Another Page from the Onesie Files

Oh man, this is one ugly and ill-fitting onesie. Actually, I can't believe this is Mary Kate. The straight beige hair, the black outfit....it just seems so Ashley. I'd expect this of her, but it just seems so depressingly lank for MK. Well, whatever.

The point is, it's really ugly. The top half, with its huge 80's cut and boxy sleeves, make her look like she has a very large and droopy bosom, and the pleated bottoms aren't doing her any favors either. We all know it's hard to make someone of her stature look this large and top heavy, so we know this onesie is doing an impressive job.

I guess she thought that hot pink belt was really going to cinch it altogether, but it just furthers that whole "Florida retiree wears her sassy black silk onesie out on the town" vibe that's going on here.

More 70's Stuff Simone Doesn't Approve Of

Unfortunately I just lost out on these 70's shoes on eBay, and I'm very upset. I have been waiting to bid on them all day. I have to say this "bid sniping" thing is totally unfair. What does anyone else even want with them? They're bizarre! I hate when you are thinking you'll win something on eBay and dreaming about the shoes on your feet and in the last four seconds they are stolen away.

I know they're not going to be liked by certain people mentioned in the title of this post but I was really into these shoes the way I was into that 70's onesie. Maybe even in a more wearable sense, like especially with textured tights. They turn up at the ends in a slightly elfin way and have that classic wooden donut hole heel- it's funny how the 70's was a time when people were so preoccupied with a kind of clunky, psychedelic earthiness displayed quite well in these. Unfortunately they're probably now going to be resold by someone who doesn't even like them.

The Clothing Graveyard: A Tribute to My Departed Brethren

I have decided to post photos of my dresses that are now gone from this world, and pay tribute to them as best as I can. Let's start things off with this photo Simone took of me on Mission street, which doesn't really show the outfit that well because I'm not standing in the light, but whatever.

Anyway, Simone bought me this dress on eBay, I think for my birthday, and the fact that it is gone is something we are both having some trouble getting over. It was a late 30's, lightweight cotton floral dress with the best shape and deco-inspired details, like the red piping and collar. Not surprisingly, I don't really love modern floral prints, but ones from this period are really cute. This was such a great dress, from pretty much my favorite fashion era, and of course I will never be able to get another one.

I'm wearing it with these peach and gold sunglasses that I stole from Ross after Simone's graduation from high school in 2001. For some reason I walked around also wearing this red cowboy hat with a feather in it that day, which my mother hated so much she actually came into my room when I wasn't there and threw it away, but I thought the look was very Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver at the time (in my defense, this was only one day- this wasn't a look I wore a lot.) I miss those glasses a lot too. They started to look a lot hipper recently, as they were sort of a retarded, flashy cousin to a Wayfarer.

The green vinyl scalloped 40's belt actually made it- I pulled it out of the rubble- so I won't have to meditate on its demise. It's really fabulous, and actually Simone bought me that too, at Inside Vintage in Olympia, Washingston, so you can see I really owe her as a friend.

Lastly, that vintage straw bag, probably 50's-early 60's, was really cute- I got it at my mother's store, Mary's Exchange, and was wearing it when I got my photo taken.

Anyway, like all my clothes got destroyed, so there's more to come! Hopefully with clearer photos!

Coming soon: My silver 60's dress and why that may be the greatest loss of all.

Big Ugly Shoes

There has been a real epidemic lately of big ugly shoes. While previously the dainty pointy toe and spindly stiletto a la Manolo Blahnik was hot, now everybody has to have something towering and full of buckles and basically resembling a medieval torture device.

I actually love a large and chunky shoe- I prefer wedges to high heels both in terms of shape and comfort- high heels often look like an absence of shoe to me, and who wants that? And I love stuff with crap allover it- these, for instance, are pretty fab.

But these new shoes are just aggressively ugly. What's worse, you're supposed to wear them with three pairs of scrunch socks and two pairs of tights and some horrible sack of a dress in black, brown, gray, or perhaps grayish brown if you're feeling nuts. They're supposed to be another bumpy neutral layer in the series of them cascading down your body- very Marc Jacobs fall o7!

At least if they were all worn with, I don't know, jungle print mini dresses or what Tina Turner wore in the Mad Max sequel, they would make sense, in an apocalyptic/fierce type of way.

The Sartorialist always features women who wear muted sacks and these types of nine million dollar shoes, and the woman above is really rocking the look, complete with the sloppy scrunched pants, retarded hat, multiple scarves (what is it with people and scarves these days?) and dreary color scheme. It looks like she emerged from a pile of rags.

The lady on the right is also working the million dollar dreary hobo style. Can you imagine picking this woman out of a crowd to photograph her outfit? What exactly is the draw here? Maybe it's the overwhelming zest, passion and creativity that practically leaps out of the photo.

Aren't you just dying to pair these Gaultiers with something baggy and woolen?

Here are some more of them in action. The woman with the ski hat is really looking like a consummate fashion victim to me, where everything is clearly designer but somehow looks cheap and fails to play off each other. The black stuff is supposed to look all 80's dominatrix, the coat is like 60's shearling style with racing stripes, and the hat is just ugly/appropriate for a small child only. I guess she's attempting some color but it's all clashing.

The woman on the right is just completely boring. She's wearing a boxy pea coat and some black tights, I see, along with the consummate chunky shoes she will love for one more season and then deam so over when thigh-high square toe Doc Martens swarm the fashion world.

Pixar: #1 on My Enemies List

I'm really having trouble getting it together lately to write a post. It's hard to discuss clothes that I'm wearing since most of them burned, and I don't have time in the mornings to dress up really because of my (temporary) office job. The clothes on the Urban Outfitters website are so completely boring I can't even muster up a post about how ugly they are. (Though their innovative new look, with the American Apparel/Terry Richardson style seedy photos with flash, must really be taking the catalogue world by storm. It's like, if you're going to attach yourself to a trend so late in the game, shouldn't you just stick with your original look because it's probably going to appear newer eventually?)

And what's new on the gossip front? NOTHING. There's only so many times you can hear that Britney is/isn't getting help and Amy Winehouse's face is falling off and did you know everyone is just mad for those British female musicians? They're just so ballsy and cute and irreverent! Have you heard? Have I mentioned how cute they are? Because they are just so cute, which is probably the most important part of making good music. Except Amy Winehouse, but we all know she has soul.

So I just thought I'd post about things I hate. My mother has always had very strong likes and dislikes, and because of this I grew up thinking that certain things were just unacceptable. Stand up comedians, for instance. She hates those. Also clowns. Not in a pez way, but clowns really are awful. Actually, she hates circuses in general. She also thinks Ken Burns is a "fruit."

1. Pixar films. For some reason, people my age are always talking about how they loved The Incredibles or whatever. I hate these movies because they're always full of pop culture reference and have this horrendous "fun for the whole family" concept that mom and dad (I also hate when people refer to other people's parents as "Mom" or "Dad" as in, "What does Mom think?") are also supposed to enjoy because it's all so hip and zany.

But why I hate them the most is that computer animation is ugly and soulless. Everything looks plastic and overly smooth, like it's been airbrushed fifty times. All the kids look like little big-eyed moppets with spiky hair. Everything is too animated, too bouncy, like it was made out of rubber. Besides that, there is an obsession with making everything look real and 3-D and perfectly shaded- as evidenced in the two photos above. You can tell the "artists" are really obsessed with what computers can do, but mostly what computers can do is ugly.

By contrast, below are some old animated Disney film stills (Cinderella, Snow White, and Alice in Wonderland), which have an attention to detail without making everything shiny and obvious, and use contrast to draw attention to things instead of shoving the overall bouncy glossiness of CGI in your face.

I was going to make #2 Best Buy, but whatever. I don't need to explain why I hate Best Buy.

Gallery of Ugliness

I know I said I was going to write a post about my room and the fire and all- and I will- but right now I’ve just decided to post some real ugly stuff I’ve seen on the internet.

First of all, there’s this top by Joie, which is a very ugly brand that I guess people in LA wear or something- it’s like the kind of designer stuff that would feature such things as a satin cargo pant. This top is really foul- it really looks like she’s pulled a sheer skirt up past her boobs. Also, the model has the appearance of a baby bird and it’s interesting to me that the look on her face and her overall pale, bony appearance is supposed to sell this horror show of an outfit, but I guess it is.

PS: When I was little, we called this hairstyle, with the top pulled back but not all of it, a "chicken tail." That's what you would tell your mom you wanted. You could also get pig or pony in terms of tails.

Next we have this turquoise dress, which truly is satin with cargo pockets. I remember when cargo pants got really popular, and I longed for a huge pair in army green. Then I got some from Old Navy, and as far as I remember they were unflattering to the point that even I felt gross wearing them. They didn’t have butt pockets, and I felt that made them somewhat inadequate.

Anyway, cargo pants are one of those things like cheongsams/”Asian” style clothing that we are told is hot every few years. Lucky magazine is always trying to get people to wear slouchy rayon cargoes and whatnot. The cargo pockets on this particular piece look really wrinkly and saggy, and the dress, well, it certainly has a lot of pizazz.

Then there’s this have a poly/microfiber mini skirt from American Apparel. You may or may not know what that is, but trust me, you don’t want to wear it. This kind of looks like it was made out of a tent. Does anyone remember how when they went camping in the 80’s with their parents and all the gear was bright orange and this color brown and your dad still wore tight jeans because the 70’s weren’t that far away? Most people’s dads also still call all jeans “Levi’s” or “blue jeans.” I’m sure now all camping stuff is fleece or that bright yellow they make underwater cameras and it’s all totally lost its charm.

If someone fashioned this skirt out of a tent from 1985, I’d be pretty impressed, but since it was actually made in the here and now, well, it’s hideously ugly. You don’t show off an elastic waist like that, and the bubbly shape and putrid color is sure to be unflattering.

Lastly, we have a look from the runway of Henry Holland, the genius responsible for those Frankie Says Relax rip-off shirts that everyone was into for ten seconds (except me.) Oh man, I cannot believe this guy has access to an actual runway and models and materials and money! Look at this sweater! It’s like he thought, “Well, those shirts were popular in a loud, late 80’s, extremely derivative way, how about doing that same thing with knitwear?” And the purple plaid pants and lace-up shoes! This is such a Baby Sitter’s Club outfit it’s unbelievable. Also, the model looks like she slept on a park bench last night.

Diatribe Against Sacks #158

Dear Reader(s),

So I haven’t posted in a long time because my room burned down, and then I was going to do my first post with before and after photos of my room, and a lot about how deeply, deeply ironic it was that I, of all people, had to lose my stuff, because most of it was part of a vast and varied vintage collection, and I had like 120 dresses or something, as well as stuff that I can never, ever get again, and certainly not for that price because eBay is totally through the roof with the prices right now, like who else is buying these early 1940’s dresses and bidding them up because I certainly never see anybody wearing them, but whatever. Most people could just go to H&M and replace their stupid clothing, but I would have to spend my time looking in attics abandoned during the Depression.

The point is, we had a fire, which is also what I always use as an excuse now for not doing something, as in “Well, of course I haven’t sent out that form yet- we had a fire.”, but the insurance people are going to fix up my mother’s house that I shouldn’t have been living in anyway since I am 24, and they are also giving me a really, really large amount of money for all the things I lost. So even though I will never be able to get back some of the things I miss very much, I guess I can at least afford some overpriced replacements. (Though there are some items that make me pretty bitter when I think about them, but more on that later.)

So I do promise a post about fire and fashion soon, but, in the meantime, I’m just going to review this Marc Jacobs collection Naira pointed out to me. This is for his more expensive line, not the Marc by Marc line which was also really ugly. It’s supposed to be neutrally slouchy and vaguely vintage inspired like all his collections are now, but I don’t know why he bothers with these vintage references anymore.

The above look is a good example of that. The jacket kind of looks like 1940’s men’s leather jacket, and the pants kind of look like a Katherine Hepburn-ish 40’s pleated pant, but these looks have been echoed throughout the 80’s and 90’s and the pants, at least, everyone is doing now because people are trying to get away from skinny jeans.

It’s very hard to do “slouchy” as a look, as it often just looks sloppy and shapeless, which is kind of the theme for this collection. The look to the right, with the hideous floppy gray pants and the muted sweater that says "HARDCORE" for some reason (wouldn't it be more accurate/funny if it just said BORING or perhaps BLAH...?) is accompanied with a mauve bag. Everything has about as much color and creativity as the chairs you wait in at the bank. To me, it's unfathomable that you could design anything you wanted, out of any materials, having access to every resource in the world, and then come up with this.

What’s annoying about Marc Jacobs is that he seems to be consciously rejecting the colorful, playful exuberance of his earlier collections by designing so many beige woolen sacks, but it’s not like he’s being revolutionary. Everyone’s designing sacks and pleated pants in muted colors. In his effort to change, he’s just become like everyone else. Also, he’s supposed to be designing like three different lines so he probably doesn’t do anything anyway, except for Zone diet and talk about his newfound love of health, over-tanning and closely cropped hair, ie, looking like a stereotypical gay.