Friday, November 30, 2007

Ugly UO: Shall It Never End?

What a steal, this "Palm Tree Printed Bianca Tunic" has been marked down to 7.99! I know I'm always talking about my dreams of dressing like a baby prostitute from 1982, but an item like this just kind of makes me face the sober reality of that particular situation. Maybe it wouldn't be all gold lamé hot pants and orange Candies and huge earrings. It could be as sad as this. And it's like really, boots? You're pairing boots with a long t-shirt that has palm trees on it? Okay, I guess.

You know, Delia's now has full pages of models in their underwear. And it's just like, I don't think the fourteen year olds who buy from Delia's and Urban need to see these images. They're nothing wrong with laying the lingerie on the ground and taking a picture of it like that. They don't need to see these jutting hipbones and protruding clavicles, okay? You've already made them feel bad enough about themselves with your bony, lank-ass models fully clothed.

And now back to these shorts, which, of course are polyester. These are so wide-legged (thighed?) that probably both the model's legs could fit into one of them. I'm really not against shorts in general, but these are so bulky and pleated they look like they should be paired with a raspberry, shoulder-padded blazer and wave bangs, Also, this is bordering on a formal short, a trend I thought was dead, but Urban seems to be clinging onto, with their cold, lifeless hands that are probably wearing ironic rings and whatnot.

This UO Artist Series Zip Up was originally a very overpriced $78. I guess what you are paying for is this gorgeous original artwork by LA-based artist Wil Lin, which looks a lot like the artwork I criticized recently, but more clothed. This is an example of when an artist and a designer "collaborate" which means the artist's designs are pasted on a sweatshirt. And seriously, why did they hire this dude when they could have just copied this exact drawing from the doodles on a twelve year old girl's math homework? (This is kind of a good idea for a clothing line, actually.)

These are called the Cheap Monday Jogging Pant, but we all know we are not actually supposed to jog in them, as evidenced by the fact that the model is wearing some sort of weird slippers. Okay, does anyone remember the name of those pants that everyone had in the early 90's that were really brightly colored and patterned and had an elastic waist and a little label in front? Something like ZAMZ or JAMZ? (then again, what wasn't called that in the early 90's?) I had a pair that were bright yellow, bright turquoise, black, and maybe some other colors. They were a real psychedelic freakout. These are more like a panic attack, but they're along the same lines.


Simone said...

ZOOMBAS. seriously.

Gaby said...

actually, "zubaz"

M said...

i bet mine were counterfeit zubaz bought from a flea market.

Simone said...

hahaha! total black market, knock-off zubaz.

Vannesa said...

ugh my history teacher would wear those to work out in the school's weight room. They were blue and orange wannabe tiger stripe... oh and it was 2001.

Kate said...

zubaz were the originals, then the competition came out with jamz. i think zubaz were the ones that were usually team colors, like the mets ones were orange and blue.

by the way, i read your blog.
(kate from nj)

M said...

thanks for reading my blog!

i recently had a conversation about why high school teachers (particularly public) seem to be stuck in some weird fashion/personality time warp where they all have bowl cuts and wear zubaz and don't seem to exist in the same world that you and i do.