Monday, November 26, 2007

Dick In a Box Withstanding...

Recently (well, over the summer) Gerard asked me why I hated Justin Timberlake. What I want to know is, why does our generation like Justin Timberlake? And not just ugg-wearing sixteen year olds, but lesbians! The "writers" on Pitchfork! Hipsters! Have you ever gone to a hipster party and not heard Justin Timberlake at least once? For some reason, Justin Timberlake seems to be untouchable as far as criticism goes. Well, I have my reasons, and they are forthcoming.

First of all, his music is bad. I'm all for catchy/shallow pop music, but "Sexyback?" Was there a hook in that song? I know everyone loved it (maddening!) but to me it just sounded like him moaning. "Sexybaaaaaack." That's how the song went. Besides that, could his music be any more overproduced? His actual voice is totally unrecognizable in all his "Future Sex" songs. Also, he doesn't write it, he "cowrites" it. With a team of producers. Like Ashlee Simpson.

"Future Sex/Love Sounds." What kind of douchey title is that? It sounds like the name of a terrible modern art show. Of course, this is coming from someone who named his first album "Justified," so what can we expect? It's like, really? Future Sex/Love Sounds? Do you think you are Miles Davis or something?

When beginning this post, I was like, I'm going to googleimage search him and I know I'll find an appropriate picture of him right away. I wasn't aware that he played guitar, myself, but it's more the look on his face that fills me with rage. This one, this one or this one would have been good too. Another thing that bothers me about Justin is that he is considered to have "soul." In fact, he opened a soul food restaurant in New York! Just think, you can go to Moby's vegan "tea bar" or whatever the hell that is and then head on over to experience the taste of authenticity (ohmygod this website is so funny!)

Another much-admired quality of Justin's is how stylish he is. Yeah, he dresses pretty well now that less ugly styles are popular, but let's take a short trip down memory lane and remember when he dressed like this. I remember, at the time, being horrified by this outfit. It's not like you were forced to dress this way in the year 2000. It's not like anyone forced you to wear cornrows. (I guess the soul was trying to escape there.) Clearly he is dressed by some trendy-ass stylist, as evidenced by this so four years ago look.

Which brings me to my final point, that he was in Nsync. If you went to high school during the period when boy bands were actually popular, and not even just boy bands like Fallout Boy but boy bands who were always posing like closeted gay Christian high school drama club members in matching outfits and everyone was all taking it seriously, and one of the "hot one" dated and wore matching outfits with Britney Spears, and that band wasn't even as good as the Backstreet Boys because we all know the "Backstreet's Back" video where they were dressed as monsters was pretty awesome, then I guess you feel some sort of adolescent bitterness towards a member of the band who got really successful. I mean, I'm fine with a Ricky Martin level of fame for Justin, and feel that's deserved (especially the current level, but even during the madness that was the "La Vida Loca" craze.) But nothing more!

PS: Looking up pictures of NSync is actually really funny and worth your time.

By the way, I think you have to cut and paste like half of those links into the address bar but it is 100% worth it.


Simone said...

hahaha! ohmigod, those photos are all so fucking hilarious! especially the one where he's wearing, like,the bejewelled bandana and looking really fey.

the other thing about justin timberlake that really pisses me off is that a lot of his music is pretty blatantly misogynistic- at least, when coupled with his music videos. Back in college, my friend Clementine and i were up in arms over his "cry me a river" video, which was basically him breaking into his ex girlfriend's house and breaking a bunch of her shit and being watching her secretly while she took a shower and stuff. then there's "using technology" or whatever, his latest song, which is so disgusting. it's like, women in lingerie writhing around, but he's like a peeping tom or something and watching them. oh, and there's night vision, like the paris hilton sex tape. the thing is, i think he's making all this overtly misogynist "sexy" stuff to get away from his clean, nsync boy image. i mean, it's pretty remarkable that he's been able to break free from the boy band, matching denim outfit box he was originally placed into. but i mean, he doesn't deserve the kind of "props" he's getting. his music is dull, he wears little hats, and last but not least, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS A REPRESSED HOMOSEXUAL. oh, and also, justin: you aren't black. sorry.

M said...

ohmygod, the misogyny thing was another one of my bullet points i forgot to add! (another one was that he was ugly.)

there are just too many reasons to hate him, they cann't fit in a single post.

Anonymous said...

FYI the new single is called "Ayo Technology" so he is black.

Also, in support of Mary's claim that all Justin Timberlake fans are actually closeted N'Sync fans, when I looked up the new single on itunes, the "Listeners Also Bought" section contained albums by Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani, and Maroon 5.


Anonymous said...

thank you, I didnt have to say it.