy party for people with bad taste, all stuffed into a trash can.

Plus We Lopped the Tails Off Some Bunnies and Attached Those, too

People truly will buy anything if there's a brand name slapped on it- even if that brand is mostly associated with stretch velour, popularizing the enduring trend of having words printed across your ass, and of course, making it acceptable to wear a terrycloth sweatsuit around as "fashion."

Anyway, this bag is completely hideous, and screams "I WAS MADE IN A SWEATSHOP!" even more loudly than it screams "JUICY!" And it screams "JUICY!" pretty damn loud- in multi plaid, no less.

Hel Looks: Fanny Pack Attack

I remember, in eighth grade, circa maybe '97, my friend and I had a portentous discussion about fashion whilst sitting on the schoolyard.
"Do you realize that everything comes back in fashion?"
"So the 80's are going to come back." [Note: This seemed so impossible at the time that I didn't quite believe it.]
"Like acid wash!"
"And those sweaters with geometric designs on them!"
Then we just sat there in horror, thinking about it, even though we were probably both wearing huge jeans and ringer t-shirts and ball chain necklaces.

The thing about certain clothing coming back in style is that it's not going to happen on its own. Batwing blouses don't come creeping out of thrift stores to land, blousily, upon the backs of hipsters. No, people choose to embrace these clothing, picking out acid wash denim tunics and multicolored nylon windbreakers as if they were ripe fruit. Emilia, 28, then, is certainly old enough to remember the 80s with the same horror, but instead of learning from these mistakes, she has embraced them, accessorizing her baggy tunic with something I have unfortunately had to make a new label for: the fanny pack.

What's really sad is that the '90's are are already coming back, so don't be surprised if the hipsters of tomorrow are sitting around in wide-leg jeans and baby ringer tees, talking about how they admire the style of Bush's Gavin Rossdale and talking about, I don't know, the Lemonheads or something.