Ugly UO Outfit of the Day Taken From Actual Store

This outfit was attacking a mannequin at Urban Outfitters, and while I found plenty of fug in that store, I have to say this ensemble really takes the cake.

We have: a large scarf, a million necklaces, a beige tube top (ewwww....who wears those except Posh Spice circa 1997? Clearly it was just placed there to minimize the "skin" revealed by that gaping tank top), a turquoise and gold foil happy face t-shirt cut into a blousy tank top, A FANNY PACK hanging off her side like some kind of horrible tumor, and an overdyed purple acid washed denim mini with a cut-off hem. Overall, it makes the mannequin look bloated and big around the middle, as well as very hideously dressed.

It's not even a cute fanny pack. I mean, maybe if it was a cute print or something, I could KIND OF overlook it, but it's clearly the same fanny pack that ugly people wore to visit Six Flags in 1987.

Things That Are Nice

Like most people, when I spot something on eBay I would desperately like to possess but it too expensive/ not practical, I save the photo in a special file on my computer, according to the decade of the piece, and sigh and look over the pictures of all that lovely vintage from time to time. Also, sometimes I get angry I lost the auction.

As for trends, the flapper look goes in and out, and finding an authentic, 1920's flapper dress for a decent price on eBay isn't too hard, though one of this caliber is rather rare. The intricate, beautiful art deco beading and sequins, the drop waist, and fluttery, handkerchief-esque hemline are all features that have been echoed in different styles and trends, but originated in dresses like this, made for dancing in the 1920's. So instead of purchasing lots of disposable 80's poly vintage, maybe think about buying one or two authentic, well-made pieces whose details were later perverted to create the sack dresses and whatnot everyone is so desperate to put on today.

More Signs of the Oncoming Apocalypse

The image of this hipstered out eight year old came from yet another fashion blog. Apparently everyone thinks dressing your kid like the guy from Fall Out Boy is ultra-charming. Well, I don't think so. I think it's gross. Your kid is not an accessory. Your kid will not appreciate when goes through puberty and looks back on pictures of himself dressed ironically with overly styled neo-British invasion hair and tapered jeans. Plus the Palestinian scarf! What the fuck? Do you think this kid understands the situation in Palestine or something?

What do you think he's listening to on his iPod? (Um, aren't those like $300 or something?) Lightning Bolt? That "!!!"band? Some nu rave? What's really horrifying is to think of what his parents look like. They're probably so trended out of their minds they're writhing on the sidewalk in acid-wash somewhere, choking on their own leggings.

What's That Dangling Off Your Neck?

As supportive as I would like to be to DIY and independent designers, this "Huu Chi Mama Necklace" (get it? get it?) from Etsy.com is one wildly awful thing to hang around your neck. I saw this necklace (if you can call it that) being raved about on a fashion blog recently and was quite horrified. The orange thing on the end is a video cassette rewinder (Why? Is that supposed to be useful somehow?) and obviously the things hanging off the chain are tapes. Why use recorder tapes, though? I think regular size cassette tapes would add that extra pop this subtly elegant piece of jewelery needs.

Cassette tapes as hipster fashion has been a long-running trend that appears to finally be on the outs, but there's still time to slip on this monstrosity. Just don't do any dancing, or you might hit someone in the face with that totally retro orange thing and scar them for life. Of course, if this one is too dainty for you, there's always this charming option.

Long in the crotch: A Post About shorts

These shorts were on sale at H&M. My friend and I traveled all around this store and others, taking photos of offending items, and these really topped the list. Sure, their beige color and linen fabric are real ugly, but let’s get to the outstandingly fugly here: the exxxxxxxtra long crotch. Why?

I wish I’d tried these babies on, because I’m sure the back view would have been pretty amazing. I mean, who hasn’t looked for something high in the waist with a nice foot-long drop from waist to crotch? Simone referred to the shorts as a “burlap loincloth”, which I feel is 100% accurate. The real mystery is: Who bought these? And what were they trying to hide?

Eurobrats

This look is from the French street style site Face Hunter, aka "Douche City."Looking at 90% of the photos of these fashionistas really makes me want to vom. Everyone, who got their picture attending events with names like "Accelerated Youth Launch Warehouse Party" is wearing, like, a huge batwing blouse tucked into shorts tucked into leggings tucked into slouch boots with neon nu rave makeup and pursing their lips and posing as if their life depended on it. They all look really self satisfied and are wearing too many accessories. To give you an idea, the comments on this particular post have someone called "eurobrat" saying, "Love the guy in the red cardigan."

The specimen on the left is wearing a sweater that looks like it came from Talbots (the Republican mother store) circa 1989. To flash it up, he's added a necklace, a metallic top, some sort of wispy mullet, black satin leggings, and a really, really ugly pair of white hi-tops that look like the sneakers the unpopular kids got at Costco in 8th grade. I believe they were called "Court Classics." I mean, this look makes some failed attempts at glam but just winds up frumpy/so hideously ugly that it's kind of painful. To be honest, it makes me kind of physically angry, so I'm going to have to stop now. Also, why do I have a "hipsters" tag? Everything on this blog is a hipster fashion crime. You could say this guy is their king, but he's really just another minion.

Hel Looks: Sofia

To the untrained eye, Sofia's blouse may look like a bunch of third graders embellished a silk Goodwill shirt, but all non-peasants would recognize it as the "most exclusive gift" Sofia has ever received. I mean- duh! You can't find lace trim and primary-colored balls just anywhere!

Anyway, the top is hideous on its own, but then your eyes are drawn to the random belting going on, in the form of a huge elastic red waist belt that takes up half her midsection. (Supposedly, the belt over the blouse look is on its way out, but it's obviously not dead yet.) And in case all that wasn't enough, there's always a pair of shiny blue legging-looking pants to cuff above your socks and pumps combo. And why not top it off with a swingy leather purse? Those aren't really ugly/just old enough for hipsters to start wearing ironically again or anything.

In her interview, Sofia says she likes "simple clothes." I guess by "simple" she means "like what everybody wears, but more shiny and clown-like."

Ugly UO Item of the Day: The Ethnic Fanny Pack

I know I do too many Urban Outfitters posts, but come on! Look at this suede fringed pouch belt, called the Native American Belt Bag! What kind of a huge tool is going to wear this? I know it's supposed to be worn in that Joanna Newsom/boho/Kate Moss/neo-hippie type of way, but neither of them would be foolish enough to strap this onto themselves. Sure it was obnoxious when actual, 1960's hippies appropriated that they considered native, but what is our modern teen going to do with this? I'll tell you: store their Devendra Banhart-filled Ipod in there, with other tools of the man.

All That's Missing is the Blossom Hat

The denim vest trend- or, the attempted denim vest trend, as no one in real life actually wears denim vests, is bad enough. But when you pair your denim vest with another item- the floral rayon dress that comes from the same time period (1995) and evokes the middle school teacher, that takes the look into new territory. You might think this picture was from 1996, even, if you didn't spot that little hangy heart necklace from Urban Outfitters or whatever, 2007ing up the outfit. Why stop at the vest, anyway? How about a pair of wraparound Oakleys and some Airwalks? A faux-Victorian choker? Something crushed velvet or washable silk? What about a nice floppy denim hat with a big sunflower on the brim? When are those going to come back?

The Golden Bag

To my two readers: I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, but if you've been hankering for something fugly, please check out Lindsay Lohan's staggeringly trendy look on the left.

In Thai restaurants, you can order an appetizer called "Golden Bags," and Lindsay's billowy, metallic mess of an outfit could also be accurately described by such a name.

Perhaps the dress might work if it was paired with opaque black tights, minimal accessories, and ballet flats for that whole trendy "I wish I was Edie Sedgwick" thing that is so hot right now, but adding a million bracelets that look like they came from the dollar store, as well as one of those bloated, over-grommeted designer "it bags", just emphasizes the inherent tackiness of the dress. Does it not look like it was made from the curtains of a 1970's bordello? And what are those, sheer hose? What kind of sick look is this?

PS: Rompers, a Revisit

After looking at rompers/onesies on eBay, I found this novelty print, pallazo pant, 70's jumpsuit for sale. It's covered with trees and horses and stuff, and is made of polyester, and I feel that it's kind of amazing, and what a vintage appreciator might call "a period piece." What is most exciting is to think about who possibly could have been the original, intended wearer- a 70's housewife looking to invest in some hostess pajamas? Anyway, I sort of want it- just think, you could always shorten it to a real romper and make it that much more wearable.

Ugly UO Items of the Day: The Drab Onesie

Now, onesies are truly one of the trashiest and hilariously named garments out there, but if there's one thing a onesie should be, I say "fun." After all, a onesie is basically a jumpsuit with shorts attached, and they are also referred to as "rompers", another name that indicates that you know, babies wear them. For instance, over the summer I saw this lady in the Lower East Side wearing a kelly green, terry cloth onesie that covered about as much as a swimsuit, even though she was in the middle of a city. It was a very Suzanne Somers on Three's Company look, and it was heinous and inappropriate, but at least it had that lighthearted, freewheelin' feeling.

Not these onesies, though. These are by far the drabbest onesies I have ever seen. On the left we have Lux Linen Utility Onesy (to me, the spelling is "onesie" and "onesie" only) which looks like a hybrid between a mechanic's jumspuit and those "cyber" clothes that got popular around 1998. The super high-looking model is trying to sex it up, but I would say the look is more confusing than provocative. On the right is the hilariously named Lux Linen Romper Onsie, (sent to me by reader/BFF/sole commentor Simone of the Accordion Connection) which looks like it was designed for East German schoolchildren at summer camp, but not in a good way. Either way, these mud colored, sack-like, linen onesies have really got me down. And, in a sad, strange way, longing for a nice sherbet-colored one like this, to pair with my gold platforms and Mystic tan and such.

Nu Rave...I Think

Remember ravers? Remember how in the early to mid 90's people were still into raving, and wearing plastic children's jewelery they charmingly referred to as "candy" and doing a lot of ecstasy and apparently some people did so much ecstasy they didn't have happiness left or something? Have you ever wished rave-related music and fashion, after that long, long absence would come back, but with more of an ironic feel, a more self-consciously ugly thing going on? How about if it was dressed in sherbet orange leggings, a fanny pack, teal framed glasses, and some loudly patterned straight-jacket looking thing?

To be honest, I don't know if the people above are "Nu Rave" technically, but whatever. According to Wikipedia, it's "a style of music fusing elements of electronic dance music and rock, which developed in the UK in 2006." Whether nu rave is a media construct or a legitimate style of music (who am I kidding, there is no way a band named Shitdisco is going to be good), nu rave has been mentioned many times in terms of fashion, and tends to be associated with the bright colors/gold chains/neon resurgence/extremely fugly look shown above. Anyway, it doesn't matter if nu rave really is Electroclash all over again (remember when people used that word all the time? Ha.) because fashion trends don't need to be connected with authentic musical ones to catch on, and spread like a horrible disease through the youth of America and Western Europe.

Trends Done Right

Here I am presenting a new section, tentatively titled "Trends Done Right," even though that sounds kind of bad. These three babydoll style tops were found, shockingly enough, on Alloy.com. I remember Alloy as the junior catalogue from my youth that was full of subversive "alternative" looks, like camo print pants that had legs so wide three people could have probably fit into them. Now it's been bought by some huge corporation, and has puzzling category names like "Diva" and "Flirt" and "Life" besides just clothes. And it actually has some cute stuff, and seems to be a mix of Forever 21 style tops and more sophisticated, well-designed stuff than you usually see on the junior market. (Of course, they could all look like crap in person, but whatever.)

Anyway, the three tops above all have elements of the babydoll look, but manage to reign it in in a way that this top, for instance, does not. The blue one on the far left is my favorite, combining a sort of military/40's thing with the the current empire waist and dolly look. The middle one is reminiscent of the tent shape, but because it's not voluminous, it has a nice, crisp look to it- plus the hot pink makes for an unexpected jolt of color in a season where everybody is supposed to be wearing mustard. The last top could be really sacky on, but based on the photo, the proportions are in control and it still looks like it has a definite shape. Plus the floral detail and piping around the collar make it unique and vintagey, which is always a plus.

In conclusion, the straight-up babydoll look is not for everyone, but elements of it can certainly be taken and still remaining flattering to the body and cute whether or not they fit into a certain trend. All three of these could even probably dressed up for work or something equally classy, and of course would look cute with skinny jeans. Just don't pair them with pleated shorts, or the dreaded "long skirt" that the fashion world appears to be now pushing on us.

More Drains on Society

This post is about two things I previously tried to avoid, but, when talking about trends, have proved to be sadly inevitable: Cory Kennedy and overalls. Here's Cory Kennedy, LA scenester/internet/twelve year old/celebrity, posing with some other be-overalled ingenue type on a typically lovely Los Angeles street. Cory Kennedy has come to epitomize the "It's so ugly it's cool" look popularized by hipsters, subscribers to Vice magazine, MisShapes attendees, yet still regularly worn by streetwalkers, old people, and Midwestern housewives who just have bad taste and are wearing out-of-date and unflattering clothing- of course, it only depends on whose wearing it, because part of the look is to be making fun of it and pointing out how cool and better you are than the homeless person over there who is wearing the same thing- but anyway!

The point is, Cory Kennedy is wearing a white onesie, accessorized with a belt, a ringer tee, and some long gold chains. I needn't say more.

My Glasses Have Eaten My Face

This photo on the left is from Face Hunter, the French fashion blog. Finding horrifying images on this site is very easy, but I'd like to draw attention to one particular awful look: Bill Gates style, oversized glasses.

Why is this look awful? Well, first things first: it's ugly. Not just a little ugly, but unflattering, stupid, and impractical.
But what's worse, it's trendy. And it's one thing to be the only person in the world wearing something that you think is great because it's so over that it's, like, so hot and 80's and stuff, and, like, looking like a computer programmer is like, such a crazy, RANDOM look and all, but it's another, worse thing to be the 8,645th person to do it. It's stupid to wear ugly things because they're popular. That doesn't un-uglify them. It doesn't make you cool. It makes you look like a tool. And even if you think you're the first person to take that plunge into 80's novelty-wear, I'll tell you right now: you're not.

PS: There are plenty of other things wrong with this look- but mostly that sweatshirt thing, I guess.

Ugly UO Item of the Day: I Will Call Her "Xanadu"

I've never been a fan of asymmetry in clothing- it generally tries to be avant-garde, and then ends up looking sloppy, much like its cousin, the raw edge hem. Anyway, the point is, look at this horrible monstrosity.

This Lux One Shoulder Knit Dress is a total floppy, shapeless mess. It has way too much going on: one puffy sleeve, a tie belt, an oversized asymmetrical ruffle at the asymmetrical hem, and a color that Urban Outfitters describes as "Fuschia." (But let's be honest, it's more of an "Electric Xanadu Roller Skatin' Fuschia" if anything.)

It's really trashy and 80's looking, but you can tell they're trying to market it like it has some sort of subtle elegance. I mean, I guess. They're certainly not adding the gold Candies and wild frosted perm that we all know should be paired with this number. You know the model has some slouch boots on under there.

Don't Hate

I still can't believe Gwyneth got so trashed for this Zac Posen dress on the left at this past Oscars. Doesn't it seem like every time anyone strays from the strapless/satin and or glitter format ends up on the Worst Dresses List?

What's particularly annoying is that her hideous, ill-fitting, pepto Barbie prom dress is still cited as brilliant Oscar style, and this one has been almost roundly criticized.

Well, I, for one, love it. It's a little covered up, but not in the over-the-top way Hillary Swank's was two years ago. It has a refined 1930's feel, and creates a more curvy, statuesque figure than Ms. Paltrow actually has. Even the color, which is treading on dangerous ground as a pinky beige, is saturated enough not to wash her out and look really delicate and vintage-y. Add in the red lips and updated Veronica Lake hair, and I actually said, "Gwyneth Paltrow looks so pretty!" while watching the Oscars, even though technically I hate Gwyneth Paltrow and everything she stands for.

Hangin' Around in my Huge T-Shirt

The look on the right is from a designer called Vanessa da Silva, who I guess is some sort of illustrator and designer. First of all, aside from being part of the horrible sack/80's trend I have been criticizing very harshly in this blog, this look also features the trend of artists collaborating with designers by sticking their artwork on t-shirts. Granted, this is a bit more than a t-shirt, but a lot of the stuff really is just designs printed on beefy tee's for $130. I resent this, because it lacks innovation in terms of style- anyone can print a design on a t-shirt- it doesn't make you a designer.

Personally, I find these illustrations to be an ugly mishmash of pop-art and the current wacky collage style favored by hipsters (and boy do these models look like hipsters) but I guess some of them might look alright on the right piece- the dress and cape on the last link are kind of okay.

Anyway, this outfit is totally nauseating. It makes me feel gross just looking at it- but imagine, say, wearing this look on the bus or on a park bench? Doesn't it look like the huge, gaping sleeves would soak up all dirt and grime you encountered? It reminds me seeing kids wear t-shirts in public swimming pools, and, to be honest, the whole pose has a bit of the raving drug addict about it.

Sacks for the Lower Half

Shorts began a reign of terror about two years ago, overtaking skirts and pants as the hottest below-waist look, and followed, hot on the heels, by the legging. All of a sudden people were wearing shiny shorts to formal events, or, worse, wearing baggy, pleated bermudas with a pair of tights and high heels. Currently, "bermuda" is used to describe the more fitted (and infinitely more flattering) pedal-pusher-esque short, like this one, but to me, bermudas tend to evoke a heavy, pleated, knee-length, and extremely roomy pair of shorts- the kind ugly American tourists wearing Hawaiian shirts tend to wear and make you ashamed of your country.

Shorts seem to have cooled as a major trend, and for this I am mostly thankful, even though I did purchase a pair of (non-pleated, non- baggy) red sailor-style shorts during the craze. However, we still have offerings like these Marc by Marc Jacobs Brushed Wool Shorts, on sale for $114, down from $228. (What, nobody bought? Did they miss the even more horrifying back view???) These awful shorts are wool, which is a puzzling fabric for the short, and I have thought so ever since I received a pair of bright red wool plaid shorts (with matching red chenille sweater!) for Hanukkah when I was like nine and could never quite figure out how to wear them. These shorts are so huge they resemble a kind of twisted skirt/diaper hybrid, and have what Marge Simpson might call a "balloon seat." Additionally, pairing them with sheer black tights and combat-y boots give the whole look an unsettling utilikilt vibe. (In case you are wondering what that website sells, it's freedom.) These shorts are perfect if you are craving that large and saggy look, and adding the whole Goth/SS touch just makes them that more of the moment.

Don't Believe the Hype

If you read fashion blogs regularly, they always make a big deal about Target's Go International collections. These lines, featured at Targets for a limited amount of time, are designed (supposedly) by big-name designers who are much more likely to be seen on the pages of Vogue than in a store that also sells dog food. In theory, this is an awesome idea- after all, Target goes after designers like Proenza Schouler and Behnaz Sarafpour who don't even have cheaper lines and are really high end. Ditto for H&M's Viktor + Rolf collection- most people could never afford something by the quirky, avant-garde design team, so it sounds like a great opportunity.

However, the problem is that when one actually goes to Target or H&M to look at these clothes, they often just end up blending into the rest of the stuff Target sells, if not looking even worse. For instance, the above three looks, from the Proenza collection, look more like they came from Sears- the v-neck striped sweater is simply awful, the jeans are ill-fitting and too low, and the polo shirt- do we need another polo? Where is the great design? Where is the innovation? Where is the risky, high-fashiony look I can't usually find new at these prices? Even though stores like Forever 21 (and you know, Target) manage to make cute and innovative designs on a small budget, these designer-designed lines usually have only a few decent pieces at best, most of which are impossible to find anyway. What's more, the pieces often look cheap and poorly made, using fabrics like polyester to mimic satin or silk instead of working with a more humble cotton- for instance the side stripe on these pants. It's as if whoever designed it didn't realize that what may look classy on a $500 piece may end up looking cheesy with cheaper materials.

Do the designers even design this stuff? Did the guys from Proenza Schouler really sit down and think, "How about a white v-neck sweater with some lines across it, like everyone wore in 1996?" I don't know. All I know is, next time Jean Paul Gaultier designs a collection for Montgomery Ward or whatever, I won't come a runnin'.

Originally "Zoo Story" but I Decided That was too Pretentious

Animal-themed prints and designs have been trendy for quite some time now. First, horses and tigers rose to popularity as part of that Chloe airbrushed 70's revival thing which I can't find any picture of, but it involved those pastel-tinted aviator sunglasses with the rhinestone hearts. At that time, maybe around 1999, you couldn't turn around an H&M or whatever without encountering a t-shirt with a rhinestone studded tiger or vaguely retro horse print.

Then came the other animals. Bunnies enjoyed a brief revival, followed by deer (which are still pretty trendy.) Birds, however, particularly bluebirds and owls, have been holding strong lately. And the problem with these animal prints is that, though they are usually endearingly quirky and charming looking (like on this tank), once everybody has them and they are stuck on this hideous t-shirt from Forever 21, they're just another slapped-together trend. Or, in the case of the Delia's short sleeve hoodie at the top left, just a tad overdone. (Plus, short sleeve hoodies- could they make any less sense?)

What will be next, though? Cephalopods have steadily been gaining steam, and I certainly wouldn't mind donning some octopus-themed attire. At the same time, I will inevitably get sick of people who don't even really like squids wearing a squid related outfit, and bemoan the ugly interpretations of the look. It's a mixed bag for sure. My friends and I have discussed the possibility of the mule being the next! hot! animal! (Or at least pushing them upon an unquestioning public.) They have all the heartiness of the horse, with the wit of a donkey, and they're sterile, which is kind of punk rock. We'll see.

Wherefore Art Thou, Marc Jacobs of Olde?

I used to looove Marc Jacobs. He was a designer who didn't take himself too seriously, got inspired by (or, perhaps "ripped off", but still) vintage styles, and was responsible for a million trends- big buttons, fifties-style party dresses, tromp l'oiel, a return to mod that occurred before the current return to mod. I used to covet multiple Marc Jacobs pieces every season, and there are still a few I wistfully think about. There was the luxe LV line, the slightly cheaper namesake label, and the "diffusion" label Marc by Marc Jacobs that sometimes sold things I could think about buying, if they were on sale. (The look on the bottom left is Lily Cole wearing Louis Vuitton in one of my all-time favorite runway outfits, only a few years ago.)

However, Marc Jacobs doesn't design like that anymore. First, his Marc line became a tired retread of stuff he'd done before- hey, another vintage inspired coat with big buttons, but uglier! Then his runway shows really started to fall apart- well, in my opinion. For instance, this Spring 2006 look, while much heralded in Teen Vogue, really signalled the beginning of the end for me. Soon it was all saggy turtlenecks and pleated jeans and that layered collection everyone liked so much even though it included a floor-length denim skirt.

The pictures above (click!) are an example of the new Marc, a collection I might call "extremely frumpy" or "I can see how you were trying to do an early 80's YSL/40's thing but it failed." The look on the right reminds me of the long, shapeless rayon shirtdresses people wore in 1996, particularly with that fascinating black leather belt. The middle look, the puzzling sequined blouse with collar/shapeless black maxi skirt, neither plays the two pieces off each other well nor fails to make the wearer look like a slightly flashy 75-year old virgin. The last look seems to be nod to 40's era Joan Crawford-esque power suits, but efforts to "modernize" it have simply made it depressing. In fact, if there's one word to describe Marc Jacobs new collection, it would have to be "depressing." That, or "frumpy."

People Can be Trendy Too

Dita Von Teese is everywhere. One might say, in fact, that she's trendy. She's always in gossip magazines, endorsing large companies, and at awards shows. She was even in Vogue, for some reason. She's joined the ranks of the dubiously talented but very famous, but everyone seems to be convinced that Dita, unlike Nicole Richie or that girl from Laguna Beach, is special. People are always cooing that she's really classy and unique and bringing back classic silver screen glamour, and best of all, she rejects beauty standards! In a stylish way! How subversive!

To this I say: whatever. Has anyone else not noticed that Dita Von Teese looks more like a wax figure than Jessica Simpson? She has fake boobs, forced her waist into a million corsets in order to make it more hourglassy, clearly had a nose job or something, and wears a pound of makeup every day. Her burlesque "act" seems to mostly involve her wearing glitter and wiggling around. How is she subverting anything? Is it because she doesn't have a tan? She's just another version of every other plastic Hollywood starlet wearing designer clothes (50's style ones!) with a slightly different aesthetic. Just because she has a vague "retro" thing going on doesn't make her a pioneer. Being "sexy" is her only defining characteristic. She's famous for taking her clothes off and being in Playboy, not for being talented or interesting. And she's even named herself something as charmingly retro and kittenish as possible in order to constantly remind us that she's a total pin-up goddess, not a human being like the rest of us. We already have Bettie Page as some sort of rockabilly pin-up pseudo-feminist sex symbol (despite the fact that her only real contribution was the much beloved riot grrrl to post riot grrrl staple the baby bang), we don't need another, particularly one as lame as Dita Von Teese.

Sienna Miller is a Blight Upon Fashion/ Factory Girl Clearly Sucks

In honor of the release of the certain-to-be-terrible Factory Girl and the recent trendiness of Edie Sedgwick and all things mod and 60's, I made the above collage (please click) of Sienna Miller's terrible costuming in this film.

The real Edie Sedgwick had a streamlined mod style that, despite its extremity, ultimately looked very sleek and pretty sophisticated, but still fun and young. She knew that wearing a pair of huge earrings was awesome as long as the rest of your look was simple, and that she could pull of lots of thick black eyeliner and wearing long t-shirts as dresses. She looked very 60's, but in a unique, New York-y, Factoryish kind of way. Sure, Edie was of dubious talent (though I highly recommend her biography Edie: An American Life) but she had a lot of style.

Sienna Miller, or whoever costumed her, on the other hand, made this Edie's clothes look like one of those "1960's girl" costumes you can get at the Halloween superstore- I'm surprised they didn't include a pair of white platform vinyl go-go boots to go with her million necklaces, huge earrings, floppy hats, copious amounts of eyeliner that she can't pull off, and, yes, open-toe boots. I have to say this picture probably horrified me the most. Who was responsible for placing that horrible hat and cheesy Halloween-ish looking sunglasses on her head? Have they ever looked at a picture of Edie Sedgwick?

In conclusion, there are lots of things terribly wrong with this movie. Weezer plays The Velvet Underground. Hayden Christensen plays Bob Dylan. Jimmy Fallon is in it. I believe Mary-Kate Olson has a cameo- perhaps as a starving monkey, which is the only role I can see her successfully filling. Basically, there's nothing good. On the plus side, it could be really bad in a good/entertaining way. The clothes, however, are just bad in a bad way.

Attack of the Belt, Vest, Tunic, Leggings, and Jewelery

Trendy clothing items are, ideally, meant to be worn in moderation. If you're wearing a babydoll tent dress, maybe lay off the leggings and slouch boots. Wearing several trends at once is generally an indicator that you have no style of your own, and are just haphazardly putting together stuff you saw someone else wear.

The girl to the left looks like such a person. We have an owl necklace, a jewelery trend that somehow surged to popularity despite their extreme ugliness (Hey, I love owls too. It doesn't mean I want a four inch gold one hanging off my neck.) There is also, perhaps most unfortunately, a denim vest involved. The striped tunic/mini dress and tights/leggings is a potentially cute look, but again is ultra-trendy and usually fails. And the piece de resistance is the totally out of place brown leather woven belt hanging off her hips. Why is that there? It doesn't even match.

For awhile, people were like, "You can only pull off this [trend-focused, layered] look if you're Sienna Miller." But now, finally, after the underwear-over-tights incident, people are finally realizing she's a fraud. In fact, nobody can pull of this look, and nobody should try.

Ugly UO Item of the Day: A Touch of Blossom

Shockingly, this Kimchi & Blue Jacquard Animal Vest has been reduced from $42 to 11.99. For a long time, designers, and whatever you call the people who invent the clothes for Urban Outfitters, have been trying to make vests happen. And, by "a while", I mean literally like four or five years. And they haven't caught on, because they're pretty stupid, and serve no purpose. They look great in a dandy-ish, three piece suit-ish kind of way, or maybe if you're Patti Smith, but the vest is not an easy item to pull off.

This vest, however, screams "BLOSSOM!" to me. It's "poly-nylon jacquard" and I'm not sure what exactly that is, but it sounds very unpleasant. All in all, this belongs on the floor of Ross. Doesn't it look like one of those poly suits they have at Ross for 24.99? Have I mentioned that the print is snakeskin? Oh man, that makes it even worse!

Hel Looks: Our Friend Sasu

Sasu, who is inspired by "90's Rave and Gortex shoes" (Do you know how many times I've heard 90's rave being cited by fashion-y people as a source of inspiration? More than zero times, which is way too many.) is one of those people who I'd point out to, like, my mom and be all, "Ugh! Hipster fashion!" and she'd say, "Him? But he looks homeless!"

I think he looks more like an early 90's punk crossed with Micheal Jackson crossed with someone who steals the souls of children in an Alabama barn, but the point is, it's not good. Is Sasu, who is only supposed to be 24, really going to look back in this outfit and think, "I'm glad I tucked those tapered plaid leggings into my white Reeboks?" Or, perhaps, "That baby blue and black leather short-sleeved jacket with the sweaty backwards white baseball cap- it took my look to the next level."

What's so curious to me is the fact that his shoes are Raf Simons and shirts are Comme des Garcons, meaning they cost upwards of $200, if not upwards of $500, but he still has the head of someone who slept last night in the bus station.

Jeans of Death

These unfortunate-looking Drainpipe Corset Waist Jeans from Topshop recently caught my eye. Obviously, there's not that much to say- they make the rather forlorn-looking model's butt look very long and flat; they literally have a separate button-up corset part that ends somewhere far past your bellybutton and appears to be made of a different color denim, and they have cheesy strategic fading and whiskers.

Perhaps worse are the Cheap Monday jeans above, which I don't have a specific link to (but I can direct you to this gallery of horrors on the Cheap Monday website- don't look if you have a weak stomach) because, unlike the Topshops, they couldn't even be worn if you were dressing up as Tiffany for Halloween. They're just really, really high, and really, really unflattering. It must take like ten minutes to zip up your fly in these babies.

While these jeans on their own scare me, what scares me more is the question they force me to ask: is this the future of denim? Will people really re-embrace this look? Is it going to be really hard to find normal jeans soon? Questions like these make me want to stockpile jeans like these and these, and hunker down for the oncoming denim apocalypse.

Worst of the Worst

The photo to the right is of a "clothing" "designer" named "Carrie Mundane" (Hey, guess what? You're only allowed to name yourself something like that if you're in X, okay?), "designer" of a line unfortunately (but appropriately) titled Cassette Playa. That's right- cassettes! Remember the early 90's when we totally listened to tapes all the time and then remember the 2000's where, like, we draw pictures of them with hearts on them, and like, referenced them all the time because it's soooo cool? And "playa" is a nod to the "hood", which is ALSO really fun to embrace ironically, especially if you are some privileged white rich kid who clearly has connections to famous people and that's why we keep hearing about your ugly clothes?

First of all, the website, if you haven't gone to it yet, is purposely designed to look crappy, but with lots of neon and graphics that are supposed to make us nostalgic for 1992. Her clothing line, which really celebrates the coked-out hipster in all of us, also is supposed to make us nostalgic for 1992, and is full of looks like this one. (Yes, that's something someone, after being seduced by the too cool for school wacky backgrounds and mullet wigs- mullet wigs, people!- has paid money for.)

What is wrong with people in their early twenties? How about, instead of dressing like the early 90's threw up all over you, in the most faddish, trendy, hideously ugly way possible, how about, I don't know, coming up with something new? How about appreciating something for being genuinely attractive and aesthetically pleasing instead of just how ironically cool it is? How about not being a massive tool wearing pleated turquoise Bermuda shorts? How about it?

Crazy In Love....With this Outfit!

This 2004 Video Awards look courtesy of Miss Beyonce Knowles received a lot of flak. However, I still have it saved on my computer, two and half years later, because I think it rules so much. Before people started wearing formal shorts as some sort of bizarre trend, Beyonce rocked the gold lamé hot pants suit, complete with huge frosted hair, rhinestones, and massive hoop earrings. She looks like a cross between 60's era Priscilla Presley and Ann-Margret, and 70's era Pam Grier. It is, in a word, fierce.

GFY didn't like this outfit for a multitude of reasons, one of which was that it made Beyonce look fat. "Elephantine", I believe, was the word they used. Now, GFY isn't a fat-hating blog or anything, but in this case, I have to disagree. Sure, this outfit emphasizes the fact that Beyonce doesn't (or didn't used to; she has lost a lot of weight and quite a bit of sass since this picture was taken) have skinny legs or narrow hips, but to me, that's not a bad thing. Much like the Rinko Kikuchi outfit, it's refreshing.

If you're going to go for a glam, trashy, Las Vegas style look, please, don't go for the Pussycat Dolls route and just dress like a tawdry mall rat/ho who shops at Rave. Take a cue from the Beyonce of old, the one who had huge hair and wore feathers and danced with Prince in another picture I have saved on my computer and may have been my wallpaper for awhile. If the Beyonce of the early mid 2000's taught us anything, it's that glitz doesn't mean having to dress like the late 90's and early 2000's Britney Spears. We can do better, and, for a time, Beyonce did.

Sacks: Part One of a Long Series

One of the biggest trends to hit in '06 was the sack dress. And what a trend it was! Clothes have remained relatively fitted for the past ten or so years, so perhaps it's only natural that things get loosened up- a seemingly refreshing change after years of baby tees and jeans with too much spandex. But the sack dresses of today just look a bit too much like, well, sacks.

In the 60's, sack dresses were popular too- but they had a certain modish, a-line structure to them that made them seem fresh and carefully constructed. Sure, they weren't for everybody, but they looked really good on fake-pregnant Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. The dresses today don't have any structure. Most of them just hang from the collar like a smock, looking way more like maternity wear than something poor Rosemary ever wore.

A good example is the "Kate & Kass Dominique Brown Dress" on the upper right. This dress is so horrible I truly cannot bear to look upon it. It's barely a dress. I don't even know what it is, but of course the description on shopintuition.com not only dares to say it was inspire by both Rosemary's Baby and Gloria Steinem (how did it get so trendy to dress like Gloria Steinem when most young women today are totally unversed in feminism? I guess that's a separate issue.) Of course, they also suggest this would look "great with a belt at your waist or hips." Belts are not for creating a waist when the dress you are wearing is shaped like a garbage bag! Whatever you are wearing should have enough shape on its own! Belts are merely for emphasis, or perhaps holding up one's pants!

The frightful thing on the left is also a sack dress, but in a slightly different vein. This Marc by Marc Jacobs "Dee Dee Dots Dress" from shopbop.com has an almost cocoon-like shape. There's an attempt at some sort of structure with the seaming at the top, and then that tapers off, leaving the fabric to huddle around the model's knees, obscuring her figure totally on the way down. These kind of dresses drape in such a way that no matter who wears it, they look like a saggy blob. Plus, is that denim? I mean, it doesn't say it is, but it looks like denim to me. Wearing denim dresses is always a big mistake. This dress is $358, and really makes me long for the days when Marc Jacobs designed cute things.

I know dresses in this shape are hot right now, but they're never flattering if their shape doesn't somehow echo, and in turn, flatter, your own. Besides that, everyone who bought one of these dresses is going to look at photos of themselves in ten years and wonder why they were wearing a smock, and if they were pregnant when the picture was taken.

Ugly UO Item of the Day: Played Out

This Lux Cropped Sunset Dolman is one of those pieces of clothing that makes you ask, "Isn't this trend over?" The item description boasts that it's "finished at the front with washed and faded retro-style graphics."

I ask you: haven't we had enough with the faded, retro-style graphics? I remember coveting a t-shirt made by, like, Dawls in some catalogue when I was in eighth grade that had a faded retro style graphic on the front that said "The Pink Fairy Motel" or something on it. That was 1998. So, here, we are, nine years later, and the powers that be are still trying to be all, "Hey, does this look like it came from a thrift store or what?" The truth is, it's STILL not that hard to find an ugly old t-shirt at an actual thrift store that advertises some sort of cheesy destination that you can then, in turn, wear ironically. You can get one for real, instead of paying $32 for this terrible offering. But why would you want to?

Need I mention the dolman sleeves, the cropped cut, or the Flashdance style neckline? Once again the model looks pissed, or maybe like she is going to cry, and I don't blame her. This cotton-poly nightmare is offered in three gorgeous colors, so don't miss out! After all, this hot, innovative "faded retro-style graphics" trend may not last another nine years.

Nightmare on Bubble-Hem Street

Hot off the heels of my other jumper post, I'd like to call attention to another big, jumper-related mistake, in this case, part of an eBay auction.

How many trends can we pack into one hideous, but pretty small, garment? We have the horrible raspberry and baby pink plaid, which is a nod to the current popularity of tartan prints (I guess), we have a bubble hem (do bubble hems ever look good unless they're 1950's Balenciaga? No.), and we have the jumper styling. Plus there's the sackiness, which is real hot this season.

Combine these things with fake pearls, some plastic bangles, an asymmetrical baggy t-shirt and huge sunglasses (I like huge sunglasses, and always will, but they're still a trend, if a dying one) and the overall look is sort of Strawberry Shortcake meets hipster meets Paris Hilton. Or something. Either way, it's definitely bad. Please, try to limit trendy pieces to one or two, and, for the love of god, don't over-accessorize your jumper.

I Liked It

Here's a new feature I just invented, entitled "I Liked It." This feature is for when everybody else thinks an outfit someone wore was really ugly, but I liked it. This is inspired by the time Beyonce had huge hair and wore gold hot pants to the Grammys or something- I'll post on that later.

Anyway, Go Fug Yourself made fun of this look, worn by Rinko Kikuchi of that movie Babel, which looks kind of racist and annoying even though I haven't seen it (Why isn't it about Brad Pitt getting shot and Cate Blanchett saving him? Wouldn't that be way more interesting? I feel like that whole movie must be Brad Pitt yelling, "Damn it, listen to me, you evil foreigner! I have to save my wife!")

Anyway, this dress kind of looks like she is being attacked by sea creatures. And it's happening in the ocean, and they're all hovering around her ankles. Which is a lot more interesting, and pretty, than, like, whatever Jennifer Garner wore. It's an unusual look- perhaps even a weird one, but it's such a light, well-crafted, beautifully made dress in a soft color (I mean, it wouldn't have worked in hot pink) and she's wearing it with minimal accessories, and I think she's really cute. It's refreshing to see something sort of witty and playful than another reedy, botoxed starlet strapped into yet another glittering prom dress.

PS: Speaking of which, what the hell happened to Rose McGowan? She used to be so pretty and normal looking, and now she looks like Teri Hatcher.

House of Pain's "Jump Around"

The current jumper trend kind of came out of nowhere, but guess what? I don't hate it. It does look stupid a lot of the time, but sometimes it looks cute in a playful, mod way. In fact, when I started seeing jumpers everywhere, I thought to myself, "Hmmm, I never thought of wearing a jumper. Maybe I should get in on that." But it's hard to actually purchase and wear something that's so popular at the moment- sometimes it's better to wait out the trend to make sure you really like it and aren't just swept up in a trendy fervor.

Anyway, though jumpers can look cute, they often don't. They often look Clarissa Explains It All-ish or like you are wearing your little sister's school uniform. I'm sorry to the girl on the left, who is wearing a jumper I saw at Anthropologie, but this look doesn't even get Clarissa status. It's really more Charles in Charge-ish. I know this jumper was probably at least $80, if not $240 or whatever ridiculous prices that store charges now, but seriously, this is a look that should not be repeated, let alone re-made. It hangs off the body because it lacks real shape, the mustard color (which, puzzlingly, appears to be the hot shade of the season) is a real hard sell, and the super 80's (I'm sorry to mention the 80's again, but the unmitigated 80's resurgence is so puzzling to me) styling brings up the trendiness factor while upping the all-important "Why pay so much for something when you could get something equally foul for $5 at a thrift store?" factor.

Hel Looks: Mimosa

Here on our right we have Mimosa, another Hel Looks pick. Mimosa looks like how I imagine trashy Russian girls at my school must have dressed in the 80's. Instead of wearing skin-tight t-shirts with strategic cut-outs and the Bebe logo in rhinestones, they would have gone for a more Dynasty/big hair/faux Chanel/white purse thing.

According to the interview, Mimosa (if that's a given name, clearly you will turn out to be either a hipster or an exotic dancer, so I guess she went with the more socially acceptable choice) who is 18, confesses that she thinks "her style "is classic and feminine" and that "Kate Moss and Sienna Miller have a great style." I'm not a huge fan of either of those ladies, but Mimosa has really branched out from the typical Sienna clone. I mean, those are, if such a thing is possible, baggy white leggings. And that one highlight! What makes someone choose one highlight like that? She also says that loves "60's clothes like Chanel jacket with golden buttons" even though there is nothing remotely 60s looking about this getup.

Mimosa's look basically takes the 80's thing to the next level, so much so that though I know she is dressing in an ironic, hipstery way, she looks more like she has just blasted off twenty years into the future, a la Marty McFly, to arrive in the year 2007. Thus, all I can really only see her doing is driving around in the Camaro her father, Alexi the Mob Boss, bought for her, turning off the latest news about President Reagan and blasting the Bon Jovi and Sheena Easton she loves so much, on her way to look for a heavily shoulder-padded blazer from Contempo.

Ugly UO Item of the Day

Man, this Kimchi & Blue Mexican Blanket Sweater sooo ugly. At first you think, what were they thinking? But after much consideration, I guess they were trying to go with that boho/hippie/MK Olsen/"Oh, I just threw on this ratty old defeated-looking sweater that I found on the ground" type of thing. Only that type of thing pretty much never works, and reimagining it in the colors of a Fruitopia commercial from the mid 90s's doesn't work either. It kind of has that "Grandma's afghan" look, but is way uglier, and the description of the garment on the website (Yes, it does contain the phrase Aye carumba!) indicated they were trying to go with a cringe-inducing "ethnic" thing.

The model knows what's up. She knows never to wear something that has "blanket" in the title. That's why she's giving us all that bitter but sassy-looking smirk.

Pick this up at your local Urban Outfitters- it's a real steal at $88, especially considering it's acrylic. Even though 99% of the people who buy this will be white and suburban, maybe they can tell people their abuelita knitted it for them in Mexico or something. Just throw on their Tibetan prayer beads and Chinese slippers that they also got at Urban Outfitters to complete the look.

That Whole Played-Out MisShapes Thing

Could this guy look any more like a douche? He is on some "street style" website, I don't know which one. Maybe he is French, or Czech, or something. Who cares. I just can't believe people who dress like this are still being photographed as if they have something to offer us, and people are still like, "Wow, I can't believe he dared to wear an early 90's Mickey Mouse sweatshirt with nerd glasses! Could he be more cutting edge?"

This whole ironic 80's gold jewelery/ironic Disney clothing/bandanna/Goodwill glasses was always obnoxious. Dressing purposely ugly and out-of-date as some sort of postmodern joke has been perhaps the worst sartorial trend of this young century, and just goes to show what shallow aesthetics us young people have today. It's like we can't even tell what we like and what we like "ironically" any more. But what makes it even worse is that is the 358,9456th guy to dress like this, and he's still being plastered all over the internet like it's some kind of revelation. This guy is my enemy.

Naomi from "Mama's Family"

When I was a kid, I thought Naomi, from Mama's Family, was really beautiful. She was always wearing, like, an off-the-shoulder orange knit dress with huge hoop earrings and some weird early 80's perm. I still sort of admire the style of Naomi, because I have a bit of a soft spot for trashy-looking ladies who are influenced by the late 70s. Sort of a Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver look-it's trashy in this really pure, kind of charming way, with lots of oversized gold jewelery and hot pants and roller skates and big curly hair and maybe oversized hats. There's an attempt at fanciness with this look that I guess I just sort of love, even though I know it is also one which one must usually keep a safe distance.

Anyway, the point is, I could see Naomi wearing this "Striped Pom Pom Sweater" from shopbop.com. However, no matter how much I appreciate Naomi's style for what it is, this top is very, very wrong, especially in the context in which it is presented. I can't imagine anyone wanting it, and not just because of the terrible shape/color/curtain-ishness, but because the model looks like she wants to kill you and everyone else for being placed inside this ruffled horror.

And like the Urban Outfitters pants below, the stylist for the shoot seemed at a total loss concerning what to pair this number with, and finally were all, "I guess these track short looking things?" If you're going to pair this top with something, don't tone it down. Don't hide what it is. I say gold pants and oversized hoop earrings. That's how Naomi would have done it.

Ugly UO Item of the Day

There are so many ugly things at Urban Outfitters, I could probably list a new one every day and never run out. But today, I will focus on these "Lux Drawstring Linen Pants." They're drawstring. They're baggy. They're heavily pleated. They're "high rise." They come in a color I personally might call "tobacco." And they're linen, a fabric I find both ugly and unwearable, as it wrinkles as soon as you touch it, and looks sacklike even if the garment is trim and well-tailored. These pants would look like a sack no matter what they were made out of, but the fact that they're linen makes them even worse. I like how they've paired them with what looks like shiny black leather pointy-toe flats, as if that matches. When I see these pants, I see them paired with a rumpled tunic made out of hemp, or perhaps something tie-dyed, and a pair of crusty Birkenstocks. But if I had my way, I would probably choose not to see them at all. Will the young people of the world spend $58 to look like a 53-year old man who sells homemade bongs at the flea market? Time will tell.

Isn't That, a Little, like, Babyish?

One could argue a trend on eBay is not one that will necessarily be repeated on a wider scale, but this has been going on for such a long time that I personally feel the need to complain about it: sellers forcing themselves into children's clothing, advertising them as "vintage mini dresses", and then people paying outrageous amounts of money for them. It's like the emperor's new clothes, people! (Enlarge the pics above. You'll see what I mean.)

Isn't it obvious to everyone that the dress at right, which literally went for $212.50, is merely a little girl's dress from the 80's? I realize nautical is in and all, and the model pulls it off relatively well, considering it originally came from Gymboree, but the point still stands: it's pulled way too tight across her chest, making the little plastic buttons appear as if they're seconds away from popping right off, it's not really vintage, and not looking like a giant fool in it is going to be no easy feat to pull off. What really bugs me about this trend is that it's one thing to go to Goodwill and find a children's dress, and get the idea to squeeze into something made for an 8-year-old because you realize you can rock it in some perverse way, but bringing this personal realization into the public arena and selling it as a "look" kind of takes it out of the realm of quirky personal style and into, I don't know, grifting people who desperately long to have their own?

Hel Looks: Oh, the Jeans!

One of the striking things about Hel Looks is the jeans. People who are on the edge of fashion in the way that these people are simply cannot wear regular jeans, even though, in my mind, jeans are one of the few things that should remain pretty regular: no patterns, no "interesting" shapes, no strategic fading. But people like this are always proclaiming the skinny jean over, and the new, high-waisted, pleated, acid-washed jean the wave of the future for the next three months. And frankly, it disgusts me. Lets take a look!

To the layman, it might look like Tiia (above left), 36, simply doesn't know what kind of jeans are flattering or in style. But the rest of her stylish look, and her proclamation that she just bought these jeans, and that "They are great because they're baggy and light blue" confirms that no, these jeans are intentional. They remind me of when I made my dad go with me to Gap kids to get a new pair of jeans in sixth grade, and I chose this faded, baggy, tapered pair that I secretly knew were ugly even then, and I always blamed my dad for making me feel rushed because he couldn't handle the mall. Tiia's look screams to me, "Yes, they ARE ugly! That's the point!"

While Osku's, age 20, Pete Doherty/slam poet style is certainly debatable (as is his proclamation that "Embroidery is my future"), it is really his companion, Joona (age 18....everybody on this site looks literally ten years older than the age they are listed) who peaks my interest. I believe these types of mega-tapered, rather jodhpur-esque jeans are called "carrot tops" and they are pretty much the most unflattering shape possible. Do you long for the stumpiest, shortest looking legs one could have? This is a prime example of the fashionable quest for newness and novelty upending any notion of taste or looking good. But we can't blame Joona. She would make her own clothes, if she "just had time." She's a busy girl who spends all her time "on religious happenings." How un-chicly chic, not unlike the pools of saggy denim bagging around her ankles!