Thursday, May 31, 2007
Living in New York City, by simply walking down the street I can easily accrue quite a list of people who deserve to be punched in the face. It's a veritable cornucopia of cat-calling assholes, douchebags who cut in front of you in line, and people who bump you on the subway and don't say "excuse me." But what really makes my blood boil is the horrid fugliness that surrounds me on a daily basis. Excuse me? People? It's not like we live in rural Arkansas and the only clothing available is made of burlap sacks, you know what I mean? Anyway, the propensity of people who live in a town where you can get, literally, anything you want, to dress so... derelicte... is a major pet peeve of mine.
But what really pissed me off today was not something I saw out in the street, or hanging off a mannequin in Anthropologie. It was this necklace:
GODDAMNIT. What THE FUCK, man?!!! There's just something about this I find soooooo incredibly, breathtakingly annoying... Like, it's The Hipster Necklace to End All Hipster Necklaces, like all it needs is it's own half-sized pair of stretch pants and half-sized pair of ballet flats or ugly 80s high top sneakers (in gold) dangling next to it betwixt yon bosom. I mean, REALLY? A small pair of ray-bans? Flattened, made of metal? Hanging around your neck? I mean, if you're going to hang glasses around your neck (like my mom), they should at least serve some practical purpose (Like, uh, MAKING IT SO YOU CAN SEE THINGS) other than, I dunno, letting everyone know that "I see beautiful things beckerman spectacles." (Yes, that's seriously engraved on them). But anyway, if I saw someone wearing these $95 atrocities, I would tell them that I see ugly things, and then I would punch them.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Of course, pairing them with that charming little patchwork purse, (plus the unfortunate tights and knee socks combination) isn't helping matters any, but it's not like they would have looked good with anything anyway.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
After looking more closely at the overturned slipper and overall blurriness of this shot, it's actually pretty embarrassing that I am choosing this to represent myself, but I picked it because it features a trend this season: the babydoll/tent dress that I have mentioned/bad-mouthed in oh so many posts. This dress is a children's 70's dress that I bought on eBay for about $10 that was originally floor-length. I shortened it, rather badly, but I was really proud of myself because I can never manage to alter anything. And even though it's too tight in the chest because it was made for a twelve year old, it definitely has the retro, way less sacky shape that tent dresses had in the past as opposed to the straightforward sackiness of, say, this.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
I'm generally not a big fan of the trench (maybe it's my hatred of beige) but this collarless one, with it's puff sleeves, button detail, and a-line cut make it look like a cross between a dress and a coat- and much more shapely and delicate than your usual frumpy trench.
And even though I've never liked pointy shoes (a dying trend, finally) the way she pairs those mary janes with bright yellow tights looks really mod and adorable. I wonder what she's wearing underneath the trench? I picture a little black mod dress, which would also go great with her angled bob. While her outfit has some trendy aspects, it's far from the slave to fashion look all over that website, and she makes her look her own. So, you know, I don't hate everything.
Maybe she should have gone with a nice Zum Zum-esque prom dress like her daughter.
But here's the final nail in the coffin; clearly she has nothing to offer anymore, and I have to say, yeah, I'm a little disappointed, even though obviously her "career" was heading in this direction from day one. Plus- let's not pretend her ribs weren't airbrushed out of this photo.
Also,who reads "music" magazines such as Blender or Rolling Stone or even pseud0-indie ones like Mojo? They must have no souls.
Monday, May 14, 2007
How can these loudly colored, early 90's nylon windbreakers have become popular? Paired with a fashion mullet, hideous yellow 80's shades, tight pants that accentuate his oh-s- voluptuous frame, and what appears to be some kind of purse, he doesn't look so much fashionable as he does like an actual Estonian youth from 1992, one who is just catching on the trends of the American 80's. Did he also find a broken Right Said Fred cassette tape in Estonia and rush back to Sweden to tell his friends he only paid $5 for it? Because it probably would have been a better deal.
Oh my, are these ugly! Here we have a saggy Madras cami that balloons out in a most unfortunate way. In case the chaotically ugly mix of pastel plaid and puffiness weren't enough, there's actually a ruffle crammed somewhere on there. Also, what's the point of wearing a tank top that clearly doesn't cover enough, making you wear another one underneath?
But who really cares about that cami, when there is a much more foul item, the Lux Full Sleeve Plaid Top, lurking on the very same website? What is up with this thing? How is it meant to be worn? If Urban Outfitters has anything to say, with black high waisted jeans, creating the most early 90's silhouette known to man. This is one of those pieces of clothing that really makes me angry, because it's not just something you could find at Goodwill, it's something that would be ugly even compared to other early 90's clothes at Goodwill, and here it is being recreated for $48.
Friday, May 11, 2007
I love vintage bathing suits. They're cut in a much more flattering way than modern ones- all the ruching on this one shapes the bod in a much nicer way than those gross Victoria's Secret bodyshapers, and the higher waistlines and lower legs are great for those of us who feel many modern swimsuits are akin to wearing one's underwear in public. This suit would look fabulous on a variety of sizes and shapes.
But aside from all that, this has one of my most favorite vintage features, and that's a novelty print. Prints from the 40's and 50's were sometimes decorated with everything from fairy tale characters to pocket watches, making an already cute item (like this suit) that much quirkier and more unique. Novelty prints have had a bit of a resurgence lately, what with the heart covered t-shirts at Forever 21 or even a cardigan with cats on it I tried on at H&M that turned out to have hideously huge shoulders, but they rarely have the cute details or charmingly retro look of the novelty prints of yesteryear. If everyone was wearing a chair printed bikini at the beach instead of something like this, the world would clearly be a better place.
But surprise, surprise, overalls are all over Face Hunter (as this droopy/sassy number pair are) and Hel Looks and what have you. To be honest, she looks less like a hipster and more like someone who's one step away from wearing Skechers, but she's probably just French or something. The point is: overalls are creeping into some people's wardrobes the same way they appear to be creeping into this ladies crotch. You have been forewarned.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Here we have high-waisted, pleated linen shorts that crinkle rather perfectly into an oversized camel toe (If you try on pants or shorts that pull and crinkle over your hips and thighs like that, don't buy them- they're supposed to lie flat, not look like they're being sucked into your crotch) and a trompe lo'oiel top that I guess is supposed to fool people into thinking you're not wearing a shirt.
Clothing should be fun. You should take risks and wear things that other people are afraid of. But you should also consider whether that item looks good on you, and if you're wearing it because it happens to be popular right now or if it truly is a special item. When your wonderful, unique look also happens to be all over H&M, maybe it's time to rethink your inspiration. And then of course some things are just eternally ugly.